Actual Freedom – General Correspondence

April 21 1998

ALAN: Richard, I would dearly like to read ‘The Actualism Journal’, my details are as follows: <SNIPPED PERSONAL DETAILS> I am much enjoying exploring your pages and am reading through the questions and answers with great interest and much humour. I have discovered several interesting sites, since getting connected to the Net a few months ago, but when it got to the crunch, there was always some ‘belief’ lurking underneath, like The Urantia Book, A Course In Miracles or some other such twaddle. I know (I hope) I am not going to find that with you!

I am thrilled to have found someone who is talking about the experiences I have had and the fact that you have achieved it for 4 years gives me great encouragement – the most I have managed is a few weeks. Once I have read the journal, I would like to explore how you managed not to lose it or, rather, stop the ‘I’ from taking control again.

Look forward to hearing from you.

RICHARD: Thank you for your E-Mail requesting ‘The Actualism Journal’. I am only too happy to send it to you ... you will find it attached to this E-Mail. I only know how to work in Microsoft, so it is zipped with ‘WinZip’ and the clue is to unzip it into a folder and you will find seven icons contained therein. Click on the one named ‘Richard’s Journal’ and it should open into your browser. Please feel free to let me know if you have any difficulties opening it.

I have been engaged this last week in revising the original version – polishing some obvious writing flaws – and adding some ten thousand words to flesh it out with more coherence. The Journal now weighs in at 299KB zipped but should only take about two minutes to download on a 33.6 modem. I have also renamed it ‘Richard’s Journal’ because a close associate of mine has recently published a book on his own Web-Site called ‘Peter’s Journal’.

I would indeed be very interested to explore these matters further ... and to hear of your experiences.

April 23 1998

RICHARD: Thank you for your prompt reply ... I am pleased to hear that ‘Richard’s Journal’ arrived okay even if you had not unzipped it before writing. Your attachment to me in ‘Word’ opened just fine in my computer, so you are obviously running Microsoft and I do not envisage you having any problem in opening the journal.

ALAN: I am so glad to have received your reply. I know I have the tendency to jump into things with both feet and get excited thinking ‘this is the one’, but this time I really think it is true and I am so excited.

RICHARD: I have the highest regard for anyone jumping in ‘boots and all’ ... how else can one become free of the Human Condition unless there is a certain amount of well-considered impulsiveness? It takes audacity and acumen – fortitude and finesse – to negotiate the ‘mind-field’ of the psyche ... but it is the adventure of a life-time. You have good reason to be excited ... how about inspired, thrilled, agog, delighted and overjoyed into the bargain? You will need all the enthusiasm you can muster ... and more.

ALAN: This is what I wrote about yesterday afternoon (I have ‘borrowed’ some of your words). I spent most of the day yesterday having a peak experience and several times PCE’s and had a marvellous afternoon interacting with people and living in the world. Twice, I almost turned that switch, at the top of the brain stem, which Richard talks about. I had forgotten about this feeling/experience, which has happened to me before and it is just like there is a switch there. I had never thought of it in terms of a ‘switch’, it is a very good description. I could feel the ‘glow’ in my heart/gut and the tingling up my spine, culminating in the brain stem and could feel that switch almost clicking over – I just could not force it over the last little bit – I (which I?) knew what it would mean to turn the switch all the way. I knew, and remembered, and could sense, the great peace, clarity and wonder, which was just waiting.

RICHARD: It is not a matter of ‘forcing’ anything ... that is ‘I’ trying like all get-out to make something happen. It is more a matter of letting-go of the controls and allowing this moment to be here now in all its splendour – as it already is – and become the experience of the doing of this business called being alive. Life operates far more smoothly when ‘I’ am not ‘in there’ fondly imagining that ‘I’ am running things. It is surprisingly easy to let go of the controls ... ‘I’ am not actually in control anyway. ‘I’ make ‘decisions’ after the event – maybe an infinitesimal split-second after – but ‘I’ always operate in arrears.

ALAN: I also felt fear and could sense the terror of the ‘I’ fighting for its existence – ‘Don’t do it’, ‘How do you know he is right’, ‘You are not experiencing what he is and he will laugh at you for thinking you are the same’, ‘It is all a sham – he has not replied to your mail – if he was what you think he is he would be welcoming you with open arms’, ‘You are deluding yourself – don’t be stupid’ ‘There is no one else who has felt the same as you – with all your reading and searching you have found no one who has felt the same’, ‘You are reading what you want into his writings, he is not saying what you think’, ‘So you think you know more than all these great men’, ‘You know nothing about enlightenment, you have not done nearly enough work’.

RICHARD: You are dead right ... ‘I’ will never, ever be ready. So, do it anyway ... it will all work out okay. Take the risk; be daring; be audacious; be bold; be brazen ... just do it. You can tidy up any loose ends afterwards.

ALAN: I could feel myself almost saying goodbye to me and tears started running down my cheeks. I felt a great warmth and a great sadness for the me, who had got me to here and tried to say thank you and good bye but still I could not force that switch over the last little bit and gradually I slipped back into ‘reality’ and away from reality.

