Selected Writings from Peter’s Journal
It started off as a slightly awkward social evening but as it continued it proved to be profound for me. I do not remember a great deal of the post-dinner conversation, but a few things stick in my memory.
‘Everyone has got it 180 degrees wrong,’ Richard said at one stage. I was starting to have some doubts about Enlightenment, and that ‘crack in the door’ was enough for me to reply, ‘Really? – I’ll think about that for a bit’.
‘The only danger is you might become Enlightened,’ said Richard about the experimental method he had devised to eliminate the identity in toto – that psychological and psychic entity that is the root of sorrow and malice and that dwells within all human beings.
‘It is possible for a man and a woman to live together, twenty-four hours a day, in utter peace, harmony and equity, totally enjoying each other’s company, and the sex is great,’ said Devika. Now I was really interested! Peter’s Journal, ‘Foreword’
By freeing ourselves of most of our societal beliefs and by diminishing the power of the instinctual passions which had prevented us from living together in peace and harmony, the pure natural delight of freely enjoyed sex was revealed, step by delicious step. The very process of investigating the Human Condition and putting the issues on the table to be mutually resolved rather than fearfully coveted, allowed us to penetrate this most personal, most intimate of subjects. More than this, we also dug deep to tackle the instinctual behaviour patterns that ultimately doom human sex to failure, resulting in disappointment, resentment and eventual abandonment.
What an utter tragedy these patterns of behaviour are as one can have such extraordinary sensory delight from the pure physical sexual play between a man and a woman. It requires, though, a thorough investigation of the taboos, mystique and conditioning which have been largely imposed by the priests and gurus – the very same priests and gurus who declare sex to be sinful or to be eventually transcended – abandoned on the path to Enlightenment. For centuries they have practised their denial and celibacy with monumental hypocrisy and torturous selfishness. They obviously have not a clue when they talk about sex … and yet it is their Wisdom that we follow! Very curious.
This chapter has been deliberately placed in this sequence in the book, as the free enjoyment of sex is a delightful by-product of the process of dismantling the psychological and psychic entity within. In other words, it works best when two people are equally committed to the process. It takes two to tango of course; human bodies do it easily and naturally – it’s simply a matter of getting rid of the mental wiring that is in the way. It was also essential to bring a halt to the battle of the sexes between us, because in my experience, the bed becomes a major battleground. It was also crucial to free myself of the set of emotions and instinctual passions called love that stand in the way of the delicious intimacy so vital for fulfilling sexual enjoyment. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’
Marriage, for me, was a ticket to legal and morally acceptable sex. My memory of sex at this time was of it being a very quick business with ejaculation at the end. After about five years we had produced two children, and I then decided to become sterilised – quite a process at that time. At least I had now eliminated the pregnancy risk and its associated fears and long-lasting consequences, every time I had sex. By the time my marriage ground to a halt, sex had almost ceased, and I was reduced to what appeared to be the standard substitute of masturbation.Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’
Sex without relationship was not what I was after. Soon I found myself in a relationship, which was wonderfully sexual at the start, a kind of a sexual ‘peak experience’, but it proved very elusive to recapture, and over the years sex was to decline and eventually dribbled to a halt.
Was it to be that sex at the start of a relationship was good, but then there was always the inevitable decline? From what I had seen around me, this pattern seemed to be commonly accepted in all relationships. Was this the best I could expect? I also found that any attempt to talk about sex was extraordinarily awkward and was taken very personally by either myself or the woman involved. Ignorance and emotions abounded and it seemed that the only solution was to give up any expectation of anything better was possible.
So, in the end I gave up on both relationships and sex. At least I would cease the torment and disappointment in myself and stop inflicting it on my partners. I was then deliberately celibate, which was to last for three years, with even masturbation ceasing. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’
But where did that leave sex in the scheme of things? Were we really facing that hoary old ghost of sex without love? Here we were right up against the major religious and social taboo – and no way out! It was not as though we could go backwards into the old quagmire of emotions. At this period I remember that it felt as though we were strangers having sex: a bit like a series of one-night stands but without the excitement of it. It was noticeable that as the senses were becoming heightened so were the fears. Out beyond the normal boundaries of morality, feelings of sinful guilt and shame would arise: adulterers, fornicators and whores. The condemnation was almost tangible, but the sex was very sensual. On a few occasions the fear even arose that I had reduced myself to mere rutting animal.
