VINEETO: Hi Alan,

ALAN: It still astonishes me how people can so easily turn their backs on Actual Freedom, as epitomized in Peter’s mail to No 3 – most are simply not interested in discovering how magnificent life can be. I was discussing this with my wife last night and it got back to the familiar sticking point – giving up emotions and becoming a ‘zombie’, as she puts it. Is this an objection you have come across? So far, as what starts one on the exploration, I think you are correct that some disillusionment et. is necessary, but then all who live within the Human Condition suffer disappointment, longing and desperation. Speaking personally, it was my memory of a PCE which started me on the search for ‘answers’ – I wanted to again experience that purity and perfection. It was a decision which took years to make. How did you get started on the spiritual path?

VINEETO: ‘Giving up emotions and becoming a zombie’ – this is almost a standard expression, as if a zombie has no emotions. When I compare my life now with two years ago, then I had been living a zombie-life all my life, with a few exceptions. I had been dull and predictable, a biological mechanism programmed with different roles, beliefs emotions and instinctual passions, just like everyone else around me. Being programmed with emotions is like being out at sea – any moment the weather can change into a raging storm, rain or sunshine, for no apparent reason. ‘Zombie’ means being full of emotions, but keeping them so utterly repressed and distorted that one is 90% shut down.

The comparison of ‘no emotion’ and ‘zombie’ also reminds me of the latest science fiction films, where the robots and computers are very human-like in that they have been programmed with rudimentary emotions. Kryton in ‘Red Dwarf’ is a cute example, Hal in ‘2010’ another. The scientist working with the supercomputer Hal in ‘2010’ (a follow-up film of Stanley Kubrick’s 2001) said to his team: ‘Whether carbon- or silicon-based life forms, both species need to be treated with the same respect.’ What a hoot. In the same anthropo-centric manner that we would like computers to have human-like qualities we are searching in animals for ‘human-like’ behaviour – while completely overlooking the fact that we are observing our own animal-heritage, our core instincts and rudimentary self.

While now, having eliminated the fog of emotions which were cluttering every perception, restricting and distorting intelligence and apperception, life is easy, comfortable, peaceful, happy and imminently delightful. I am more alive than ever, the senses sharper and enjoying whatever is happening, the brain functioning perfectly to sort the sensible from the silly – and sometimes I am silly just for the fun of it.

So, the expression ‘zombie’ for ‘no emotion’ is a misnomer. For the ‘self’, our lost, lonely, frightened and very cunning entity, it is a reality that ‘I’ am my emotions and without them ‘I’ will only be a robot. For me, maybe particularly with a conditioning and instinctual programming as a woman, emotions were all and everything I thought and felt myself to be. To question emotions is to question one’s very ‘self’. It needs lots of courage, sincere intent and, if possible, the remembrance of a peak experience, to dare to look for something beyond this safe and familiar world of up-and-down emotions.

Meeting Richard was another help for me, for he was not at all the man one could call a ‘zombie’ – yet he is without emotions. Here is a man as normal and ordinary as Mr. Smith but at the same time radiantly alive, friendly, peaceful, gay, humorous, carefree, considerate and perfect as only legendary heroes would have been described – and this day after day, whenever I met him, without any flaw. Here I could compare the facts with my fears, the day to day actuality with my dark and confused fantasies.

But the main reason for taking up the third alternative was because I dared to acknowledge that ‘being normal’ had no attraction for me nor had all the spiritual practice borne any solutions for a happy life. The highly prized emotions had only caused trouble, fight, jealousy, disappointment, hope and desperation in my life.

ALAN: I was discussing this with my wife last night and it got back to the familiar sticking point – giving up emotions and becoming a zombie, as she puts it. Is this an objection you have come across?

VINEETO: I have come across that objection many, many times. Women hold emotions, particularly their own, in high esteem; it is the familiar territory of the power she yields and the most important part of a female identity besides being a mother. Men may have developed other identities, many manage to avoid feeling their emotions like all get out, which, of course, does not help to become free of them.

To me, it was obvious from day one, that if I wanted to live in peace and harmony with Peter, then an exploration and a questioning of all my emotions was inevitable. In the end, this exploration proved to be the dissolution of the male and female camp and resulted in a delicious actual and ongoing intimacy between us, something which, apart from a few glimpses, I had never experienced before.

The other aspect of emotions lies in a broader context, and I am encountering this lately as it is becoming more obvious. Feelings, emotions and instinctual passions are the only connection between ‘me’ and ‘Humanity’. Empathy, sorrow and compassion make us feel connected to the greater ‘community’ of humankind, thus perpetuating sorrow without any solution. Severing the ties to this suffering ‘Humanity’ and standing on my own two feet without even the option of ‘feeling’ the other if I wanted to, is a bold step, and has been a process that took me a few months.

The turning point was the experience that, one evening before sex, I had a flash of wanting to kill Peter. I perceived him as being a deadly threat to ‘my’ identity, and my instinctual reaction resulted in the wish to kill him. The surfacing of this raw instinct in me, directed against my best and most intimate playmate, was a severe shock – it became blindingly obvious and self-evident that ‘I’ am rotten to the very core. To guarantee peace-on-earth, ‘I’ will have to become extinct.

