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(List D refers to Richard’s List D
Vineeto’s Correspondence with Jesus Carlos on Discuss Actualism Forum
JESUSCARLOS: I had a PCE or “vision of perfection” of that actual world in which there is no drama, no need, no resistance, no defense mechanism. Only a vast stillness, a sweetness permeating everything and a great sense of humor: I recorded, with all clarity, that in the actual and free world there is no seriousness, only an absolute sincerity product of the purity inherent to this universe. With all this, it only remained for me to express “I have absolute confidence in this universe, since it has brought me to this moment.” It all happened after having ingested fungi, with the chemical component of psilocybin. The PCE occurred after several episodes of contemplation, appreciation, introspection and “fight” with an alien entity inhabiting this body, which later came to be understood as a mere human condition being denied, to finally integrate as an other dimension of ‘me’ or me in my core. After the moment of struggle-recognition-integration, a deep cry ensued, an emotional discharge that allowed me to drain myself and reduce myself to a minimum. At the end I noticed that there was only pure “love”, or rather “pure sweetness” (in principle I didn’t mind distinguishing one from the other, but I know that the first one could take me to an ASC and translate into an increase of the ‘I’, but it didn’t happen). I was in that PCE for several minutes, and later came back for a couple of hours (the effect of mushrooms was very soft at this time), in which I was contemplating nature, the trees, the birds, the rocks, the plants, and then the stars, the moon, and greatly enjoying the company of my partner, without any record of any emotional compulsion (just “sweetness, sweetness, sweetness” and an absence of separation, which generated a deep atmosphere of intimacy). Between one PCE and the other, I was trying to understand the connection with pure intent, which would allow me to keep the golden thread and access to perfection again. Even today, a few days away, I maintain that pure connection, which allows me to easily move from feeling neutral to feeling good and from time to time from feeling good to feeling excellent. I haven’t managed to go any further and I’m on it, trying to investigate what’s stopping me. I note the reactivation of a certain fear, on a subtle level, of releasing again the controls. And thanks to the previous experience, I know that this resistance is “me", it is the human condition, it is what at that moment was fully integrated and gave its place to the actual world. Thank you Richard, Vineeto, Peter, and everyone here, because it was essential to be able to reach this experience, to have a map that would prevent my loss in other directions. That, the desire to be free and sincerity were and are the key. A final note: during the PCE I was able to ask myself a couple of times, is this what I want? And the answer was: definitely yes!  
VINEETO: Hi JesusCarlos, This is perhaps the most comprehensive and all-encompassing PCE-report I have read. It has all the ingredients a leisurely experienced PCE can have, including establishing the golden clew to access pure intent. Now, it seems, there is nothing in the way to you enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive each moment of your life. You only need to actualize what you already know and have described so well. And as now is the only moment you can experience being alive why not do it now? With appreciation Vineeto
VINEETO: Hi Jesus.Carlos, It is a pleasure to read your excellent progress report. JESUSCARLOS: Although dismantling the political and activist identity is bringing enormous
benefits, it has above all been the exploration of love that has brought the most. What I can say for now is that I
have been replacing a way of relating to my partner based on compulsive attraction with a way based on sweetness and
care (and this substitution has not been a forced decision, rather I would say that it has been the product of
experience and sincere observation). I can recognize that this care has above all to do with not imposing my agenda
on her and fully understanding that she is a human being with her own autonomy, desires and needs. It has helped me
to remember Richard’s commitment to giving himself completely to someone else with the firm intention of managing
to live in an absolutely peaceful, harmonious and beneficial way for both. I feel less and less compulsive, in fact
there are already days or maybe weeks in which I do not experience again the level of anxiety that I felt before the
PCE. From time to time it is reactivated for a short period, and by simply attending to it, observing it, without
expressing it or repressing it, it allows its prompt disappearance. VINEETO: Now that you recognize your partner as a fellow human being in her own right rather then as extension of your “compulsive attraction” which had automatically made you perceive her as your ‘possession’ being responsible, amongst other feelings, for all that anxiety you report. You are now able to experience more and more the delicious benefits of intimacy, which is vastly superior to the feelings of love it replaces. This intimacy can be deliberately increased with sincerity and naiveté and with sensuous attentiveness (see Grace’s scale of intimacy (link). JESUSCARLOS: To remember all the suffering and pain that I have experienced, or in which I have been a participant, even the cause, and the sincerity with which today I can say that I do not want even one millimeter more of all of it. On the contrary. That clarity that arises from that sincerity reestablishes the connection. And also naivety. VINEETO: Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had similar sympathy and compassion for the hardships and, sometimes overwhelming, suffering of human beings she observed in the news and could relate to from some of ‘her’ own emotional struggles. Towards the end this vital interest developed into “a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster” (nowadays paraphrased as ‘near-actual-caring’) which facilitated ‘her’ self-immolation. Here is part of Richard’s summary of it:
JESUSCARLOS: Finally: since this weekend I have begun to understand more clearly what it means to decide how to feel, moment by moment (or when it is necessary to make a decision, since the consistency of feeling good, or excellent, etc. has been broken). I confess with all sincerity that until recently it seemed very difficult for me to understand or even accept this possibility. My tendency was rather that of a victim of circumstances. Feeling without agency at certain moments and in a negative sense (“the beer” is, in a positive sense, the disappearance of the “dooer’s” agency). This has begun to change significantly. Now I see and recognize that I do have that power, that decision is in my hands. Why not always decide to feel good, and beyond? It seems more and more absurd to me. And wonderful. VINEETO: This is really wonderful that you have recognized, and are actualizing, that how you feel is in your hands (and not due to some favourable or unfavourable event) and this enables you to feel good again each time after feeling/ good/feeling excellent slips below the line. Such a delight to read, thank you. Cheers Vineeto
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Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.
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