Well, now that the Millennium has passed and the end of the world didn’t happen, the usual air of gloom-now and doom-soon should reform and settle over the planet. The reason for this on-going existential human predicament can be gleaned from the fascinating insights of a little known prophet called Austradamus who lives in seclusion in the sub-tropical rainforest, just inland of Byron.

Born some 2,000 to 3,000 years ago from the miraculous union of Buddha’s mum who was travelling through at the time and a Persian fellow named Ugh or Urr – the bark scrolls are a bit white ant-ridden at this point – he lived a typical Guru’s life and upon death went off astral back-packing for hundreds of centuries. He has recently re-incarnated to settle down to a leisurely semi-retirement on earth. His newly penned and Self-published book, called Austrababbles, chronicles not only his miraculous earthly life and his subsequent visit and adventures on the Further Shore, but also offers a tantalizing preview of this next millennium of human existence.

Having come across his book recently, I thought it would be fun to visit him and check out his current earthly manifestation. I tried in vain over several long sittings to tune into his vibrations to contact him for an appointment and finally out of desperation tried the dolphin frequencies. Going deeper and deeper, suddenly there was a distinct sound of Om Shanti Om in a broad Australian-dolphinese accent. Waiting until the incantations finished, I introduced myself and asked if we could meet for an interview. He was most reluctant until I mentioned the possibility of an article reviewing his book in ‘Here and Now’ and all of a sudden the deal was done. He matter-of-factly said that he could do with some book promotion as having amphibians as disciples didn’t pay at all well. He was wearying of living off their offerings of fish, and could I bring some lamb chops and rollie papers from Woollies as he was running low.

On meeting, my first impression was how normal he looked but I quickly remembered that his body may have looked earthly but it was the who that was ‘inside’ this body that was extraordinary. We tootled up his path together, exchanging the usual introductory small talk and settled down on his veranda for a cup of lemon grass chai and some vegan cookies. He said the vegan crop had been particularly good this year but, waving the papers I had brought, welcomed the chance to smoke some rather than bake it. I nodded in agreement and suddenly found that I could not stop nodding, in fact the nodding lasted throughout the afternoon and did not wear out fully until two days later. It was obvious that I was in the presence of no ordinary, mortal human being. I mentioned my nodding to him and he simply nodded back, casually mentioning the difficulty he had at first in getting his new disciples to nod. I nodded sympathetically and knowingly, adding just a touch of humility to cover my pride at being a good nodder.

He explained to me that the major problem with dolphins was that they couldn’t stomach vegan cookies and smoking was not culturally acceptable in their society. He had to revert to mass meditation sessions which, while resulting in a good deal of nodding, he felt was not as effective as direct vegan infusion. He then launched into a story chronicling the close relationship between hallucinogenics and altered states of consciousness throughout Guru-history. I stretched out on the deck chair, bathing in his energy and immersed in his tales of the phantasmagorical, when all of a sudden a mosquito bit me. I took this as a sign from Existence and immediately struggled to make sense of it.

Ah, yes. It was a reminder of why I was here – to glean from this mystic his prophecies for the future of mankind. I patiently waited for his current story to end, desperately running my question around and around in my head lest I forget it and lapse back into my state of UA. Some mystics propound that one should strive to achieve a state of UL (Universal Let-go) but what makes Austradamus’s teachings truly unique is his emphasis on UA (Universal Agreement). I had gleaned from his writings that his emphasis on UA had, as its cultural roots, the ancient Austra-wisdom of ‘She’ll be right mate!’ which has been since been abbreviated into the current Austra-vernacular of ‘No problems’ or ‘No worries’. It occurred to me that this was a good line of enquiry to pursue with him but I was suddenly awash with another wave of UA and subsequently lost the plot completely.

Then, appearing as though out of the mists of time – had it been a minute, or an hour, or an eternity – I heard his voice chanting in a strange intonation. Opening my eyes I saw him peering into the top of the rainwater tank, miraculously blowing smoke from his mouth, chanting Om Shanti Om, scratching his crotch and swatting a passing mosquito – all at the same time. Despite being in awe of his sublime grace, I rose and edged closer in order to see the object of his attention. There before my very eyes was a bottle-nose dolphin, head peeking out of the water, eyes aglaze with ecstasy, snorting in the smoke. What struck me as unusual was the fact that the dolphin was laying back in the water on a deckchair with its tail up on an old whipper-snipper petrol can, exactly as I had been only moments before.

My head swam at the sight before me and I struggled to come to grips with the evolutionary consequences of what I was witnessing. That this was definitely no ordinary man was already obvious and that this was no ordinary dolphin was startlingly apparent. The air was literally alive with static, as I could feel the love mutually emanating from both man and dolphin. I was truly blessed at being present at an event that I knew instinctually was the mere precursor to the extraordinary developments that were to unfold in this new millennium. In a flash of insight I saw that the evolutionary process of Existence is, in fact, a gigantic, endless relay race and I was privileged to witness the first tentative steps of the ‘handing on of the baton’ from human to dolphin.