RICHARD: I can relate to this ‘saying goodbye’ part (see paragraph six of Appendix 1 in ‘Richard’s Journal’) but when it devolves into sentimentality, it is the self struggling for survival through pathos. Saying ‘thank you’, although well-meant, is guaranteed to drag one back into everyday reality. This is gratitude, and gratitude feeds off resentment (see paragraphs eleven and twelve in Article 21 of ‘Richard’s Journal’). One has to actually want to be here on earth ... no more saying: ‘I didn’t ask to be born’.

ALAN: We have very different backgrounds you and I, Richard. I have very little experience of Eastern spiritualism – I have always shied away as I did not seem to want what it offered. I do not know how I arrived at, what I think, is the same place as you.

Perhaps the best I can do is attach a copy of my scribblings – please excuse the roughness – I have a lot of work to do on them yet. We use different expressions and phraseology. I think what I call Enlightenment, you call Actualism. And I do not imply any metaphysical meaning when using capital letters, though I understand, from what I have already read of you so far, your reasons for so doing, as you were immersed in the Eastern approach.

RICHARD: I am enjoying going through your ‘scribblings’ ... you are very honest and that is a good sign. It is extremely important to be honest with oneself – scrupulously honest – for duplicity and cupidity are the hall-marks of being ‘human’. I would like to comment on many aspects of what you wrote, but at a later date, for I wish to get this E-Mail back to you as soon as possible. For now, this paragraph seems relevant:

[Alan]: ‘So why am I now not willing to take the final step. Part of me is saying ‘You can’t possibly be as advanced – or even more advanced – as these people (who have written the books), you haven’t done a tenth or even a hundredth of what they have done’. Part says ‘wait until you find somebody who has had the same experience as you had. Be safe’. Part says ‘Don’t be foolish you can’t live like that all the time – do you want all that hassle again and the depression again when you come down’. Part says ‘You imagined all you went through before, it wasn’t really enlightenment’. Part says ‘Wow! lets go’. Part says ‘I’m back in line with my purpose’. Part says ‘Why have I held back and wasted all these years’. Part says ‘I’m not sure, I’m frightened, suppose it all goes wrong?’ Part says ‘You’re never going to make it’. Part says ‘Nobody else has experienced what you went through – You’re a nut case’. Part says ‘Don’t do it – you’ll lose [name deleted] and she is all you’ve got’. [endquote].

Speaking personally, ‘I’ lost everything: ‘my’ wife, ‘my’ children, ‘my’ business, ‘my’ house, ‘my’ car ... the lot. But, most importantly, I lost ‘me’ ... and they were ‘his’ wife, children, business, house, car and so on, anyway ... not mine. I inherited all ‘his’ stuff when ‘he’ disappeared, and I took five years to taper-off all of ‘his’ legacy. Nowadays, being me as-I-am, I have an entirely new life that is infinitely better ... vastly superior. That lifestyle was ‘his’ choice, not mine, and suited ‘his’ temperament only. You will never be the same again ... ever (see the last paragraph of Article 36 in ‘Richard’s Journal’).

ALAN: What I am really interested in is how to regain that state of absolute clarity and love of being alive – but I know I am going to do that – I made that decision last year. More importantly how not to lose it, because that is one of the big things ‘I’ am using to hold me back – ‘What is the point in doing this when you are just going to lose it again’. You say the step is irreversible. That is how I too felt, when I was there (here). But I did lose it and you have not.

RICHARD: One does not ‘regain it’ ... it is ever-fresh, ever-new. This moment in eternal time and this place in infinite space has never been before and never will again. Wanting a re-run of a past PCE will keep one out of being here now (see paragraphs five, six and seven in Article 15 of ‘Richard’s Journal’). As to what is the point in doing this ‘when you are just going to lose it again’ ... one does it because it has to be done. It is why you are alive. And nothing is gained without effort ... reach out ... extend yourself ... desire freedom like you have never desired anything before. With sufficient application and diligence – born of the pure intent obtained from one’s peak experiences – nothing is impossible anymore. In fact, the very thing that you – strangely enough – fear the most will become unstoppable ... then you might very well have something to worry about! Because ‘you’ will become extinct and you will be perfection personified.

This is not for the faint of heart or the weak of knee ... one needs nerves of steel to go all the way.

ALAN: I said I tended to jump into things with both feet – I have sent you all this and have not even unzipped your journal yet. Anyway I still have lots of your material, which I have not yet read, to keep me busy and have started a lively discussion on a forum I am on, after suggesting people visit your site.

RICHARD: Just out of interest ... what forum is that? What manner of ‘lively discussion’ have you stirred up? Do you have anything of interest coming out of it? Maybe you might be inclined to copy and paste anything you find outstanding and send it my way? I am always on the look-out for inspired discussion ... I consider it imperative that these matters be discussed. Western civilisation, which has struggled to get out of superstition and medieval ignorance, is in danger of slipping back into the supernatural as the Eastern mystical thought and belief that is beginning to have its strangle-hold upon otherwise intelligent people is becoming more widespread.

