Please note that Peter’s Journal was written by the feeling-being ‘Peter’ while ‘he’ lived in a pragmatic (methodological), still-in-control/same-way-of-being Virtual Freedom before becoming actually free.

Selected Writings from Peter’s Journal

on the Altered State of Consciousness aka Enlightenment

One particularly ghastly night I idly picked up a book by Rajneesh and began to read. He talked against religion and society, and alluded to a way of becoming free of sorrow. What he said appealed to the rebel in me, for I was a typical baby-boomer and had been attracted to and done my bit in the anti-war and environmental movements, but this was truly revolutionary! I remember looking at his picture and my heart doing a flip. This was the answer to the mystery of life! It all made sense to me; this was what I was missing all my life. He had come into my life, and I was in love with him. Also, it was particularly strong for me to meet all the people in the commune – here seemed to be a place of true rebellion! The communal way of life was a complete reversal of society’s values, those that had failed to give me happiness. Rajneesh and his disciples were devoted to change. Love, peace and Enlightenment promised a way out of the world of violence and misery.

They were heady, exciting days as I sold the house, gave up my job and joined the commune. Spiritual practice largely consisted of work done in or for the commune and was called ‘worship’ – to be done with love, devotion and awareness. Eventually a total community evolved with money, possessions and accommodation shared. I soon found myself back in my old business of architecture and building, this time for the commune. At the time Rajneesh was in America and was soon to move to what became affectionately known as ‘the Ranch’ – a huge neglected cattle ranch in Oregon. The ashram in India had folded up the previous year and communes were being established around the world while the Ranch was to be developed into a city called Rajneeshpuram. It was a vision on the grand scale and I was part of it! It was a time of revolution and excitement; and working twelve-to fourteen-hour days, seven days a week, was our contribution. Once a year the Ranch would host a vast ten-day festival for up to 10,000 people from all over the world and the whole of our commune would go there.

The first time I saw Rajneesh was when he came out, outlandishly dressed, and sat on the podium in the huge meeting hall. Ecstatic music alternated with sitting in silence. It was an extraordinary, moving experience. Here he was at last, and what a show! Every day we would form up in a mile-long snaking line in the baking sun as he slowly drove by in one of his many Rolls Royces. Being part of this multi-national movement, building a city in the desert to challenge the world, to bring a ‘new man’ to the planet and to be with the ‘Master of Masters’, was hearty stuff indeed. The years in India had been the hippy years of therapy and rebellion, with Rajneesh intimately involved. These were the years of building Rajneeshpuram with Rajneesh himself in silence and isolation. For me those five years were a time of continual ‘worship’ and excitement, being part of this great experiment, and there was little time for, or emphasis on, therapy or meditation.

But beneath the surface things were beginning to go terribly wrong on the Ranch. The local authorities were becoming increasingly alarmed at what was happening and began to legally challenge the city’s development. The women in power began a program of trenchant legal resistance and more and more resorted to covert activities of vote rigging, bugging, dirty tricks and even poisoning. Rajneesh began talking again, also to the press, goading the local community and the politicians. The city had its own police force, and I remember seeing videos of residents training with guns, such was the feeling of paranoia that was developing. At my last festival visit some of my friends acted as guards for Rajneesh, standing on the podium with automatic weapons. On several occasions I helped to guard around the commune, but never armed. Rumours abounded that the government was going to close the Ranch, come what may, and that the National Guard was on stand-by. When the illegal activities became known, the FBI came to investigate. Rajneesh publicly proclaimed his ignorance of any wrong-doings and several days later flew out in his private jet, only to be arrested trying to leave the country. Photo by C. William Byron Miller, http://www.empnet.com/imageworks/Raj.1

Questions that were never convincingly answered for me from this time were: ‘Did Rajneesh know what was going on, and if he didn’t, why didn’t he?’ The answer I most often heard as a justification was that it was all a ‘lesson’ for us about power and responsibility. In other words: we were at fault, not him. I could not make any sense of it at all, but I was mostly grateful that he was eventually released and safe.

