Please note that Vineeto’s writings below were written by the feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ while ‘she’ lived in a pragmatic (methodological), still-in-control/same-way-of-being Virtual Freedom.

Vineeto ~ Selected Writings

Ancient Wisdom and the New Dark Age

When I became a disciple of Rajneesh another aspect was added to the search for freedom. Now the idea was to get rid of something called the ‘ego’, the ‘mind’ or the ‘self’, as the solution to whatever was wrong with my life. It seemed to make great sense in the beginning. Here I was with all my conditioning, ideas and experiences, and in order to become free of misery I would have to transcend every manifestation of the ego and then I could live constantly in the land of bliss. And meditation was the ticket and the tool. This was definitely the best on offer up to now! Not just ‘rearranging the furniture on the Titanic’, which was what therapy merely ended up doing, but the promise to get rid of the whole problem, my ‘self’, altogether!

I only had to find out what this ‘self’ consisted of and then turn away and transcend it! But exactly this was the problem. First of all, I could never determine exactly what this ‘self’ consisted of. Secondly I could only turn away temporarily.

Titanic

It was never for good. Problems, feelings and emotions didn’t dissolve; I only occasionally got more ‘distance’ from them. The nice effects of meditation like silence, ease and peace of mind never lasted.

And then there was my devoted and unquestioning relationship to the Master. For me He was the ultimate authority; with sufficient devotion to Him we, his disciples, would achieve enlightenment. For that reason, His wisdom and comments were the only ones I would rely on when looking at issues in my life. What is this ego, what is meditation, how to relate with a boyfriend, how to work, what is it to be a woman or a good seeker? Since I was trying to get rid of my mind, come what may, it meant that I applied the offered advice without question. In doing so, I not only surrendered my will, but also my ability to think for myself! In the end I found that what initially looked like offering freedom from misery had turned into yet another bondage. This I only experienced fully three years after Rajneesh died when I left the commune to live in Australia, outside the familiarity and security of the ashram – ‘in the real world’.

Although I was desperately looking for friends in this new country I nevertheless restricted my close relationships to similarly devoted Rajneeshees. I was, in fact, quite suspicious and afraid of people who were ‘non-believers’. The path to the promised ultimate freedom, to enlightenment, seemed to be becoming narrower and narrower, away from being at ease in the world, from happiness and the physical delights of life. Something didn’t match with how I had imagined my life to be – a life of freedom I had sought on leaving home, all those years ago.

Throughout all these stages in my life, although I was looking for freedom, I always found limitations in the offered solutions. However I could not, nor did I want to, settle for any compromise, for something that did not show success – for anything less than an actual and permanent freedom.

The very first belief I had to get out of the way, before I could even start questioning love, was the Christian virtue of unselfishness. The idea of having to be ‘unselfish’ in order to be considered ‘good’ was causing a lot of confusion in my life. Who was to receive the benefit of my unselfishness? What was the limit? What actually was considered selfish or self-centred? And why was being unselfish so highly valued? Examining my experiences with, and behaviour towards, other people I found that I have always pursued my own goals in life, as I could see everyone else was doing. Whatever my good intentions and considerations for others, there was always an aspect of personal interest involved. Ultimately I had followed the moral of being unselfish and helping other people in order to be accepted and loved, to reach heaven or become enlightened.

Mother Theresa

The other part of the deal was that I in turn expected to be helped should I be in need of support. Recognising the fact that every interaction has ultimately self-interest at its core made it easier for me to throw out this hypocritical idea of having to be unselfish. Now I just find the most sensible way of being happy and harmless which, of course, includes considering everyone who is part of the particular situation.

Some time ago, in a spiritual magazine I read an interview with a woman who, after years of failed relationships, has made celibacy a part of her spiritual practice. In this interview she talked about the ‘freedom’ she now has because she doesn’t have to bother with all the ‘problems’ of being a female: her attractiveness, her female sexual role-play and desire, and the problems of falling in love with their seemingly inevitable bonds and dependencies. I was shocked in disbelief! She actually thinks that by using her willpower and repressing her sexual desire she would gain freedom from her conditioning as a woman. She just cannot see where the problem is! It’s like taking a vow of silence because you stutter! Where is the freedom in this?

Gas pillars

One evening, when talking and musing about the universe, I fully comprehended that this physical universe is actually infinite. The universe being without boundaries or an edge means that it is impossible, practically, for God to exist. In order to have created the universe or to be in control of it God would have to exist outside of it – and there is no outside! This insight hit me like a thunderbolt. My fear of God and of his representatives collapsed and lost its very substance by this obvious realisation. In fact, there can be no one outside of this infinite universe who is pulling the strings of punishment and reward, heaven and hell – or, according to Eastern tradition, granting enlightenment or leaving me with the eternal karma of endless lives in misery. This insight presupposes, of course, that there is no place other than the physical universe, no celestial, mystical realm where gods and ghosts exist. It also implies that there is no life before or after death and that the body simply dies when it dies. I needed quite some courage to face and accept this simple fact – to give up all beliefs in an after-life or a ‘spirit-life’. Photograph courtesy of NASA, Hubblesite

But I could easily observe that as soon as I gave up the idea of any imaginary existence other than the tangible, physical universe, everything, which had seemed so complicated and impossible to understand became graspable, evident, obvious and imminently clear.