And keep this tendency to ‘jump into things with both feet’ alive and well, eh?

April 25 1998

ALAN: Great to hear from you and thank you for your prompt reply. ‘I’ was attempting to bring up all sorts of scares, though none of them really affected me, I was quite happy to enjoy being here. Still it is good to put a lie to those fears. It is so fantastic to have found someone who knows what they are talking about and, more importantly to me, what I am talking about. Also not to be worried if what one is saying might be used against one, as is the usual case (I have found) when pursuing personal growth, spiritual matters etc. It would be great to sit and talk with you ... you don’t know anyone in England living in actual freedom, do you? The journal is now unzipped, with no problem and I am up to article 29 ... fantastic reading.

[Richard]: You have good reason to be excited ... how about inspired, thrilled, agog, delighted and overjoyed into the bargain?

Yes, all of these and more. I suspect I was just being a bit cautious.

[Richard]: ‘I’ am not actually in control anyway. ‘I’ make ‘decisions’ after the event – maybe an infinitesimal split-second after – but ‘I’ always operate in arrears.

I experienced this on a course I went on in the late 80’s. Does this come from Eastern philosophy? There are many similarities between what you write and what that organisation, called Exegisis, ‘taught’. The person who ran the courses, like you was western and had spent some time in the East, studying under ‘Masters’ and had become disillusioned. He was the only other person I have met, who may have been living in actual freedom. I obviously was not ready for it then (or perhaps knew, without realizing, that something ‘was not right’). Anyway, I discovered a great deal about myself during that period and it was very useful. The organization was hounded out of existence by the media.

[Richard]: Speaking personally, ‘I’ lost everything. ‘My’ wife, ‘my’ children, ‘my’ business, ‘my’ house, ‘my’ car ... the lot. But, most importantly, I lost ‘me’ ... and they were ‘his’ wife, children, business, house, car and so on, anyway ... not mine. I inherited all ‘his’ stuff when ‘he’ disappeared, and I took five years to taper-off all of ‘his’ legacy. Nowadays, being me as-I-am, I have an entirely new life that is infinitely better ... vastly superior. That lifestyle was ‘his’ choice, not mine, and suited ‘his’ temperament only.

I know I am likely to lose all of these, if I continue and I will continue – I have no choice, having come this far. I have more or less accepted this. I wrote in my journal (I only called it scribblings in case you put it down) a bit about my relationship with my wife. The difficult bit is as I said:

‘I can’t force her, so I have to give her up. I did at one point get the pain of having to allow people to be what they want to be – even when you desperately want them (and know they would be happier) to do something about it. This is the difference between loving someone and LOVE. Loving someone involves attachment – LOVE means respecting someone absolutely and giving them complete support in whatever they do (This does not include supporting negative habits/games – quite the opposite as, if you LOVE them, you will not support negatives, which is much more difficult to do)’.

(I wrote these words before reading your journal, Richard – substitute ‘actualism’ for ‘LOVE’.) At the present time she is attempting various ploys in an attempt to stop me. I know most of them, but it is still painful to watch (and difficult to deal with). She has had peak experiences and she has read my journal, so she knows more or less what is happening.

I had not realized, until writing this (which just started to come out) that this is the biggest problem for me, at present. If it were reasonably practical I would probably move out. I do not know why I am telling you this, Richard, as I know it is only me who can decide what action to take. Maybe, as you have been through similar problems, some of your experience may be of help to me.

The email forum I joined was One Step – dedicated to discussing aspects of the Moody Blues’ music and lyrics. I have met some quite interesting people and enjoyed some of the discussions, but on the whole it is generally of the ‘Waiting for someone to enlighten us’ variety and many are believers in the Urantia Book. If you want to take a look the web site is www.netwide.net/users/geo/One-Step/Page2.html . I would warn you that if you subscribe it does generate quite a bit of email at times, most of which is a ‘bin job’. My last posting was the heresy that there was no ‘higher purpose’. It has gone unusually quiet since then – maybe I have been ‘struck off’. If I receive any more, I will certainly copy anything I think you might be interested in. One site you might like to have a look at is www.enlightenment.com/index.shtml . I only discovered it fairly recently although the forum seems to be very quiet. I have previously been in correspondence with, Jordan, the owner, and recently suggested he visit your site.

[Richard]: I am always on the look-out for inspired discussion ... I consider it imperative that these matters be discussed. Western civilisation, which has struggled to get out of superstition and medieval ignorance, is in danger of slipping back into the supernatural as the Eastern mystical thought and belief that is beginning to have its strangle-hold upon otherwise intelligent people is becoming more widespread.

You are absolutely right. Since getting on the net, late last year, I have found some incredible rubbish out there. In England, during the 70’s and 80’s the ‘personal growth’ movement was very strong and I was quite involved. There were a lot of good things happening. Then in the late 80’s Eastern mysticism started to take over everything. That was when I ‘dropped out’ of the growth movement and went into a bit of a hibernation until recently.

I keep using different criteria for searching the Net. My latest was ‘altered state of consciousness + enlightenment + love + (another I can’t remember)’. This produced thousands of possibilities and, after searching a few, I decided to narrow it further and added ‘orgasm’. This reduced the possible sites to just over 200 and I found your site!

