TARIN: I’m finding myself pretty resentful of having to deal with people who keep being affective, like being in their company or sometimes even imagining them makes me feel contempt, impatient and frustrated which isn’t being at ease and living with people-as-they-are. I’m not sure why I feel so much contempt for them, but I do. I feel like I’m better than them but I’m stuck with them. But when I see people who I feel are better than me, I’m jealous of them, and resent that too. Trying to think of a circumstance to illustrate my point. All right, say I’m with someone who is trying to get me to commiserate with them about something, I don’t want to, not even as a social lubricant which is probably what they’re looking at it as. And I think they might find me removed and aloof or rude and maybe sense some kind of contempt coming from me, the latter of which is probably right, as I would prefer it if they stopped talking such nonsense. Also, I feel pressured to provide the ‘correct response’.

A friend who is also an actualist said its me liking to feel superior to people, and so its my holier-than-thou identity. I suppose I could look at it that way, as that might intellectually make sense, but I don’t really see it.

VINEETO: It seems you have already pointed the finger to the source of the problem. You say – ‘I feel like I’m better than them but I’m stuck with them’.

I remember from my spiritual years how superior I used to feel to everyone else who was not following my master, who portrayed himself as the Best of the Best (and so did all his followers, of course) and how full of compassion, pity and/or contempt I felt for everyone who was not on the same ‘level’, and even more so for those who didn’t even consider joining the club of the chosen few. Consequently I didn’t feel to be well meaning towards ‘the outsiders’ or to treat them as my fellow human beings.

When I came across actualism I had already lost some of my feeling of superiority as I couldn’t help but admit that belonging to this ‘superior’ club did not make me more happy, let alone harmless and in the course of investigating further into my feelings of loyalty to the master and the group I found that the feeling of superiority was a big part of the reason to remain belonging to this particular spiritual group and to follow this particular teaching in the first place.

Later I discovered that wanting to feel superior by belonging to a special group was not only a personal trait but that it is common to all human beings – people feel special for belonging to the ‘chosen people’, the ‘superior race’, following certain political, social or ethical movements, for having an honourable family tree, for being a member of the Lion’s club, a football club, an exclusive circle of friends, for belonging to or being allied with a powerful country, a powerful God, and so on.

However, when practicing actualism, I soon discovered experientially that despite my wanting to feel better than others I was just as bad and as mad as everyone else because just like everyone else I was capable of being madly jealous, viciously enraged, terribly sad, frightened out of my wits, depressed, revengeful, insatiably desirous of certain things and miserably dependant on affection. The admittance that deep down I was driven by the same instinctual passions as everyone else paved the way to my finally deciding to do something about my predicament (the Human Condition) where it really worked – at the very core.

The other comment that I would make is that an investigation of whatever non-felicitous feelings that are causing you to be neither happy nor harmless right now is a matter of feeling the feeling, labelling the feeling and being aware of the particular circumstances that triggered the feeling so as to not have such feelings habitually occur again in the same circumstances. As such this investigation of feelings is experiential – it is not about psychologising your feelings, it is not about laying the blame on particular circumstances or on particular people – the customary automatic knee-jerk reaction which completely misses the point that the only person you can change, and indeed need to change in order for the already, always existing peace on earth to become apparent, is ‘me’.

TARIN: It’s not clicking. the contempt is a gut reaction that happens when I have to interact with someone who’s trying to ‘feel me out’ and I’m not sure it’s a matter of identity but of instinct. a couple times today, examining it, I’ve felt in over my head.

VINEETO: When you practice the actualism method, it’s important to remember to examine the feeling in question only *after* you managed to get back to feeling good which includes, of course, to stop beating yourself up for feeling the particular feeling in the first place else you will deny yourself the opportunity and the right circumstances to discover whatever is lurking underneath the feeling in question, in this case feeling contempt for other people.

From my own experience I can say that however difficult it sometimes seems to penetrate some aspects of my identity or to let go of some precious aspects of my identity, the outcome is always that of relief, lightness and an exuberant joy of being alive – in other words, it’s always well worth the effort.