*

ALAN: The quote from Peter was helpful, though I seem to have stopped questioning who, or what, is doing the doing – for the moment, at least. I understand, and agree, intellectually with what you said, Peter. You state that ‘in hindsight it was apperceptive awareness’. Is this now a ‘knowing’, or just an intellectual understanding? And what did you think at the time?

VINEETO: I can’t answer for what Peter thought at the time, but I want to make a remark to your question of ‘is this now a ‘knowing’, or just an intellectual understanding?’ What do you mean by ‘knowing’? It sounds suspiciously close to ‘I know the Truth’ kind of knowing, where an emotional experience is interpreted as knowing the unwavering truth.

But maybe I do understand what you mean. The process of Actual Freedom is such new territory, and for each of us it is the first time that we are doing it, that we often have to tell the story in hindsight. And, as such, it is just a story, maybe evidenced by people doing it after us or with us, made more accurate with each reported experience. But there won’t be any ‘knowing’ because there won’t be any ‘absolute truth’. There will only be a certain amount of making sense during and after the event, collecting story by story and experience after experience. This is, after all, the first time that we are approaching Actual Freedom via Virtual Freedom and not via Enlightenment.

The only fixed parameters are the goal of actual freedom, evidenced by Richard, and experienced by us in numerous peak-experiences, and the method, which each of us experiences to be working very successfully on the way. How the brain is physically rewiring itself is quite a mystery, but Richard’s description of ‘apperception’ in the library fits very well into my experience of the process.

I am reminded of a science-program we watched on TV. It showed how the brain’s long term memory operates: strings of neurons grow towards each other when stimulated often enough and finally merge in a synapse, a firm and lasting connection. As I see it, the stimulating input consists of various components:

• physical learning of bodily functions, such as sight, balance, hearing, temperature, recognition etc, like a child up to two years learns, largely by trial and error
• emotional experiences, understanding and conditioning in our learning to be a fit member of society
• intellectual learning, training of memory, learning data, etc.
• contemplation, concentration, sensuousness, attentiveness and self-awareness.

All of these inputs are physically represented in neurons and their related synapse in the brain. Given that scientists are only at the very beginning of exploring the brain this might still be an inaccurate description. However, I conclude from this, that in the process of freeing oneself from the conditioning, from the feelings, beliefs and emotions, and finally eliminating the core instinctual passions there has to be physical equivalent happening in the brain. Perhaps millions of existing synapse are being disconnected, new neuron connections are growing, and the whole structure of the brain is reconstructing itself in a completely different way. I speculate that headaches, dizziness, nausea, tiredness, etc. are all expressions and temporary symptoms of this physical re-wiring.

Altogether, it is good fun speculating and trying to make sense – and some of it might be scientifically proven in later years – but the real proof of the pudding is the taste of the pudding – life is eminently delightful, despite and even because of the weird processes that are going on in the brain. To live each moment at the cutting edge of being alive, the important thing becomes not ‘what’ I experience but ‘that’ I am living fully aware, being the senses, 100% alive and enjoying each moment again. It can be a spectacular romp, a sleepy afternoon on a cozy rainy day or a busy working day, meeting all kind of demands. The quality has been improving ever since I started this process 2^1/2 years ago.

*

ALAN: I am still none too sure what virtual freedom’ is – and it matters not one jot. It is all too easy, as I am prone to do, to get caught up in ‘intellectualising’ and setting ‘targets’. Peter continuously points out to us that what matters is enjoying and living this moment – a bit like the birds in ‘Island’ by Aldous Huxley, flying around, crying ‘Here and Now, Boys’. Activating one’s delight and joie de vivre at simply being here, in this moment, makes the difference between ‘good’ feelings and ‘feeling good’ and the ‘difference between virtual freedom and actual freedom’ meaningless questions – I am this moment living me – and it is so fantastic, so great – the doing of it, is what it is all about. While the enquiry and the finding are very necessary (and great fun) it is the doing which is the business.

VINEETO: So, you say you don’t know what Virtual Freedom is? It looks like Peter and I are not writing clearly enough about it for you to know what you are living? Just because I think that it does ‘matter one jot’, I’ll give you another attempt of a rave about this ‘mysterious’ state of virtual freedom.

ALAN: You and Peter are writing clearly enough, I just did not explain myself well enough. You have described what Virtual Freedom is extremely well (see below) and, from your description I can say (with one proviso) that I am living in Virtual Freedom. And that is the point – it is a description, not an actuality. I do not know that you are having the same experience as me. With a PCE (and Actual Freedom) I know that you are having the same experience as me. For this reason, I say ‘it matters not one jot’. That still does not make much sense – I will consider further and let you know what I come up with. There is something there to be winkled out, I suspect.

VINEETO: I don’t quite follow you why Virtual Freedom is only a description, while with a PCE and an ASC you know that you are having the same experiences as Peter or me? I am describing an actuality, the living in Virtual Freedom, and you compare it to your actuality of daily life. Maybe this question can be included into your considerations.