... I had given thirteen years of my life in devotion and ‘worship’, and it had not worked, something was still seriously wrong inside me. They were good times; exciting, wonderful experiences, but here I was back to where I had started and nothing had fundamentally changed, nor had it in any of the other thousands involved, as far as I could see. And nobody had got Enlightened! Rajneesh’s great experiment had, in the end, failed. Peter’s Journal, ‘Spiritual Search’

I had by now made the spiritual search the most important thing in my life and I was starting to get results. I did have definite doubts about the Enlightened beings and their behaviour, particularly towards women, but I was driven on by my search – an inner drive to seek freedom. Then I came across a young Western spiritual teacher whose message – ‘You have to give it everything’ – set me on fire! I decided that I could do more and, accepting his challenge, once more closed down my business, sold up, said goodbye to friends and moved to a spiritual commune. Once more the excitement and passion of being with a group of seekers (or Finders as they called themselves) engulfed me, but what I found on arrival was to soon disappoint me.

I was hit by a feeling of ‘been here, done this’, as I could see the same old pattern of people surrendering their time, money and will in the hope that this man would somehow make them free. I had seen thousands giving years of their lives with no result and began to see it as a hopeless system. Perhaps the most shocking thing was the sight of one of the women who had shaved her head as a sign that she had pledged herself to a year’s celibacy! I had actually again landed myself in a cleverly disguised and packaged Eastern Religion! Surely somewhere there was someone offering something different, something new, something that made sense?

So I left and returned to my previous life; curiously with everybody saying they ‘knew I’d come back’. A strange thing had happened though: it became apparent to me that I didn’t want to become an ‘Enlightened One’. I had seen enough of them close up to question how they were as men, and it wasn’t as I would want to be as a human being. Peter’s Journal, ‘Spiritual Search’

At this time the question that haunted me for a while was ‘what was Truth?’, a term that I was increasingly hearing in the spiritual world. If there is one Truth, how come each of the Masters seemed to have their own personal version of it, yet none of them can describe what ‘It’ is exactly? Is it that they are really talking about a feeling, not a fact? If they were all talking about the same Truth why couldn’t they just all get together and stop fighting each other? It made the Truth seem more than a bit suspicious. Mysterious – yes; sensible – no! It became obvious they were all just talking about God, and to call it ‘the Truth’ was just a disguise.

I had resumed ‘normal’ life again, this time sharing a house with a woman who was also on the spiritual path. Not long after I moved in, she met a man who was visiting town and who had become ‘accidentally’ Enlightened a few years previously, and she invited him and his wife to dinner at our house. His story was that he was a scientist and had been sceptical of all things spiritual. He had, however, met a woman who was on the spiritual path, and while they were in Thailand he was poisoned on a bus trip. When he awoke in hospital the next day he found himself in an ‘altered state of consciousness’. I listened to his story, fascinated. I had spent fifteen years of my life searching for what this guy got from a poisoned lolly on a bus, and he wasn’t even looking for it! This whole spiritual business was looking increasingly weird.

My housemate then heard of another ‘Enlightened’ man, this time a local, and invited him and his partner to dinner. The world is full of Enlightened beings, I thought, and where I live they are particularly thick on the ground. I was definitely having trouble making any sense whatever of the spiritual world. It was an interesting evening and we got down to some real talking after dinner, outside in the warm night air. The talk, as I remember it, was mostly about Enlightenment, and Richard spoke freely, unhesitatingly answering any questions. He said he had been Enlightened but had now got to a condition he said was beyond Enlightenment. This was certainly something I had not heard described before and I began to notice that what he was saying was different, even though I did not understand much of it! In particular I remember him saying, ‘everyone has got it 180 degrees wrong.’ It was a statement that rang in my head like a huge bell at the time. The evening ended about 3 am, and so confusing was the conversation that I thought little of it afterwards: but I had liked their company. The conversation was easy and wide-ranging – it is a rare pleasure to talk of such things as life, the universe and what sense we make of it. Peter’s Journal, ‘God’

‘Everyone has got it 180 degrees wrong,’ Richard said at one stage. I was starting to have some doubts about Enlightenment, and that ‘crack in the door’ was enough for me to reply, ‘Really? – I’ll think about that for a bit’.

