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Richard’s Correspondence On The Actual Freedom Mailing List With Gary
Continued from Mailing List ‘B’ (No. 37) GARY: Yesterday I had the first really clear and unequivocal PCE since starting with this ... previously, I had had what I call ‘mini-PCE’s’. They lasted only very brief periods of time, say an hour or so, and I wasn’t really sure it was a PCE. Yesterday, however, I had no doubt at all about the experience, as it accorded in all details with what I have read about PCE’s ... I had some trouble at work ... some old fears of mine concerning work, authority, success, etc. came up for me. I found myself in some turmoil about these issues and, investigating deeper into it, I once again saw the futility of a feeling-based life, a so-called ‘normal’ life of sorrow, malice, nurture, and desire ... I wrote in my journal to myself what I would do to bring about peace-on-earth, for myself and others. A little later, I sat in my chair and was still for quite awhile. The PCE experience started there and continued for the rest of the day, at times most vividly, at other times diminishing somewhat, but always lustrous, vibrant, and rich. One of the things I noticed most strongly was the intensity of sensation – the clearness and brilliance of colours, and the ability to hear every little sound around me ... at a gravel pit ... I saw a stone popping out of the ground that had some interesting features to it. I ran my hand along the exposed top of it and it felt to be alive. Similarly, the texture and surface of the stone appeared to be actually a living thing. It reminded me of psychedelic drug experiences I had when I was younger, except that it was natural and uncontaminated by any emotions of fright, fear, doubt, etc. Later on we went to the supermarket to do the week’s shopping. Another thing I noticed about the experience was how any object, even the most ordinary and mundane, instantly had become amazingly interesting and wonderful to look at. Everything I looked at had a life of its own. Everything appeared fresh and new. Everywhere I looked there were sensual delights to behold. Another thing was that there was some kind of very pleasurable sensation located near the solar plexus region. I find this difficult to convey but it was a very satisfying visceral sensation. I shall have to, in future, see what I can notice about it ... I found that I could refresh the experience by running the ‘How am I ...’. question and by increased attentiveness to the feelings that contaminated the experience. A couple of times, the experience would come back in full bloom in all its’ lustrousness. The PCE stands out in such dramatic contrast to ordinary, every-day perception and sensation ... another key feature of the experience – no affective element, no feelings, no disturbance whatsoever – there was nothing that could disturb the experience, take anything away from it, or detract from it. In other words, there was no feeling ‘me’ to spoil the experience. How amazing. RICHARD: Yes ... ‘how amazing’ indeed, eh? I am particularly pleased to see you say that you had a ‘clear and unequivocal PCE’ as, of course, I have no way of ascertaining the intrinsic quality of what any body experiences other than what they describe – and I have no intention of setting myself up to be to arbiter of another’s experience anyway – so I cannot adjudge the exact nature of what you experienced. The rule of thumb is to ask oneself: is this it; is this the ultimate; is this the utter fulfilment and total contentment; is this my destiny; is this how I would want to live for the remainder of my life ... and so on. It is up to each and every person to decide for themselves what it is that they want ... as I oft-times say: it is your life you are living and only you get to reap the rewards and pay the consequences for any action or inaction you may or may not do. When I first started writing on the internet I tended towards saying things like ‘I find your description to be an accurate portrayal of what I have been calling a peak experience’ and ‘going by what you have written I have no doubt that your experience is a PCE’ and so on, as it was important to both establish a common basis for discussion and to build up a data-base of differing people’s descriptions for others to read and draw affirmation and confirmation from. Yet herein lay a catch-22 that became increasingly obvious as more and more people reported their experience ... I was, by default, setting myself up to be to arbiter of another’s experience by (a) my words of corroboration or negation ... or (b) by the inclusion of their description in or the exclusion of their description from the data-base! I am finding these things out as I go along and I am left with no alternative but to devise a stock-standard disclaimer such as this: I am simply reporting my experience and it is entirely up to the other to do with it what they will ... and I stress that it is the pure consciousness experience (PCE) that is one’s guiding light – one’s authority or one’s teacher – and not me or my description of a PCE. The evidence of human history demonstrates that there is a distinct possibility that things can go awry wherever the human psyche is being subjectively investigated. Yet there are some notable people (or notorious people) in this field of endeavour who have rashly promised that they will take care of everything if only the person investigating will believe them and/or have faith in them and/or trust them and/or surrender to them and/or obey them ... and so on. And there are more than a few of these gullible persons currently occupying places in psychiatric wards as a direct result ... and the person who promised to ‘take care of everything’ is remarkably unforthcoming (it is counsellors and therapists and psychologists and psychiatrists who have to pick up the pieces). I cannot save anybody at all. Having said that, and I am not inferring anything either way by what I am writing here, it may or
may not be relevant to report that one must be most particular to not confuse an excellence experience with a perfection experience ... and the
most outstanding distinction in the excellence experience is the marked absence of what I call the ‘magical’ element. This is where time has no
duration as the normal ‘now’ and ‘then’ and space has no distance as the normal ‘here’ and ‘there’ and form has no distinction as
the normal ‘was’ and ‘will be’ ... there is only this moment in eternal time at this place in infinite space as this flesh and blood body
being apperceptively aware (a three hundred and sixty degree awareness, as it were). Everything and everyone is transparently and sparklingly
obvious, up-front and out-in-the open ... there is nowhere to hide and no reason to hide as there is no ‘me’ to hide. One is totally exposed
and open to the universe: already always just here right now ... actually in time and actually in space as actual form. This apperception In a PCE one is fully immersed in the infinitude of this fairy-tale-like actual world with its sensuous quality of magical perfection and purity where everything and everyone has a lustre, a brilliance, a vividness, an intensity and a marvellous, wondrous, scintillating vitality that makes everything alive and sparkling ... even the very earth beneath one’s feet. The rocks, the concrete buildings, a piece of paper ... literally everything is as if it were alive (a rock is not, of course, alive as humans are, or as animals are, or as trees are). This ‘aliveness’ is the very actuality of all existence – the actualness of everything and everyone – for one is not living in an inert universe. It is one’s destiny to be living the utter peace of the perfection of the purity welling endlessly as the infinitude this eternal, infinite and perpetual universe actually is.
