SONYA: Didn’t realise how long it has been since I last wrote on here. Lately, I’ve been kinda stuck I guess. These are the things I’ve been really struggling with:

So, regarding putting in the work in being happy and harmless. I’m really struggling lately to take it a step further. So here is my little tiny step I’m doing on my own so I can go further into this adventure into living what I really want deep down.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Welcome back to the forum.

If your self-respect allows, I would like to make one or two comments on what you wrote. I appears you are making good progress regarding your problem No. 2 and meet your fear of failing head-on – and you are succeeding. It’s really the only way to deal with such fear – look at it without blinking, so to speak, and you notice that its intensity will diminish right away, and then you can proceed to do what you want to do.

No. 1 is more complex. First of all, you will perhaps be relieved to learn that every single feeling being deep down feels that there is something wrong with ‘being’ here, with being ‘me’. The reason is that ‘I’ as a feeling being am an impostor, a fraud, an alien entity, having taken charge over your flesh-and-blood body. This feeling of something being wrong with ‘you’ will not disappear except in a PCE or when actually free.

What you can do is to diminish the strength and influence of ‘me’ in your daily life by enjoying and appreciating being here and thus reduce the identity-enhancing ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings and increase the identity-diminishing happy and harmless feelings.

I don’t know how much you read of Richard’s writing, or how much you are interested to read – I can post some quotes here and you let me know if that is explanatory and beneficial for you.

Richard: ‘Being a ‘self’ is because the only way into this world of people, things and events is via the human spermatozoa fertilising the human ova ... thus every human being is endowed, by blind nature, with the basic instinctual passions of fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Thus ‘I’ am the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes. ‘I’ am the product of the ‘success story’ of blind nature’s fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Being born of the biologically inherited instincts genetically encoded in the germ cells of the spermatozoa and the ova, ‘I’ am – genetically – umpteen tens of thousands of years old ... *‘my’ origins are lost in the mists of pre-history*. ‘I’ am so anciently old that *‘I’ may well have always existed* ... carried along on the reproductive cell-line, over countless millennia, from generation to generation. And ‘I’ am thus passed on into an inconceivably open-ended and hereditably transmissible future.

In other words: ‘I’ am fear and fear is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am aggression and aggression is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am nurture and nurture is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am desire and desire is ‘me’.

The instinctual passions are the very energy source of the rudimentary animal self (...)’. [emphases added]. (Richard, Homepage).

Richard: Yes, the sense of identity (‘I’ and ‘me’ or ‘self’ and ‘Self’ or ‘ego’ and ‘soul’ or ‘aham’ and ‘atman’ and so on) is the spanner in the works. I fail to see how anybody could even contemplate ridding this body of its alien entity without a clear and distinct knowledge of the ultimate goal. This is why I stress the importance of remembering one of your PCE’s (that all people have had at least once in their lives) and avoiding the cultural interpretations of the experience based upon the narcissistic tendency for the instinctual survival of ‘self’ in some (metaphysical) shape or form. Hence my exposé of the altered state of consciousness known as enlightenment. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 4, 26 January 1999).

Richard: I was born in Australia, of an English/ Scottish Hong Kong-born father and an English/ English Australia-born mother. With this British background, I was enculturated into believing that I was, literally, an Australian citizen ... but with British blood. Now, blood is blood ... there is no such ‘thing’ as an ‘Australian’, an ‘American’, a ‘German’, a ‘Japanese’ and so on. Thus the wars and the suicides – the blood shed and the tears shed – are precipitated because of the absurdity of identification ... is not all this acculturation ridiculous! However, as an infant, a child, a youth and then a man, I was so programmed as to be unable to discriminate fact from fiction. I had no terms of reference that I could use as a standard to determine which was which, as every single human being on this planet was not simply a flesh and blood body ... but similarly conditioned into being an ‘ethnic’ human being.

Thus I bought the whole package. Hook, line and sinker.

As I slowly started to unravel the mess that humankind was deeply mired in by unravelling it in me, I discovered a second layer under ‘my’ acculturated ethnicity ... ‘I’ was brainwashed into being a ‘man’ and not simply a flesh and blood male body. Under the enculturated layers lies a further identity ... the genetically-inherited animal ‘self’. It took me years and years of exploration and discovery to find out that ‘I’ was a ‘me’ – a ‘being’ – and not simply a flesh and blood body. By identification as ‘me’, a psychological/ psychic entity was able to ‘possess’ this body. It is not unlike those Christians who are said to be possessed by an evil entity and require exorcism. Only this ‘possession’ was called being normal. Therefore, every human being is thus possessed by an ‘alien entity’ ... I discovered that a ‘walk-in’ was in control of this body and that this ‘walk-in’ was ‘me’.