*

VINEETO: Virtual Freedom is when 99% percent of your time is spent in perfect peace and harmony with everything and everyone around you. When you wake up in the morning and know that you are going to have a perfect day and when you go to bed at night-time and you can say that you had had a perfect day. Virtual Freedom is when you are not bothered by petty worries, jealousies, competition, arrogance, grumpiness, sadness, boredom, and when you don’t get peeved, sad, bored, tired, annoyed, frustrated, impatient, uneasy, embarrassed, disgusted, angry, depressed or malicious. Virtual Freedom is when you very rarely come across an emotion in yourself, and when that happens you simply investigate into the root cause of the emotion and get on with enjoying life. Virtual Freedom is the firm basis one is falling back on when coming out of a pure consciousness experience, or when one is getting impatient, doubtful or fearful about freedom. Virtual Freedom is the proof of the pudding, it proves that cleaning up your grotty ‘self’ does actually work in everyday life with people as they are. Virtual Freedom is as close as ‘you’ can get to being actually free of the Human Condition while remaining a self. And Virtual Freedom is when you know with utter confidence that you are moving every day closer to the moment of ‘your’ final extinction.

ALAN: Now the proviso. I can say yes to all the above, except having a perfect day. I know it is not yet perfect because I have experienced what perfection is, in the PCE. So until I am living that perfection 24 hours of the day (ie actual freedom), I cannot say I have had a perfect day. And perhaps this further points to my (or is it ‘my’) ‘problem’ with Virtual Freedom. If I am worrying about whether I have had a perfect day, or am living in virtual freedom, I am never going to have a perfect day. Is this part of Zen philosophy? i.e. the change being sought can only be brought about by giving up the desire to change, or to put it more simply: And you are right, ‘it is the doing which is the business’. Ship ahoy.

VINEETO: Well, I can understand your objections now. But to define a perfect day as only experienced in a PCE or when the self has finally died is to keep postponing the doing of it by another trick of the ‘self’, a koan, that by its very definition has no solution – you say that you can only live in virtual freedom when you live in actual freedom...

Virtual freedom is as far as ‘I’ can go, is the best that ‘I’ can do with the ‘self’ somehow still alive. In that sense it is one step ‘below’ a PCE or actual freedom, but as perfect as can be with the ‘self’ still there. If you want to save the word ‘perfect’ only for PCE, then I am happy to use any other word that you propose that would represent ‘99% perfect with the acknowledgment of the ‘self’ being intact’. Virtual, by definition, means

‘that is so in essence or effect, although not recognized formally, actually, or by strict definition as such; almost absolute.’ Oxford Dictionary

In the meantime I will call my days perfect days, be they days in front of the TV doing nothing, typing a letter all day or going to work and selling a few hours of my time to pay the bills. They are perfect in that I am here each moment with my full attention, responding to each situation uncluttered by worries and other emotions, and enjoying myself thoroughly. Any upcoming problem is simply another challenge to be met, keeping me on my toes with thrill, working things out or observing the happenings with more and more apperception.

You said it in your letter to No 14: – ‘dare I say virtual freedom’. Yes, Virtual Freedom is a daring. Once you decide and declare to yourself and others that you are living in Virtual Freedom, you can’t slip back into not having a perfect day. You have to live up to your own standards. You pull yourself up on your boot strings. What a great tool! It’s another ‘lifting of the bar ‘on the wide and wondrous path to Freedom.

15.5.1999

ALAN: The quote from Peter was helpful, though I seem to have stopped questioning who, or what, is doing the doing – for the moment, at least. I understand, and agree, intellectually with what you said, Peter. You state that ‘in hindsight it was apperceptive awareness’. Is this now a ‘knowing’, or just an intellectual understanding? And what did you think at the time?

VINEETO: I can’t answer for what Peter thought at the time, but I want to make a remark to your question of ‘is this now a ‘knowing’, or just an intellectual understanding?’ What do you mean by ‘knowing’? It sounds suspiciously close to ‘I know the Truth’ kind of knowing, where an emotional experience is interpreted as knowing the unwavering truth.

But maybe I do know what you mean. The process of Actual Freedom is such new territory and for each of us it is the first time that we are doing it, that we often have to tell the story in hindsight. And, as such, it is just a story, maybe evidenced by people doing it after us or with us, made more accurate with each reported experience. But there won’t be any ‘knowing’ because there won’t be any ‘absolute truth’. There will only be a certain amount of making sense during and after the event, collecting story by story and experience after experience. This is, after all, the first time that we are approaching Actual Freedom via Virtual Freedom and not via Enlightenment.

ALAN: No, I did not mean ‘I know the truth’ by ‘knowing’. I meant a ‘getting it’ – an experiential (as opposed to intellectual) understanding that this is correct, obviously so, factually evident, blindingly obvious. I think this is the same as Peter was talking about with ‘serendipitous discoveries’ – one does not seek the discovery. There is just a sudden ‘click’, an ‘of course, how interesting and obvious’.

VINEETO: There was a time when I would miss not having those blindingly obvious ‘getting its’ and stunning insights, which were so diametrically opposite to everything else I had believed at the time – and I would measure the ‘truth’ of the insight according to the degree of surprise, newness and stunning-ness of my first startling insights. Then I noticed that the more my life got easier, less emotional and more perfect each day, that and similarly the peak experiences themselves became something almost ordinary, utterly simple, adding a tinge more clarity and intensity to the experience of the tangible actual-ness of every day life. The extreme experiences were disappearing out of my life, and at first that left me with an uncertainty as to not knowing if I had gone back to being normal.

