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Kuba’s Reports about Not QuiteBeing Out-from-Control in a Different Way of Being
KUBA: So I have been looking at what is standing in the way of allowing naïveté fully - a different way of being, with the doer abeyant and the beer ascendant. (…) It is clear why stepping out from control is the beginning of the actualism process, it’s
taking out those last pins which are actively maintaining ‘me’ as an identity, and it is ‘me’ who willingly
sets it in motion! Currently I can see those last pins still in place haha CLAUDIU: I experience things similarly where there are these temporary yet quite wondrous lengths of time, often a day or two, where pure intent is constantly palpable at the forefront, and everything is simply outstanding. Life is intrinsically wonderful, and even the perspective experience from there is a very perspicacious one where even the feeling of being self-centered in and of itself just seems utterly pointless. Like, what? There is no point of being self-centered. So read this post of mine more as some kind of a musing rather than “ah it is exactly this
and I know exactly what I’m gonna do now”.
KUBA: Hi Claudiu, Thanks for your report! CLAUDIU: So read this post of mine more as some kind of a musing rather than “ah it is exactly this and I know exactly what I’m gonna do now” . KUBA: Yes I think the time of maps and recipes is over for us both by now haha.
KUBA: I am seeing all this more clearly now, also I see where I have been going wrong in the past. The words “taking ‘myself’ into actuality” really summarise what ‘I’ had been doing. It’s all in the distinction between self-enhancing/maintaining and self-diminishing. Back around the time of the fake out from control ‘I’ kept ‘myself’ intact, do-er and all, and then tried to shove this package into some manufactured, new state of ‘being’, that is the wrong direction, this is all self-enhancing/maintaining. Just like actual freedom is a description of the condition which ensues when ‘I’ am eradicated, out from control is the description of the state which ensues when the do-er is abeyant. Meaning that both descriptions are referring to what happens when something is removed/out of the way, not when the already existing package is kept intact and taken into something more. And no wonder I was experiencing such intense resistance.I can write this confidently now because I can experience what happens when for a period of time ‘I’ become somewhat diluted/irrelevant, then it is seen that ‘I’ have arrogated ‘myself’ over life with disastrous consequences, and then when this is seen all of a sudden everything is already in it’s rightful place. Then it is seen that it was ‘my’ absence/diminishment which was needed in order to reveal the perfection and purity which was already actual all this time. And this is so much easier in that sense, because in the past ‘I’ took on the impossible task of trying to match actuality, as ‘I’ was trying to shove ‘myself’ in there, this took enormous and ongoing effort, in that sudorific sense, and anyways ‘I’ failed every-time. But actually none of that was ever needed. So what I am experiencing is exactly that sense of ‘me’ initially doing ‘my’ normal order of operations, control and all, and then it’s like everything stops as ‘I’ realise that once again ‘I’ am simply arrogating ‘myself’ over life, that this is not needed, it’s this extra thing that does nobody any favours. But then I have been thinking, the way Richard described ‘my’ self-immolation, that after the fact one (as a flesh and blood body) can know that ‘I’ never actually existed in the first place, and yet for ‘me’ it is a death which is as real as it gets. And it seems similar with this issue of control, in that for ‘me’ as the do-er ‘my’ control is very real, ‘I’ cannot abandon control by merely adopting a belief that says “‘I’ was never really in control”, this would be more like some buddhistic thing, it’s self deception. Rather it is only when ‘I’ have already allowed life to happen of its own accord that ‘I’ can then look back and see that none of that activity was ever needed, but the do-er cannot know this from behind ‘his’ throne, it is only known when the do-er has already got out of the way, willingly. Although these descriptions are still only temporary excursions, this is not the actualism process having been set in motion.