I am adding below my scribblings of the last two days (and I do mean scribblings this time – I carry around a palmtop computer and jot things down as they occur). Hope this is OK, let me know if you do not want any more. Thank you for your time and words of encouragement.

Scribblings:

Woke up this morning (after 5 hours sleep) feeling alive and wonderful and asking how am I experiencing this moment of being alive? This is obviously working, because at times I have huge difficulty remembering such simple words – ‘I’ is obviously worried by the effect they are having. At times I also have heart palpitations, when contemplating the words – ‘I’ is becoming very, very frightened. Last night, I was trying something from Richard’s journal – setting aside, not giving up, my psychological state of ‘being’. I suddenly got that ‘I’ was only a collection of impressions and indoctrinated responses etc. It was as if I could see ‘I’ as something almost physical – lots of strands in a loose ball and I sort of stepped round it and started walking away, when suddenly a flash and there was a nasty, spitting capuchin monkey sitting on my shoulder – ‘me’. It only lasted a split second – ‘he’ is getting worried about ‘his’ survival.

May 03 1998

RICHARD: A quick note while I am still on-line ... it is one-thirty in the morning here and I am off to bed soon. I will write more than this superficial answer later.

ALAN: I now know what you mean by virtual freedom, because that is where I am and what a glorious, delightful, marvellous place it is. I no longer strive for the ultimate – why should I when it is such a delight to be here. That was my final breakthrough – I had been trying and trying to get ‘there’ when I was here all the time!!!! I let go of the controls !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RICHARD: This is good news indeed ... I am very pleased indeed to have such a delightful E-Mail sitting in my E-Mail programme just now when I logged-on ... I nearly didn’t fire up the computer, for I was off to bed. What can I say? Your exclamation marks say it all. Ain’t life grand!

ALAN: I am like a new born baby going out in the world, for that is what I truly am. And there is so much to do and explore – how can anyone possibly be bored in this veritable wonderland. Meeting people is a joyous occasion, a chance to share yourself with another and show them your joy at being here.

RICHARD: I am always so happy when someone else ‘gets it’, for this wonderland has been sitting here all this while ... it is already always here for the living of it. And it is so simple to get here ... when one knows how.

ALAN: I did doubt you, when you wrote that one could no longer feel love, because of the previous experiences I had, when (from memory) I felt an overpowering LOVE. Not feeling anger, jealousy, despair etc I could believe, as I had already virtually eliminated most of them, but the positive, ‘good’, emotions – I was not so sure about that. I can now verify that you are correct. It is impossible to feel love, or any other emotion, for that matter.

RICHARD: Fair enough that you doubted me ... many people do. It seems so outrageous to say that love can disappear ... it has been held up as being the Summum Bonum of human experience for centuries. How could there possibly be something far, far better than love, they ask? It has to be lived to be known, eh?

ALAN: Let’s arrange a time to speak on the phone. Weekends are a lot cheaper for me and I think you are 9 hours ahead of me.

RICHARD: Nine hours ... you are probably about right at that. Let me see, it is just on two AM Sunday as I type this and I should be sending it in about ten minutes or so. I only sleep about four to five hours each night so any time after that should be fine ... six hours from now would be eight AM here. My number is [number deleted] ... but please do not spread it around as I value my privacy too much. I look forward to conversing with you, however, in view of your present experience ... so I throw my customary caution regarding the phone number to the winds.

ALAN: Would you like to add ‘Alan’s journal’ to your site. I think it would be good, as it would be written from a very different perspective/approach and might be more food for thought for others. If you wish to do so, let me know if you have any preference as to format and content – suggestions would be welcome! I have almost finished reading your journal, then will read Peters, which will no doubt give me more ideas.

RICHARD: Yes indeed, please do ... it being such a controversial subject, the more people who can write about experiencing this moment of being alive the better to give confidence and assurance to others. As to format ... I work out of Microsoft Word 97 HTML Editor (very basic) as I am an amateur at web-page configuration. Anything compatible with that will do fine. It is the words, not the fancy flashing things, that is what is important ... and I already like your style of writing as it is. Go for it, please do.

ALAN: There have just been two attempts by ‘me’ to regain control. The first was a wave of nostalgia sweeping through me. Nostalgia for what? A miserable, drunken existence, sitting in front of a TV, petty bickering, trying to score points, being frightened of doing the ‘wrong’ thing. The second was ‘You are kidding yourself this is not real – what are you going to do when the bubble bursts?’ Well that is in the future. The future does not exist, so the bubble has not ‘burst’ now. As I am living now and not in some spurious future, the bubble has not ‘burst’ for me and will not do so, for so long as I am living here, now. As Richard said – ‘I’ is getting very, very thin.

RICHARD: This is so good to read, Alan ... and you are going well. Do not let doubt come sneaking in, it could be so easy to lose this freedom at this stage, as the old ‘I’ tries to regain ascendancy. And it is funny that you would use the expression ‘bubble bursting’ as that is what I would think back in 1981 ... and is an expression that Peter’s partner, Vineeto, often uses.