But then I only had to compare my life with how I had been before, with the problems I observe in other people around me or with what is presented on TV, to know that I have actually and clearly improved my quality of life to such a degree that I forget what ‘normal’ looks or feels like. In interaction with others I forget that they could get offended, insulted, or be self-condemning for little mistakes, and only by their behaviour I deduct that an emotion must be surfacing in them – then a faint memory comes back to how it has been for myself not so long ago.

Now, as I see it, putting a retrospective story together of what the brain was doing with all this wiring, programming and reprogramming, is not a matter of sudden insight like the spiritual insights, where one taps into the collective ‘Knowledge’ (read imagination). Further, making sense in hindsight is not a matter of replacing a belief one has cherished before and acknowledging an obvious fact for the first time – for instance, seeing that this universe is infinite and that there is physically no ‘outside’ for a god to sit, pulling the strings. Putting together a story in hindsight of how the human brain functions is collecting the data that are available about scientific research – which is not much as far as actual facts are concerned – and comparing them to one’s own experience of how the process has been. It leaves room for speculation and for more accurate adjustments when more data are collected, both by us actualists and by practical scientists. It is a continuous collection of and an investigation into facts rather than a blindingly obvious insight replacing a former belief. Those insights are more an insight into the falseness of a belief or ‘truth’, a disappearance of a dearly held conviction, be they religious, spiritual or pseudo-scientific. Like your report when you said that you ‘got it’ that there is no life after death, 100% sure.

Does that make sense to you?

In a PCE I can see the world as it is, people as they are, my emotions and beliefs and my ‘self’ for what it is – a passionate illusion – and thus I can easily discriminate facts from ‘truths’, beliefs, convictions, instincts and fears. I will only know what I have investigated so far, there is no magical all-knowing or all-understanding, no god-like wisdom. But because during a PCE the brain has no ‘sand’ ie emotions, beliefs and instincts in the system, it can function smoothly and I can see the facts for what they are. Old synapses have been severed, so the neurons can engage in free-flowing brainstorming. Mark described this kind of brainstorming really well in his last two letters.

*

VINEETO: The only fixed parameters are the goal of actual freedom, evidenced by Richard, and experienced by us in numerous peak-experiences, and the method, which each of us experiences to be working very successfully on the way. How the brain is physically rewiring itself is quite a mystery, but Richard’s description of ‘apperception’ (in the library) fits very well into my experience of the process. I am reminded of a science-program we watched on TV. It showed how the brain’s long term memory operates: strings of neurons grow towards each other when stimulated often enough and finally merge in a synapse, a firm and lasting connection. As I see it, the stimulating input consists of various components:

• physical learning of bodily functions, such as sight, balance, hearing, temperature, recognition etc, like a child up to two years learns, largely by trial and error,
• emotional experiences, understandings and conditioning in our learning to be a member of society
• intellectual learning, training the memory, learning data, etc.
• contemplation, concentration, sensuousness, attentiveness and self-awareness.

All of these inputs are physically represented in neurons and their related synapse in the brain. Given scientists are only at the very beginning of exploring the brain this might still be an inaccurate description. However, I conclude from this, that in the process of freeing oneself from the conditioning, from the feelings, beliefs and emotions, and finally eliminating the core instinctual passions there has to be physical equivalent happening in the brain. Perhaps millions of existing synapse are being disconnected, new neuron connections are growing and the whole structure of the brain is reconstructing itself in a completely different way. I speculate that headaches, dizziness, nausea, tiredness, etc. are all expressions and temporary symptoms of this physical re-wiring.

ALAN: I like your description and am sure it is an accurate description of what is occurring. What it does not explain is how a PCE occurs – any ideas? Perhaps some temporary pathways are formed, or maybe part of the substantial unused part of our brain is temporarily ‘fired’ into action? In the PCE, it appears to me that, for the first time, I start to use my brain to its full capacity. I know that part of the reason for the ‘lightning speed’ of thought is because one is operating without any inhibitions whatsoever – no feelings or beliefs to slow one up. Hence also the absolute clarity. I just remembered ‘I’ used to believe that the unused part of the brain could, if activated, enable ‘me’ to become telepathic and have all the other ESP abilities – too much science fiction reading, I guess. <snip> That is the great thing about it – the results are more or less immediate and continually incremental, apart from the occasional ‘backslide’.

VINEETO: How a PCE occurs? Peter called it a ‘glitch’ in the program, the ‘self’ goes in abeyance for a certain period of time. That would explain that many PCEs happen after near-death experiences, after a shock, during an intense period in life or as a result of a drug experience. After my first PCE I knew what to look for, I intentionally searched for the alternative to my normal programming and thus created new ways to think in the brain, functioning better each time. But I think that originally a PCE happens when the normal functioning of the program in the brain comes to its limits and ‘crashes’ – and then the actuality of the world without the program of the self becomes apparent. But there is always the possibility that a certain chemical in the brain is triggering this ‘crashing’ on normal thinking and maybe scientist will one day be able to produce it for everybody who wants it...

My first major peak experience happened after 3 months of emotional turmoil while I was trying to figure out how I could live with Peter and his new ‘philosophy’ and at the same time not give up my spiritual beliefs and friends of the spiritual community. It became more and more obvious that this was impossible. Within my ‘normal’ way of thinking, feeling and believing there was no solution, and the need for a solution became increasingly vital for my mental sanity. Further, my intent to not settle for second best made any compromise within myself impossible. Then, with the help of a mild joint and some wine, my whole belief system crashed – I popped through the fog of beliefs and saw the actual world for the first time in its – then shocking – purity.

