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Kuba’s Reports about Onsetof Being Out-from-Control in a Different Way of Being
KUBA: Well I’ll be damned but this thing is working! The first few days it was a little like I opened Pandoras box, because I finally began to firstly become aware of and then seek to rectify those feelings I have been avoiding, so there was quite a lot to deal with initially, there is still. But there is already some solid results from this “persistent initialisation”, in that during those times where usually there would be the “ebbs and flows” instead there is the beginnings of a consistent (unconditional) enjoyment and appreciation. The enjoyment and appreciation is not to do with any particular things but it is the simple and down to earth joy of being here. I experience it as if I find myself “home again”, it is soft, calm and delightful, and the magical aspect is available too, just at the fingertips. It’s weird because when the good/bad feelings are in place there is initially this sense that the place where “I am home” is nothing but a figment of my imagination. So it takes the courage of my convictions, to know that it is here for my taking and to find it over and over again. Also it is so very clear that this place is not just for me but for everybody, it has dissolved those
arguments I had a while back about saving ‘humanity’.
KUBA: So the ongoing awareness and persistent attentiveness has now highlighted some specific areas, the various ways in which ‘I’ tick. The one which I have become aware of since yesterday is just how much of ‘my’ general modus operandi is to be engaged in various degrees of worry. I remember Peter had a good name for this in his journal – the “what if syndrome”. I see now just how much of my affective energy is directed towards that activity. Sometimes it would go unnoticed, dressed up as “thinking about something”, or being “concerned with something” and yet if I pay attention to how I am experiencing this moment of being alive it is clear that felicity and innocuity is not live during those times. I can see where I would go wrong in the past with regards to resolving this, I would go into each worry and try to intellectually prove to myself that there is nothing to worry about – this is actually the ‘normal’ way of dealing with it, some kind of intellectualising / psychologising / philosophising. And yet the affective energy driving the habit would never get looked at, it would actually escape unnoticed. So I notice that it is the activity of worrying itself which is the problem, soothing it via any of the tried and true methods does nothing to eliminate worry itself. When I look back to any of the wonderful times I have experienced, for example what I wrote about when driving back from London recently, there was no worry at all. It’s not that ‘my’ worries have been soothed but there is no worry to begin with, that word – “worry” would not be in my vocabulary during those times. Back to my day to day life it’s quite outstanding to consider that, to live virtually free of worry. It seems at first that ‘I’ would be a sitting duck for some danger to pounce on ‘me’. And yet I can see that ‘I’ actually manufacture the ‘danger’ and then ‘I’ seek to soothe it. But that is ‘my’ normal modus operandi, as it is for ‘humanity’, there is that intuited sense of ‘danger’ lurking always just around the corner, and of course ‘I’ get up to various schemes in order to tackle it, to find ‘security’. But it is all for nothing in the end, because it is an endless game, no matter how much ‘security’ ‘I’ manage to generate there is always the next ‘danger’ around the corner. I remember raising this with Geoffrey via a zoom chat and he said (to the effect) that yes and the end result of this is one would have to end up living in a bunker and still the ‘danger’ would persist. This aspect is actually a very substantial part of the persona that ‘I’ am. My mum (who I was very close with when young) was a worrier extraordinaire, indeed there was always the next object that the affective energy of ‘her’ worry could be directed against, and of course the vibe itself ‘I’ felt and made part of ‘me’ and ‘my’ reality. So it’s exciting to begin to chip away at this, to know that it can become a thing of the past.
KUBA: So yesterday I had another little success, it was precisely the point at which I would usually turn back around. So things have been going quite well and then I experienced this “rudely raw” territory, it’s that experience like the ground beneath me is disappearing and all hangs upon nothing. I notice usually this comes when I remove a “layer of the onion” and proceed towards new territory. And I have experienced this many times and this was always the thing that defeated me, in that eventually I just could not bear that “rudely raw” feeling and would go back to the safety of the old and familiar. So I knew that I cannot just push through this feeling, I have tried that before and it would only intensify, and I knew that I could not walk around it either. And then the option presented itself, an obvious option, which was that to the best of my ability I would get back to felicity and innocuity. So not much of a story here I did get back to felicity and innocuity and I had a nice training session in the evening, then since yesterday things have been clear and calm. This is encouraging because it is exactly that thing which would usually stop me in my tracks and have
me go back. It seems like with each step forward there is that period of re-orientation and this can initially stir up
some intense instinctual passionate responses from ‘me’. And the main point is that in order to re-orient in the
new territory ‘I’ can no longer rely on the old and familiar. The compass of pure intent is what ‘I’ orient to in the new territory.