VINEETO: Give yourself permission to give up all responsibility and
all struggle. As Richard says to ‘Vineeto’ in the Out-from-Control video: “I have no responsibility”. KUBA: I have had this as a running thread each moment again for the past couple of days. There has been daring and there has been habituation. To use the metaphor of the cave again, it’s peeking out the cave where there is sun shining and the birds are singing, initially there is the daring needed – “can I step out?, is it safe?” etc, and then I step out anyways and there is that “fresh summer breeze” and all is well. And then some time down the line it is as if I have been teleported back to the cave, I notice something missing, but then I remember that the exit is right in front of me and that I can once more step out – that’s the habituation. It’s been quite amusing how this has been playing out in practice too. For example the other day I noticed the kitchen and living room were a bit of a mess, and I tend to like to keep the house tidy. At that time I could not distinguish if this was a preference or a passionate drive. But I could tell that I felt it as a responsibility and something that ‘I’ had to ‘do’ in that “carrying the burden” way. The initial response when considering a different course of action was of course jumping to it’s opposite, that if ‘I’ don’t ‘do’ it then ‘I’ will end up living in squalor etc But then I thought well that is a risk I am willing to take! And sure enough about 30minutes later after I was done cooking for me and Sonya I noticed that the kitchen was clean, of course I was the one that did the cleaning but the ‘doer’ had no part, it took no effort. Also something changed recently and I can only pin point it to having now left behind whatever remnants of the spiritual viewpoint. Even the words that you write to me, they make sense like never before, in a matter of fact, down to earth way. And indeed I was up until recently viewing actualism and actual freedom through a spiritual lens. I am pretty surprised to write this, because for years I thought that was all done and dusted! And yet I still saw actual freedom as another state of ‘being’, I no longer do and I think this is the core reason for the change. Which also means that my compass is now oriented towards the correct direction, which is here on earth. And all this is kind of weird, in a mind-boggling way. It reminds me of what Richard wrote that
once actually free he saw that he had been here all this time simply having a ball. I can kind of see this, that on
one hand ‘I’ am carrying ‘my’ burden and yet there is everything already happening of it’s own accord in
actuality… Also those words “cause and effect was left behind in the land of lament”, that keeps coming up
too when I am having these experiences.
KUBA: And all this is kind of weird, in a mind-boggling
way. It reminds me of what Richard wrote that once actually free he saw that he had been here all this time simply
having a ball. I can kind of see this, that on one hand ‘I’ am carrying ‘my’ burden and yet there is
everything already happening of its own accord in actuality… Also those words “cause and effect was left behind
in the land of lament”, that keeps coming up too when I am having these experiences. VINEETO: I think you inadvertently slipped into Zen spirituality and/or Quantum theory –
cause and effect is operating perfectly here in the actual world. What disappears is the imaginary ‘logic’ of the
spiritual imaginary realm and the supposed ‘logic’ of Quantum theory of the equally imaginary realm, together with
the various narratives/ scams spawned from that. KUBA: This is the quote I was referring to:
And I was thinking about this yesterday, and it seems it is to do with time as it happens in actuality, in that all events only take place now. So as the ‘do-er’ “cause and effect” happens across the present-future continuum. In that as the ‘do-er’ ‘I’ set a plan in motion which will apparently ensure an outcome in the future. Like with the dishes, ‘I’ decide ‘I’ will ‘do’ it in the present and then ‘I’ have a distance to cross until the resolution in the future - that is the ‘weight’ of the burden. And yet when ‘I’ as the ‘do-er’ step aside ‘I’ notice that it all happens now, there is no distance to cross hence there is no burden to carry. Of course effects are being caused by actions otherwise nothing would ever happen haha but it’s more that there is no distance between now and then to travel. Does that make any more sense without Zen spirituality/ quantum theory? Essentially it is that for the ‘do-er’ the cause is what ‘I’ ‘do’ in the present and the effect is what ‘I’ hope for in the future. And in fact this feature is what I have been the most fascinated about, that it all happens now and so ‘I’ am not needed to be ‘doing’ life, it is already happening. Perhaps it is correct to say that in actuality both cause and effect happen now, whereas in reality there is a ‘lag’, this ‘lag’ is the burden that ‘I’ carry as the ‘do-er’, it takes effort for ‘me’ to continually cross that distance. The way I have been experiencing it today is rather fascinating, in that as soon as ‘I’ begin
to engage in that - let’s say “cause then effect” manner, there is the experience of
things already happening, and so that whole mechanism of ‘me’ moving from ‘here’ to ‘there’ becomes still
born. This is like the end of ‘my’ control, as ‘my’ control has no relevance where this moment is already
happening. It’s the experience of shifting from existing out of time to being locked securely in time. And it is
indeed the case that cause and effect happen simultaneously in actuality, it cannot be any other way! My hands are
causing these words to be typed out but there is no separation between the cause happening (fingers doing the typing)
and the event taking place (the words being typed out), it all happens now. Whereas in reality it all happens in separate ‘periods’ of time.