Last night we were invited for a dinner party and one of the men described a peak experience he had when he was 19 years old. He had been diving off the West Australian coast when he got caught in the high surf while looking for an interesting ship wreck and, being completely exhausted after one hour in the cold water, did not know how to cover the long distance through the wild surf to the beach. He decided to take the risk to be smashed unto the rocks which were closer by – and just survived. His brother helped him out of the water unto the cliffs. Coming out, he experienced the world as pristine, perfect, without emotions, without a personal self and was simply astounded to be still alive. This remarkable PCE, which lasted for several hours, unfortunately later got diverted into the spiritual search and ‘translated’ into the ‘non-dualistic reality’ of Advaita Vedanta, where you are supposedly already ‘here’ and only need to stop believing in your ‘imaginary’ ‘self’. There is more in a Library about this spiritual version of complete insanity, 180 degrees in the wrong direction – if you are interested.

ALAN: PS: Just for interest what is NDA-Oprah?

VINEETO: New Dark Age Oprah Winfrey – or popularist Spiritualism.

7.6.1999

VINEETO: To join you and Peter on this fascinating and ultimate subject of ‘the ending of me’ I want to add some thoughts and insights that I have got out of the process so far.

ALAN to Peter: I understand completely the ‘deciding to do something was the end of the deciding phase and all its thinking and feeling and the start of the doing of it’ . This is what, I think, I have done over the last couple of days. One cannot be absolutely certain, as this is unknown territory we are exploring, but there is a different ‘flavour’ to the experience. It is as though all the preparatory work has been done – the elimination of the beliefs and feelings – and now one is getting down to the ‘nitty-gritty’ – the actual doing of it.

Peter: It was as though I was in great physical danger – which I was not at all. It was the kind of fear that overwhelms one in a life-threatening situation. It was not induced by ‘me’ thinking or feeling about death – quite the contrary. I remember thinking – ‘This is the fear when it comes and its here now.’ Peter to Alan, 3.6.1999

... My experience today was not, similar to yours, brought about by any thoughts or emotions about dying – no heroism, no imagination, as you say – completely ‘uninvited’ and a, matter-of-fact, sense of ‘ahh!, the moment has come – ‘I’ am about to expire’.

VINEETO: I can easily relate when you and Peter say that ‘the doing of it’ has started. There is a clear determination that has an altogether different quality to the previous phase of imagining death and then finding out what thoughts and emotions happen out of it. Now, there is more a sense of standing in the frontline, so to speak, and the command ‘jump’ can happen any moment. When it became obvious to me that death had stopped being an imagination which I could turn on and off at will, I was flooded with all kinds of physical symptoms of the instinctual fear of death. And it has been and still is fascinating to explore them with as much common sense as I am capable of.

Two weeks ago, when this bare instinct of survival arose for the first time in its full gamut, I was feeling sick and throwing up, with the stomach like a stone, numbing cramps in the heart area and dizzy in the head. When those physical symptoms reappeared the next day, I wondered where I was going wrong. It seemed an odd and arduous way to end ‘me’ – and I started to look for a way to be happy and healthy while continuing the ending of ‘me’. The question for me was, where did ‘I’ add to the drama, where did ‘I’ interfere or exaggerate? It became obvious that the primitive self, this silly, ancient survival mechanism, is pumping chemicals into every organ, and is actually jeopardizing and endangering my physical well-being – quite the opposite of what it was designed to do in the first place.

A week later I had another strong fear-attack, which I observed fascinated and rather unemotionally. My whole upper torso became numb, blood drained out of my head, heart, chest and arms. There wasn’t enough blood in the brain, so my vision had blind stripes, very curious. It took me a minute to figure out what was happening. I went along with it at first, thrilled and fascinated by the prospect of watching myself, my body, die, but a short while later common sense started to set in. If this was the beginning of a physical heart-attack then this was the wrong way, a ‘dead-end’, as Peter just said. Upon this understanding, the symptoms slowly subsided.

Trying to understand those experiences in hindsight, I would say that on both occasions I had a certain pushy-ness, an almost violent attitude to progress at all costs, no matter what will happen, ‘I’ want freedom now and ‘I’ want to make it happen. I can see that this urging only increased the fear, making the obstacle bigger than before. I understood that the ending of ‘me’ has to be 100% voluntary, ‘I’ have to agree boots and all, and doubt or hesitancy cannot just be brushed over. So I took another look around for my possible objections.

1. Fear number one had been: what, if I get accidentally enlightened? For that exploration I went into this grand fuzzy feeling, observed how it expands in the chest, how it swamps the brain with waves of love and bliss until one loses all common sense and is convinced that one is one with it all. When I didn’t fall for the seductive power of this feeling the rush of glory subsided and plunged me into instinctual fear. But that experience to remain ‘unseduced’ was enough to give me the confidence that I won’t be struck by, or stuck in, enlightenment, whatever happens.
2. Fear number two was: will I be able to physically survive? Well, I knew that Richard did, and he had described some quite dramatic experiences in his time before enlightenment. But I also had my own peak-experiences which convinced me that I am very capable of surviving without the ‘support’ of the primitive survival mechanism – on the contrary! As I had described before, when the physical symptoms of the adrenaline rush were developing towards what felt like a heart-attack, my commonsense decided that this was silly, and I could easily decide not to follow that drama any further.