GARY: To be living in a condition in which the physical world and everything in it appears to be wondrously alive, newly born, and remarkably vivid, bright, and clean, does indeed impress me as the ultimate. In such a condition, there is immense satisfaction with simply being alive, present in this world at this moment in time. RICHARD: Yes, simply being here, right now as this flesh and blood body, is all the satisfaction and fulfilment one could ever want ... yet one gets to do things, from time to time, as a bonus on top of all this! GARY: There is no sense of threat, nor does it seem such could arise. RICHARD: An utter safety such that ‘I’ can never find ... one is truly living in benevolent universe. GARY: In the so-called ‘normal’ condition, fear, dread, or a sense of being threatened, never seems far around the corner. RICHARD: Yes, life in the real-world – the ‘Land of Lament’ – is where tears shed and blood spilt are the norm. GARY: In contrast, in this condition, there was a fascinated and intense absorption in the world of people and things, a sense of moving towards rather than moving away. RICHARD: A ‘fascinated intense absorption’ , as in an actual intimacy, which leaves both rejection and its antidote acceptance far behind in the world of idealism? GARY: The only thing that would be more ultimate would be to be living this experience continually and irrevocably. RICHARD: Yes. * RICHARD: When I first started writing on the internet I tended towards saying things like ‘I find your description to be an accurate portrayal of what I have been calling a peak experience’ and ‘going by what you have written I have no doubt that your experience is a PCE’ and so on, as it was important to both establish a common basis for discussion and to build up a data-base of differing people’s descriptions for others to read and draw affirmation and confirmation from. Yet herein lay a catch-22 that became increasingly obvious as more and more people reported their experience ... I was, by default, setting myself up to be to arbiter of another’s experience by (a) my words of corroboration or negation ... or (b) by the inclusion of their description in or the exclusion of their description from the data-base! GARY: Yes, particularly since on my part there has been some confusion on account of the terminology, some lack of clarity about the difference between the so-called peak experience and the PCE and, now, what is described as an excellence experience ... RICHARD: Writing on mailing lists has been beneficial for me in that feedback made me aware that I had to get my act together over precise terminology ... I was straddling two eras, as it were, and had never realised that the term ‘peak experience’, as made popular by Mr. Abraham Maslow, was so loaded with the metaphysical content it has (I had mixed and mingled the phrases). As for this term ‘excellence experience’, it is being suggested to represent the penultimate ... the best of what can be experienced, in what is termed ‘virtual freedom’, wherein ‘I’ am so thinly in existence ‘I’ am virtually not there. I use the word ‘virtual’ deliberately (it has nothing to do with the virtual reality of cyber-space) as ‘virtual’ means ‘almost as good as’ or ‘nearly the same as’ or ‘in effect comparable to’ and so on. This is because it is humanly possible to thoroughly improve one’s lot in life, before the ultimate happens, wherein one lives in a well-earned happy and harmless way 99% of the time ... and which is streets ahead of normal human expectations.
GARY: ... it is good that you are not lending affirmance in order to establish the validity of these conditions. One needs to ‘see for themselves’ what is up by comparing the experience with what is written and by talking to others. RICHARD: These words are music to my ears. * RICHARD: I am finding these things out as I go along and I am left with no alternative but to devise a stock-standard disclaimer such as this: I am simply reporting my experience and it is entirely up to the other to do with it what they will ... and I stress that it is the pure consciousness experience (PCE) that is one’s guiding light – one’s authority or one’s teacher – and not me or my description of a PCE. GARY: Yes, with the PCE as one’s teacher, one has the very finest there is, an experience in which nothing is lacking and nothing can be added. It is already always here, awaiting discovery by those rudely bold enough to leave the Tried and True teachings of religion, ethicality, and morality behind. RICHARD: And, what is more, it is one’s own experience wherein believing or taking on faith the words of another plays no part whatsoever. One’s own PCE demonstrably shows what is possible. It is both lode-stone and benchmark ... a point of reference upon which all terms of reference can be reliably and confidently sourced. GARY: As I understand these things, in the PCE there is the danger of an incipient ‘I’ stepping in and claiming the credit for the experience. ‘I’ want the experience to last, ‘I’ am sad to see it dimmer and fade away, hence, ‘I’ take centre stage and send the experience packing. RICHARD: Yes and no ... the PCE is a temporary experience, when all is said and done, and it is unavoidable ‘I’ will reappear. There is more danger in ‘me’ stepping in as ‘Me’ (aggrandising the experience) with predictable results ... and then one will indeed be following in Richard’s footsteps (I always chuckle when certain people claim that anyone interested in actualism are followers of Richard). GARY: What is it about the PCE that holds the ‘me’ in abeyance? RICHARD: It is a two-way street ... it is both the perfection of the universe, as evidenced in the PCE, and the sincerity of ‘me’, as is evidenced by the PCE occurring, which does the trick. This universe has a built-in propensity for the best to emerge, so it is inevitable that the best will happen ... given ‘my’ concurrence. We do not live in an inert universe. GARY: Is it correct to say that ‘I’ am in abeyance during the PCE? RICHARD: That was the word that occurred to me to describe the experience ... ‘suspended’, maybe (as in ‘the operation has been suspended until further notice’)? GARY: Or is it more accurate to say that ‘I’ have vacated the scene completely and totally? RICHARD: Oh, yes, there is a marked absence of ‘me’ during the experience ... perhaps it is more correct to say that it is after the experience, when ‘I’ reappear, that in hindsight it becomes obvious that ‘I’ was in abeyance? GARY: What causes ‘me’ to return? RICHARD: Because ‘I’ have a job to do: ‘I’ am going to make the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for this body and that body and every body ... for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. It is ‘my’ moment of glory. It is ‘my’ crowning achievement ... it makes ‘my’ petty life all worth while. It is not an event to be missed ... to physically die without having experienced what it is like to become dead is such a waste of a life. * RICHARD: The most outstanding distinction in the excellence experience is the marked absence of what I call the ‘magical’ element ... in a PCE one is fully immersed in the infinitude of this fairy-tale-like actual world with its sensuous quality of magical perfection