It is almost too good to believe, is it not?

May 04 1998

ALAN: I hope you have enjoyed your repose. It is a wonderful side effect that the need for sleep is much reduced – it gives so much more time to enjoy oneself. It was delightful to receive your email. I will keep this short as I hope to speak to you later tonight (my tonight). Just thought you would like this to give you a good start and a giggle, or belly laugh to start your day.

I am writing to all the people I know, in much the same manner. I sent the following to someone who has changed his name and is either seeking, or has FOUND ENLIGHTENMENT. He believes in TRUTH, in very big capitals – I think he does, anyway and if he does not its OK, because he is already here. I titled it ‘The Third Alternative’ and didn’t mention it again. The second paragraph is absolutely true, by the way – sorry, I forgot you know ‘we’ can no longer lie.

Dear [name deleted],

I do not know if you remember me. We corresponded briefly, and had an even briefer phone conversation, in January of this year.

I am writing to tell you that I got ‘here’ and am now living a life of total joy and peace 24 hours a day, 24 hours a week, 365 days a year. I am writing to thank all the people who got me ‘here’ and you were one of them. At a time when I was desperately needing help, I found you and somehow gained a great deal of support from our very brief encounter.

You were absolutely right – it is much better to go for what is true than that which is temporary. And what a veritable wonderland I have found. I live in ecstatic joy every minute of the day. Each second is a precious eternity and I wonder at the majesty and beauty all around – you didn’t tell me it was this fantastic, but I suppose it is difficult to put into words isn’t it?

Anyway, thank you again and I wish you the joy of peace on earth, here and now.

May 07 1998

ALAN: It was great to talk to you and it such a support to know there is someone else who has been through what I am going through and understands what I am talking about.

The last few hours have been a battle (see below for today’s happenings). I finally realised what started it off. When we went out for our walk, with the dog, this morning, I looked round, enjoying the sight of the gorse in full bloom and new leaves growing on the trees. It was magnificent and I (‘I’?) tried to induce a PCE. Of course it didn’t work and the damage had been done – ‘I’ started throwing up whatever could be mustered. I am now getting back to letting happen, whatever happens and letting go of the controls.

I find it extremely useful to write these things down, as they are happening and my palmtop is invaluable for this purpose. Let me know if you are seriously interested and I will dig out and fax you a couple of articles and my own thoughts.

My eyes are suddenly wide open. I look at the bedside clock, it is 7.30 am. I have had 3 ½ hours sleep, yet I am more wide awake now, than in my whole life before. There is no transition between asleep and awake in this brand new world, I have arrived in. I lie reflecting on the events of the previous day for a few minutes. Soon I can tarry no longer. Thoughts and ideas form in my mind at a rate it is impossible for most people to comprehend, for I no longer have all that baggage ‘I’ used to carry round, slowing up my brain.

I am making a blind for the kitchen and find that concentrating on the physical work is of benefit. I suddenly realized what ‘I’ am doing. I am again ‘trying’ to get there – guess who is in control of the trying.

One now understands why you use ‘one’ so much. Isn’t it so much fun!!!!!!!!!!!

What is one experiencing at this moment of being alive? Quite, quite sufficient, thank you very much.

Just imagined someone in the shop asking the usual ‘How are you now’ and my reply ‘One is great – NOW’ and one has mow collapsed into fits of giggles.

The previous crisis has now passed, thanks to ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive’. It truly does work. I just kept plugging away.

I was wrong, now it is cold sweats, feeling sick, feeling dizzy, tiredness, heart palpitations and as for my head, I can’t even begin to explain what is going on in there. And yet at the same time, there is still a sense of calm somehow. It would be very easy to give up, but having come this far I am determined to continue. ‘I’ says ‘give this struggle up for now, you can always get it back again’. ‘I’ says ‘You are making all this up, because you think it is the symptoms you should have. You are inventing something you think you have to go through, just because of what Richard said and went through. You are just doing it to impress him’. That is very, very cunning. ‘I’ wish ‘I’ had never heard of Richard. By early evening I have to go and lie down. My heart is thumping, my stomach is churning, my head is spinning. I think ‘Maybe I am physically ill’, ‘This is all just a show – what a prima donna you are’. There is no point in going into detail about what I went through, because it is my experience and no other’s will be the same. I do not know how long this went on – time had no meaning, but I eventually fell asleep. On awaking I felt OK. I wasn’t having a PCE, but nor did I any longer feel like a battle ground. I gingerly asked ‘What am I experiencing at this moment of being alive?’ All was quiet – what a relief! Shortly thereafter, as I was writing these notes of what I had experienced. my heart again starts to speed up.

I feel completely drained. There is a pounding in my left temple and off we go again – even worse this time.

(Again there is no point in going into great detail. However significant moments were):

At one stage a beautiful blue light started to permeate everything. Could this be ‘stepping into the light’? I (which I?) decided not to investigate and there was a gradual change into a beautiful sunny day, with a deep blue sky.