KUBA: Concurrent with all the stuff I wrote about above (which got rather convoluted in the
end) I have been having such a superb time being here. I woke up today with that “pressure in the nape of the neck”
thing and usually I know that something interesting is imminent when this happens. I haven’t done anything special
today, just running various errands etc But constantly I have been amazed at the mirificence all-around. The weather
has changed recently here in the UK too and I find the sun and the longer days have done their part in inviting me to
come out and play. It’s so spectacular when it is like this, it’s the world becoming a sparkling jewel again, I
have to specifically focus to find some dirt which still exists of ‘me’, otherwise all is clean and vibrant. When
I parked up at the shops and got out the car some 30 minutes ago, it all hit me at once haha! In particular at that
moment it was all this wonderful stuff being apperceived with stillness as the backdrop to it all, spectacular!
VINEETO to Andrew: Peter called his journal “Freedom … another word for nothing
left to lose …” (paraphrasing from an old Janis Joplin song). It fits, doesn’t it? KUBA: This stood out to me yesterday and has been on my mind since. Indeed Peter was correct when he named his journal, freedom is when there is nothing left to lose i.e. when ‘I’ have given up all of ‘me’ so that there is nothing left to protect or fight for. Waking up today this flavour that I experienced yesterday is still present, this quote from Geoffrey summarises it well :
That last bit is particularly wonderful to me, it’s this sense of being ‘lost’ in this eternal moment. ‘Lost’ is an unusual word to use in the context I mean but it is not negative, it’s where ‘my’ frames of reference between ‘here’ and ‘there’, ‘now’ and ‘then’ no longer apply, it’s a very wonderful thing to be ‘lost’ in this manner. So the wide and wondrous path is an incremental freedom, of progressively having less and less to lose until ‘I’ am enticed enough to give up all of ‘me’. That is what caught my attention when contemplating Peter’s words, that indeed freedom is having nothing left to lose, which means that the way to an actual freedom is by ‘my’ extinction, that is the way. It is quite a peculiar situation, to be looking at the door marked “extinction” and to
be enticed to walk towards it, that this is what ‘I’ want. It’s been a very potent question to continually ask
myself, what do ‘I’ still have left to loose? Whilst holding in mind the fact that it is precisely that which ‘I’
have to loose which is the reason for suffering.
VINEETO: Can you tell if the way you experience its flavour is similar to experiencing pure intent such as a sweet longing? Can you utilise this “powerful passionate” energy to have sexual
intimacy with gay abandon, giving yourself completely to your life-partner? KUBA: Again I would answer with a solid NO to both questions, it’s more dramatic rather than the flavour of a sweet longing/ gay abandon. But this just reminded me of something, I have written about this before. That when I first began with actualism, it took me about 6 months to have my first PCE as an actualist. But many times prior to that I would come close and as soon as the flavour of actuality was experienced, I would also go into this same kind of dramatic response, and it would prevent the PCE each time. I remember at the time it was Claudiu that gave me some advice and said that he also experienced something similar after his spiritual years. Essentially it took for me to become aware of that pattern and then next time somewhat ‘chill out’ and then the PCE did happen shortly after. It’s weird too because my first PCE (before actualism) devolved into a powerful ASC, and I wondered then if that was almost like I was habitually diverting the PCE into what was more accessible/ relatable via ‘my’ affective memory, essentially making it a passionate affair. Experientially it was like as soon as I got close to a PCE ‘I’ began passionately screaming “yes this is what ‘I’ want” and this scream would stop the PCE in its tracks. Then afterwards I would be left with this quite heavy affective aftermath, like what one feels after a dangerous situation or a big cry. And this passionate response I am describing here is essentially there same thing. It seems pretty clear that it is a diversion. Oh you know what, it is almost like ‘I’ am still habitually looking for a moment of
Realisation, just like ‘I’ habitually felt a PCE would be back then. It was only when ‘I’ chilled out that ‘I’
could allow the PCE to happen via ‘my’ abeyance. It’s like back then ‘I’ associated these affective
fireworks – which happened when the PCE had already devolved into an ASC – with the PCE itself, and so the second
that the PCE hove into view ‘I’ was already on the trigger for those fireworks. What is going on now is
essentially that.