and purity where everything and everyone has a lustre, a brilliance, a vividness, an intensity and a marvellous, wondrous, scintillating vitality that makes everything alive and sparkling ... even the very earth beneath one’s feet. The rocks, the concrete buildings, a piece of paper ... literally everything is as if it were alive (a rock is not, of course, alive as humans are, or as animals are, or as trees are). This ‘aliveness’ is the very actuality of all existence – the actualness of everything and everyone – for one is not living in an inert universe. GARY: In hindsight, the description of the PCE fits the bill, with the magical, fairy-tale like quality. The excellence experience may be more common to me lately that I hitherto thought. In the excellence experience, there is a commonness to it not found in the PCE. RICHARD: Ahh ... good, I am pleased to have feedback that shows this to be a facet of experiencing that more than just a few people have so far reported. It all helps to clarify and aided communication. GARY: In the PCE, there is a clear sense that something of momentous importance is happening, at least it seemed that way for me. RICHARD: Excellent ... words conveying what ‘momentous importance’ conveys are words such as what I look for in a description, for it is no little thing what one does/what we are doing. What is conveyed is what impelled ‘me’, all those years ago, into proceeding with the utmost dispatch so as to enable peace-on-earth sooner rather than later ... so much so that when the going got rocky, from time to time, when ‘I’ put ‘my’ foot on the brake pedal in order to slow the process down the pedal went straight to the floor. ‘I’ was on the ride of a life-time. GARY: The excellence experience, if not labelled such, might seem to be an experience of exceptional clarity and lucidity. With the PCE, words like bounteousness, bursting, pouring forth, vibrant, clear, alive, animate, come to mind. RICHARD: The words ‘exceptional clarity and lucidity’ strikes me as being a very good description of the distinction when compared with ‘bounteousness, bursting, pouring forth’ and so on as I am swimming in largesse. GARY: One of the things that was most striking about it was how uncommon everything appeared, how rich and variegated everything was. RICHARD: Yes, I took particular note of your depiction of the stone in the gravel pit: sometimes peoples have looked at me in shock when I wax eloquent about actual intimacy with a stone, a brick, a glass ashtray, a polystyrene cup and so on, but I just tell them that I am officially mad and/or that I am a war veteran and they, presumably, go away content that all has been thus satisfactorily explained. It is great that you are here for your input from all your posts is invaluable.
GARY: As I understand these things, in the PCE there is the danger of an incipient ‘I’ stepping in and claiming the credit for the experience. ‘I’ want the experience to last, ‘I’ am sad to see it dimmer and fade away, hence, ‘I’ take centre stage and send the experience packing. RICHARD: Yes and no ... the PCE is a temporary experience, when all is said and done, and it is unavoidable ‘I’ will reappear. There is more danger in ‘me’ stepping in as ‘Me’ (aggrandising the experience) with predictable results ... and then one will indeed be following in Richard’s footsteps (I always chuckle when certain people claim that anyone interested in actualism are followers of Richard). GARY: Then this is the danger of the PCE turning into the Altered State of Consciousness? This ‘aggrandizing the experience’ must be extremely subtle then? RICHARD: No, it is not subtle at all ... one is glorified by virtue of being specially chosen and the simple perfection of the PCE is humbly overlooked/discarded/scorned/dismissed. This is indicated in both my own experience and the experience of some other people whom I have spoken with over many years ... ‘Article 36’ in ‘Richard’s Journal’ describes a particularly salutary example of this propensity. Not for nothing do I describe the only danger on the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition as being that one may become enlightened (or seduced into wanting to become enlightened). I kid you not. GARY: What I understand to happen when this occurs is something like the following: the PCE is such a dramatic change from ‘normal’, everyday reality, that when it occurs, one loses all anchorage to the familiar, the cherished, with the resultant fear that one is ‘losing one’s marbles’, going insane. While it is a highly peaceful, pleasurable state, there also lurks the fear of the incipient ‘me’ that is on the verge of destruction, extinction. RICHARD: Yes, at root fear is the most basic of all the instinctual survival passions. GARY: This ‘me’ steps in and becomes ‘Me’, with his or her divine mission to carry the message, and this occurs because this is how all the gurus and God-men/women down through history have interpreted the experience. RICHARD: Yes, fear is atavistic. GARY: I am reminded of the experiences of Jacob Boehme, a 17th century Christian mystic, whose writings I formerly had an interest in, chiefly because he represented the Western stream of mysticism and I could relate to that more than the teachings of the East. It appears that what happened to him is an illustration of this process whereby the ‘me’ becomes the ‘Me’. I include it as an example of the process ...<snip>... ‘The mystery of Boehme is found elsewhere: in his experiences of ‘illumination’. At the age of twenty-five, he had a revelation that was the basis for all his subsequent work: while gazing at the brightness of a pewter vase, he felt himself suddenly engulfed by an extraordinary flow of information about the hidden nature of things. This data was incomprehensible to him at first, and he waited twelve years to understand what had been ‘given’ to him in that unforgettable moment. In our day, a person undergoing such an experience would immediately found a group of disciples and start giving lectures and writing best sellers. But Boehme waited twelve years, in almost total silence, in order to analyse, decipher, and explain what he had ‘seen’ in that moment of grace. Out of this gestation came the magnificent and unique work, The Aurora’. (from Science, Meaning, & Evolution: The Cosmology of Jacob Boehme by Basarab Nicolescu, 1991). It is interesting how automatically such experiences of exceptional clarity and flow of information are treated as ‘revelations’, in the theological sense of the word. This seems to be what happened to Boehme, whether it started out as a PCE or as an ASC, is not entirely clear.RICHARD: In this particular instance from history I would question that it ever was a PCE ... perhaps the following
quote from ‘Behmenist’ and/or ‘Quaker’ sources
