Actual Freedom – Selected Writings from Richard's Journal

From the outset I had resolved that we are frank with each other ... and the honesty has been paying off. Many an hour do we sit together, sharing our experiences of what it is to be raised as a woman or as a man. Both of us experience it as if we have a spy in the other camp! The ‘secrets’ of our genders, never before divulged to our previous partners, are freely revealed. Because of a pure intent, with its implied agreement not to intentionally hurt the other, we can lay our cards on the table, revealing our gender’s ploys and defences, secure in the knowledge that our ‘secrets’ will never be used against each other. I am determined that we strip sex of its mystique. For a man, the mystique of sex lies in the woman, who seemingly promises to deliver the treasure of love that he has longed for. But after his orgasm, with the promise strangely unfulfilled, disappointment sets in and he is afraid that it is because he has tried to possess her ... plundering her treasure. For a woman, the mystique holds the promise that the ‘right man’ has the power and authority to unlock the mysteries of the unfathomable depths to her sexuality. He seems to promise, that by inviting him in he will touch her deeply, fulfilling her at the core of her being, thereby revealing the mystery to them both.

Curiously enough, the mystique is enhanced by failure. Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Two

Sometimes the woman blames herself for not being ‘giving’ enough; at other times blaming the man for only gratifying himself ... ‘just using her’. Sometimes the man blames himself for misusing his authority, merely ‘taking’ her; at other times he blames her for ‘holding back’. The expectations produced by the mystique can never be met, of course, they lead irrevocably to dissatisfaction and disillusionment. Both man and woman are inevitably frustrated. Strangely enough, the mystique of sex is a body of attitudes and beliefs invented, as being The Truth, by peoples long dead ... and reinforced throughout the ages by the ‘Ancestors’. It is a fantasy, comparable to the Holy Grail, based upon the procrustean conditioning which arbitrarily divides ‘humanity’ into ‘man’ and ‘woman’ ... psychological identities that have no basis in actuality. When it is realised that both male and female are equally programmed, one cannot blame oneself or the other. This liberation from blame enables one to examine the conditioning itself ... which leads to questioning the mystique. The mystique, one finds, is but the very promise of this conditioning; it is touted as the Ultimate reward for surrendering one’s integrity ... and for submitting to the suffering endured whilst obediently lying in one’s procrustean bed.

The essential ingredient of any mystique is that it is to forever remain unexplained. Therefore the believers in mystique must quell any desire to find out ... they must stay oblivious to the actual in order to sustain the hope that what is promised will be granted them one day. This is the reason for the insidious silence which surrounds the ‘unfathomable core’ of sexuality. This is why it is shrouded in mysterious secrecy. I experienced it as a bold step when I first started to strip away the layers of the mystique ... the feeling being that nothing would remain and sex would become insipid coupling ... a boring repetition of what is already known. One’s courage stems from pure intent guiding one’s steadfast purpose of dispelling any illusion, however seductive it might seem to be. I was determined to never, ever, live in an illusion ... or a delusion. Only whatever was actual and unaffected would satisfy me. If unadorned sexuality would turn out to be banal ... so be it. It was a risk I was prepared to take, for I would not stay ignorant.

The mystique of sex was a challenge to be met. Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Two

The dividends resulting from taking the risk are plentiful and deliciously satisfying. The abandonment of the mystique freed me up to a world of actual splendour, based firmly upon sensual and sexual delight. The actual and unabashed enjoyment of our bodies and the world around us is such a luscious and immediate experience, that the tantalising but ever-elusive promise of the mystique is slowly fading into the oblivion it deserves. Somewhere, shrouded in the Mists Of Time, humans were deprived of their birthright; their exquisite sensual and sexual joy was usurped by the mystique. With its unfulfillable covenant – its promise of an ineffable, never-to-be-explained, unfathomable core of Mystical Bliss – mystique had become the successful repressor of human being’s genuine sexuality and sensuality.

This easily explicates just why, throughout the ages and the cultures, both men and women have been repressing a woman’s sexuality. In the western societies the more obvious ‘reasons’ for repression are no longer valid: every woman is well-educated in genetics, is basically able to live independently of a man’s financial support, has easy access to contraception and, with the advent of modern medical discoveries, has no need to succumb to the ‘old wife’s tales’. This made me question why the repression continues. This made me ask why, in most orthodox sexual information, the emphasis is still only on menstrual cycles, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy procedures and a clinical description of the genitalia. Why is it that mothers – and fathers too, for that matter – do not talk about the excitement of the sight and touch of an aroused penis? Or the titillating feeling of erect nipples? The crawling, tingling, tickling sensation in the lower belly? The warmth of the vulva which opens to the moist and full-coloured lips? Why are parents not revelling in talking about the glorious sensations when touching, stroking, licking, rubbing, pressing ... the acutely responsive clitoris ... the readily excitable penis ... the increasingly juicy tension building up … unabashedly wallowing in the sensual and sexual world of purely sensate physical delight?Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Two

