kuba: This is interesting, what you describe is exactly in line with what I have been experiencing for a while now, in varying degrees.

It’s like I will enter this ‘mode’ where I phase in and out of excellence for a few days, when in this mode it seems effortless to allow perfection as soon as I orient myself towards it, but then it’s not 24/7, because even when in that mode I will retreat back into normal for a few hours, when back in normal mode there is very clearly something missing, even when things are ok, that dynamic/magical aspect is not present.

But then when back to excellence, I also find that the only objection I can reduce it all down to is that I am resisting perfection.

It’s an interesting one, how to proceed from this place. Whether it is simply about acclimatising oneself to perfection more and more. I suppose even when squarely back to normal this might be an opportunity to review some of the last objections that ‘I’ have as an identity.

The way I experienced it is like a yo-yo, with ‘me’ as the yo-yo. ‘I’ swing from one side which is squarely in the old paradigm, where ‘I’ as the ‘doer’ am in control etc, then all of a sudden ‘I’ swing to the other side where now the ‘doer’ is out of the way and the ‘beer’ exists in a completely new paradigm.

This new paradigm is dynamic and perfection saturates ‘my’ experience, but still there are other ‘issues’ at hand. Namely overcoming this inherent resistance to allowing perfection more and more, and also remaining in that place indefinitely.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 1 July 2024

kuba: So lately I have been having these relatively frequent flashes of perfection, they always serve as a reminder of what is possible and where I am now in relation to that. A few times recently it happened when I was playing Elden ring, for those who know it’s a pretty difficult game and it can get somewhat tense at times, albeit in a very fun and stimulating way. But nevertheless that undercurrent of stress or tension to whatever degree gets in the way of the possible enjoyment and appreciation.

And so a few times I experienced this flip, from this fun but slightly tense ambience to one of utter perfection. Then the game is just as difficult, but there is only enjoyment and appreciation at the fact that I get to do it all in the first place.

All of sudden nothing matters in the long term, “will that boss kill me and I loose all my runes?” this no longer matters because it is the magical quality of being here in the first place and doing this business called being alive which is precious beyond compare.

When these flashes happen they serve exactly as reminders, it’s like the universe is going “look you have got yourself into a dead-end again, stressing over ‘what will happen’ when this perfection is all there is”.

And I notice it is the same with everything else, I was just studying some BJJ material and the same procedure went on, ‘I’ got all wrapped up in this quest, still fun, still exciting, but some kind of an undercurrent of stress there.

And it’s almost like I don’t realise this undercurrent is there until it is removed completely, then all of a sudden the slate is wiped clean and I am here, having a magical time learning how to choke someone with this new technique.

There is no stress, no concern about ‘what will be’, no need to control anything in relation to some ‘big picture’. And I find I am just as effective at carrying out whatever quest is in front of me, but now there is only enjoyment and appreciation left at getting to do it in the first place.

And it seems it is all related to no longer having a need for this ‘big picture’. This is what allows such enjoyment and appreciation, it is delighting with gay abandon, like Richard wrote – no longer saving myself for some special time or place. It seems the ‘big picture’ is the realm where ‘I’ play out ‘my’ fears and battle for ‘my’ security, and so ‘I’ can never fully enjoy and appreciate being here now.

It’s interesting because as much as the experience of perfection is just as fresh and delightful every time, it has now gone from a ‘wow’ to an ‘of course’. As in of course everything is perfect, of course I know this, of course I am this body, of course ‘I’ am but a phantom.

I went to the shops this morning to buy some tobacco and walking back to the car ‘my’ very core faded back for some time, again it was utterly delightful but there was this ‘of course’ more than the ‘wow’ dominating the scene.

It was a very smooth and stable experience, it was the simple joy of being a body, unencumbered by any ‘being’ inside. Then from that position of being utterly unencumbered anything and everything could be delighted in, non-stop. Rather than some blissful state it is a freedom to delight, as in now that the shackles are off I am free to delight. It is such a silent contentment also, not something that I would need to shout from the rooftops, but rather this perennial contentment at being alive.

