Begs a front-row seat and try not to become incontinent with anticipation. There are only two ail-biting months to go until the release of the silliest book this century, aka ‘A Natural History of Rape’, aka If men Have So Much In Common With Scorpion flies, Who Do So Few Of Them Possess A Down-turned Beak And Upturned Genital Capsule?

In this rollicking little text, Randy Thornhill and Craig Palmer (who are rumoured to have come up with their chip-on-the-shoulder ‘rape is only natural’ theory after making unsuccessful passes at a provocatively dressed praying mantis) base the bulk of their research on the mating habits of male scorpion flies.

The American evolutionary biologist and anthropologist also suggest with completely straight faces that:

1. Rape is a natural phenomenon with a serious evolutionary purpose,
2. Young lads should have this fact explained to them while taking their driving tests (just after the parallel park would no doubt be the best time); and
3. Young ladies who get about in slutty little numbers with exposed midriffs, plunging necklines and pash-me-now platform joggers are just asking for a ravaging by a sexual frustrated scorpion fly, I mean man, I mean ‘innocent victim of his biological urges’.

‘Young women need a new kind of education’, Randy and Palmo write. ‘For example, in today’s rape prevention handbooks, women are often told that sexual attractiveness does not influence rapists. That is emphatically not true.’

Presumably, this is one area where the pair cease using scorpion flies as a reference point. Even under nightclub lighting, the female of this species is a distinctly unattractive specimen with very little, if any, similarity to the centrefolds in Tits A Poppin’ magazine.

Then again, maybe the secondary sexual characteristics of lower life forms do it for our American friends. Randy: Christ, Palmo, check out the elongate tubular ovipositor on that. Palmo: Phwoar. I’m gonna take her out the back and give her a dose of social Darwinism she’ll never forget.

A Natural History of Rape will be release in Australia in May. <snip>

Randy and Palmo argue that all men are potential rapists and that rape occurs when male reproductive urges are thwarted. (‘Darwin made me do it, Your Honour ...’) This neatly fails to explain homosexual rape (92,700 men are raped each year in the US alone), the rape of women over and under childbearing age (22 per cent of US rapes involve girls und 12) and the motivation of rapists with partners or rapists who use condoms. But it has guaranteed the pair celebrity status, an inside lane in the talk-show circuit and a shot at the front cover of Time.

Evolutionary psychology, however, has serious PR problems. Its frequent appearance as a defence witness for racism and sexism reeks of self-interest. So men are biologically wired to be promiscuous predators while women are faithful, egg-laying types who are genetically imprinted with nappy-folding techniques and the recipe for bangers and mash? What a terribly convenient theory if you have a penchant for nicking out to ogle strippers instead of doing the washing-up.

In my opinion, comparison with Stone Age citizens should be taken with a cellar of sodium chloride. In case anyone hasn’t noticed, there’s a distinct lack of Neanderthals willing to appear on Oprah to discuss their dating habits. Life has also changed a bit over the past few million years. Whack the average Homo Erectus into 21^st-century surrounding and I reckon he’d spend less time forcibly inseminating young ladies and more time lying in the foetal position screaming for his Nan.

This lack of prehistoric interviewees could explain why deep thinkers such as Randy and Palmo have turned their attention to the animal kingdom. But how well does their Natural Born Rapist theory stand up to serious analysis?

As a lay scientist who once combined sulphur, a can of baked beans and raging immaturity in a beaker to form fart gas, I have thoroughly investigated the scorpion fly in search of further parallels with humanity. And, shockingly enough, it seems Randy and Palmo have overlooked a number of vital differences.

1. Genitalia: the most striking variance between blokes and scorpion flies lies in the trouser region. Male scorpion flies carry their genitalia in an upturned position, which resembles the tail of a scorpion. Human fellas only carry their genitalia in an upturned position for short bursts of time (unless assisted by medication or tight underdaks). I’m also willing to bet that, even when upturned, Randy and Palmo’s flutes do not resemble a bold, pincerous arachnid so much as an agitated earthworm.
2. Eating habits: the staple diet of the scorpion fly consists of insects, carrion and occasionally a car windscreen. They rarely chow down on chops of mash and will only consider a shooner of beer as part of suicide missions.
3. Currency of Affection: scorpion flies woo their mates by coughing up wads of saliva or presenting gifts of decaying bugs. I’m sure you will agree that such behaviour is unlikely to cause a human female to present her elongate tubular ovipositor for a good seeing-to.

Unlike the majority of lads, scorpion flies possess beak-like heads, long fili-form antennae, three pairs of thoracic legs, a direct ancestral link with the flea, and reduced, bristle-like wings for gripping their girlfriends during shagging (pictures of this procedure can be found on porny insect sites on the Internet).

In fact, as far as I can tell, the only real similarity between man and Mecopterans is that both possess biting mouthparts. Unlike Randy and Palmo, however, I suspect the average scorpion fly knows when to keep its silly yap shut.