30.7.2006

TARIN: I was practising Vipassana with the intent to be as happy and harmless as possible while facing the numerous feelings of both hardship and bliss that were revealed by the scrutiny of attentiveness, in order to eliminate those feelings and end up more happy and harmless... and what followed was a period of genuinely feeling really good, and then of naiveté and felicitous sensuousness, and then that resulted in a PCE!

RESPONDENT No 60: Sounds like actualism with your eyes closed!

TARIN: Yeah that’s what I thought too, and it worked.

VINEETO: Given that you have asked for my input let me say that I found it exceedingly useful for clarity’s sake to exactly label what I was feeling and what I was doing. In this case, going by your description you were not doing Vipassana as taught by the authorities in the field but an adaptation that was more like No 60 said, ‘actualism with your eyes closed’ and it had a very different effect than the original Vipassana.

This is not to say that a PCE cannot occur doing the original Vipassana or anything else for that matter – I had a PCE whilst helping in a ‘Fisher-Hoffmann’ emotional release process, during a ‘Who-Am-I’ group, during an Avatar technique session and even during a discourse of Rajneesh, all of which I only recognized as PCEs in hindsight. A PCE, being a glitch in the generally operating control-program of ‘me’, can happen any time in life under the most ordinary or extra-ordinary of circumstances. However, if I want to not only have PCEs occur on a regular basis but also use them as a tool for becoming free from the human condition then it makes sense to stick with the process of actualism so as to avoid slipping into altered states of consciousness or getting hooked on the experience only whilst ignoring the process of becoming increasingly free from malice and sorrow.

*

RESPONDENT No 60: (Or does it have ... ‘spiritual’ ... side-effects in your experience perhaps?)

TARIN: It has in the past, yes. I should point out though that my attitude towards it was different then. I considered the dissociated ‘I’ a stepping-stone toward a PCE. I didn’t recognise the basic, subtle resentful attitude that is in operation often, and so I rarely did anything about it, choosing instead to tranquilise the things it gave rise to… basically, controlling the instincts instead of eliminating them.

On that course, I didn’t notice any spiritual side effects. I haven’t really sat much since because I just haven’t felt like it. My life’s been markedly better than before since I started with actualism in November last year. Sitting does make me feeling good, and I’m thinking of doing it from time to time as a way of giving myself a kick-start and activating delight… but I want to talk to Richard and the gang about it too.

VINEETO: I am not surprised that you ‘haven’t really sat much since’ as I had the same experience. Why waste my time sitting in the corner with my eyes closed when I can instead be out and about enjoying being alive doing everyday things!

Besides, I found that the trouble with wanting to integrate some old (spiritual) practices into the practice of actualism was that this would generally blur the distinction between the spiritual goal of dissociation and transcendence to a higher ‘Self’ on one side and the actualist’s goal of ‘self-immolation or ‘self’-diminishment as in a virtual freedom on the other. And going by my own experience, particularly in the beginning of practicing actualism I needed all the help for clarity that I could give myself.

Two things I particularly remember that helped me ‘kick-start and activating delight’ in the beginning – one was to deliberately change my habit of only being focussed on my plans and worries of the day the moment I awoke, and instead pay attention to my surroundings, the delights of the ever-changing weather and the many little sensate delights whenever they happened. The other was to regularly take time out, look around me, enjoy the weather, notice my fellow human beings, the delightful interactions that do occur and then, especially after an eventful day, put up my feet and contemplate about the specific events of the day, about the human condition in me and the feelings that occurred, why they occurred, and how I could prevent me from getting upset the next time round. Inevitably having worked out some emotional problem that had surfaced in the day would automatically re-activate delight and make me aware of how good life really is when all the petty worries of the day are neatly left behind.

13.8.2006

VINEETO: The reason I said that there is a remarkable difference between *feeling* harmless and actually being harmless is because it is easy to assess one’s happiness by checking if I am feeling happy whereas many people may feel themselves to be harmless when they are not experiencing feelings of aggression or anger against somebody. Yet they are nevertheless causing harm via their thoughtless ‘self’-oriented instinctual feelings and actions, something that all human beings are prone to do unless they become fully aware of their instinctual passions *before* these translate into vibes and/or actions.