Driving home I was still very much in a magical land but with ‘me’ kind of phasing in and out. I remember looking around at the colours, it has been raining here recently and the grass near the road was such a deep and lush green, it was like the whole world was an oil painting. But again there was this sense of ‘of course’, as in of course only the sensate world genuinely exists, of course all of this is actually here.

It is so funny that now this seesaw is constantly going, I’m constantly zipping from ‘you gotta stress about the big picture!’ to ‘oh man there is only enjoyment and appreciation left’. It’s like an instant shift where what ultimately matters shifts from that which is ‘out there’ to that which is immediate. The funny bit is that they are both kind of fighting it out for primacy. There is this pull towards investing in something ‘out there’, some thing which promises eternity, and then there is the pull into a world where the immediate is the ultimate. It’s like a battle between instinctual security seeking on one hand and delighting with gay abandon on the other.

So the question seems simple and right in front of me. Do ‘I’ allow this body to delight with gay abandon, to only enjoy and appreciate this magical world OR do ‘I’ choose to continue carrying the burden of ‘being’ and for what? What objection do ‘I’ still have which keeps ‘me’ carrying the burden? Like Claudiu wrote, where I am experiencing from right now the only objection seems that it feels dangerous to proceed into perfection, it is not a specific thing but rather the very force of ‘my’ being.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 3 July 2024

kuba: What seems different lately is that I seem to have a very good grasp of the nature of what I am going for. This is somewhat entailed in this ‘of course’ sense in which actuality is being glanced. It seems very obvious now, things are coming together experientially. As in I understand what being an identity is all about and I also have a clear grasp of what it means to exist as a body only.

There is this sensate world which actually exists and in which this body exists and there is the world of calenture that ‘I’ exist in. The distance which needs to be bridged is so minuscule, in fact it does not actually exist at all.

Actuality is all that exists and it is not so weird either, as in it could not be any other way, hence when ‘I’ fade back there is this sense of ‘of course’. Just past this thin veil of ‘me’ is this enormous stillness, like a hush that is all around, and everything exists within/is supported by this stillness. ‘I’ resist the movement into this stillness because in there there is no longer any space for ‘me’, ‘I’ no longer have agency in that place.

Allowing this body to exist in actuality means ‘I’ relinquish any control/agency. I think part of the problem is that ‘I’ confuse agency for will. As in ‘I’ feel that once ‘I’ relinquish control there will be some kind of a zombie left behind. Like this body will become a leaf blowing in the wind, so ‘I’ desperately try to remain in control, to steer it towards safety it seems?

It’s like once ‘I’ take ‘my’ foot off the break pedal there will be a motion that ‘I’ am no longer able to control, which is to say life will live itself. It does feel like boarding on a train that continues to speed up and cannot ever be slowed down again. Yet a lack of agency does not mean absence of will, life living itself does not mean life living itself blindly.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 3 July 2024

kuba: Ah yes that is great advice, because this is exactly what I have been doing, as soon as I get to that point I’m screaming “ok now, you gotta do it now!” Haha.

So this is something that I was considering a while ago, to get to a point where I can be in that ‘inbetween place’ more or less all the time. And by ‘inbetween place’ I mean this dynamic state where ‘I’ am no longer in stark reality and yet it is not all the way through to actuality either, it’s like I am on the cusp of actuality at all times, it’s all around and yet there is this tiniest/flimsiest bit in the way. So the goal would be to accustom myself to remain there, that seems doable.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 3 July 2024

kuba: And remaining in that ‘inbetween place’ is the same as saying allowing pure intent to dynamically work. Which once committed to fully becomes an out from control virtual freedom.

So first accustom and then dare to commit fully. Claudiu man I’m gonna be nipping at your heels soon!

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 3 July 2024

kuba: So this is what I have been doing and this is what has been happening I woke up this morning and realised that I spent most of yesterday aware of this magical quality that is all around (in varying degrees) and then I was delighted to wake up this morning with this quality still all around. Last night before going to bed I briefly dipped back into ‘normal’ but upon realising it I was able to simply steer the course back towards the magical aspect.