So, superficially there is a composite conditioned social identity that encompasses:

1. A vocational identity as ‘employee’/‘employer’, ‘worker’/‘pensioner’, ‘junior/‘senior’ and so on.
2. A national identity as ‘English’, ‘American’, ‘Australian’ and etcetera.
3. A racial identity as ‘white’, ‘black’, ‘brown’ or whatever.
4. A religious/spiritual identity as a ‘Hindu’, a ‘Muslim’, a ‘Christian’, a ‘Buddhist’ ad infinitum.
5. A ideological identity as a ‘Capitalist’, a ‘Communist’, a ‘Monarchist’, a ‘Fascist’ and etcetera.
6. A political identity as a ‘Democrat’, a ‘Tory’, a ‘Republican’, a ‘Liberal’ and all the rest.
7. A family identity as ‘son’/‘daughter’, ‘brother’/‘sister’, ‘father’/‘mother’ and the whole raft of relatives.
8. A gender identity as ‘boy’/‘girl’, ‘man’/‘woman’.

These are related to roles, rank, positions, station, status, class, age, gender ... the whole organisation of hierarchical control. But behind all that – underlying all socialised classifications – is the persistent feeling of being an identity inhabiting the body: an affective ‘entity’ as in a deep, abiding and profound feeling of being an occupant, a tenant, a squatter or a phantom hiding behind a façade, a mask, a persona; as a subjective emotional psychological ‘self’ and/or a passionate psychic ‘being’ (‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul) inhabiting the psyche; a deep feeling of being a ‘spirit’; a consciousness of the immanence of ‘presence’ (which exists immortally); an awareness of being an autological ‘being’ ... the realisation of ‘Being’ itself. In other words: everything you think, feel and instinctually know yourself to be.

Your feeling of being – the real ‘me’ – is evidenced when one says: ‘But what about me, nobody loves me for me’. For a woman it may be: ‘You only want me for my body ... and not for me’. For a man it may be: ‘You only want me for my money ... and not for me’. For a child it may be: ‘You only want to be my friend because of my toys (or sweets or whatever)’. That deep feeling of ‘me’ – that ‘being’ itself – is at the core of identity. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 12a, 28 January 1999)

Cheers Vineeto 

April 15 2025

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for the reply.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

You are very welcome.

*

VINEETO: First of all, you will perhaps be relieved to learn that every single feeling being deep down feels that there is something wrong with ‘being’ here, with being ‘me’.

SONYA: This is what Kuba said to me yesterday so it is relieving that someone else has also found that to be the case. I see that just knowing this doesn’t change anything for me but living my daily like enjoying and appreciating being here is the way forward.

VINEETO: Yes, this is definitely a good route to choose. The way this works is to comprehend that this moment is the only moment you can actually experience being alive – what happened yesterday or an hour ago is a memory, and what will happen tomorrow or an hour from now is based on planning and/or conjecture or both. Therefore, if you are not happy now you are wasting the only moment you can actually experience – the perfect incentive to change that.

You can read Richard’s article on This Moment of Being Alive for detailed instructions and ask me if anything is not clear to you.

*

VINEETO: I don’t know how much you read of Richard’s writing, or how much you are interested to read – I can post some quotes here and you let me know if that is explanatory and beneficial for you.

SONYA: I have read some parts of Richard’s journal a while ago and I did give up on it since I struggled to get a grasp on what he was saying and I also ended up falling asleep trying to comprehend the writings . I think I was content with where I was before so I didn’t have much motivation to read more of Richard’s writings. However, I find myself wanting to do better and be better now so I am definitely interested in reading.

VINEETO: I can understand that. Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had to read Richard’s writing slowly and several times the same topic before she could grasp something of what was conveyed. When ‘she’ had a PCE the meaning of his writing became much clearer because she could comprehend a lot more experientially.

Richard: ‘I’ am fear and fear is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am aggression and aggression is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am nurture and nurture is ‘me’ and ‘I’ am desire and desire is ‘me’. (Richard, Homepage).