As mentioned previously, I had been celibate for three years before meeting Vineeto and I found a curious thing happened to me when I started having sex again. The sex drive, which had comfortably gone to sleep in the corner like an old cat, suddenly woke up and played all its old tricks again. Of course having sex again was delicious but the return of fantasising, eyeing other women and masturbation were uncomfortable and disquieting side effects. I could see clearly that these were very common sexual symptoms, but what was their source and how to eliminate them? They obviously stood in the way of our harmonious living together. One day I had an experience of walking downtown in the holiday village that I live in and seeing all the interactions between people as purely sexual. I saw this not as shocking but simply as the way things are; human beings are, after all, sexual beings. Not only do we engage in sex for reproduction as other animals do, but for humans sex is a highly pleasurable activity: and it is a delightful duet sport as well! Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’
So, it was obvious that the sex drive was the problem and the problem was in me. As an experiment, I decided to plunge fully into both masturbation and fantasy, to allow myself to push beyond the feelings of guilt and shame that had plagued me since my teenage years. I kept going beyond self-indulgence; and something curious began to happen. It became clear to me that this was just plain silly, stupid, mad and destructive.
It is very interesting what happens with this method of ridding oneself of beliefs and instinctual passions. It actually works! I had been around the spiritual/therapy world for years, had probably heard parts of this before, done ‘work’ or groups on the issue before, but here I was able to go straight for the jugular. This was the core of the problem, it was in the road between us, and I needed to be free of it! After all, it was preventing my happiness and enjoyment of life now! I recognised the behaviour and feelings in myself, saw the appalling consequences both to my happiness and that of others … and then they simply disappeared. The complete and total understanding of a belief and its accompanying emotions actually results in their elimination. It took a little time, a lot of diligence, introspection and plain ‘self’-obsession – and the will to keep going, to find out. It was often very fearful and I found myself not only dealing with my fears but also with the fear of all humans now and who ever have been. And then, as though by magic, one day I realised I was no longer driven. It had been a gradual process but it had come to an end – it worked. The sex drive, or instinctual passion, had virtually disappeared from my life.
It was extraordinarily freeing to no longer be led around by my dick, to no longer revert to fantasy and imagination, to no longer eye off other women. And I am free of the seductive power of women, that ultimate power that women exert over men. Of course, it was not merely an intellectual understanding and it translated gradually over the months into a free enjoyment of sex with Vineeto. With fear, guilt, imagination and blind nature no longer interfering, the physical act of sex reveals its delights – with a real woman, lustily sexual, eyes open, delicious, tactile, sensual, immediate, body-tingling pleasure. The actual physical pleasure of sex revealed was to far exceed the imaginative and fantasy world of sex I had previously lived in. Peter’s Journal, ‘Sex’
The results of this investigation are indeed quite interesting. We have discovered a heightened sensual pleasure in sex. We have stripped away almost all of the emotions, fears, blockages, hesitancies, guilt, and any withholding that occurs around sex.
Recently someone said of Richard’s writings: ‘Why is he talking of everyday things?’ Well, when I wallowed in the world of emotions, feelings, energies and spirits, it was a full-time neurosis, and I couldn’t savour the delights of food, sex, conversation, doing ‘nothing’, playing FreeCell, reading a book, walking, sitting and watching the sky (or the ceiling). Now increasingly I do. Having nothing meaningful or useful or significant or urgent or exciting to do, day after day: and yet experiencing every day, each moment as near-perfect. Everyday life, everyday things. It has to be lived to be fully understood. (...)
The physical universe is infinite and perfect – the ‘stuff’ of the universe being defined as animal, vegetable and mineral. The ‘energies’ of the universe are purely the physical forces of the universe, regulating the ‘stuff’ of the universe. And I, as a human being, am made of the same stuff as the universe. Undeniably, I am the product of the meeting between a sperm and an egg. I remember once looking at my hand and it was obviously the claw of an animal, and a sexual one at that. I was not here before birth and I will not be here after death. I already know from my peak experiences that there is nothing ‘inside’ me as this body or separate from me to continue after I die. As a physical animal in the physical universe I have made it my aim to be happy and harmless, and the universe will do it’s ‘universe thing’ to aid in the creation of the best possible.
What I have now discovered is a constant, permanent experiencing of what I had experienced on the yacht – the perfection and purity of the physical universe. I, as part of this universe, made of the same ‘stuff’, am able to see and reflect on the universe. I am the universe experiencing itself as a human being. The difference in me is that when there is no ‘self’ – no malice and sorrow – I am able to not only see but experience the innate purity and perfection. And that malicious and sorrowful person I used to be, did it – cute hey! Perfect and delightful, simple and obvious. Peter’s Journal, ‘The universe’
Peter’s Text ©The Actual Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.