There is something that I was contemplating yesterday which has been helping me to remain in this magical place, it relates to the realisation that I am already not in control. The way I experience it is that this game of control is as if I am holding a bunch of sand and letting it slip through the hands. Now even if I knew the exact number of grains contained to begin with and the number slipping away, the very second ‘I’ go to announce how many remain, the number has already shifted.

I find life is the same, as in there is this infinite number of infinitely intricate cogs which are constantly turning. And here ‘I’ am announcing a plan, ‘I’ am taking a snapshot of life and from this snapshot planning out what will happen in the next moment. And of course this never works as ‘I’ am out of time. The outcome is some desperate game of trying to make life fit ‘my’ demands, a game that is ultimately always painful.

Seeing this fully ‘I’ can no longer justify remaining in control, then there is just this wondrous awareness of life as it happens now.

It seems now it is about committing to remaining in this place come what may OR returning immediately the second ‘I’ go back to ‘my’ old ways. But this is getting easier and easier because why would I want to go ‘back there’, it is painful and it is mad ‘back there’, and here all is magical.

Yesterday I was doing my hen party jobs all day, now those have always been notoriously difficult with regards to not going back into ‘my’ shell. It’s things like – I am technically at work, that I am going to meet strangers, that I cannot predict what the group will be like, that I am having to provide a performance, that I am naked in front of a bunch of women! ? etc. So many variables that would scream for ‘me’ to retain control.

But yesterday I was able to remain in this magical place whilst doing the jobs, this is something quite new for me. And so now I have the confidence that if I could do it then, I can do it come what may.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 7 July 2024

kuba: This has also been my experience with some of the last dramas which have been tying ‘me’ together. They are still there to some degree but somehow they have lost their sting. For example this morning with it being Monday I woke up with some of that familiar feeling of resentment around work. But there was 2 important differences. One was that I have already committed to no longer going back to ‘normal’ and the second was that this drama was merely a shadow of its former self because of the perfection and purity that is accessible all around.

It’s like the perfection and purity, once committed to, makes the rest ‘my’ dramas redundant. So it seems then it is a case of allowing ‘myself’ to continue being unraveled in this way.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 8 July 2024

kuba: Actually it’s interesting to contemplate what it means to go back to ‘normal’. I can experientially tell the difference very easily, it is very clear that when back to ‘normal’ I am in some kind of a ‘cell’ of ‘my’ own making, the very structure of the ‘cell’ is what creates the unbearable feeling of separation that epitomises being a ‘self’.

But when allowing perfection and purity it’s as if those boundaries of the ‘cell’ have disappeared and now ‘I’ am still here, situated still in the ‘centre’ but all around is perfection and purity. Which means that ‘I’ am being actively worked on by this perfection and purity, like ‘I’ have allowed it to peek through into ‘my’ core.

When I consider this it makes sense to me what an out from control virtual freedom is about, it is the abeyance of the ‘doer’ (that very ‘cell’) and now the ‘beer’ (the remaining ‘centre’) is left freely exposed for the perfection and purity to dynamically do it’s thing.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 8 July 2024

Torch bearer

kuba: Vineeto, I read your reply to James whilst bearing in mind that what you are describing (the Actualism method) is something completely new, as in it is not some re-arrangement of the ‘tried and true’ ways, and it clicked.

It starts with the realisation that this moment which is happening now is my only moment of being alive, and it is never not this moment, furthermore it’s the realisation that this moment is actually happening, this business called being alive is actually taking place now.

So bearing the above in mind it is always silly to feel bad because of X, because I am wasting a precious opportunity to enjoy and appreciate life now, and as it is never any other time than now, I am wasting this precious opportunity for nothing.

Kuba, DAO: Torch bearer, 14 July 2024

kuba: Actually considering this further there is also something to the fact that I am wasting this moment of being alive *which is of a finite supply* that highlights the silliness of feeling bad and also just how precious this moment of being alive is.

This is interesting to contemplate in light of mortality, I remember Richard writing that he would not change 1 little bit about this universe. Is it that mortality (a limited supply of time that one can experience being alive) is a key component to this precious aspect?