It was about a year into my process of actualism when I became aware of how much my outlook on the world and on people had changed in that my cloak of myopic ‘self’-centredness began to lift and I no longer saw the world only ‘my’ way and my judgments and actions no longer revolved around ‘my’ interests, ‘my’ beliefs, ‘my’ ideas, ‘my’ ideals, ‘my’ fears, ‘my’ desires and ‘my’ aversions. Consequently I have learnt to judge harmlessness by the amount of parity and consideration I apply to others whom I come in contact with, both at work and at play, and not by merely feeling myself to be harmless.

TARIN: Can you say more about this? I usually feel harmless but have been thinking lately that I somehow still do harm simply by not paying attention and applying parity and consideration to others with whom I come into contact. How did you do this more and more? And how did you notice that you’re still harming someone even if you don’t have feelings of anger or aggression or the like? And how do you know it’s you harming them? Can you give a few examples? I’m finding it possible to consider this matter more now that I’m happier as its given me breathing room to be less self-centred, but it’s a pretty new subject to me. What keeps your mind on being considerate? Is it just a close scrutiny on the feelings and passions that arise? Are you more perceptive of others because the feelings and passions that are now arising are diminished so you’re naturally more attentive to other things as well, like what’s going on with other people?

VINEETO: Sure. When I met Peter I was full of good intentions to make our living together work, i.e. to be as happy and peaceful as possible, but I had continuous clashes of opinion with him, frustrations of foiled expectation, hurt feelings and revenge of hurtful remarks. I realized that in order to be able live with Peter in peace and harmony I had to sort out a lot – my beliefs, my ‘truths’, my loyalties, my gender ideas, my problems with authority and all other sorts of feelings.

I remember well the first evening when I looked at Peter and saw him as just another human being – not as a partner, a mate, a member of the other gender, a lover, a sexual object, a valuable addition to my circle of friends, and not as someone who would approve or disapprove of me – simple another fellow human being. Suddenly the separation I felt was gone and there was a delicious intimacy, as ‘I’ was no longer attempting to force him to fit into ‘my’ world.

I was astounded and shocked by this experience, being outside of my so familiar ‘self’-centred and ‘self-oriented skin, because I realized that never before, not once in our 3-months acquaintance, had I been able, or even interested, to see him as a person in his own right. I was shocked at how all of my perception and consequently all of my interactions were driven by what *I* wanted, what *I* expected and what *I* believed him to be and how much I was therefore constantly at odds with how he actually was. From then on I paid as much attention as possible to become aware of situations when my feelings, beliefs, expectations and general attitude were standing in the way of recognizing another person, first Peter and later anyone I came in contact with, as equal fellow human beings, as persons in their own right, who live their own life, follow their own goals and aspirations, have their own preferences and tastes, and also, have their own set of morals, ethics and beliefs.

The reason I am telling this story is because this experience was the beginning of a slow and wide-ranging realization that as long as I live in ‘my’ world – made up of ‘my’ worldview, ‘my’ beliefs, opinions, feelings and survival passions – I cannot help but struggle to fit everyone into ‘my’ world, as actors on the stage of ‘my’ play, so to speak, as family and aliens, as friends and enemies, as ‘good people and ‘bad’ people. And not only am ‘I’ busy trying to do this, everyone else – all six billion of us – are equally struggling to fit everyone into ‘their’ world.

It then comes as no surprise that being actually harmless is out of the question – until ‘I’ more and more leave centre-stage, stop resenting being here, stop being stressed, take myself less seriously, take notice of other people the way they are and start enjoying life.

Good hey.

13.8.2006

TARIN: When I was first starting to practise actualism, I was doing something that sounded a lot like what No 00’s describing. basically, figuring out how the instincts work. I was taking my emotional state as a black box and watching very carefully which inputs resulted in what outputs, and further, how some of those outputs had a tendency to make me want certain inputs. I was surprised at some of the results... it turned out that what I wanted was pretty different from what I thought I wanted. the desires for being, power, and sex, and continuity of being (different from just the desire for being, somehow... like a restless drone in the background) lent their influence in so many ways, and apparently, almost always continuously.

