RESPONDENT: One of the main issues I’m investigating right now is the instinctual sex drive. Being a 21-yr old male conditioned by popular American culture, I have a lot to look at.

PETER: I am particularly pleased that someone so young finds the writings of actualism to be of such interest that they ask down-to-earth questions. I was 49 years old before I came across actualism and as such had a wealth of experience of the human condition, in particular an awareness of my failure to break free of the social taboos and instinctual passions that stood in the way of my free enjoyment of sensual delights of sexual play. I wish you well in your investigations – you will circumvent a good deal of wasted time and failed effort by daring to dig into these matters at so young an age.

RESPONDENT: Besides for that, I have also been through a very sexually active period in my previous relationship. Recently, I moved out of a zen monastery, where I practiced celibacy. Up to now, I’m still celibate.

PETER: My experience with celibacy is that it is not all that difficult – the combination of repression and denial eventually leads to indifference and disinterest which then leads to disassociation and then that self-gratifying feeling of being ‘above it all’ finally sets in.

RESPONDENT: The question is: how do I meet, interact, and allow for connections with women without the animalistic sex drive?

PETER: An obvious question that comes to mind is how do you plan to get rid of the animalistic sex drive, if not by meeting, interacting and allowing for connections with women? Perhaps if I put it this way – the process of actualism involves getting up and running a constant awareness of how you are experiencing this moment of being alive with the aim of being as happy and harmless as is possible whilst remaining a feeling being, it does not involve living one’s life in accord with a set of ‘thou shalt, thou shalt not’ principles.

As an example, at the very start of actualism, I was very interested in discovering the unfettered enjoyment of sex and yet I soon found myself becoming even more interested in living with a woman in utter peace and harmony. As a consequence of this shift in focus, I approached a woman, to whom I was sexually attracted, with the proposition of living together in peace and harmony … and it was this commitment on my part that both attracted the woman and ensured the success of the enterprise. In hindsight, it was only because I had an overarching desire for intimacy that I was able to experientially explore and practically investigate the social taboos and instinctual passions that stood in the way of my free enjoyment of the sensual delights of sexual play.

RESPONDENT: How is it possible to be intimate, without the bruising of love?

PETER: Whilst you will find a good deal of writing on the subject on the website, it can in no way substitute for finding out for oneself by direct experience. To take the actualism writings as a set of principles by which to live one’s life is to miss the fact that the writings are the experiential reports of fellow human beings that point to both the means and the end of becoming free of the instinctual passions in toto. To put it in a nutshell – only you can discover how it is ‘possible to be intimate, without the bruising of love’.

RESPONDENT: This issue is closely related to my seldom occurring flashes of loneliness.

PETER: My bottom line feeling of loneliness was seeing myself as a sad and lonely down-and-out old man sitting on a park bench. Quite a few men who I have spoken to have a similar bottom line.

RESPONDENT: Another nuance of my situation is that I moved here to Hawaii for grad school, and rarely interact socially with anyone, both because of not knowing anyone and because of the physics demands.

PETER: One of the more fascinating observations about the ongoing series of chance events we call life is that it is rich with opportunities, some of which manifest as serendipitous opportunities, any of which can prove to be life-changing events.

RESPONDENT: The only example of an actualist relationship I’m aware of is Peter’s and Vineeto’s. I was wondering if you could comment on my inquiries. It seems rare that one could meet someone else who also happens to be open to an ‘intimacy’ without love. I would appreciate any feedback from anyone who has had experience in this particular subject.

PETER: It was indeed serendipitous that Vineeto became as interested in actualism as I was, but to see actualism as a process that one undertakes with someone else is to completely miss the point that becoming free of malice and sorrow is, and can only be, a unilateral do-it-yourself business.

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