SONYA: This confuses me. Is this saying that the instinctual passions such as the fear, aggression, nurture is what ‘I’ am as identity? Like the building blocks that creates what I am? Is that why I feel like there is something ‘wrong’ with me? Because I am always acting via the instinctual passions?

VINEETO: Essentially yes. The identity, ‘you’, is comprised of several components – at the core are the instinctual survival passions which humans have in common with animals.

Richard: “The term ‘Human Condition’ is a universally-accepted philosophical expression referring to the situation all human beings find themselves in when they emerge as babies on this verdant and azure planet which begat the human race and whereat humankind flourishes. This well-known phrase refers to the contrary and perverse nature of all peoples of all races and all cultures down through the ages. There is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ in everyone; all humans have a ‘dark side’ to their affective-psychic nature and a ‘light side’.” (Richard, Abditorium, The Human Condition).

VINEETO: Then there is a second layer of the social identity, which encompasses all the ethics (right and wrong) and morals (good and bad), which humans have established and passed on in order to keep the wily instinctual passions in check to a certain degree. So you are being both the instinctual passions (emotions) and the societal feelings (the ethical and moral beliefs, principles, etc) … and are acting accordingly.

Richard: “The battle betwixt ‘Good and Evil’ has raged since time immemorial and it requires constant vigilance lest sorrow, with its ever-attendant malice, gains the upper hand. An admixture of social mores and cultural folkways seek to control the wayward self which lurks deep within the human breast; and some semblance of peace – an ad hoc and uneasy truce – prevails for the main. Wherever virtuous morality and principled ethicality fails to curb this ‘savage beast’ some form of law and order is maintained – albeit, ultimately at the point of a gun – by state-sanctioned policing.” (Richard, Abditorium, The Human Condition).

VINEETO: As such, ‘you’, the identity, are those instinctual passions – in other words, you don’t have those passions but they are the very substance ‘you’ are made of (except when you have a PCE where this very identity goes temporarily in abeyance including the instinctual passions and feelings). Those survival passions are like a whirlpool and the very movement of those feelings and passions is what keeps the identity in existence.

When you comprehend this deeply, you can choose to either be anger and sadness or be the happy and harmless feelings, the moment you notice any diminishment in feeling good.

Richard: This is why I stress the importance of remembering one of your PCEs (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 4, 26 January 1999).

SONYA: Unfortunately I cannot remember a PCE.

VINEETO: In a quiet moment you can search in your memory, not the emotional or intellectual memory but either an intuitive or sensory memory, and see if you find an outstanding experience, where everything was all right, was just as it should be and was so magnificent and extraordinary, as if not from this world, so peaceful and gay, that you experienced it as always wanting to live this way. Most likely they happened in childhood – perhaps you can unearth a memory. They are not stored in the normal emotional memory hence a bit difficult to rediscover.

I do suspect you have a very vague memory of one or more PCEs because you said that you “feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me”, and in the next paragraph below you say that “I like the use of the word ‘persona’. This is exactly how I feel. Like I am keeping up a persona.” To feel there is something “wrong with me” there must be a benchmark to what would be right with you in comparison, something actual.

Richard: “is the persistent feeling of being an identity inhabiting the body: an affective ‘entity’ as in a deep, abiding and profound feeling of being an occupant, a tenant, a squatter or a phantom hiding behind a façade, a mask, a persona” … (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 12a, 28 January 1999)

SONYA: So from the quotes you provided of Richard’s writings I understand it is the reason why I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me is because who ‘I’ am as an identity isn’t actual, I exist as a mix of instinctual passions, roles, rank, etc. I like the use of the word ‘persona’. This is exactly how I feel. Like I am keeping up a persona.

VINEETO: This is an excellent observation, and whatever you are trying to do to make it ‘right’ on the emotional level or even the intellectual level will have no lasting effect.

As I said yesterday, what you can do with the help of the actualism method is to diminish the strength and influence of ‘me’, the persona, in your daily life by enjoying and appreciating being here and thus reduce the identity-enhancing ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings and increase the identity-diminishing felicitous feelings, i.e. enjoyment and appreciation.

By being honest with yourself and sincere in your endeavour you can re-awaken your dormant naiveté (being like a child but with adult sensibilities) and keep ‘thinning’ your identity to the point that it becomes more and more insubstantial.