‘Who is here – nobody – NO BODY – get it – nobody – NO BODY’

(At this point I went into spasms sort of almost vomiting and felt as though my head was splitting).

‘You had better hurry up, you only have 6 hours before you open the shop’ and my reply ‘Listen buddy I am hear for as long as it takes, the shop does not open tomorrow, or all week if necessary’.

Suddenly, like a huge, loud voice ‘WHO’S WEAKNESSES ARE THEY?’. All went quiet, this was such an astounding revelation. This is what somebody typed at the time: there is no one here to have any weaknesses where am I taking place nowhere – what am I. There is no one here to have an experience, there is only the experience. There is no point in waiting for the experience for there is no where to wait I got here how can I get here when I am already here.

After several hours sitting reflecting, with nothing particular happening, it was necessary to get some sleep. It is strange how it is possible to go about the necessary tasks and get things done. Is it that ‘we’ have decided to call a truce until an appropriate time or is it all a load of rubbish ‘I’ am making up. I guess both of us know the answer to that one. Thought – there is no ‘both of us’, nothing exists except ‘me’. One still has a wonderful sense of calm and peace. No emotions prevail. One is delighted to be here.

The first battle has been won. The war is not over. And it matters not one jot.

May 11 1998

ALAN: It is now Monday afternoon here and I am writing this on my palmtop, to send later. Have had much enjoyment out and about ‘playing’. As to whether this is what you call actual freedom, I know not and care even less – there is nobody here to care. If ‘I’ still lurks somewhere, it matters not. One is not aware of any trace, however one shall maintain vigilance, just in case.

It would be interesting to discuss further.

This place seems to be the same as where I was before, yet ‘I’ regained control after a couple of weeks. Where I am now is different, yet the same, as what you call a PCE, so far as one is able to relate in verbal language. It is sort of living constantly in a PCE, but to a different extent. The main difference, for me, seems to be sexual. I remember this from my previous experiences, as you may have read in my journal. I now, again, can appreciate sensual, sexual arousal to the full extent. I am sure you know what I mean. To illustrate: One woman was in the shop and I went past her – the smell of her scent (and her as well, presumably) assailed my nostrils and was overwhelming. Although the woman was over 60 and not physically attractive, this was a profound sensual and sexual experience. The second was a young girl of 19, with proud, firm breasts, displaying all the sensual charm of youth – instant arousal and some wonderful flirtation. There seems to have been some sort of shift, I cannot say whether or not it is irrevocable. It appears irrevocable, from here, but it appeared that way before, yet was not. Can you explain why you consider it to be permanent?

Two possible shifts occurred last night – the nobody NO BODY thing. This was very powerful and even more so ‘who’s weaknesses?’ I think everything went very quiet for a while after this. There was also an interval of spasms/retching/grunting, I am not sure when that occurred – that is the best I can describe it – seeming to come from the pit of the stomach, upwards in completely wrenching bursts. It was like a splitting, which was also in the head. I wish I had been able to write more down at the time, as I cannot now recall all that happened or the sequence of events. Feelings of dread, thinking ‘this is what it is like to be dead’, at one point a little girls voice saying ‘so now you are dead’. And permeating it all was an immense doubt as to whether it was ‘real’, was it all made up because it was what I thought I should be going through. At one stage there was a profound plea to give it up, I could not take anymore – not of the process, but of this doubt as to whether it was ‘real’ – a silent scream of – Please, I don’t know if this all means anything or not. I think it was shortly after this, there was the thought that this making it up thing and doing it to impress someone were my biggest weaknesses, closely followed by the thought of ‘who’s weaknesses’. I have started putting bits together, for inclusion in your web site and wrote what I sent you earlier for probable inclusion. In that I said ‘There is no point in going into detail about what I went through, because it is my experience and no other’s will be the same’. I know only too well, from yesterday’s experience, that ‘I’ will seize on absolutely anything to attempt survival. In my case ‘Í’ used a lot of the things you had written – even tried to make a Guru out of you at several points! It seems to me, it would be unhelpful to others to go into too much detail, although some information is obviously very valuable – I doubt I would be here, this soon, without having read your journals. Do you agree with my statement and do you have any comments on what I have included?

I have finished reading your journals. As you are aware they have been of great assistance to me and, I am sure, will also be to many others. I like your style of writing a bit about what is actually going on, then going on from there – I intend to plagiarize without any qualms – after all, there is no one here to feel qualms! I now understand some of your references, in our conversation on Sunday morning. I am encouraged by your Article 30. As I said to you, I consider the logical outcome of actual freedom to be communal living. I seem to have been lucky to have had very few sexual hang-ups, or to have got rid of many over the years – maybe it was reading ‘Stranger In A Strange Land’ at a young enough age. I cannot comprehend how someone would opt for Love, after being here and, more especially living with you for 11 years. Does this mean you now consider actual freedom to be revocable?

Driving back from a meeting tonight, a trace of concern floated through my mind – who is feeling that concern?

‘I’ still lurk here somewhere – let the second battle commence!

I have to think of a good way to finish off letters now ‘love & light’ (which I was inclined to use before, if a little hesitantly) has ceased to have any meaning.