KUBA: The compass of pure intent is what ‘I’ orient to in the new territory. KUBA: Ah ok so there is another layer of the onion just waiting to be peeled here, thank you Vineeto for standing back so I could suss this out. I can see now that the compass I was operating by was the words written by Vineeto, whereas this is not enough. The genuine compass, the one that can take ‘me’ all the way to ‘my’ self-immolation is pure intent. There is ‘me’ and there is pure intent on this adventure. And I can see that by turning Vineeto into an authority I at the same time omitted to pay full attention to the compass of pure intent, or I did not have the willingness to proceed towards the direction it points to, as a sole orientation. This is quite wonderful, that pure intent is all that is left when “the old” is abandoned,
and there is no authority in the actual world, there is only the perfection and purity of infinitude, how incredible!
KUBA: Since yesterday I have gone into some periods of naive enjoyment and appreciation, of
delighting in gay abandon, it’s such an enchanted way of ‘being’ to experience life in that manner, it seems for
‘me’ this is as good as it gets. Living in gay abandon is exactly the opposite direction to ‘my’ normal modus operandi, which is to
be trapped in the cage of ‘my’ self-imposed worries, anxieties, dreams, schemes etc. And yet the option is
available, at any moment, to go into gay abandon. I am intent on figuring out experientially how to take that option
each moment again now. It’s not stepping out of the cave yet
but it is dancing and smelling the flowers right by the exit.
Cave: KUBA: I remember the first few months of my involvement with actualism I wrote a post about how I
found myself in such a weird situation. It was as if ‘my’ whole life ‘I’ had been stuck in this dark and cold
cave with monsters all around, and now with actualism I found a way out of the cave where light was shining and where
freedom was located. And it is such a weird scenario, because there are now people outside of that cave, such as yourself, waving a flag, and to top it all off they have also gentrified the way out of the cave so that it is not perilous. And ‘we’ know all this and yet in the cave ‘we’ remain! The addiction to ‘being’ i.e. suffering is quite something. I am immensely appreciative of what has been done thus far by fellow human beings to arrive at this
current situation. Being the next to “step out” is of course the best thing that ‘I’ can do for humankind.
KUBA: What gay abandon is, what naiveté is, is the antithesis to control and insecurity, those are literally 2 opposite directions to travel. The need for control is borne of ‘my’ fundamental insecurity, all of ‘my’ best schemes are backed by anxiety, the very need to have those schemes is fear in motion, it is ‘me’ building ‘my’ glass houses from the ‘safety’ of ‘my’ hiding place. Whereas naiveté and gay abandon is the undoing of the need for control in the first place. That fundamental insecurity is somehow nowhere to be found when naive, like ‘I’ have just willingly kicked down the walls of ‘my’ hiding place and ‘I’ find delight and freedom as opposed to danger. That game of ‘danger’ and ‘safety’ that ‘I’ was playing is then seen to be over nothing, an instinctual passionate drama. Meanwhile there is now wonder all around and no danger in sight. Ha I am reminded of what Richard wrote (paraphrasing) that whilst everyone was huddling around the
fire ‘he’ had gone out into the darkness of the night – where apparently monsters were to be found – and ‘he’
discovered it to be a delight!
(Actualism, Actualvineeto, Kuba12, 29 November 2025). KUBA: Hehe yes I do know how to “get down to brass tacks” in fact I have used this practical knowledge recently to push into new territory, which is fabulous! I will use Geoffrey’s below quote to explain what I have done : [Emphasis by Kuba].  (Geoffrey,
DAO: The Perpetual Music Thread, 1 September 2021).