Cheers Vineeto

April 16 2025

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

Your explanation of the different layers of the identity is really helpful for me to understand. I’m quite a visual learner so the description of the different layers of instinctual passions and social identity made me immediately think of an ‘identity onion’ made of those different layers. 

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

This is a good equivalent. I have other actualists seen describe their process as peeling the onion to get to the core. It’s all about becoming aware, each moment again, how you experience being alive. When there is a dip in feeling good, you can look at what caused it (the top layer of the onion) and then consciously recognize that’s it’s silly to let such an event interfere with feeling good.

Sometimes a ‘problem’ can be a sticky, so to speak, and that is generally because of a certain belief or principle or attitude you have adopted as ‘right’ or ‘just’ or ‘true’ – you can then discuss this with yourself, or with another actualist, if it really makes sense to keep this belief/ attitude/ principle and thus allow it to interfere with your intent of enjoying being here.

However, before you start ‘peeling’ away the societal/ cultural conditioning it is imperative that at minimum a sincere intent to be happy and harmless be dedicatorily in place because this social conditioning is otherwise essential to keep the instinctual passions in check (Library, Topics, Social Identity, #Warning). Kuba might be able to help whenever you are not sure.

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VINEETO: I do suspect you have a very vague memory of one or more PCEs …

SONYA: That would be cool to remember! I think for now what I’ve been grasping to is small glimmers of peaceful/ content moments I find myself experiencing that tend to make me pause for a moment to take it in. Usually when I’m eating something nice or cuddling with Kuba. Those are great for now.

VINEETO: This link may be helpful (FAQ, How to Induce a PCE) for getting closer to a PCE. Perhaps it’s a good idea, as Kuba suggested, to look for a resistance or hesitation regarding a PCE because the implications can seem too much. But you seem to be a woman of courage and determination, and you have already succeeded in overcoming some of your fears by facing them. As you said, “it’s funny cause once I’m actually doing ‘it’, it’s never as scary”.

*

VINEETO: You can read Richard’s article on This Moment of Being Alive for detailed instructions and ask me if anything is not clear to you.

SONYA: I’m going to give it a go. Thanks for offering to clarify!

VINEETO: Here is an interesting correspondence you may relate to –

RESPONDENT: I don’t understand the AF method instructions.

RICHARD: The actualism method is remarkably simple in practice:

• [Richard]: ‘It is really very, very simple (which is possibly why it has never been discovered before this): one felt good previously; one is not feeling good now; something happened to one to end that felicitous feeling; one finds out what happened; one sees how silly that is (no matter what it was); one is once more feeling good’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 71, 9 July 2004b).

RESPONDENT: I can’t remember a PCE either ...

RICHARD: As your [quote] ‘either’ [endquote] links the lack of remembrance of a pure consciousness experience (PCE) with not understanding the essence of the way I have previously described the workings of the actualism method it is pertinent to point out that such is not initially necessary in order to feel as felicitous/ innocuous as is possible whilst one goes about one’s everyday life. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 79, 21 June 2005)

KUBA: It seems to me that you are right at that point where – “one can stay quiescent no longer”. You just need to locate what it is exactly that you are aiming for (where you have been proceeding anyways).

SONYA to Kuba: I had to google what quiescent meant but yes, that’s exactly how I feel. It just really hit me when doing our wedding stuff yesterday that what I want most in this world is to be happy and harmless with you 24 hours a day 7 days a week. That’s a really really big motivator for me. We are legally making a commitment to ‘join’ our lives together so why am I not making the commitment to live life with you in the most fun, exciting, wholesome, fulfilling way? I can really see now that that is what I want, more than anything. For now, without the memory of a PCE that desire is what I’m holding on to.

VINEETO: Ah, Sonya, this is wonderful to read. It so reminds me how, when feeling being ‘Vineeto’ met ‘Peter’ the first time, ‘he’ proposed to want to live together in peace and harmony and with honesty look at everything which got in the way of this aim. ‘Vineeto’ thought ‘she’ never heard a more attractive proposal and agreed. ‘We’ had great fun together, to put it mildly. Peter described it in his journal . (Actualism, Peter, Selected Writing, Living Together)

Besides, with a commitment to be “happy and harmless with you [Kuba] 24 hours a day 7 days a week” you cannot fail having a PCE sooner or later.

Cheers Vineeto