Thus the occasion at age twenty five quoted by Mr. Basarab Nicolescu (‘while gazing at the brightness of a pewter vase, he felt himself suddenly engulfed by an extraordinary flow of information about the hidden nature of things’) occurred some time after the ‘field of flowers’ vision with its subsequent seven days of ‘a continual state of ecstasy, surrounded by the light of the Spirit’ euphoric experience ... which vision/experience was unequivocally sought with all his being and which came after years of intense study of Christian scriptures and yearning. Furthermore, the ‘Behmenist’ and/or ‘Quaker’ sourced introduction quoted above explains that it was at the age of thirty five the ‘the divine order of nature’ was opened up to him ... all of which makes Mr. Basarab Nicolescu’s statement (‘at the age of twenty-five, he had a revelation that was the basis for all his subsequent work’) somewhat mistaken if not downright misleading ... even though Mr. Basarab Nicolescu is said to be a ‘Boehme scholar’ on his web page. GARY: And it really doesn’t matter much for all that. But when the ‘me’ steps in and claims a Godly ‘grace’ or singles oneself out as being the special recipient of favour by a benevolent God or Goddess, then the process of ‘me’ becoming ‘Me’ is ensured. This seems to be what has happened to people throughout the ages. RICHARD: Yes ... again it is atavism – mainly atavistic fear – whereupon dread flips to its opposite (awe) and which perpetuates the ‘Tried and True’ despite all the evidence that shows it to be the ‘tried and failed’. At root, fear – specifically terror (usually externally sourced) and dread (usually internally sourced) – runs the particular human being and thus rules the human world. GARY: The question at this point is, since this process must be so subtle, so insidious, and probably universal, what is one to watch out for? RICHARD: Any thought or feeling that stems from a ‘deep’ knowing that one is specially chosen to bring the ‘Peace That Passeth All Understanding’ to earth (a ‘deep’ or ‘profound’ or ‘intuitive’ knowing translates as ‘instinctive knowing’). Whereas earthy, organic peace (peace-on-earth) is already and easily just here – and patently always here right now – as is evidenced by the PCE. GARY: In other words, how does one keep from being seduced by the lure of Self, the lure of ‘Enlightenment’? RICHARD: The purity and perfection of the PCE rekindles one’s naiveté and gives rise to a
pure intent, whereupon sincerity, honesty (being scrupulously honest with oneself), prudence, judiciousness, probity, providence and so on easily
enable integrity Thus showing it to be obvious that worshipping one’s fellow human being – or being worshipped – is ridiculous.
GARY: Richard, it occurred to me awhile ago to ask you about dreams. It really is a very simple matter: do you dream at night? From reading your website, Journal, and correspondence with others, it is clear that the imaginative faculty was eliminated when you underwent the radical mutation which resulted in an Actual Freedom from the Human Condition. I find your comments about the lack of the imaginative faculty to be, well ... honestly, fascinating. After the mutation you experienced, did you notice anything about dreaming at night? I saw a program on TV recently in which dream experiments were being conducted on human subjects, with the object of understanding what happens when human beings dream. An expert on the program opined that dreams originate in the lower, more primitive sections of the brain which sends signals or transmissions into the higher, cortical centres which then get remembered as dreams. The expert also opined that dreams have little significance other than just being random transmission from these deeper emotional parts of the brain. This caused me to consider what happens when the primitive animal instincts are extirpated and eliminated: do dreams then stop completely? RICHARD: As I drop off to sleep at night there is the diminishing awareness of being a flesh and blood body situated in physical surroundings – always delicious – until there is no awareness at all ... whereupon there is the growing awareness of being a flesh and blood body – always delicious – situated in physical surroundings upon awakening a ‘split-second’ later. Upon looking at the bed-side clock I can determine whether I have slept for three or four or five hours ... for there is no other way of knowing: sleep is total oblivion. If there be dreaming occurring during the three, four or five hours I have no awareness of it whatsoever. I sleep like a log, as an old saying goes ... unconscious, unaware and (probably) dreamless. It would take an unusual noise (a window being broken) or an unusual smell (something burning) or an unusual sensation (a creature crawling) to awaken me. Usually upon waking I find that I am lying in the identical position (flat on my back) that I went to sleep in – complete with reading glasses perched on nose and book/magazine held in hands slumped to the belly – indicating no movement at all. It has not always been like this ... I tracked down the dreamer of dreams in the same way as the waking entity is tracked. I used to have horrific nightmares as a child, as a youth and as a young man (which I recall always considering terribly unfair, back in those days, as living in the ‘real-world’ was traumatic enough and night-time repose should be a relief). For all those years both dreams and nightmares were in full-colour imagery (same-same as ‘seeing in my mind’s eye’) with a fully-committed ‘dreamer’ participating helplessly. After the end of the intuitive/ imaginative facility the dreams were ‘word-scenes’ of circumstances or ‘word-descriptions’ of events (no images) with no ‘dreamer’ as a participant ... somewhat akin to arbitrary, or stray thoughts, which sometimes wander around in day-time and are associated with nothing at all. Any examination of the content or meaning of dreams always showed them to be nothing but haphazard, unsystematic thoughts – generally taken from events such as depicted on TV programs or in other media combined with daily experience – all mixed-up and firing erratically ... like pulling items from a ‘lucky-dip’ at a fair. There is nothing to be learned or gained from dreams other than what one wishes to read into them ... the disconcerting part of dreaming is the ad-hoc juxtaposition of seemingly real events happening in a seemingly real world. I also observed that a portion of the ‘dream-scape’ would be drawn from past dreams and making it difficult to discern whether they be drawn from real-life or not. There would also be a mix-up of the ‘dream-people’, with characteristics of one ‘dream-person’ all-of-a-sudden being the characteristics of another ‘dream-person’, or an admixture of the two ... leading to further confusion or perplexity. And so on ... and so on. So I would say that the emotional content (and the imagery itself) of the dream-process is, as the expert on the program you write of opined, originating in ‘the lower, more primitive sections of the brain which sends signals or transmissions into the higher, cortical centres which then get remembered as dreams’ ... but not dreaming per se (night-time arbitrary or stray thoughts). It would be beneficial to compare notes with another like myself so as to distinguish between what is humanly common and what is bodily specific ... the particular genetic arrangement of this individual body as compared to the general genetic arrangement of every human body. But, until then, what I have to report is all that exists so far ... just do not take it as being set in concrete and typical. Nothing I have to say is carved in stone tablets.