‘The only danger is you might become Enlightened,’ said Richard about the experimental method he had devised to eliminate the identity in toto – that psychological and psychic entity that is the root of sorrow and malice and that dwells within all human beings.

‘It is possible for a man and a woman to live together, twenty-four hours a day, in utter peace, harmony and equity, totally enjoying each other’s company, and the sex is great,’ said Devika. Now I was really interested!

‘I was Enlightened for eleven years before I managed to break free from the delusion that I was God’, said Richard. My brain went into gridlock, but this sounded like an interesting path to investigate, particularly considering what Devika had said about man and woman living together. Little did I know that the first statement was to lead to nearly a year of examining almost every belief I had taken on as to what it is to be a human being on this planet, and to reject every one of them as silly! And little did I know that I was soon to prove Devika’s statement as a fact in my life.

And needless to say, I have managed to avoid becoming Enlightened, or indeed any form of Guru-ship. Peter’s Journal, ‘Foreword’

Richard had got himself Enlightened some seventeen years before by an intensive method aimed at finding the condition he had experienced some time earlier in a pure consciousness experience. He achieved an altered state of consciousness complete with feelings of Oneness and Timelessness, Love for all, Compassion, and a drive to spread his Message. What in fact he had been aiming for was what he had experienced previously – a direct experience of the purity and perfection of the physical universe, but what he had attained he eventually called ‘Absolute Freedom’ – an extraordinary state of bliss and self-aggrandisement. He became at one with God or the ‘Absolute’, as he named it. As he began to talk to people they told him that what he was saying was very like what the spiritual Masters were saying, and he then discovered that he was in a state known in the East as Enlightenment. Despite the extraordinary wonderful feelings, a few doubts remained simmering beneath the surface: why was this state different to what he had aimed for, why was he driven to save mankind, why did he feel timelessness when the clock still ticked away?

He travelled to the East seeking answers but came back even more troubled. Over a period of twelve years he was to question all of the sacred tenets of the Enlightened Ones – the massive delusion as he puts it – and emerged some six years ago into what he now calls ‘Actual Freedom’. The man I sat talking with for hours and hours in his suburban living room had actually forsaken the Glamour, the Glory and the Glitz of Enlightenment! In Eastern Spiritual terms, he had eliminated not only the ‘self’ but the ‘Self’ as well, not only the Ego but the soul. Peter’s Journal, ‘God’

When I met Richard, I had long ago rejected Western religion and had, like many of my generation, sought the answers in the East and in spirituality. Now I had begun to see, particularly by re-reading the ancient texts and stories, that Eastern spirituality was nothing more than Eastern religion. I remember talking to friends at the time, asking them if they wanted to become Enlightened, and all of them said no. I was fascinated to find out why they followed Masters if they did not want to be like them. I would also ask people if they believed in God, and all of them said no. But when I pointed out that their particular Master taught about God in whatever form, they would all deny it. I realised that most people hung around for the ‘Energy’, and the Master could have been saying anything. It was shocking to see how gullible I had been, and only recently. (By the way, did you know that the word gullible is not even in the dictionary?)

I looked back on my years with Rajneesh and found that I could do so without any of the emotional attachment I had previously had. The only remaining bond I had had to him was one of loyalty, and this quickly dissolved. I remembered the tired and worn out man at the end waiting to go to his Heaven, and I remembered the ‘Never Born – Never Died’ inscription on his tomb in the mausoleum I had helped build. If that was what he believed, then fine; I simply did not believe in him or what he said any more. It was good to have no emotion around the memory: opinions – yes; emotions – no.