In the last days we have been busy with comprehending the role of the primitive brain in the process of virtual freedom and actual freedom. The schematic model helped me very much to not only visualise what is going on but to understand the physical ramifications of altering the selfish programming of the neo-cortex and the instinctual wiring of the primitive brain. It seems clear that only after dismantling the social identity can the functioning of the instincts become apparent and more and more obvious. This awareness seems to stop the chemicals of the amygdala (primitive brain) flooding the rest of the brain – I can keep common sense, check out for actual danger and then get on with the business of being alive. The link from the amygdala to the modern, thinking brain may be weakened. Or, as you say,

[Alan]: ‘I experienced fear not as an emotion but, as stark fear simply as an experience – without being frightening, somehow.’ [endquote].

I know that the less I support this rush of hormones and chemicals with any ‘self’-identification, the more I ‘whittle’ away on the connecting link between the old and the new brain. Then the hormones will be like a barking dog – they eventually stop.

The willingness to disappear has now taken over and turned every moment of the day into a thrilling, almost pleasant anticipation, the magnanimous gift of ending ‘me’ that ‘I’ am willing to make for everybody who might be interested in an actual freedom in this lifetime. Fear with a lumpy stomach is still happening, but it is not the main event. The quality of approaching death has noticeably changed from a single-pointed determination at all costs to a benevolent purposeful and steady moving in the only direction left. It becomes more and more clear that the main event is not fear, not even thrill. The main event is freedom, which throws its glittering sparkle into each moment of the day as I am getting closer to the final event. The days are filled with a joyous surety, a jingle, a delight. Physical symptoms of fear and the experience of excellence and perfection are happening side by side. A truly fascinating combination!

I am well aware that we are going to be ‘the proof of the pudding’, and me-as-this-body will have a bloody good time when I am free. You are very welcome to be the first, Alan. After all, you are the ‘chief disciple’ and, as such, bear great responsibility, don’t you agree? Let’s see, who pops.

It’s a great pleasure to write to you, Alan.

14.6.1999

ALAN: Your last posts were fascinating and of considerable benefit to my current explorations. As a result, I (which I?) have abandoned, for the moment anyway, the possibility of ‘going into’ the basic instinct of fear. I suspect that, had I proceeded any further, a heart attack would have resulted – which seems to accord with the experiences you described – proceed with care if you are going to explore this basic instinct of fear further, Mark. I also suspect, as Vineeto suggests, that it was a manifestation of ‘me’ (in desperation) making a final attempt to ‘be here’ – sort of ‘I’ do not know what to do any longer, so let’s try this. I also take Peter’s point – ‘I see the core instincts as no different to the psychological feelings in the neo-cortex, and the ending of them was neither by expressing nor repressing, ‘going into’ or avoiding’. This is a very valid point and, since reading your mails, the heart palpitations have ceased, though the sensations in the head have increased, particularly at the base of the skull – and I do not preclude the possibility that this also is ‘me’ doing this, because it is the next obvious step.

And, to insert a quick ‘plug’ for the benefits of virtual freedom, even if one does not go all the way. At a time considered to be the most stressful there can be in a persons life – selling a house, selling (or closing) a business and a likely break up of a marriage – here I am, enjoying every moment and delighting in the experience of being alive – I thoroughly recommend it.

VINEETO: I can relate well to all that you are describing above. The exploration of fear had seemed the direction to go on the way to an actual freedom – up to a certain point. Fear was usually the indicator that there was something essential to discover, to explore or to eliminate. And often I have come out the other side of fear with a realization, a wider view and seen through a certain belief. Fear has been a guide and an ally – as Mark calls it – and hanging in there by neither repressing nor expressing it, the fear has usually lead to more understanding and a freedom from a particular aspect of ‘me’.

At a later stage, by the sheer appliance of common sense, the feelings of fear were exhausted, and the reasons for being fearful became more and more ridiculous. That was when ‘fear, the bare instinct’ came to the surface, giving me the opportunity to explore this raw instinctual passion that I am born with, exactly like every other human being on this planet. Tackling this bare instinct in me meant at the same time tackling the issue of leaving ‘humanity’ – ‘being a traitor’, as you put it. During this time I was checking out again whether there really is no solution to the Human Condition within the Human Condition. Sometimes I did consider myself going seriously mad and sometimes I was aghast by the amount of destructive madness that I observed in the way human beings treat each other. Eventually I gathered enough evidence to be completely convinced that there was no other solution but to step outside of Humanity altogether, to abandon my ‘humanity’, my instincts, my ‘self’.

Tackling the survival instinct, mainly surfacing as fear, it became blindingly and nauseatingly obvious – both literately and figuratively – that I was generating this instinct by believing in its ‘reality’ and ‘seriousness’. Also, I became aware that in this way I was jeopardizing my physical well-being and happiness. There was ‘me’ experiencing fear and playing out a drama, all the while there was no actual danger to my body, unless ‘I’ produced it. Seeing this, the belief in fear itself is weakened and was left behind – fear is no longer the guide for the ‘right’ direction. Mental anguish sometimes grinds away in the background like my computer during the virus-check, doing what it has to do, but the end of ‘me’ is clearly in sight.