GARY: ... what happens when the primitive animal instincts are extirpated and eliminated: do dreams then stop completely? RICHARD: As I drop off to sleep at night there is the diminishing awareness of being a flesh and blood body situated in physical surroundings – always delicious – until there is no awareness at all ... whereupon there is the growing awareness of being a flesh and blood body – always delicious – situated in physical surroundings upon awakening a ‘split-second’ later. Upon looking at the bed-side clock I can determine whether I have slept for three or four or five hours ... for there is no other way of knowing: sleep is total oblivion. If there be dreaming occurring during the three, four or five hours I have no awareness of it whatsoever. GARY: Hmm ... interesting. Your comments are confirmatory of what I suspected: no dreams. This seems to hold true for both the sleeping and waking state. While this post was concerned with your experience of sleep and dreaming, your other correspondence makes it abundantly clear that you do not lucidly dream in the awake state either. RICHARD: As a child, a youth and a young man ‘day-dreaming’ was a common occurrence ... it was a way of having time pass, for example, whilst working for wages in any job that required only mindless repetitive movements to achieve the desired result. Then one day I caught myself looking at the clock and thinking ‘damn, only 2.00 PM; three more hours to go’ and it dawned on me, with upsetting intelligibility, that I was wishing large parts of my life away. Many years were to pass spent in finding better jobs, better locations to live in, better lifestyles and so on before I finally faced the fact that, while changing the physical situation is not to be sneezed at, it was how I experienced this moment that was vital ... only this moment is actual. The question I asked was this: could I be in solitary confinement, in some hypothetical penitentiary, and be so delighted with being just here right now that ‘day-dreaming’ never need occur? * RICHARD: I sleep like a log, as an old saying goes ... unconscious, unaware and (probably) dreamless. It would take an unusual noise (a window being broken) or an unusual smell (something burning) or an unusual sensation (a creature crawling) to awaken me. Usually upon waking I find that I am lying in the identical position (flat on my back) that I went to sleep in – complete with reading glasses perched on nose and book/magazine held in hands slumped to the belly – indicating no movement at all. GARY: Must be nice to sleep like a log ... I should think it would be a welcome development. RICHARD: It required application and diligence, patience and perseverance ... in late 1983 a three week period serendipitously occurred wherein I would drop off to sleep only to wake up a ‘split-second later’ as already described (further above) and I was determined to have this as an on-going event. That intent has paid off handsomely. * RICHARD: It has not always been like this ... I tracked down the dreamer of dreams in the same way as the waking entity is tracked. GARY: Interesting expression – tracking down the dreamer of dreams in the same way as the waking entity is tracked. Is this the same thing as ‘chasing a dream’? RICHARD: Not the same as ‘chasing a dream’, no ... I mean ‘tracking down’ in its literal sense of tracing the tracks, following the trail, until one comes upon the creature itself. The human mind has the amazing ability to not only be conscious of what it is doing ... but to simultaneously be aware that it is being conscious of what it is doing. To enable this to operate in the dreaming state required ‘coming to’ whilst sleeping sufficient to be cognizant that there was dreaming occurring and ‘dropping back’ into the dreaming with conscious awareness that there was dreaming happening. Some years later I read that this process is called ‘lucid dreaming’ ... wherein one is no longer taking the dream to be real-life. One is no longer only a helpless participant for there is this amazing alibility of the brain to be aware that it is being conscious of what it is doing, concurrent to being conscious of what it is doing, in the dream-state as well as in the waking-state. This is where it all becomes fun. GARY: I gave some thought as to whether I am ‘tracking’ the waking entity, and I think I am. I seem to go over the same emotions over and over again and the same repetitive thoughts until I give up the chase and relax, often to but take up the tracking the next day. RICHARD: If it be not fun to track oneself in all of one’s doings then one might as well ‘give up the chase and relax’ ... however what you describe as a modus operandi does not make sense to me (‘go over the same emotions over and over again and the same repetitive thoughts until I give up the chase and relax’). To need to (and to be able to) ‘relax’ means there must be tension in the first place to relax from ... thus the tracking down has changed from tracking down the ‘same emotions’ or the ‘same repetitive thoughts’ to tracking down the tension ... and you did not notice that the game had changed horses in mid-stream. The need to ‘relax’ is a flashing red light that the game-play has changed: ‘when did this tension start?’; how did this tension begin?’; ‘what was the event that initiated this tension?’; ‘what were the feelings at the time?’; ‘what was the thought associated with that feeling?’ ... and so on. Usually one has only to track back a few minutes or a few hours ... yesterday afternoon at the most. Then one is free from both the tension and the ‘Tried and True’ cure of ‘relax’. Speaking personally, I never relaxed in all those years of application and diligence, patience and perseverance ... upon exposure to the bright light of awareness the tension always disappeared. * RICHARD: I used to have horrific nightmares as a child, as a youth and as a young man (which I recall always considering terribly unfair, back in those days, as living in the ‘real-world’ was traumatic enough and night-time repose should be a relief). For all those years both dreams and nightmares were in full-colour imagery (same-same as ‘seeing in my mind’s eye’) with a fully-committed ‘dreamer’ participating helplessly. After the end of the intuitive/imaginative facility the dreams were ‘word-scenes’ of circumstances or ‘word-descriptions’ of events (no images) with no ‘dreamer’ as a participant ... somewhat akin to arbitrary, or stray thoughts, which sometimes wander around in day-time and are associated with nothing at all. GARY: I think your pre-self-immolation description of your dream life fits in more with my own experience, both in past and now. My nights are always extremely ‘busy’. I often awake feeling that I have not had enough rest – I seem to sleep very fitfully, and dream sporadically throughout the night, sometimes having nightmares. I also sometimes experience what is called ‘terminal insomnia’ – in that I awake very early in the morning and can’t get back to sleep. I usually just get up and get busy, but then by the end of the day I feel exhausted by the lack of sleep. Many people would go to their doctor and get some kind of medication to help them sleep, but I do not want to be on any medication at all. This terminal insomnia thing is not as bad as it used to be right now. Recently, about a week ago or so, I had awoken having had extremely vivid dreams that were very fresh in my mind. This, and other things, made me wonder what happens when the primitive instincts are eliminated. RICHARD: Okay ... to sum up, then, my experience shows that both the imaging and the emotional content disappears but not necessarily the arbitrary and stray thought. To this very day there sometimes is, upon waking, a vagrant thought aimlessly occurring just as during the waking hours there sometimes is the sporadic wandering around of a meaningless thought. But in the main there is nothing going on at all ... let alone any ‘busyness’. * RICHARD: Any examination of the content or meaning of dreams always showed them to be nothing but haphazard, unsystematic thoughts – generally taken from events such as depicted on TV programs or in other media combined with daily experience – all mixed-up and firing erratically ... like