KUBA: A few days ago I realised that although I did a good job of exploring, investigating and diminishing the “human constitution” I nevertheless stopped each time right when the “lid was off” and ‘I’ was experienced where ‘I’ am forever threatened, where the core of ‘me’ as an instinctual ‘being’ is seen. In fact what I see clearly now is that all the armchair philosophising and steeple chasing (anything but doing) was exactly that, a way to avoid seeing ‘myself’ were ‘I’ am forever threatened. And it’s actually quite impressive what efforts ‘I’ went to in order to prevent the bright light of awareness from being cast on the innermost recesses of ‘my’ being. Well this clicked the other day, that I could not say “nothing of humanity is foreign to me” because I have not dared to look into ‘my’ very ‘being’. And of course how could I ever look to give up that which I have not even intimately experienced, and this is ‘me’ after-all. So I proceeded into the “frightful place” of the psyche haha, not as a “one and done” situation but with the intent on maintaining a fascinated attention, to explore every nook and cranny of the very depths of ‘my’ being. I thought to myself that I have been tasked with the job of painting the most realistic image of the depths of ‘my’ psyche. I can certainly see why nerves of steel and daring are needed, at first it was as if I would go mad or collapse into an incoherent mess and yet once the storm calmed down somewhat I realised that 1 – These are passions and calentures not facts. 2 – These affective storms leave no emotional scars. In fact I found that after these deep explorations it would be as if someone just wiped a grimy window and now more freedom and more perfection and purity was shining through. So I have succeeded where I failed time and time again in the past, I have stepped forward exactly where I would usually turn around. And I know from direct experience now that it is safe to proceed. Since daring to experience the “frightful place of the psyche” I have found myself more and
more in this wondrous “no man’s land”, it is not Terra Actualis but it is certainly not reality anymore.
And I find myself in this wondrous place without the affective storms getting in the way, or when they do come up they
become just another opportunity for ‘me’ to be seen even clearer.
KUBA: Driving to London again so I thought I would do a little report whilst Sonya is behind the wheel. There has been so much going on recently that I don’t think I could chronicle everything but I will note the main things. A few days ago I saw that the next step in the direction I was proceeding was to abandon hope. It took daring for sure, it meant no more “redemptive straws”, only extinction ahead. I found though that without hope, despair also took its leave. Without hope and despair to maintain ‘me’ I have found myself pulled ever closer to my destiny, which is more and more experienced to be right under my nose. This is what is different now, that before the “no man’s land” was experienced almost with a hint of eerie, an alien land where nothing familiar to ‘me’ existed. Whereas now it is more along the lines of what Srinath wrote - that this magical (actual) world is our rock solid inheritance. So there has been a lot of wondrous contemplation along these lines as well as experientially coming closer and closer to the destination. It’s funny that in the past I was so hell bent on trying to reduce actuality into a bite sized intellectual package, one that I could copy and paste here and there. But this is missing out on the main event, which is the actual living of it, and how could I possibly place all this wonder into a neat little package anyways. There has been some choppy waters and ‘I’ have come in to spoil things here and there, but it seems I have been able to take all this into my stride and carry on proceeding, and things have only been getting more and more wondrous. In fact this what I am living now is so worth all that I did in order to arrive here, and not even as a step along some map but as a wondrous adventure in itself. It looks like all the “rehearsing” I did over the past year was not a time wasted either, as I have been able to successfully orient myself in this new territory. But back then I did not want to be on the ride, the resistance was completely unpalatable. Whereas this what is happening now, I would not have it any other way. And it’s something that has to be lived, the wonder and the enjoyment and appreciation possible. As a side note I notice that this wondrous enjoyment and appreciation is anhedonic, which means that it can be completely off the scales and yet it can never be too much. It looks like all the various things which could possibly be in place, are in place. I find no
compulsion for the doer to come in and to try to force it to happen. As Richard said only the utter fullness can do
it. What ‘I’ have left to do is to give permission (joyfully and wholeheartedly), to allow it to happen.
VINEETO: Hi Kuba,Great to hear from you. You seem to be having a grand time. (…) I am also reminded of another quote which I had already sent you before, but perhaps you can now obtain some additional experiential benefit from it –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, Yes thank you the quote from Richard is very apt, actually it has shown me that the destination is not
just right under my nose (here) but also no further than instantaneously now, it’s that close!
