Vineeto ~ Selected Writings

Finally, a minor car-accident shocked my spinning mind to a halt. It was followed by a peak-experience on the same evening that shed some light on my dilemma. Having smoked some marijuana I wandered off into the vast spaces of my imagination, exploring the ‘psychic world’, as I tried to make sense of the diametrically opposed options that had presented themselves in my life.

I seemed to perceive my questions in a wider context and had intense sensations about pains and processes in different parts of my body. Watching the people around me I had a deeper understanding of their behaviour and how they related to each other. I could even see the ‘energy-lines’ between the people relating to each other. Each presented a protective shield of a particular personal image, and this ‘image’ would act and operate, relating to the others while the actual, fearful and aggressive person remained hidden. At the same time that I was watching this I was distinctly aware of my thinking and my journeying in this magical ‘inner’ world.

At one stage I even experienced what it is to be mad. I understood the temptation of staying forever in an easy, illusory world of psychedelic wonders, where the mad person is the magician in his own world enjoying the power and safety of his dream. But anybody who dares to question this dream has to be considered a deadly enemy. However, I was always aware that I had the choice to stay in this imaginary world or not.

When I tried to tell Peter about my experiences and insights his simple response gave me quite a shock. ‘But all this is just inside your mind, it is simply your own interpretation, it may appear to be real, but it is not actual.’ Yes, that was true. I could easily see that I was inside the ‘mind’, roaming about in the different chambers of my assembled beliefs-systems, trying to find the one that was ‘right’ and ‘true’ – while in fact, I was just having a little grander and unusually complex perception of this huge labyrinth of thoughts and feelings! I could see more of my ideas or concepts and other people’s ideas, but they were simply ideas. None of them had any relevance to the actuality of the physical world!

In seeing the fact, everything stood still and the whole construct of beliefs suddenly disappeared. Then, for the first time in all my years of the spiritual search, I experienced several hours outside of the ‘psychic world’. Being outside, I could see that this ‘world’ is a huge, all-encompassing construct, created and held in place by the dreams, beliefs, bonds, power-battles, emotions and different spiritual ideas of all of humanity. Everyone is part of it, weaving and reproducing bits of this ‘psychic carpet’. The more people believe in one particular version the more that version becomes ‘real’ or ‘true’. Intuitive or ‘psychic’ people are simply a little better acquainted with the rules and occurrences of this ‘other-world’. It is never actual though, because it relies on constant re-creation through imagination and belief. The moment people cease to believe in a particular religion, idea or value, that very concept eventually disappears from the earth. Actual, on the contrary, is what is already here without anybody applying a feeling, an interpretation, a belief or any other ‘psychic effort’. It is simply here, visual, tangible, audible and tastable.

That night I had stuck my head beyond the blanket of beliefs – including good and bad, right and wrong, love and evil. In the first moments, with the ‘psychic world’ disappearing, this new place was stark, black, scary, a big hole and a bottomless abyss. Suddenly the ground under my feet wavered as the very existence of beliefs ceased. For a while I was lost, frightened and bewildered.

After a minute or two that appeared to contain an eternity of complex understanding, Peter said to me, ‘Hello, how are you? Good that you are here!’ ‘Here’ obviously meant that there existed a place outside my belief-systems! I turned round, out of my shock and bewilderment, into the actual world, and saw that I was simply sitting on the couch with Peter. Here was someone sitting next to me, another human being, not particularly a man, lover or boyfriend. Just a human being, smiling and pleased to meet me, eager to explore with me the next event in life. He is interested. And I am interested. Who is this person? What will happen next? What will he say next? What will we do next? It is exciting, alive, right here and a great pleasure!

The pure and immediate adventure of experiencing this moment of being alive was so utterly superior to everything I had come across in the name of meditation, bliss or ‘satori’ that it spoke for itself. Being in the actual world, everything is simply obvious, needs no explanation or theory, and contains no emotional memories of any past struggle or fear. There is nothing that blurs or edits the experience of the world around me, which is both wondrous and delightful. Freedom is living each moment as it happens, without any objection. It is not the end-product of years of building up a structured belief-system; it is the opposite – destruction of everything that lies between me and the experience of the actual world. Freedom is simply what is left after I rid myself of every layer of the emotional and instinctual ‘self’, which is the only obstruction to my direct experience of the universe.

Colourful Turks were selling their local hot coffee and delicious cakes; a black boy was playing romantic songs on his guitar, selling them by the hour. He was successful – people bought his dreams, his love songs!

This peak-experience proved to be the most significant turning point in the last turbulent year. It began to dawn on me that perhaps I also had just another belief-system – my particular search for enlightenment with this ‘special’ master and group of people. I could no longer completely deny that possibility. However, it took another two months until I gathered the courage to actually investigate my dearly held conviction. I had already one foot in the actual world while the other foot was still stubbornly trying to march in the direction of the spiritual search. Up to now I had not found a reliable compass to decide the course, but now the very idea of believing anybody else became questionable. I decided that I wanted more of this actual freedom. Now, for a change, I would start relying on facts and actual experiences instead of someone else’s vision or dream.

I needed quite some courage to face and accept this simple fact – to give up all beliefs in an after-life or a ‘spirit-life’. But I could easily observe that as soon as I gave up the idea of any imaginary existence other than the tangible, physical universe, everything, which had seemed so complicated and impossible to understand became graspable, evident, obvious and imminently clear.

When the enormous consequence and implication of slipping out of this insidious belief in any God or Higher Being dawned on me, I was at the same time free of anybody’s authority. I was free of the fear that had been spoiling every relationship with every man in my life: father, brothers, male friends and boyfriends, employers, teachers and Master.

One day, at dusk, I felt the fear approaching again, tensing my back muscles and increasing in intensity like the swelling sound of cicadas in the bush. This time it was warmly welcomed like a longed-for ally, announcing the approaching of my impending destiny. I have no objections whatsoever, no doubts, not even excitement of something going wrong. A delicious complete undivided yes to whatever wants to happen. This is doing what is happening, indistinguishable, without choice, clear and obvious. A wave of gratefulness sweeps over me towards everyone who knowingly and unknowingly has contributed to who I am and what I have become – parents and family, teachers and friends, masters and co-seekers, enemies and lovers. They all had part in the perfecting process of me now standing at the brink of completion.

There are physical sensations of fire and tingling in stomach and back, which slowly fill up the whole chest-area with heart-warming feeling. A wave of greatness overcomes me, compassion for all humankind in general and the few people I know in particular. Fear is constantly transformed into fire that fills the heart, melting the strong tension in chest, back and neck.

A feeling of perfection washes over me. I recognize that the ‘I’ is as perfect as can be and thus has fulfilled its every ambition and longing, every dream and aspiration, every hope and goal, every task and responsibility. It can go off stage now. Now in the face of death the ‘I’ is as perfect as can ever be. Immense joy and glory rush through me as it mutates into a shadowy vague substance, lingering about to record the next events to happen. A curious sensation in the top of the spine of someone snipping through wires, as if severing some information connections.

As I lie and wonder what has happened besides the fairy-tale of glorious emotions I notice that my intent is now replaced by confidence and the faculty of doubt has seized to produce any kind of wobble. Intense fear is still present but accompanied by an all-encompassing confidence that everything is happening perfectly. Nothing can go wrong. But surprise there is for sure!

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