pulling items from a ‘lucky-dip’ at a fair. There is nothing to be learned or gained from dreams other than what one wishes to read into them ... the disconcerting part of dreaming is the ad-hoc juxtaposition of seemingly real events happening in a seemingly real world. I also observed that a portion of the ‘dream-scape’ would be drawn from past dreams and making it difficult to discern whether they be drawn from real-life or not. There would also be a mix-up of the ‘dream-people’, with characteristics of one ‘dream-person’ all-of-a-sudden being the characteristics of another ‘dream-person’, or an admixture of the two ... leading to further confusion or perplexity. And so on ... and so on. GARY: Yes, I now think dreams are just random events representing nothing in particular. The content of dreams often concerns real life events, but is woven together willy-nilly with many other things that don’t make sense. I had been conditioned to think that there is some value in dreams in promoting self-understanding but I no longer waste my time trying to figure them out or make sense of them. I do think, however, that the emotional content of dreams often leaves a person in a particular emotional state either while dreaming or right after dreaming – for instance, I have awoken feeling terrified and the feeling has persisted for awhile, colouring what happens next during the day. I have also had dreams with a lot of sexual content that leave me in a state of sexual arousal when I wake up, unusual for me as I have inhibited sexual desire. RICHARD: What you say here is of vital import: ‘the emotional content of dreams often leaves a person in a particular emotional state ... colouring what happens next during the day’. If for no other reason (such as getting a good night’s rest) the dreamer of dreams is well worth tracking for this reason alone. For not to do so is to start each day with an unnecessary handicap. * RICHARD: So I would say that the emotional content (and the imagery itself) of the dream-process is, as the expert on the program you write of opined, originating in ‘the lower, more primitive sections of the brain which sends signals or transmissions into the higher, cortical centres which then get remembered as dreams’ ... but not dreaming per se (night-time arbitrary or stray thoughts). It would be beneficial to compare notes with another like myself so as to distinguish between what is humanly common and what is bodily specific ... the particular genetic arrangement of this individual body as compared to the general genetic arrangement of every human body. But, until then, what I have to report is all that exists so far ... just do not take it as being set in concrete and typical. GARY: Dreaming per se you describe as night-time arbitrary or stray thoughts. Do you mean arbitrary or stray thoughts devoid of emotional content or devoid of emotional impact’? RICHARD: Both ... but in the beginning of one’s investigation to be free of the ‘emotional impact’ is a major achievement by any standard. GARY: I often find myself thinking at night about, for instance, a particularly vexing problem at work. But usually there is an underlying anxiety about the matter in question, so that the arbitrary thoughts about the situation are emotionally charged. RICHARD: Try shifting from thinking about the ‘vexing problem at work’ to being with the ‘underlying anxiety’ ... then when the ‘underlying anxiety’ vanishes through exposure to the bright light of awareness the thinking about the ‘vexing problem at work’ will have changed to thinking about the ‘problem at work’. The human brain is a great problem solver ... it is what it excels in doing when not crippled before it starts. GARY: It’s a lot like night-time worrying. But it occurs more or less in a sleeping or semi-sleeping state. But I do see that this is different from the Technicolor dreaming with visual imagery. RICHARD: The issue of ‘worrying’ is a subject in its own right: sufficient for the purpose here is to say that ‘worrying’ never achieves anything other than to make ‘me’ feel that ‘I’ am needed ... and that ‘I’ care deeply. * RICHARD: Nothing I have to say is carved in stone tablets. GARY: That’s good to hear. RICHARD: There are those who do not hear it.
GARY: Richard, I was a little confused by your use of the word ‘confidence’ in a recent post. You had posted a snippet of something you wrote previously in which the following sentence was contained: [quote] ‘... surely, one can have confidence in a universe so grandly complex, so marvellously intricate, so wonderfully excellent’. (page 138, Article 21: ‘It Is Impossible To Combat The Wisdom Of The Real World’; ‘Richard’s Journal’; ©1997 The Actual Freedom Trust). [endquote]. I was wondering about ‘confidence’. From Word Net, I see that confidence has several meanings. The noun ‘confidence’ has 5 senses in WordNet: [quote] 1. assurance, self-assurance, confidence, self-confidence, authority, sureness – (freedom from doubt; belief in yourself and your abilities; ‘his assurance in his superiority did not make him popular’; ‘after that failure he lost his confidence’; ‘she spoke with authority’). 2. confidence – (a feeling of trust (in someone or something); ‘I have confidence in our team’; ‘confidence is always borrowed, never owned’). 3. confidence – (a state of confident hopefulness that events will be favourable; ‘public confidence in the economy’). 4. confidence, trust – (a trustful relationship; ‘he took me into his confidence’; ‘he betrayed their trust’). 5. confidence – (a secret that is confided or entrusted to another; ‘everyone trusted him with their confidences’; ‘the priest could not reveal her confidences’). [endquote]. None of these meanings exactly fits with what you have said elsewhere regarding trust, hope, and feelings. RICHARD: Perhaps this will help? Viz.:
GARY: The only thing I can see is confidence in it’s sense of No. 1 (above) meaning sureness. One can be sure of a universe so complex and intricate because anyone with a rudimentary knowledge and understanding of science can read of recent discoveries about the nature of the universe and what is revealed of it’s vastness, intricateness, and complexity. I can be sure that these things are there because thousands, perhaps millions, of perceptive people have observed these things first hand. I do not need to climb aboard a space ship and travel throughout the universe to apprehend ‘a universe so grandly complex, so marvellously intricate, so wonderfully excellent’. This information is contained in elementary science texts the world over. RICHARD: Yes, sureness, or surety, provides certainty – which implies reliability – hence confidence. GARY: But applying meanings No’s 2 through 5, it does not make sense to me to talk of having confidence in something. RICHARD: Indeed not ... it is pertinent to realise that dictionaries are descriptive, not prescriptive, and give alternate meanings to a particular word and different dictionaries can give differing meanings than in other dictionaries. Speaking personally, I choose from among the various definitions ascribed to a word the meaning which most closely fits what I am conveying (as I did in the ‘Merriam-Webster’ example further above). GARY: Because elsewhere in your writings you have advised people to abandon trust, hope, and belief as soon as possible. RICHARD: Yes ... I devoted an entire chapter in ‘Richard’s Journal’ to this very topic. For example:
GARY: Is there a way to resolve this apparent contradiction? RICHARD: Well, if you prefer WordNet over other dictionaries then the No. 1 sense of the word comes closest to what I am conveying – where it says ‘assurance, authority, sureness, freedom from doubt’ – and it comes even closer further down the page under the heading: ‘Synonyms/Hypernyms (Ordered by Frequency) of the noun confidence’:
And under the heading: ‘Attributes of the noun confidence’:
As for other dictionaries ... the Oxford Dictionary has this as their No. 2 meaning:
And the American Heritage® Dictionary has this as their No. 5 definition:
As does the Merriam-Webster:
Thus the assurance of certainty confers reliability ... and such surety engenders confidence all of its own accord:
Furthermore, this endowed confidence means that an inevitability sets in.