VINEETO to Chrono: You are probably aware that you as a feeling being live within a KUBA: Reading this was such a great reminder of the contagious nature of naiveté. I paid particular notice to this when I was running errands whilst feeling excellent the other day. It was clear that those delightful and naive ripples, spontaneously emanating from me were having an effect on others. And the other thing – I was no longer trying to hide anything, those naive vibes and currents were gladly “let loose” on the world haha, this could be done because of the sure knowledge that they were wholesome by all means. Normally when ‘I’ look from ‘my’ ivory tower, ‘I’ can deceive ‘myself’ that ‘my’ sorrowful and malicious vibes and currents are contained/ hidden, but that is not so at all, and this is only fully grasped it seems when no longer in the thick of it all. You wrote something to me a while ago, that the changes which happen naively, on the level of the ‘be-er’ go unnoticed to the ‘do-er’/ ‘controller’ – this is how I experienced those naive ripples to operate. In that I could interact with someone and they might not be aware of what happened and yet they had a good time. As Richard wrote (paraphrasing) it is on the level of vibes and currents where the real power-play happens. Which comprehending all this it is so clear that as long as ‘I’ am still in existence, the absolute best thing that ‘I’ can do (‘be’) is naiveté. That by ‘being’ naiveté ‘I’ am already accomplishing more for peace on earth than any moralistic endeavour that ‘I’ could engage in as the ‘do-er’/ ‘controller’. And I have observed this myself, how an unselfconsciously artless person can wipe away in an instant the seriousness and severity that is plaguing another, simply because of what they are ‘being’. It does actually make sense to me, that the way to peace on earth is to be having fun being
alive.
KUBA: The below quote from Richard has been coming up for me :
It’s like the “loud-mouth” that is ‘me’ has been quiet enough to allow this exquisite purity to be beaming through, at times it has my jaw on the floor, just how incredible sensate experiencing can be, how pure and how close it is. And I notice that although these experiences are “intense” (in terms of richness), it is not a hedonic intensity, the intensity/ richness is precisely because of the purity and the closeness, meaning that it is all blithe and benign, it can’t be too much in that way. To stick with the recent theme – those experiences are intense/ rich precisely because of what is no longer in the way, meaning that what is already here is experienced in a direct and clean manner. Which the above makes something very clear experientially, that ‘I’ have to disappear in ‘my’ totality to allow this fully. There is no question about it, that exquisite purity is exactly where ‘I’ am not, it is experienced when ‘I’ am not etc. I guess it’s different understanding the above intellectually and then walking down the wide and wondrous path until this becomes clear experientially. So yes I understand now what those words mean – Naiveté is a necessary precursor to invoke the condition of innocence. The other thing is that seeing all this experientially there is no emotional/ passionate reactions, in fact the emotional/passionate reactions are the dreams/nightmare scenarios which ‘I’ concoct in the meantime, until the above sinks in. What a fascinating adventure it is, because I remember 2 distinct phases – first it was looking at the mountain of ‘human wisdom’ which seemed like I could never face up to its power and authority. And yet bit by bit it was taken apart until it became meaningless. Then it was the “wall of fear”, again seemingly an impenetrable force field, all very real and ghastly etc, and now it’s nowhere to be found. So now I find myself very much how Peter described in the actualists guide:
KUBA: There is this other fascinating thing going on today, it reminds me of what Richard wrote (to paraphrase) – there is a sensation of ‘me’ not having happened yet. And in that moment I see something quite bizarre (not in a bad way at all though), that ‘my’ life has been as if this parallel happening, that it has nothing at all to do with what is actual, it never did. That upon ‘my’ dissolution the various particulars of the story of ‘my’ life will become as meaningless as the various dramas which I have so far resolved. And in that experience there is something like a sense of sweet release, that a world exists (and has done all this time) where none of ‘my’ dramas has ever touched upon. That in the final analysis it was as Richard wrote – “all a play in emotive imaginative thought … an errant and vainglorious brain-pattern”. (Richard’s Journal, Article 20, pg. 149).It means that none of ‘my’ dramas will ever carry through to actuality, they could not, which
is actually a very wonderful thing. I see why pride had to go to allow such a thing tho haha!
Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless Richard’s & Peter’s & Vineeto’s Text ©The Actual
Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.
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