Kuba, DAO: Torch bearer, 14 July 2024

kuba: I guess it is somewhat funny that ‘I’ can feel resentful towards this universe for the fact of mortality, for not ‘getting enough time’ and yet ‘I’ am busy wasting each moment anyways.

Furthermore it is this fact of mortality which makes life precious anyways, so what is it that ‘I’ am asking for? An eternity to suffer?

I find this whole thing quite fascinating, what is kind of hanging in front of me now is – is it that mortality is actually a gift and not a curse?

Is it that a benevolent universe is set up exactly in this way as to provide intrinsic meaning to being alive, including this crucial component of mortality?

Kuba, DAO: Torch bearer, 14 July 2024

Torch bearer

kuba: Ah yes this makes complete sense! When I read this it clicked in such an obvious, in my face kind of way, as in of course it couldn’t be any other way. It is very freeing to see the full picture in this way because then it is no longer possible to have any resentment towards this universe.

Then all the affective energy that was previously spent on resentment can be turned in towards enjoyment and appreciation, and then further into wonder and amazement, until all starts to become magical, and this is exactly what has been happening this morning.

Kuba, DAO: Torch bearer, 15 July 2024

This moment has no duration

kuba: Something clicked here that I keep coming back to, that *the doors are already wide open*, with that magical wonderland right at the fingertips. It’s as if the belief that ‘you can’t change human nature’ has it that the cage is locked, and the key has been thrown out.

But this is not so, it is just that in order to step out of the cage ‘I’ have to leave ‘myself’ behind, and ‘I’ remain in the cage (the doorless cage mind you) because of the safety that it seemingly offers.

This ‘safety that it seemingly offers’ is expressed as those last remaining objections which ‘I’ have, those last few dramas that constitute ‘me’. What I am wondering is whether it is about first going after those last few dramas until they too dissolve or do ‘I’ simply proceed to step out of the cage now, with the dissolution of those last dramas coinciding with the dissolution of ‘me’, it seems it is about the latter.

I am reminded of what you wrote here –

kuba: Those ‘last remaining cobwebs’ is exactly how I would describe those remaining dramas, it seems ‘I’ am only holding onto what’s left of them in order to block the momentum that would otherwise follow. This is the tricky part, proceeding without knowing with certainty what the destination is like, it’s stepping into the unknowable. It seems ‘I’ am instead searching for 100% certainty before ‘I’ dare to step out of the cage, which is of course an impossibility as this can only be had upon actual freedom.

Kuba, DAO: This moment has no duration, 19 July 2024

kuba: Yes thank you Vineeto it seems you stopped me right in the tracks of a habit of mine – of hanging back in the ‘normal’ and from there trying to throw some kind of a Hail Mary towards actual freedom. It never works because the distance is too great and from that ‘normal’ place ‘I’ am not advised by the perfection and purity, instead ‘I’ resort to theories. It’s like ‘I’ am hanging out in the cage (with the doors wide open) whilst coming up with the next ‘great escape plan’ .

It is becoming clear to me that going out-from-control is the next step, in fact I have been hanging out on the edge of this decision for a long time. Now is a great time to do it, with Claudiu having already gone ahead and done it anyways, which I am full of admiration for.

What I have been doing is setting the intent to continue allowing the perfection and purity each moment again come what may, committing to having that golden clew active at all times, with each instance of the connection being severed being treated as a flashing red light in the same way I would with a diminution into feeling bad.

It is exhilarating to commit in such a way, this is going further than I would usually allow myself to, and some more, the rewards are certainly worth the effort though.

Last night I was watching a random YouTube video which was showing the latest high resolution pictures of mars and comparing it with earth. Usually watching astronomy videos ‘I’ feel somewhat alien, alone, small, in danger etc. Essentially there is that backdrop of the existential angst of being a ‘self’.

This time it was different, I saw that there is no outside to this universe, that I as this body am not separate from it, and then looking at the pictures of the earth I was able to fully appreciate the wonder and magic of it all.

That this enormous and infinitely complex universe even exists in the first place, and further that it has arranged itself into the azure planet called earth, and further that this planet is teeming with life, and further that from all of this a thinking and reflective creature was born, and further that as this creature the universe is able to experience itself – WOW.