RESPONDENT No. 25: Richard, if I were to knock-knock on your brain there will be no-one to answer, let alone your heart? RICHARD: My previous companion would oft-times say ‘there is no-one in there’ or ‘there is no-one home’ when feeling me out whilst looking at me quizzically ... she also would explain to others that, contrary to expectation, it was sometimes difficult to live with Richard (it could be said that living with some body that is not self-centred would always be easy) as it was impossible for her to have a relationship because there was no-one to make a connection with. She would also say that Richard does nor support her, as an identity that is, at all ... which lack of (affective) caring was disconcerting for her, to say the least, and my current companion has also (correctly) reported this absence of consideration. Put simply: I am unable to support some-one who does not exist (I only get to meet flesh and blood bodies here in this actual world). GARY: One of the most striking things to happen to me since I started practising Actualism is the diminishment of emotional connections to other human beings. I cannot say that there are absolutely no connections to others, as it is obvious to me in my relationship with my partner that a sense of connectedness comes up from time to time in various ways. And no doubt this happens with other people as well. However, I have noticed for a long period that when people want to be ‘friends’ with me, for instance, and make certain friendly overtures, these are generally not at all reciprocated on my part. In other words, the offer to ‘make a friend’ or ‘be a friend’ or such similar things as happen in the social world usually fall completely flat on my part. I have sometimes gotten the impression, gleaned from body language and other cues, that this irritates people. Overtures of this type just do not seem to ‘take’ with me. It is difficult to describe but I am sure that the other practiced Actualists on this list know what I am talking about. RICHARD: Given that the primary basis of a meaningful friendship is an affectionate attachment, a tie or a bond based upon one identity making an affective connection with another identity, it speaks volumes about the underlying nature of relationship that a proposition of that ilk deemed to be spurned incurs chagrin. A succinct description of this core nature can be as follows:
Of course the words ‘friendly’ and ‘friendliness’ have different connotations to the root meanings of ‘friend’ and ‘friendship’ ... such connotations as amity, affability, amiability, geniality, cordiality, courtesy, civility, helpfulness, kindliness, gentleness, benevolence, and so on. The need for a friend, and to be a friend, is an urge for an affectuous coupling based upon separation ... an identity is alone and/or lonely and longs for the union that is evidenced in a relationship. When both ‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul become extinct there is no need – and no capacity – for such unity: the expression ‘life is a movement in relationship’ applies only to a psychological and/or psychic entity who wants the feeling of oneness – a synthetic intimacy per favour the bridge of affection/love – which manifests the deception that separation has ended. And if human relationship does not produce the desired result, then one will project a god or a goddess – a ‘super-friend’ not dissimilar to the imaginary playmates of childhood – to love and be loved by. The ridiculous part in all this is that we are fellow human beings anyway (like species recognise like species) and to seek to impose friendship over the top of fellowship is, as someone once said in another context, like painting red ink on a red rose ... a garish redundancy. GARY: Another obvious sign of the diminishment of emotional connections is in the ‘need’ to affiliate. I seem to have no need to affiliate with others, in the sense that that word is commonly used. This is not to say that I am rude or inconsiderate towards others, but as I feel little need or drive to ‘socialize’, pair off with, or otherwise ‘bond’ with others, there is little in an active social sense that is going on with me. RICHARD: Yes, the need (as in drive or urge) to belong can, and does, vanish completely. GARY: Which brings me to a point: in my investigations of what it means to be a human being, I have been struck with how much of human socializing is based on commiseration – sharing a common plight and grievance, and additionally sharing feelings and emotions: whether it be returning to work on Monday, the state of the economy, the price of gasoline, how unfairly the work place is treating you, etc., etc. Human beings seems to revel in their complaints and gripes, and a sense of resentment is the cement that seems to bind people together in many social situations. Indeed, it is the raison d’être for political groups and political causes of various types. RICHARD: Aye ... this is something I come across almost on a daily basis and it is amazing how many people tell me that I am being ‘optimistic’, or ‘positive’, or ‘up-beat’, or that I am ‘forever trying to talk things up’. For example, I might comment upon what a great day it is and, as sure as eggs are eggs, the plighted person will find fault (even if only ‘it won’t last’) ... or I may say how marvellous it is to be living in a technologically advanced society (take contemporary surgical procedures, for instance, or current dental practice) and a whole litany of doom and gloom comes forth. Even sitting at a caff by myself, with snippets of nearby conversations drifting by from time-to-time, it is remarkable how much of the content of social chit-chat is, as you say, gripe, grievance, complaint, and resentment ... and the last-named is the key to it all (the basic resentment of being alive in the first place). Until one wakes up to implications and ramifications of the factuality of already being here on this planet earth anyway, whether one wants to be or not (‘I didn’t ask to be born’), one is fated to forever seek consolation and commiseration in the arms (both metaphorically and literally) of another similarly afflicted. Yet the simple fact is that, despite the ‘I didn’t ask to be born’ rhetoric, one does want to be alive (else one would have committed suicide long ago) and all that it takes is to fully acknowledge this and thus unequivocally say !YES! to being here now as this flesh and blood body ... and this affirmation is an unconditional agreement/approval of life itself as-it-is. I did not ask to be born either (truisms can be so trite) ... but I am ever-so-glad that I was. GARY: However, not to get too far afield and to return again to the theme of emotional ‘connection’, I have sometimes in past months been aghast at my lack of emotional, social connection to others. There has been the fright that I am suffering from a serious mental disorder. RICHARD: This seems to be par for the course ... I would probably not be going too far out on a limb to say that the fear of insanity plays a large part in whatever else it is that keeps people locked into sanity. GARY: In that one’s emotional connections with others are a prime indicator of one’s mental health, that may certainly be the case, although I carry no official diagnosis (not having come into contact with mental health professionals in any capacity that relates to me personally). RICHARD: Yes ... ‘well-balanced’ emotional connections are indeed a prime indicator of mental health in the