I stopped doing it because even though it was fun and there were a couple big break-throughs, eventually I just hit a lot of dead ends. It took more energy than I had to keep doing it, so I lost interest and decided to just pay more attention to sensate experiencing and enjoying myself.

VINEETO: I like your description of the black box of undeterminable feelings. It demonstrates well that when you ‘have’ feelings, as an outsider, so to speak, they remain strange and mysterious. Once I acknowledged that I am my feelings and my feelings are me, then I found myself right in the midst of the ‘black box’ and my feelings became more accessible, more observable, less mysterious and volatile.

21.8.2006

TARIN: You misunderstood. The black box I meant wasn’t one of undeterminable feelings at all. The feelings were undeterminable before, until I started paying attention to how it was actually working (instead of assuming i knew how it worked). That is to say, how ‘I’ work – what inputs cause what outputs, what things happening make me feel certain ways, and what feelings lead to other feelings. This made being ‘me’ very accessible, observable, and less mysterious and volatile… as well as fascinating and fun.

VINEETO: Sorry that I misunderstood your story about the black box of feelings. It is a fascinating thing when one begins to see how the emotional/instinctual mind works, isn’t it.

TARIN: On a sort of side note… eventually the level of interest plateau’d. I think partly because I often want to just veg out a bit. It’s difficult to be switched on all the time... I just don’t have the drive or desire for that. I mean, being in the moment all the time is kind of weird. A lot of what I take for granted being here is absent, and I know from past experience that it’s worth it, but somehow it just doesn’t make the connect a lot.

VINEETO: I understand that well. Particularly in the first years of practicing actualism / attentiveness I wanted ‘time out’ from somehow not being here as the very things I noticed when I did apply attentiveness continually rocked ‘my’ world. But then again I had to understand that the method of actualism is to pay attention to being alive and *only* when I don’t enjoy being here then there is something to look at and to sort out and I came to see that my ambition to speed up the process by looking for problems (and resultant guilt when I didn’t) was only another way of not enjoying being alive. Eventually, the more beliefs/ attitudes/ opinions I questioned and dropped by the wayside, the easier it became to be here instead of retreating into ‘my’ familiar world of dreams and feelings.

TARIN: It’s like I have to step too far out of myself or something, and I’m not always willing to do that. Sometimes, just not as much as I know it’s humanly possible to.

VINEETO: I had two reasons to overcome my innate fear of change and laziness – one was that I wanted to live with Peter in peace and harmony – I had wanted a harmonious relationship with a man all my life – I saw that in order to achieve this goal I had to question all the beliefs that had to do with male-female conditioning (aka the great divide) and with love and authority and I had to look at my spiritual beliefs as well as I would feel continuously irritated and attacked when Peter had another point of view, as I called it then.

The second reason was that having been born soon after the ending of World War II I was socially impregnated with a yearning for peace – not merely the personal (spiritual) peace that ‘passeth all understanding’ but a tangible peace here on earth – and despite years of search for peace in the spiritual arena I was still unsatisfied. When I had my first major PCE I recognized that this was the peace that I had always been looking for and that spurned me on to do whatever I can to come as close to experience it as is possible whilst still a ‘self’.

*

VINEETO: You wrote in another, more recent post –

The reason I reply to correspondence on this mailing list and share my experience with the actualism practice, which often involves correcting misunderstandings and misrepresentations, is that of fellow-ship regard which is different to the feeling of ‘caring, friendliness’ in that it is actual rather than affective.

TARIN: Is it possible to have actual fellowship regard while remanning a feeling being/affective entity? I thought it wasn’t possible… maybe an emulative fellowship regard of an affectively felicitous nature, but an actual one?

VINEETO: When you put it this way, then no, it isn’t possible.

In the context above I was using the word ‘actual’ in the sense of addressing the actual facts of the matter rather than catering to the feelings that persuade my correspondents to write the way they do.

Thanks for pointing that out.

Continued on Web Correspondence, No 14

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Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless

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