Please note that Vineeto’s writings below were written by the feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ while ‘she’ lived in a pragmatic (methodological), still-in-control/same-way-of-being Virtual Freedom.

Vineeto ~ Selected Writings

Our Animal Instinctual Passions in the Primitive Brain

Also, after long years of experience living in a partnership with its inevitable power battles, manipulations, frustrations and heartache, I decided that, no matter what, I did not want these battles anymore. Either I could like the man and live with him as he was – or not. But I would not continue my past pattern of blaming the other and trying to change him. This was my dowry for the new adventure.

So we both agreed to look deeply into ourselves, come what may, to remove all that formed a gulf between us– all that prevented intimacy. Together with Peter I have explored what it is to be a human being and what exactly makes me tick as a woman – this program of beliefs and instincts with its resulting feelings and emotions. Along the path to freedom I have evaluated and discarded all of the so-called female attributes and values, which women so proudly claim as their main territory – emotions, feelings, love and intuition. I had been fighting a continuous battle within me and against others as to which is right and which is wrong – the male version of demanding, desiring, rationalizing and displaying emotions or the female version. I have found that both versions are silly, useless and redundant.

The Powerbattle

Women are usually better equipped and more experienced in the ‘psychic world’ of emotions, feelings and intuition, having been trained and conditioned differently than men. Of course, we women use exactly this know-how as our sharpest and most effective weapon to manipulate and control, whinge and whine, scream or sulk, leaving the man baffled and confused as to what exactly he has done wrong.

Also I was usually not able to, or willing to, explain clearly what I was being emotional about. Telling the whole story of my ‘upset’ would take away the mystery that secured my power, and often the man would put down my emotional reaction as inappropriate and irrational, thus adding fuel to the fire. So I wouldn’t talk about the actual issue and consequently didn’t bother to find out for myself what exactly were my emotions and what were the reasons that triggered them.

I can now understand and acknowledge how I had used my psychic and emotional power in all my relationships to win the ‘battle’, if only temporarily, and to take revenge for hurts, disappointments and frustrations.

It was a great step towards an actual freedom and a permanent happiness when I learned for the first time that I could not only explore my emotions to their very core, but actually get rid of them and live without them. But it definitely meant giving up the means of power over men. Since I had already agreed to discard battling as the solution, it was obvious that I had to give up the fight first. If I want peace I can’t wait for the other to start to lay down his arms. This does not work. I have to give up battling because the battle itself is the problem. The solution is not to try and change somebody else, but to look into the very cause of my own unhappiness. Once this condition was understood and agreed upon, we could both cease battling, sit down and talk about any situation that caused disagreement.

Now I would not only ask myself, ‘how do I feel?’ but also question the very necessity of having this feeling. Understanding that emotion itself was a major component of my (female) identity, and of my ‘self’, allowed me to explore what lies behind any upcoming emotion – what thought, what belief, what investment, what instinct. By examining the validity of the underlying cause I was then able to eliminate the subsequent emotions, one by one, including the greatest and holiest of them all: Love itself.

Some time ago, in a spiritual magazine I read an interview with a woman who, after years of failed relationships, has made celibacy and shaving her head a part of her spiritual practice. In this interview she talked about the ‘freedom’ she now has because she doesn’t have to bother with all the ‘problems’ of being a female: her attractiveness, her female sexual role-play and desire, and the problems of falling in love with their seemingly inevitable bonds and dependencies. I was shocked in disbelief! She actually thinks that by using her willpower and repressing her sexual desire she would gain freedom from her conditioning as a woman. She just cannot see where the problem is! It’s like taking a vow of silence because you stutter! Where is the freedom in this? The solution to the problems inherent in being a sexual ‘animal’ for me was not denial, because sex is simply a delicious function of my body. Nothing is wrong with it.

What is wrong is the mental programming of the sexual instinct, which drives me to go out, find a man and get pregnant – and the consequent need to secure the protection of the potential father. Curiously, my decision not to have any children and to be sterilised did not change this underlying instinctual urge at all! In order to control, channel and obscure this instinct in a socially acceptable way, society instilled in me the appropriate morals, beliefs and behaviour of male-female role-play. This merely resulted in seduction, manipulation, denial, guilt and fear of sex, and the ongoing search for the right, appropriate sexual conduct – most of it passed down centuries ago. Looking back on what my idea of a sexual identity consisted of, I found that I had been either too sexual and threatening for men, risking being considered a wild and immoral woman, or on the other hand, I was not ‘open’ and pleasing enough, causing the man to fall short in his idea of the good lover he imagined himself to be.

Seahorses

Digging deeper, stepping outside of the realm of sexual conditioning and beliefs I then discovered their underlying force – the sexual instincts. This inheritance from our animal past is simply installed to blindly ensure the continuity of the species. It has nothing to do with my happiness and inhibits any sensible behaviour. Those blind instincts cause, among other troubles, possessiveness, jealousy, rape, murder and overpopulation. Identified and seen as what they were, these instincts eventually lost their significance and their grip over me. Now I can enjoy the sensibility and pleasure of sex without being driven, free of the need and dependency that used to be the inevitable consequence. I now don’t need to reinforce my female sexual identity or practise my manipulative power over men – hence the need for flirting has disappeared. Relating to men without the restriction of sexual flirtation is indeed a freedom to meet them in a new and fresh way.

Exploring a way no one has ever gone before has been, and still is, immensely scary at times. First the fears had names like ‘I am afraid of losing friends or my job’, ‘I will be lost and lonely when I leave the fold’, ‘I will be persecuted as a traitor’, ‘I will grow into a poor old woman and nobody will take care of me.’ Each time I had to encounter the dominant fear at the time and examine the belief that supported the fear. It always took some effort to not believe in the fear, but to take a closer look. Once the belief behind the fear was identified as just a belief the next thing to do became obvious and easy. I realise that I can easily take care of myself and I am actually safe – nobody is hurting me, I won’t die of hunger or face any other terrible danger.

Eventually those fears are becoming less and the survival instinct itself, the ‘fear of disappearing or dying’ surfaces– quite a serious threat. But it is also the very thing that I am intending to do, to eliminate this ‘self’. I have learned to see that whenever such a fear-attack would rush through me, it was the ‘self’, my identity, which caused the fear in order to re-affirm its existence. I find that I can sit out those fear-attacks on the sidelines, once I recognize them for what they are – simply an emotion or feeling, not a fear produced by an actual danger. Once identified they lose their power and eventually fade, giving way to the direct experience of the world as it is – a marvellous, wonderful and safe place.

 

Vineeto’s Selected Writings

Library – Our Animal Instincts

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