I realise that all of the above is this body’s and every body’s birthright, and this brings a depth to the words “fellow human being” which I can’t quite put into words.

Kuba, DAO: This moment has no duration, 21 July 2024

kuba: And this is excellent to read too because that experience (of actuality being human kind’s birthright) although temporary for me, was of something so very precious, to have confirmation that what I glimpsed is your ongoing experience and furthermore that it is the correct target, is great.

Kuba, DAO: This moment has no duration, 21 July 2024

kuba: So things are getting pretty incredible lately, I have been thinking how to summarise where I am finding myself and Peter’s description in the ‘actualist guide’ fits pretty well:

kuba: As I write this now there is this incredibly juicy sensate world all around, the past and the future are virtually gone, without the emotional backing they cannot hold sway.

I find I am able to explore various aspects of the instinctual programming with a clarity that I did not have before, it’s as if the human condition is all out in the open around me, I am able to sensibly observe it and contemplate it with a fascinated attention.

There is still a quality of things waxing and waning though, I find I can broadly categorise 3 states I find ‘myself’ in:

1. Is best described by what Devika wrote in Richard’s Journal, that ‘my’ state of ‘being’ is virtually comparable to the ambience of the PCE. This is the cutting edge of things and it’s very incredible.
2. Is when I find that there is still perfection and purity all around but I can locate ‘myself’ palpably in the centre as a ball of affect. This is not quite a flashing red light yet because pure intent is still dynamically working away.
3. Is when I find that the emotion has infiltrated ‘my’ experience to such an extent where the ‘self’ centred-thinking is dominating, where the past and the future hold sway once more, where ‘I’ am trying to regain control – This is certainly a flashing red light and the goal has been to get out of that dead end ASAP.

It is simple on one hand because all it takes is to continue allowing the perfection and purity, but at the same time this takes a certain amount of daring, over and over and then some more.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 23 July 2024

kuba: This is so great! I have also done the same thing, appreciation was seen as just a word that happened to follow enjoyment. This makes complete sense now though, and experientially I can confirm that with appreciation the level of enjoyment can increase exponentially, both in scope and depth.

It’s almost like I have a new toy to play with now, and as this appreciative enjoyment increases it then morphs into marvelling and wonderment and then things get so fun. It is also handy that I can consciously set my intent towards appreciating, and from there it seems there in no cap on how wonderful things can get.

The other interesting thing is that the difference between appreciation and gratitude is clear as day.

Kuba, DAO: James’ Journal, 25 July 2024

kuba: Claudiu, that’s interesting because I have been approaching this from a different angle altogether, it seems so at least.

To summarise, the target of appreciation has been the world of people, things and events, not feeling good specifically.

The focus on appreciation started when Vineeto urged us to turn any sadness surrounding Richard’s death into appreciation for his life and his words. Then further to allow this appreciation to ‘spill over’ into appreciating this wonderful universe which exists all around, including the natural world and one’s fellow human beings.

And doing so is what increases both the scope and the depth of enjoyment, it’s essentially assessing the true worth of what this universe is like and what it means to be alive.

Kuba, DAO: James’ Journal, 26 July 2024

kuba: So I wrote recently that I would be nipping at your heels soon Claudiu and it appears this is exactly what I did

I’m still being careful before making definitive claims but especially noticeably in the past 2 days there is a momentum which has begun that is not of ‘my’ doing.

Noticing my experience the label which fits the most precisely is exactly that of an ongoing and dynamic excellence experience. I was going to write this yesterday but I wanted to see what it would be like when I wake up, and it’s still exactly the same.

There are times when some emotion comes up and I think, “ok I am still normal” but then I realise that I don’t have any breaks to put on, I don’t have a way to stop the perfection and purity permeating into the centre that is ‘me’.