real-world. As a generalisation commitment to radical GARY: There has been something at times like anxiety and shock to recognize that I am no longer moved by a need to affiliate and identify with others. This fear reminds me of the fears I first encountered in Actualism – atavistic fears relating to being an ‘outcast’, i.e. falling off the plate of humanity, so to speak. RICHARD: The glue which holds humanity together is sourced in the gregarian impulse (the herd instinct A powerful social tool, in other words, wielded viciously at times. GARY: However, the fears have taken on a somewhat different spin, at times feeling myself to be the object of derision or discrimination. RICHARD: Ah, yes ... derision, eh? Another emotional vibe, or psychic current, to add to the short list (above) of powerful social tools ... which would have to include disparagement, scorn, mockery, disdain, belittlement, vilification, denigration, contempt, castigation, disapprobation, denunciation, and condemnation (and discrimination as evidenced by bad-mouthing, backbiting, slander, libel, defamation and a whole range of slurs, smears, censures, admonishments, reproaches, reprovals, and so on). GARY: Whatever it is, and although there may be a slightly paranoid flavour at times, I am unable to return to what once was a habitual mode of operation socially – to seek out ‘relationships’ with others, whether they be friendships, kinship with family members, or groups to identify with. As I write these words, I am thinking that these fears are basic atavistic fears related to the demolishment of one’s identity, as well as fears that indicate the presence of the identity in the first place. These fears have largely settled down at the present time. RICHARD: Good ... what would keep the ‘me’ that was firmly on track, at times, was the glaring fact that, for all of humanity’s social tools and coping mechanisms and management techniques, peace on earth was nowhere to be seen ... either then or at any other period in human history. The impression gained at the time was that everyone else was sitting back moaning and groaning about the inequity of it all ... and castigating anyone who dared to begin stepping out of the mould. I kid you not ... many was the person who said (words to the effect): ‘how could you be happy while people are suffering ... have you no humanity?’ Is one to wait until everybody else is happy and harmless before oneself? If one were to wait the waiting would be forever for under this twisted rationale no one would dare to be the first to be happy and harmless because of such people waiting in the wings poised and ready to pounce with their ‘how could you’ wisdom ... this peculiar reasoning allows only for an instantaneous mass happiness and harmlessness to occur globally and, as such a miracle is never going to happen, surely someone has to be intrepid enough to be the first, to show what is possible to a benighted humanity, before they all tear each other apart. At times one just has to face the opprobrium of one’s ill-informed peers and dare to be different anyway. GARY: I would welcome any comments either you or other participants have about the topic currently under discussion. I would be interested, for instance, in knowing how your own conduct socially and in terms of intimate, emotional connection has changed since you have been living in Actual Freedom compared with your previous life as a ‘normal’, care-worn person. RICHARD: Ahh ... the change from being a care-worn person to being a care-free person means that social interaction has changed from normal to actual (from friendship to fellowship) which is a change from being affectively intimate (a separative connection) to being actually intimate (an inseparate association) and, as a result, a change from being commiserative to being dissolutive and thus a change from complaintive to acclamatory and/or from condolatory to laudatory (from grievance to panegyrical) ... what others would call being ‘optimistic’, or ‘positive’, or ‘up-beat’, and so on. Mostly people stay way in droves. GARY: Specific questions that arise might be the following: do you belong to any groups or organizations of any kind? RICHARD: I neither belong to any public organisation, club, guild, or fraternity/ sorority by whatever description, nor go to parties, bars, dances, or any other similar social venue ... neither do I play competitive sports, support any team or player, or even watch any such sporting events. GARY: Do you have a more active social life now or less active? RICHARD: An entirely different social life: no integration is required as the world as-it-is endows any activity with all its completion ... a plenitude that far exceeds any social event which seeks to divert the jaded from their creeping ennui. GARY: What happened to you socially when you self-immolated? RICHARD: I have tended to be individualistic all my life – although I could party-on with the best of the revellers on occasion – so, basically, all that happened socially was that gregariousness, or the urge to socialise, has vanished completely ... just as sexual congress sans the libidinous impulse is a luscious intercourse so too is social congress without the gregarian urge a delightful interaction. All in all an estimable situation.
RETURN TO THE ACTUAL FREEDOM MAILING LIST INDEX RETURN TO RICHARD’S CORRESPONDENCE INDEX The Third Alternative (Peace On Earth In This Life Time As This Flesh And Blood Body) Here is an actual freedom from the Human Condition, surpassing Spiritual Enlightenment and any other Altered State Of Consciousness, and challenging all philosophy, psychiatry, metaphysics (including quantum physics with its mystic cosmogony), anthropology, sociology ... and any religion along with its paranormal theology. Discarding all of the beliefs that have held humankind in thralldom for aeons, the way has now been discovered that cuts through the ‘Tried and True’ and enables anyone to be, for the first time, a fully free and autonomous individual living in utter peace and tranquillity, beholden to no-one.
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