May 12 1998

RICHARD: It is some time since I have written ... and I have no intention of making excuses for not having written sooner. Your output is prodigious because so much is happening for you, and I will not pretend for a moment that I can keep up with you or match your words. I appreciate it that you write so much and so well ... I have often wished that I had written about my weird experiences back in 1981 as they were happening. I cannot remember even one percent of them ... the mind races with all kinds of bizarre thoughts and one would have to be a speed typist to keep up with them.

This is such an exciting and thrilling time to be going through this experience of becoming free of the Human Condition ... all manner of uncanny thoughts and experiences can and do occur. It is all par for the course ... and the adventure of a lifetime. I thoroughly enjoyed every moment of whatever happened to me – even then – but certainly now with hindsight. It is such a marvel to be alive and to be able to be partaking in such an escapade ... and there is so much more to come.

I will go back through your last three E-Mails so as to catch up to where you are at now.

ALAN: It is important at this stage to be extra vigilant. ‘I’ is making some desperate attempts to maintain ‘his’ existence. This morning I have been through ‘See you haven’t made it at all’, sudden panic attacks and waves of tiredness. I am aware it is only ‘me’ panicking and thinking this and I remain unaffected. I keep contemplating ‘What am I experiencing at this moment of being alive?’ and I continue to drift in and out of PCE’s.

RICHARD: If you look carefully at a panic attack you will see that they go nowhere. Nothing happens other than the panic – which can climb to a crescendo – but if one stays doing whatever is the normal thing to do at this time of the day, nothing untoward will occur. I became very adept at handling panic attacks – however unpleasant – by doing nothing about them whatsoever. They were simply a nuisance and did not mean anything intrinsic at all ... though one can hang them onto whatever one wishes to at the time and get into all of a sweat about nothing at all. They eventually pass if left to their own devices ... it pays not to feed them with any fuel whatsoever. Doubt is the biggest enemy to face. It is helpful to remember that doubt is a feeling and not a fact. Bear in mind the quality of your numerous PCE’s and just know that if this is what one must go through to be free of the Human Condition ... then so be it. It is all stupid, I know, but so is war and murder and rape and torture and domestic violence and sadness and loneliness and grief and depression and suicide. This is the situation we humans find ourselves in and it is not necessarily a breeze to get out of it. If it were, no doubt many people would have done it before, eh?

Waves of tiredness I can relate to too. My current companion is experiencing much, much tiredness at this period and dozes off at odd moments for ten to twenty minutes or so ... despite having a full night’s sleep. It is all very strange – and will become even stranger – but it is all okay ... in a peculiar sort of way. A sense of humour is an admirable asset in these situations!

ALAN: ‘I’ just asked ‘What are you going to do now – you’ve lost it. I face ‘my’ fears with ‘I will continue to contemplate my pure consciousness experiences. If necessary I will read Richard’s journal again. I will undoubtedly do so anyway. If that does not work, I will go and live with Richard for 6 months or however long it takes. I am absolutely determined to continue no matter what it takes and no matter what ‘I’ brings up’. I look on these attacks as very positive. Every time one is rebuffed ‘my’ arsenal becomes more and more depleted. ‘I’ am becoming less and less. Beware of putting an effort into fighting these attacks – guess who is making the effort – ‘I’ am. As well as writing all these things down, as they occur, I am finding that physical activity is of assistance.

RICHARD: Yes, physical activity – doing the normal day-to-day things – will help to keep one grounded here and now ... which is where one want to be anyway. I like your determination; your saying about living in Australia is an indication to me of your intent to go all the way. This is what is important: to have an actual freedom as one’s number one priority in life. Byron Bay is an exquisite place to live anyway ... Peter and Vineeto have a flat just three minutes walk away and we often meet here in my lounge-room of an evening ... and anyone else who is vitally interested in life, the universe and what it is to be a human being. Such people are pretty thin on the ground though.

ALAN: It is cold sweats, feeling sick, feeling dizzy, tiredness, heart palpitations and as for my head, I can’t even begin to explain what is going on in there. And yet at the same time, there is still a sense of calm somehow. It would be very easy to give up, but having come this far I am determined to continue. ‘I’ says ‘give this struggle up for now, you can always get it back again’. ‘I’ says ‘You are making all this up, because you think it is the symptoms you should have. You are inventing something you think you have to go through, just because of what Richard said and went through. You are just doing it to impress him.’ That is very, very cunning. ‘I’ wish ‘I’ had never heard of Richard. By early evening I have to go and lie down. My heart is thumping, my stomach is churning, my head is spinning. I think ‘Maybe I am physically ill’, ‘This is all just a show – what a Prima Donna you are’.

RICHARD: Yes ... the expression I used to express my histrionics at the time was ‘Drama Queen’. It is amazing just what comes up ... this is the utter madness of the Human Condition that is normally repressed by all and sundry. Not many people wish to look at and experience what lurks below the surface. At one stage I can remember that I couldn’t eat anything other than yoghurt – for about three weeks I think – until I woke up to myself and realised it was all a drama to impress myself that something serious was happening. Oh, my word, bizarre stuff, and quite a hoot in retrospect ... rather funny at the time too, actually, although everything was perceived as potentially life-threatening. It is a peculiar business, being a human being. And many are the people who wish they had never listened to Richard. As I have said before – and will say again and again – it is not for the faint of heart or the weak of knee. It requires nerves of steel to become free ... but the reward is worth anything one endures psychologically. It is all a – very real – play in the psyche. None of it is actual.