After I had seen through the fairy-tale of God and the subsequent power of the authority figures I was finally able to question my relationship with the Master. When Peter and I first met I was firmly rooted in the search for enlightenment, was part of the local community of sannyasins, and in love with Rajneesh. For months this subject was taboo between us and we agreed ‘not to talk about the war’! At the time there were still lots of other interesting issues to explore but the joy and obvious success of examining and eliminating them finally gave me the courage to investigate this stronghold of my last seventeen years. I decided to find out what could lie behind my love, loyalty and devotion for the Master, and what were the evident results and facts of my search for enlightenment.

I had already dismissed the idea that love was a necessary and basic ingredient for a happy relationship with a man – quite the contrary was the case! Now I started to question the idea of higher love and compassion – whether they were values that still had any significance for me on my way to freedom. Given that I had seen through the belief in the ultimate authority of God I could now more easily explore the nature of the bonds with the Master and face the fears which came along with dismantling my relationship with Him – he who claimed to represent the ‘Absolute Truth’ in the spiritual world. I now set out to compare his promised ultimate goal of enlightenment with my already experienced delightful glimpses of freedom.

My only knowledge about enlightenment had consisted either of what I had heard and read from the Master or of the borrowed bliss or ‘energy’ that I felt when sitting devotionally at His feet. He had been ‘big daddy’ for me, he knew what was right and wrong, he told me what to do with my life, where to search and what to find! But then ‘big daddy’ had died and I had not found any tangible evidence of my being closer to enlightenment despite a lot of intent and effort. Also, there existed no consistent pathway or map, which could establish my position relative to the goal. When I noticed that friends were having a harder time to cope with the ‘world’ after long meditations I didn’t know if that was to be considered a success or a failure. After leaving Poona I meditated regularly for two years and tried to really understand Rajneesh’s teachings. However, the hope of finding something worthwhile in my spiritual search started to fade, but because of my life-long habit of blaming myself, I did not dare to question the validity of the teachings themselves. ‘It is only because I am not pushing hard enough, I am not meditating enough, I am too dumb or too lazy’, I thought.

During this psychic experience, I was distinctly aware of my thinking and my journeying in this magical ‘inner’ world. At one stage I even experienced what it is to be mad. I understood the temptation of staying forever in an easy, illusory world of psychedelic wonders, where the mad person is the magician in his own world enjoying the power and safety of his dream. But anybody who dares to question this dream has to be considered a deadly enemy. However, I was always aware that I had the choice to stay in this imaginary world or not.

When I tried to tell Peter about my experiences and insights his simple response gave me quite a shock. ‘But all this is just inside your mind, it is simply your own interpretation, it may appear to be real, but it is not actual.’ Yes, that was true. I could easily see that I was inside the ‘mind’, roaming about in the different chambers of my assembled beliefs-systems, trying to find the one that was ‘right’ and ‘true’ – while in fact, I was just having a little grander and unusually complex perception of this huge labyrinth of thoughts and feelings! I could see more of my ideas or concepts and other people’s ideas, but they were simply ideas. None of them had any relevance to the actuality of the physical world!

In seeing the fact, everything stood still and the whole construct of beliefs suddenly disappeared. Then, for the first time in all my years of the spiritual search, I experienced several hours outside of the ‘psychic world’. Being outside, I could see that this ‘world’ is a huge, all-encompassing construct, created and held in place by the dreams, beliefs, bonds, power-battles, emotions and different spiritual ideas of all of humanity. Everyone is part of it, weaving and reproducing bits of this ‘psychic carpet’. The more people believe in one particular version the more that version becomes ‘real’ or ‘true’. Intuitive or ‘psychic’ people are simply a little better acquainted with the rules and occurrences of this ‘other-world’. It is never actual though, because it relies on constant re-creation through imagination and belief. The moment people cease to believe in a particular religion, idea or value, that very concept eventually disappears from the earth. Actual, on the contrary, is what is already here without anybody applying a feeling, an interpretation, a belief or any other ‘psychic effort’. It is simply here, visual, tangible, audible and tastable.

Market

The next morning, when the effects of the drug had long faded, the understanding of the night before was still vividly present. I clearly remember walking around a crowded out-door market, looking at all the different stalls with people offering their products together with their particular belief-systems, as they tried to convince the customers of the reality of their particular version of ‘truth’. There were all kinds of proposals to find ‘truth’ or meaning, whether religious, spiritual or secular.

Feral feathers and karmic wheels, goddesses and herbs, ways of natural living and an impressive array of spiritual bookstalls, offering a hundred different solutions to life.

Black-boy

Colourful Turks were selling their local hot coffee and delicious cakes; a black boy was playing romantic songs on his guitar, selling them by the hour. He was successful – people bought his dreams, his love songs!