The spiritual path had originally appealed to me as I saw it offered the chance of relief from suffering in this lifetime – from this ‘self’ within me, the psychological entity. Enlightenment was far superior to and more appealing than waiting for the good times promised in Heaven. At the time the spiritual path seemed the best on offer as a way to escape the misery and suffering of the world. It certainly appeared better than trying to ‘keep the lid on it all’, like the Western religions with their morals that so obviously fail. At least it acknowledged the problem of the ‘self’ and attempted to address it. I know that spiritual people generally are well meaning and have good intentions but the problem is that Eastern religions, by trying to eliminate the ‘self’, aim to transform it into the ‘Self’ – in other words realising that you are God or at one with God. And then, of course, as the latest saviour of mankind, one gathers disciples, scorns others who have seemingly found a different God, and eventually form yet another Religion. And so on ad nauseam. In the end, the apparent solution to suffering actually contributes mightily to the problem – and with horrific consequences.

The religious wars, persecutions, torture and perversions of the self-righteous God men are legendary and appalling, and they continue even today. Of course, the East is equally appalling when one takes off the rose-coloured glasses and really looks. I only have to remember that I would have been willing to kill or be killed for Rajneesh on the Ranch to know this is so. Hinduism is too silly to even be taken seriously – a little reading will show that – but then again it forms the basis of much of modern spirituality! The brutality of the clashes between Hindus and Muslims in India rivals any of the atrocities man has inflicted on man. Peter’s Journal, ‘God’

If the aim of the spiritual path was to deliver to me the much sought-after ‘peace of mind’ then I had to admit that it had also failed. It was possible, through intensive effort and surrender, to still the mind, but from what I had experienced and seen in others, this involved a ‘getting out of it’, into some ‘other’ world. I came to see meditation as no more than sitting in the corner with my eyes shut, pretending the world didn’t exist. When they say the world is an illusion, they do indeed experience it that way. The inner, imaginary world becomes real and the actual physical world becomes an illusion!

I myself have experienced this when, after six months of withdrawal from the world, intensive spiritual reading and meditating, while walking along a beach I had an experience of being ‘pure love’. I was Love, and love for everything poured out of me. ‘Existence’ and I were one, and all was love. I, as I normally was, was definitely not there – I had become pure love. Or, put another way, I had an experience of the ‘self’ becoming the ‘Self’. It eventually wore off after about two hours but, on reflection, if I had continued on the spiritual path for longer with the same intensity, I could well have been typing very different words now – no doubt proclaiming myself as the latest saviour of mankind!

Somehow I knew that this was not what I was after, as I wanted to be an ordinary human being, not an extraordinary one like the Enlightened Ones. Besides, I had not met one whose life I would like to emulate. I had also seen enough of the power and authority, with its subsequent worship and adoration, to be dismayed at the thought that this system represented the pinnacle of human endeavour. Some spiritual teachers, seeing this objection in people, are now deliberately trying to appear ‘ordinary’ and make much of the fact. Was it set in concrete that the only way to get rid of the ‘self’ was to become the ‘Self’? Was the only way to escape the misery of being a human being to become a God or God-realised? Well, not according to Richard, and that was encouraging – and inspirational! Peter’s Journal, ‘God’

I had to acknowledge that I was a failure on the spiritual path, and in the end I found I didn’t even want to become Enlightened. But I knew there were countless others on the path who had and will continue to suffer failure. Since Buddha’s time, 2500 years ago, there have been at least 1 billion Buddhists and, I have read, perhaps one thousand at the most have become Enlightened. That’s a success rate of 0.0001%!! I also read recently some famous spiritual pundit saying that this was a good thing: implying it was good that it was so difficult – so impossible. So many monks have spent so many hours, for so many centuries, meditating in cold monastical cells, and he thinks it’s good that it’s tough and difficult! In the East self-torture is even revered as a spiritual virtue. I remember well seeing the filthy saddhus standing for hours in tortured poses – the more extreme the better.