The answer was both clear and simple: people would rather be Sacred than actual. ‘Unfathomable’ translates into Holy ... suppressed sexuality and sensuality can produce the Sublime Experience. To end repression is to abandon Spirituality. A bold step indeed. Yet I discover that this actual world – in which this body is living – easily fulfils all the longings and desires that are commonly channelled into the Spiritual Realms. That mystical, Other-Worldly Dimension is, in other words: anywhere but here and any time but now. Why then would people rather be Sacred, Spiritual, Holy ... not actual? Because their only alternative is to be vulgar, worldly, pagan ... which they associate with the Diabolical, the Demonic, the Sinister. Enmeshed in a world-view wherein everything is divided into opposites, nobody is able to consider a third alternative: to be actual. In the divided world-view, the actual is never seen, and the physical is perceived to be uncivilised, anarchical, and hedonistic ... and categorised by them as being profane. My intent is to find a way to continue to live in this undivided and indivisible actual world as ascertained sensately, instead of the ambivalent world-view of opposites with its necessarily discriminating groups, its opposing camps.

I already know that the divided world-view does not work … there is no peace and harmony anywhere in the world, nor at any time in history. It can only promote war and truce. I am extremely interested in why it does not work. To find the answer, I clearly saw the need to question – to scrutinise – each component, each belief and each value that made up ‘Good’ and ‘Bad’, ‘Right’ and ‘Wrong’. It was, at times, rather daunting and alarming for us to ask such questions as: ‘If we women intuitively understand ourselves and each other unequivocally, as we would have everyone believe, why then are we so unable and unwilling to explain ourselves to men?’ Or, conversely: ‘If we men are so convinced of our authority and our ability to solve problems using its power, then why have we been unable to solve our conflict with each other and with women?’ These queries lead to more specific questions like: ‘Why is love manipulative?’ ... ‘Why is authority deemed essential?’ ... ‘Why is love so fickle, unreliable?’ ... ‘Why does problem-solving create more problems?’ ... ‘Why is the promise of love so elusive; does love actually subvert intimacy?’ ... ‘Why is power corrupt; does authority actually subvert peace?’ Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Two

It is well-known that the war between the sexes is a power-battle. It is kept alive by the woman’s identification with Love as being the Ultimate and by the man’s identification with Authority as being the Ultimate. Both the power of Love and Authority vie for supremacy … Love has its intrinsic Authority and Authority has its intrinsic Love. Both provide the illusion of security so desperately sought for by billions of people throughout the ages. Whenever we trip over an issue of man-woman differences and find ourselves falling back into our gender identities we notice, while looking at each other over a gulf of separation, a marked lack of equity and mutual intimacy between us. Then again, in our long periods of mutual intimacy, we experience that neither Authority nor Love plays any role. Can we contemplate a life together where intimacy and equity are paramount? Wherein the power of Love and Authority become irrelevant? Any Authority precludes equity ... and therefore intimacy. Any Love precludes intimacy ... and therefore equity.

It all stems from separation. There is a separation of male and female from each other by gender identification as ‘man’ and ‘woman’ – two distinct social identities – leading to a localised discontent and resentment, causing the battle between the sexes. Then there is the separative ‘I’ or ‘me’ - a psychological and psychic identity – forever alienated from one’s body and from the world of people, things and events, leading to a generalised discontent and resentment, causing wars between tribal groups. To end the separative social identity, one can whittle away at all the social mores and psittacisms … those mechanical repetitions of previously received ideas or images, reflecting neither apperception nor autonomous reasoning. One can examine all the beliefs, ideas, values, theories, truths, customs, traditions, ideals, superstitions ... and all the other schemes and dreams. One can become aware of all the socialisation, of all the conditioning, of all the programming, of all the methods and techniques that were used to control what one finds oneself to be … a wayward ego and compliant soul careering around in confusion and illusion. A ‘mature adult’ is actually a lost, lonely, frightened and cunning psychological entity overlaying a psychic ‘being’.

However, it is never too late to start in on uncovering and discovering what one actually is. Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Two

This creation, this psychological entity, is what one takes to be ‘me’ ... and ‘I’ will defend it with ‘my’ life whenever necessary. Yet all over the world people are complaining endlessly about loneliness; about how ‘no one will love me for myself’, or ‘no one will accept me as I am’. Yet ‘I’, as ‘man’ or ‘woman’ am a creation. Created by society, by other ‘men’ and ‘women’, ‘I’ am as artificial as they are. This body has been encumbered with an artificial psychological gender identity. Being a fiction, of course one feels alienated ... alone and lonely. Such a composite figure can only need to belong with other, likewise composite, creatures. In order to belong, though, one must conform to the dictates of those who created ‘me’. As they do not like their own creation, they will never like ‘me’, completely. Thus arises the necessity for concession and compromise.

All couples resent themselves and their partners for the very compromises that they are proud to have made in order to keep their marriage intact and maintain their specious intimacy. This intimacy proves to be inhibiting and delusive. It shows itself to be deceitful not only to the other but to oneself, so I wanted to know every aspect of myself and the other. Obviously, when I speak of an actual intimacy, I am not talking about the typical intimacy as it is generally understood by all and sundry. The closest one can normally come to an actual intimacy is in rare moments of sexual togetherness wherein love and affection are temporarily absent and there is sex for the sake of sex and nothing else. When this occurs – albeit randomly – one can have the courage of one’s convictions, born out of the PCE, and go for the actual intimacy that underpins all relationship.

It is a risk well worth taking. Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Five