Market

A woman in purple dyed feral clothes was selling self-made dream-catchers, talismans and other symbols of her particular conviction. There were traders of organic vegetables, Indian farmers and food-vans with a wide variety of exotic meals – all served with the conviction of their producer: healthy or hearty, plain or spicy, Italian, Thai or Indian, home-made or magically healing. Hippies from the hills sold their produce along with their dreamy, chaotic life-style; drumming ferals with uncombed tasselled hair presented their life as the most juicy and happy of all.

Ecologists proclaimed that only purely native rainforest trees should be planted to save the environment. Everyone was utterly convinced of what they were offering, complete with their corresponding outfit, make-up, special ‘language’ and music. I was quite taken aback by the enormity of what I saw. Being outside of all those beliefs made me see what they consisted of – merely ideas, thoughts, constructs, dreams and hopes; nothing was factual about any of them.

I went into an exploration of what enlightenment feels from the inside. In all my year of spiritual search I had been vitally interested of what exactly this enlightenment is that I found so desirable at first. I had investigated descriptions from the different ‘holy’ men and spiritual Scriptures, but could never quite grasp this mysterious ‘state of being’. Now it was obvious. The intense pulsing of the heart, the love and compassion for each and everyone, benevolence and concern mixed with the grandeur of ‘Divine Love’ or ‘Universal Love’. It is a very seductive state with this cozy warm sensation filling the whole chest- or heart-area continuously and an utter at-ease-ness, because every aspect of personal concern, ego or identity is non-existent. And there is no doubt, whatsoever. No doubt about any theory or philosophy running in my head as I try and make sense of this new state. In this cock-sure security I could write Scriptures, poems, treatises on each and every spiritual subject, make up an illusory world of heavens, hells and Divine Laws and methods how to get there. As long as I keep the ‘Love’ flowing, there is no fear involved either. I am convinced I found the Truth – if only there wasn’t this nagging concern that maybe I am cheating myself!

I recognize a satisfaction and pride of finally standing equal as a woman besides all those superior men I have aspired to emulate, copy, obey, surrender to or at least understand. Now I know exactly where they are at. Big deal! Seeing the Power and Glory in action and its impact on me I turn away.

This is not the perfection I am searching for, this is not the purity that I know from peak-experiences. As I watch the sky dawn in its wonderful changing colours with life awakening all around, leaves rustling in the wind, cicadas chirping, magpies whistling, fear returns and I welcome it as a sign that I am on the road to freedom again. The delusion of Power and Glory is seen as what it is and disappears while I lie on the couch contemplating life and death and the universe. One great realisation after the other are floating in and out of my head, engulfing me with their convincing web. Suddenly I become aware what is happening. I am a ‘Truth-Production-Machine’! I am producing the ‘Truth of Freedom’ to maintain my ‘Self’. What a bummer! Just call it ‘Freedom’ and make it a spiritual belief-system! Very, very cunning indeed. Back into ‘old time religion’!

We found a book by Bernadette Roberts, a Christian mystic, called ‘What is Self?’ where she talks about no-ego and the no-self, only to describe that after enlightenment she gets even further lost into the fantasy of being one with Christ. And recently, when somebody asked me about Akashic Records, I experienced that bliss-state for about an hour, the state Mrs. Roberts seems to describe in her book. I finally got a grip on it – I could experience it and describe from the ‘outside’ what was happening. This blissful state seems unemotional, no love or compassion is felt in the heart, everything is a cool ‘oneness’. One feels all-pervading, ‘I am everything and everything is me and everything is divine’.

The experience can easily be mistaken as intimacy because the sense of ‘me’ is so expanded across the universe and spread so thin, so to speak, that ‘me’ is hardly noticeable. As ‘I am every thing’, one is of course ‘feeling’ intimate with the TV set or is able to intuit into someone else’s, in this case Mrs. Roberts, religious imaginations. (I had read Bernadette Roberts, a Christian Mystic’s book, ‘What is Self?’ prior to this experience). Fascinating and seductive and very eerie. I think this could be a bit like the parallel universe scientists fantasize about. One then lives in a universe where everything is a virtual replica of the actual, with the glow of divinity, unity and timeless-ness to it – and as it is virtual, it is controlled by the imagination of the one who makes it up. This ‘parallel’ universe ‘feels’ and is ‘imagined’ as intimate or not-separate, and yet it is twice removed from the physical body, the senses, this actual world. This ‘insanity’ of ‘feeling one with everything’ is the barrier that prevents one from experiencing the world as a flesh and blood body, with the senses. Boy, I really understand why these guys are so far out there, lost and locked in an imaginary space that has almost no return-ticket.

But then, you only have to pinch yourself and where it hurts, that’s actual.

It is good not to be trapped by this complete insanity. It is the same type of disassociation that people suffer from that are in an insane asylum. The film ‘Awakening’ depicted some of those people. There was one woman who could not walk to the window because the checker pattern on the floor was interrupted by a black line until the doctor painted the black line into checkers. In her ‘world’ the black line was dangerous. The religious insanity is being locked into another type of fantasy-world, where one isn’t really the body and one’s True Self will be free only after death – it is an altered state of consciousness, forever cut off from common sense.

 

Vineeto’s Selected Writings

Library – Ancient Wisdom and the New Dark Age

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