ALAN: Is it not incredible how the mere act of thinking and contemplating can produce this huge gamut of physical symptoms and, as you say, even endanger physical well being. ‘I’ am so deluded that ‘I’ am willing to risk physical death in a crazed attempt to continue ‘my’ existence. I have already written above of my similar experience that this is, indeed, a ‘dead-end’ and my symptoms have also subsided. Personally, I think it is a case of continuing to persuade ‘myself’ that self-sacrifice is the only sensible thing to do – taking ‘pride’ in ‘my’ achievement of demonstrating it is possible and the greatest thing ‘I’ can do for the good of others.

VINEETO: I am now waiting for the moment when the drama of ‘me’ will have drawn to its long negotiated and anticipated end, to its grand or not so grand finale. Then I will get up from my ‘cinema seat’, maybe a bit stiff and confused from the dramatic story, go out into the fresh cool air and wonder where I have been all the time. I notice that it becomes more and more difficult to believe in my-‘self’, to crank up the conviction about a person with a firm identity and continuity, but I am still ‘managing’ – for however long that will last. Since this is the only time that I am experiencing the disappearing of ‘me’ for ever, I am enjoying it with the fascination and thrill of a unique adventure.

And, as you say, Alan, all the while life is going on in brilliant colours and sparkling moments, and, in your case, with life-changing circumstances. And nobody knows that all this is happening when I am queuing in the bank or answering the telephone during work, nobody has any idea that I am involved in a discovery the likes of which very few people have ever considered possible. Beats climbing Mount Everest any time – and so comfortably on the couch as well!

*

VINEETO: Fear number two was: will I be able to physically survive? Well, I knew that Richard did, and he had described some quite dramatic experiences in his time before enlightenment. But I also had my own peak-experiences which convinced me that I am very capable of surviving without the ‘support’ of the primitive survival mechanism – on the contrary! As I had described before, when the physical symptoms of the adrenaline rush were developing towards what felt like a heart-attack, my common-sense decided that this was silly, and I could easily decide not to follow that drama any further.

ALAN: Yes, this is ‘my’ greatest fear. I still think it will be necessary to accept that physical death may be the outcome when ‘stepping through the door’ (with Actual Freedom, not fear, written on it!!). As I said in my last post, for ‘me’ there is no difference between physical death and ‘self’ extinction – they are one and the same so far as ‘I’ am concerned and have the same end result for ‘me’ – ‘I’ will no longer exist in any shape or form – and ‘I’ want to remain in existence to savour the moment and receive the acclaim and, as you put it, ‘have a bloody good time’ – and ‘I’ cannot!!

VINEETO: You are very welcome to be the first, Alan. After all, you are the ‘chief disciple’ and, as such, bear great responsibility, don’t you agree? Let’s see, who pops.

ALAN: I resign. And, yes, I am well aware that ‘I’ want to be the first and have no hesitation at all in utilising this desire to assist in ‘my’ demise.

VINEETO: If you don’t physically survive, how can you be the first? Nobody would be around to tell of ‘your’ success. That simple female logic might help you find a safe solution. (It is really just female ‘logic’ and not common sense because it is so bent.)

But I know what you mean. Psychological and physical death seem so closely connected at times that one can get very easily mixed up. The amygdala certainly makes no distinction betwixt the two and pumps its chemicals through brain and organs – adrenaline, serotonin, testosterone, endorphin and whatever else it has in store. But once I knew that ‘I’ was creating those physical symptoms with my mental support, I could also stop creating them – or I go for the endorphin. Common sense helped me to understand that the two (the physical and psychological death) have, in fact, nothing to do with each other. Physical death is not happening and psychological/psychic death has been agreed upon for some time now. The fear that I am physically threatened is just an automatic reaction of the instinctual ‘self’ when close to extinction.

ALAN: The findings of LeDoux are, indeed, serendipitous and I have read them with great interest, though have not yet visited his website. The diagrams are extremely useful and one question which arises (to which I do not have an answer) – what happens in the brain when a PCE occurs? VINEETO: That is a fascinating question. I have also wondered how it might work in the brain. Mind you, whatever I say is mere speculation and still has to be explored and verified in the laboratories. My speculation is that in a Pure Consciousness Experience the connection from the amygdala to the neo-cortex is temporarily out of order, like when you get a numb foot from an interrupted blood circulation. Very often this temporary interruption is caused by drugs or brain-sourced chemicals in intense situations, be they near-death experiences, shock, intense fear, or overwhelming sensual input like sex or nature. Also a PCE can occur after contemplating on a vital issue, while gaining a sudden insight, or just as an accidental short-circuit. With this temporary disconnection of amygdala and neo-cortex there is no input from the instinctual self, and the psychological self becomes fleetingly redundant and keeps quiet until something triggers both the ‘selves’ back into action. ALAN: It is a delight to be discussing these matters with you, VINEETO: For me too, Alan, tumbling thoughts and glittering insights, crazy stories and a slow circling of the issue. ‘It has all the elements of a thriller’, like Peter says about his FreeCell games sometimes.

29.6.1999

ALAN: I see you have been having fun playing with computers. It is so satisfying when one explores the problem and, suddenly – whiz, bang wallop and one sees the result of one’s endeavours translated into action.