Well, why is Enlightenment just for the ‘chosen few’ and why – when it happens to someone – is he or she worshipped and revered like some God? Is it that it is such a miracle to become Enlightened in the first place that we bestow divinity on them, and then curry favour with them and worship them in the hope that it might rub off on us? I posed these and many other questions, as I tried to see what actual good had come out of a system that had been followed by billions of people, for thousands of years.

Buddhism has been in existence for at least 2500 years and Hindus supposedly twice as long. I was looking for evidence and facts – not hopes or beliefs. Peter’s Journal, ‘God’

I remember thinking at some stage what an enormous relief it was to not have to suffer on the spiritual path any more, to find something that I could actually, practically do to fix myself up. Richard said he had met many people who would agree that the spiritual path had not worked for them, thank him for pointing it out, go away and give up looking any more. Well, not so for me, thank you! However, it meant that in Star Trek terms I was ‘going where no man had gone before’. Of course, Richard had done it, had mapped a course and was waving a flag saying, ‘Over here – it’s okay’, but I still had to do it, for myself, by myself. I was faced with venturing beyond the norm – in effect, stepping outside ‘Humanity’, that biggest of clubs that clings together in fear, believes in ‘a something else’ and fights horrendous wars as to who is following the right ‘Something’ or ‘Someone’.

So here I was, about to push off into the deep end of the swimming pool, without anything or anybody to rescue me or look after me if things went wrong. And in my head I was continuously singing the Janis Joplin song, ‘…nothing left to lose…’ It sounds dramatic, I know, but I was involved in an experiment – a new escape route from malice and sorrow.  Photograph courtesy of NASA

So far, only Richard had left this squabbling, sorrowful ‘Humanity’ behind but he had gone a torturous route through Enlightenment and out the other side. I saw myself as a pioneer on a new, much easier, more direct course. I am full of admiration for the Richard who did it. He likened it to discovering a new continent in the days of old, in a tiny, leaky sailing ship, taking years for the perilous journey. Once discovered it was then easier for others, and now people can fly there comfortably in hours. I likened myself similarly, knowing what I was looking for, but plotting an easier course, avoiding the ‘Rock of Enlightenment’ that had thwarted all previous attempts. Peter’s Journal, ‘Intelligence’

I can now look back, astounded to realise that the solution traditionally followed in order to eradicate the psychological and psychic entity – attaining an altered state of consciousness (Enlightenment) – is actually a denial of our intelligence, as well as a denial of the physical, actual world. To regard the world as an illusion and to become God is to miss the point entirely. The East has been denying the ‘mind’ for centuries, and the poverty, repression, lack of technological progress and basic education are the obvious consequences that I see. The Eastern religions are actively and insidiously promoting the retention of the primitive spirit-ridden and fearful brain when they talk of no-mind and promote practices like meditation.

Exotic and mysterious the East may be to some people, but I like the intelligence of enjoying the comfort, health, cleanliness and ‘goodies’ of Western life. Why would I possibly deny myself these pleasures? I find it delightful and sensible to have hot and cold water and power on tap, to have a supermarket full of delicious food down the road and information available through TV and this computer. By condemning the ‘mind’ as the source of the problem in human beings the Eastern Religions have denied the intelligence of the brain and condemned billions to poverty and superstition. Seeking to become God is actively contributing to the problem, it is not the solution. I remember watching a video of an Enlightened woman deriding the Western mind as the problem in the world. She had just been boating on the Ganges, and I wondered if she had seen or smelt the water, let alone had a swim – I guess she just saw it all as an illusion anyway.

Furthermore, I saw that the spiritual path involved surrendering your will to ‘Someone’ or ‘Something’. I then understood that in surrendering my will, I simply became a puppet of others – a total slave. Peter’s Journal, ‘Intelligence’

Peter’s Selected Writings

Peter’s Journal

Library – Altered State of Consciousness

Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless

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