KUBA: Hi Vineeto and Adam-H,
KUBA: Wow what an incredible description. When I read this it was the word spontaneously that caught my attention. I read your response to Chrono just before and the quote you provided from Richard explains this spontaneous felicity and innocuity every moment of one’s life :
KUBA: Certainly not just a difference in degree haha! I have experienced recently that there is an unbelievable perfection and purity, and it happens without any input from ‘me’, it is here already. When ‘I’ get out of the way then it is seen that the entire world is like this and it is all happening already, of it’s own accord. Which explains the below a little more :
KUBA: It’s because that perfection and purity has got nothing to do with ‘me’, ‘I’ can only spoil it by getting involved. ‘I’ allow this perfection and purity – which is already here – by getting out of the way. ‘I’ am not needed at all to maintain or generate it, and this is perhaps the thing that can take so long for ‘me’ to fully comprehend and accept. That time and time again ‘I’ get involved and then notice when looking back that there is now a lack of perfection
and purity… So then this other sweet possibility hoves into view – could it be that ‘I’ am only standing in
the way of it.
Hi Andrew,
KUBA: Good timing that you mention this as I can now confidently report from the other side of that “wall of fear”. I realised something similar a couple weeks ago, that this fear had been there all ‘my’ life, in varying degrees from mild anxiety to full blown terror. This terror itself is borne of ‘my’ existential angst at being a contingent ‘entity’ and is experienced by all ‘beings’. It is ‘my’ home, it is what ‘I’ am at core – the place where ‘I’ am forever threatened. Exploring the very depths of ‘my’ being cannot be done “safely from a distance” or solved as a puzzle, Peter described well the means of effective exploration :
It is certainly an adventure to dare to look in the place where ‘my’ fundamental insecurity exists
and yet it is such a worthwhile exploration, it delivers the goods and then some.
KUBA: I am happy to hear of your success with locating this fear, I too found something similar – that underneath the various aspects of ‘my’ identity such as the high achiever, the problem solver etc. Was fear, this fear was like the foundation upon which all other dramas were built. And I had inklings that this was the case but then what to do with this fear? I remember thinking that there is just no way this fear could be tackled in the same way as looking at a belief or some other outer layer of ‘me’, this was pure instinctual fear, like a cornered animal. And ‘I’ did not want to be seen in that place, even though it was exactly the bright light of awareness that could effect change. The other thing I saw was that ‘I’ would do anything but allow such direct seeing into the depths of ‘my’ being, anything ‘I’ would buy as a distraction from experiencing ‘myself’ where ‘I’ am forever threatened. In my case this was armchair philosophising and steeple chasing as Vineeto called it. And I found that indeed there is something beyond it, that fear – as real as it is – is not a fact. But in order to see this, to actually see it, I had to look. And it is such a wonderful thing when those monsters and demons which exist deep down are seen to be commensurate to the rest of ‘me’, an instinctual passionate drama. Also having seen the above, it is like chipping away at the very action of believing, it is having
concrete evidence that it is safe to proceed through the various aspects of the human condition, that it is all
commensurate and none of it actual. It means there is a certain confidence which develops to keep going no matter what
as nothing can go wrong.
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, It is nice to hear from you:
KUBA: Yes that PCE has turned out to be quite pivotal, it has shown me – without a shadow of a doubt – that the target is completely outside of ‘me’, a different dimension in a sense, to where ‘I’ exist. I think up until now I didn’t see this clearly enough, so there was room to kid myself with imagined targets. That seeing is solidly lodged in my memory and it’s undeniable – there is not a shred of ‘me’ in the actual world. And I have been re-memorating this experience, coming close to it again. Although the doing of it is actually out of my hands, in the sense that I find myself spontaneously pulled into the actual world. Today it happened when I ran a bath and just as I got in this shift occurred, and magically I found myself in the world where "nothing dirty can get in", the perfection and purity was undeniable, and in that experience I as this body am just as clean as the rest of the world. This aspect in particular is so delightful, that there is nothing ‘dirty’ anywhere to be found, not in the world and not in the body. And the shift, when it happens ‘I’ don’t do it, in an instant all is wiped clean, somehow magically ‘I’ disappear and there is this other world which becomes immediately apparent (there is no lag at all), this world is discovered (yet again) to be right here where it has been the whole time. Interestingly enough none of those intense fears which I experienced in the past have returned at
all, and actually seeing that actuality is completely outside of ‘me’ has diminished any fears further if
anything, ‘I’ don’t have to worry about that which is "on the other side" so to speak, it is nothing
to do with ‘me’, the danger exists where ‘I’ remain, that is the risk.
Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless Richard’s & Peter’s & Vineeto’s Text ©The Actual
Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.
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