ALAN: It is strange how it is possible to go about the necessary tasks and get things done. Is it that ‘we’ have decided to call a truce until an appropriate time or is it all a load of rubbish ‘I’ am making up.

RICHARD: This is where one starts to realise that it is all a grand drama one has to play out in order to be here. Of course, you will go through moments of sitting on the couch thinking ‘nothing’s happening ... have I lost it?’ Then, a day or two later, when all hell has broken loose one thinks wistfully of that time sitting on the couch with nothing happening! It’s all okay, no matter how wacky. It is important to never translate one’s thoughts into action. Keep your behaviour as near normal as possible so as to not attract attention. Keep your hands in your pockets and let the thoughts race.

ALAN: There was also an interval of spasms/ retching/ grunting, I am not sure when that occurred – that is the best I can describe it – seeming to come from the pit of the stomach, upwards in completely wrenching bursts. It was like a splitting, which was also in the head. I wish I had been able to write more down at the time, as I cannot now recall all that happened or the sequence of events. Feelings of dread, thinking ‘this is what it is like to be dead’, at one point a little girls voice saying ‘so now you are dead’. And permeating it all was an immense doubt as to whether it was ‘real’, was it all made up because it was what I thought I should be going through. At one stage there was a profound plea to give it up, I could not take anymore – not of the process, but of this doubt as to whether it was ‘real’ – a silent scream of – Please, I don’t know if this all means anything or not.

RICHARD: Dread ... yes. Existential angst, I called it. A terrible sense of foreboding ... however, just like the panic attacks, nothing untoward happens. There is just dread. I once sat with dread for three days and nights until it wore itself out ... it packed its bags and went out the door – presumably to find a more susceptible host – never to return again. Just watch the seven o’clock news whenever you have doubts about the sensibility of what is going on for you. See what real people are doing in the real world – it is horrific – and you will continue on your course to freedom with renewed enthusiasm. As for the retching, it is the nausea induced by the sickness of the Human Condition. Just about everything horribly imaginable has been done by human beings to their fellow human beings somewhere and at sometime on this otherwise perfect planet that we all share. Grasp your courage in both hands and proceed post-haste ... all will be well, for you are living in a perfect universe.

ALAN: I have started putting bits together, for inclusion in your web site and wrote what I sent you earlier for probable inclusion. In that I said ‘There is no point in going into detail about what I went through, because it is my experience and no other’s will be the same’. I know only too well, from yesterday’s experience, that ‘I’ will seize on absolutely anything to attempt survival. In my case ‘I’ used a lot of the things you had written – even tried to make a Guru out of you at several points! It seems to me, it would be unhelpful to others to go into too much detail, although some information is obviously very valuable – I doubt I would be here, this soon, without having read your journals. Do you agree with my statement and do you have any comments on what I have included?

RICHARD: Yes, I agree unreservedly. Write whatever you can whenever you can according to what you consider is important. It is not up to me to decide ... this is your experience and I consider it a privilege that you are so willing to share it with me ... and anyone else who is interested. Feel free to ‘make a Guru out of me’ ... or whatever. It will not work, for it takes two to tango and I will continue to be Richard no matter what you do! We can always sort out afterwards what writing to include or exclude.

ALAN: I have finished reading your journal. As you are aware it has been of great assistance to me and, I am sure, will also be to many others. I like your style of writing a bit about what is actually going on, then going on from there – I intend to plagiarize without any qualms – after all, there is no one here to feel qualms! I now understand some of your references, in our conversation on Sunday morning. I am encouraged by your Article 30.

RICHARD: Plagiarise to your heart’s content ... I am only too happy for someone to become free. I am not out to make bags of money ... I have a good pension to live on anyway. Article 30 sort of says it all, I guess, and I am glad that you gain ‘great assistance’ from it all for it took me ages to write. I always wanted something myself, like The Journal, when I was going through my stuff and vowed to put whatever I could in writing simply so that it existed in the world for anyone else to get whatever they needed out of it. Also, it was fun to do.

ALAN: I cannot comprehend how someone would opt for Love, after being here and, more especially living with you for 11 years. Does this mean you now consider actual freedom to be revocable?

RICHARD: No, not at all. Actual freedom is irrevocable ... she was never actually free. She lived in what I call ‘virtual freedom’ and she always knew that she was vulnerable to whatever the instincts could throw up. Love is insidious, and maybe especially so for a woman. However, all is not lost ... it may very well be a phase she is going through and will come to her senses at any time. My current companion and she have been meeting often to discuss matters and who knows what will eventuate? Life is indeed an adventure.

ALAN: ‘I’ still lurk here somewhere – let the second battle commence!

Yea verily ... ain’t life great?