In deep reverence at the significance of the spiritually-rich event I was honoured to be a part of, I watched enthralled. Soon the dolphin closed its eyes and went within and after a suitable pause Austradamus reached up and, unclipping a pair of head phones from the veranda post, slipped them on to the mammal’s head. ‘It’s a bit old-fashioned I know, but Pink Floyd did a lot for me in the early days. Besides, if the buggers would only learn to talk it would make my job easier and this may help. There is so much wisdom I need to pass on and, although he’s cute, he’s still a bit slow on the uptake. Still, it’s early years’ he said reflectively.

We left his chief dolphin-disciple to its blissful state and settled back on the veranda again, my head swimming with questions. As though he was reading my mind, Austradamus launched into explanations.

It seemed that his current second-coming arose from a vegan-fuelled rave he had with a few of his LDM (long dead master) mates at a cosmic trance dance. The thorny old subject of ‘returning to Earth’ was raised by some spoil-sport, whose name Austradamus compassionately refused to reveal when I pressed him. I did, however, glean that we are talking about some pretty well-known LDM’s from the names of his ‘mates’ that he casually dropped into the conversation during the afternoon. It seemed that none present at the cosmic gathering were at all keen to come back again for another bout of earthly misery and frustration and besides, as Austradamus put it, on the Further Shore ‘the vegan’s for nothing and the chicks are free’.

To cut a long story short, it was agreed that someone should do the ‘right thing’ and go back and, in order to decide, they would all go for an aura reading the next day, and whosever’s aura was dirtiest would have to go back to Earth. Needless to say, Austradamas lost – ‘my mantra of ‘she’ll be right’ caught up with me’ he noted glibly. So, about the middle of last century, he re-incarnated into a human body and here he was back on earth again.

He said he had a normal earthly upbringing and tootled off to the East with the rest of his hippy mates and subsequently watched with interest the spread of Guruism through the West. Since his teenage years he had been keeping an eye on the human battle betwixt good and evil, Divine and animal, Immortal and mortal and, by his score card, human beings were losing the battle. ‘Guruism has become a crowded market, competition is fierce and the returns aren’t good’ he noted with just a touch of fatalism. The other issue was that he couldn’t reveal his true mission on earth – that of ‘returned-messiah elect’, as he would either be taken as a nutter and lynched or would have to spill the beans on those of his cosmic ‘mates’ who had shunned the mission – not a revelation guaranteed to endear him to his mates’ disciples.

While mulling over his Existential dilemma one day, in a cloud of vegan-inspiration, he had hit upon the scheme of preparing a New Species to replace the self-destructive human species – to hand on the ‘Baton of Consciousness’.

He said he is currently also looking for some like-minded human helpers who are qualified in genetic engineering to aid his vision. ‘Some arms and legs would be good for the New Species’ he said. ‘The feelings and emotions are already similar in both animals but t’would be good to put more ‘good’ into the dolphins before we increased their brain size, or we would just end up with more dolphin wars, I guess.’ A question pushed off from the deep end of my mind and languidly swam into view. ‘Surely it is the animal passion to fight that causes wars and not thinking ability?’ but the thought floundered like a hung-over millennium reveller as another wave of UA engulfed it. So much for thinking – powerful stuff this UA!

Austradamus’s hypnotic voice droned on to explain that he spends long hours in another rainwater tank at the opposite end of the balcony sitting underwater on a deck chair, feet up on a whipper-snipper petrol can, listening to tapes of dolphin-speak. ‘I am preparing myself’ he said. ‘If I am to be the messiah of the dolphins I must be able to live among my people and effectively communicate with them’. The cute thing about his new idea, he said, is that ‘Existence gets the chance to wipe the slate clean of human beings altogether and I get to be the One-and-Only Messiah of the New Species. For I am the Creator of the New Species! Now it can be truly said that I am Existence and Existence is Me.’

His voice boomed through the gum trees, seemingly rattling their very leaves, on its thundering journey through the valley. I squirmed a bit in my chair, feeling uncomfortably mortal and insignificant in the face of his Divine Vision. Overcome with weariness – or was it wariness – I bade my leave and wound my way back home. A troubled night’s sleep followed and I awoke as though I had been having a dream. Then I remembered the spiritual teachings that in the spiritual world all is an illusion anyway, and the memories of my visit suddenly all made sense again.

As I recently reflected it was obvious that the most meaningful and lasting thing that came out of my visit to Austradamus was that it gave me a story to write for ‘Here and Now’.

Oh, and Austradamus’s prediction for the new millennium – gloom-now, doom-soon, whoopee after death (same as usual) – and get ready to trade your meditation cushions for snorkels and deckchairs ...

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