I noticed this yesterday driving to my hen party jobs and it was a very precious experience, noticing that the breaks no longer work was the culmination of a lifetime of dedication. ‘I’ was stuck in that cage of ‘my’ own making, carrying the burden of being an identity for so many years. And it’s a funny situation because deep down ‘I’ yearn to be free of this burden and yet it is ‘me’ who stubbornly refused to step out of the cage. Knowing that the breaks no longer work allowed ‘me’ for the first time in so long to say a resounding YES! To being alive, what ‘I’ secretly wanted all along.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 28 July 2024

kuba: Yes thank you Vineeto It’s interesting because I have tried to put the breaks on multiple times this morning, to see if it is possible. I can go to ‘my’ most cherished themes, the ones that ‘I’ would usually get stuck in, but it’s like trying to hold sand through my hands. There is still this background expectation that something could ‘stick’ but so far no.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 28 July 2024

kuba: So yesterday I understood this intellectually, today I had a glimpse of what this is referring to, that at the end of the ride there is no ‘me’ left, and that is a wonderful thing!

It happened as I was considering my current working situation, that I am cutting down hours from my employed work and slowly moving towards making a living teaching BJJ.

I can sum it up by what Geoffrey mentioned in a zoom chat a while ago – ‘you’ are trying to plan for a situation where ‘you’ will not exist, and indeed that is the case haha. Where life lives itself there is nothing of ‘me’ left, and in fact ‘I’ am not needed at all.

It’s so incredible as Claudiu wrote that I can explore all manner of things and still have this background of perfection and purity which it seems never goes away.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 29 July 2024

kuba: I have been having a lot of fun investigating the human condition recently… I remember the other day watching my dog poncho as he was trying to dig himself the perfect lair inside of my hoodie, of course he just ended up scratching the thing for ages without achieving much He is simply programmed by blind nature to perform certain actions, now this programming did not develop in houses with sofas and hoodies and so the behaviour misses the mark.

But this is exactly how I see the human condition these days, and it’s fascinating just how much of human behaviour, of all the stuff that is going on is happing in this very same manner. The social arises directly out of the instinctual and is part of the same package. All of those ‘human dramas’ are merely refinements of the crude instinctual programming that one can observe in animals.

The fascinating thing is that the entire world seems to be completely blind to this, it is as if this is secret knowledge. I can go on social media and I see post after post displaying the same core instinctual behaviours merely refined into what appears to be some ‘human wisdom’ and then argued over back and forth.

I am just watching a podcast with Richard Dawkins and he is still looking for the origin of the universe, he is still sneaking in the idea of design, essentially he is still looking at the universe through the ‘human lens’, which itself is rooted in the crude instinctual programming.

It is very clear that as human beings now we are still crippled by the instincts flowing from our animal heritage and the extent of this seems to be impossible to grasp unless one is able to access something outside of ‘humanity’, to look from a vantage point that is outside all of that.

This is why very intelligent people still end up falling for the very same illusions, and even worse they have the brain power to refine these into much more troublesome machinations. It is quite mind blowing the extent to which all of ‘my’ behaviour, and therefore all of ‘human’ behaviour is simply blind instinctual programming in operation.

Once this is seen it makes complete sense why you cannot combat the wisdom of the real world, because the one being spoken with can only bounce from one piece of programming to the other, and they are completely blind to this unless they can view from a vantage point which exists outside of the programming altogether.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 31 July 2024

kuba: Further on this explains why it is impossible to effect any genuine change by appealing to any piece of that programming, which is to say that the only way is for individual human beings to eradicate the human condition within themselves.

Otherwise it is truly the blind leading the blind and to an extent that is rather mind blowing. It’s fascinating to contemplate that who ‘I’ am as an identity *is* this very programming. There is no differentiation between ‘me’ and this programming that I am observing all around.

Normally ‘I’ would fancy ‘myself’ as someone special, ‘I’ would dissociate from ‘my’ roots and become an individual ‘I’ which is separate from ‘humanity’, and thus ‘my’ cage is created. As Devika wrote ‘I’ live in ‘my’ splendid isolation.

It’s interesting that lately there is a noticeable lack of self-centricity, as in ‘I’ no longer have ‘my’ splendid isolation, now ‘I’ can be seen clearly.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 31 July 2024

kuba: Actually I may be incorrect here as there is 1 piece of that programming which will get the job done and that is ‘my’ altruistic self-immolation.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 31 July 2024