VINEETO: Yupp, and there were several ‘bang wallops’ here – learning all the new features about the new Microsoft Outlook, getting familiar with the web-site program FrontPage and, just the other day, with joint brainpower, seducing my computer to send and receive e-mails, certainly a very welcome improvement. Momentarily I am busy exploring Microsoft PhotoDraw, which was part of the software package, and making new – and better – schematic views of LeDoux’ findings about the instincts. The trick is to convert it into a web-usable picture and maintain at least some of its quality, which is quite stunning in the original, but much too heavy in KB. Something to play... Yes, it worked and you will soon see the result on the new page called ‘Our Animal Instincts in the Primitive Brain’.

Now to our ‘issue’ on hand, no PCE and the ever-ending of ‘me’...

ALAN: I have felt nary a trace of fear for the last 2 weeks or so. I am very aware of ‘my’ attempts to ‘grab’ for actuality, in a futile attempt for survival – and simply ‘note’ them. It is as though I am living constantly ‘on the edge’ of a PCE, without having a PCE and is quite delicious. So, I am just enjoying each moment and have (largely) stopped attempting to ‘get there’. I suspect there will not be any more PCEs and the next time I experience this moment of being alive will be permanent.

VINEETO: And to Peter you wrote: [Alan]: One thing I cannot explain is why I have not had a PCE for some time. My life now is, continuously, very close to a PCE, in that there is no (or very little) ‘self’ in existence. I experience my life as being 99% perfect. Every activity is a pleasure. What is missing is that extra sparkle and vivacity – the 360 degree awareness. Can one little connection in the brain make all that difference?

ALAN: Do you still experience PCEs?

VINEETO: I noticed that PCEs are different to the stunning delightful surprises in the beginning, which were full of tumbling realization, psychedelic-like experiences of my surroundings. They lately seem to be more rare and short minute-long flashes, just long enough to recognize the sparkle and the absence of ‘me’, before ‘I’ appear back on the scene. I put it down to the fear of the ‘real’ thing that might just ‘accidentally happen’ while ‘I’ am temporarily in abeyance, and also to the fact that my continuous persistent obsession with the final event is keeping fear close at hand and thus prevents the ‘extra sparkle’. Since you brought up the question I thought about it and figured that this fear is actually part of me keeping death at bay, as much as I may be convinced that I don’t do it – ‘I’ am verily lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning through and through.

But we have lots of very ordinary moments of living together, Peter doing his thing – being an architect or watching cricket or whatever else he takes pleasure in – and I do my thing – playing with pictures or on the website – and then we share lots of delightful pleasures of cooking, eating, a walk into town, a talk on the couch or a rompacious romp. These times seem so normal and ordinary that only in hindsight I recognize their innocence and particular taste of well-being. And then there are these moments, often hours of being excellent, but not quite experiencing a PCE, obsessed with the conundrum in my head of what is in the road of me disappearing. And while I am searching for and finding more and more blinding evidence that there is really, really no solution whatsoever within the boundaries of the ‘self’, there is this deliciously sweet and thrilling ‘taste or smell’ of the approaching inevitability, what Richard calls one’s destiny and I call ‘the proof of the pudding’. And, admittedly, that’s what I am more fascinated with than inducing a PCE.

In my exploration of what I can identify as ‘me’ I was wondering what made me feel guilty, impatient, frustrated and annoyed at not yet being able to prove that actual freedom is possible as the non-spiritual, down-to-earth route that Richard mapped out after his extraordinary journey. What I found, surprise, surprise, was that I was hanging on to a feeling of integrity of ‘me’, which was causing these feelings to erupt. When I examined what that word ‘integrity’ really means, I discovered that this highly valued humanitarian value had been a great support for my investigation of feelings, emotions, beliefs and instincts. It appears in the same basket as sincerity, honesty towards myself and the stubborn resistance to settle for second best. But nevertheless, integrity is nothing but a nice man-made value, developed presumable in the Middle Ages, with the legends of heroic knights and fair maiden, to keep the raw instincts at bay. And what’s integrity worth as it is only covering the underneath lurking instincts, old and rotten like ancient dinosaur bones. And I noticed that it is particularly the ‘good’ bits of the self that I am still defending.

Today we saw ‘Lord Nelson’s Affair’, a brilliant performance about Lord Nelson and his affair with the daring, ‘immoral’ mistress before his last battle at Trafalgar. He was trapped between enjoying his life with her and fighting for his country for duty, honour and glory, while she was trapped in her particular role. Musing about the moral standards then and today, the rules and punishments of society then and now, I cannot find any difference in terms of their success in tackling the all so obvious instincts in action. Nobody was happy then and nobody lived in peace then, and that fact is still the same. Everywhere I can see human beings attempting the impossible in thousands of different ways and always failing – nobody is happy and living in peace – there is no solution within the Human Condition of malice and sorrow. When everything else is said and ‘un-done’, when all the covering social and cultural conditioning of beliefs and emotions is removed, I am as much an instinctual being as were Mr. and Mrs. Cro-Magnon thousands of years ago. As long as these basic instincts are alive as ‘me’, I am just one of the 5.8 billion people in the world battling it out for survival – until I disappear, proving it possible for everyone to live in peace in his or her lifetime.

*

If you don’t physically survive, how can you be the first? Nobody would be around to tell of ‘your’ success. That simple female logic might help you find a safe solution. (It is really just female ‘logic’ and not common sense because it is so bent.)

ALAN: I thought you had given up female logic?

VINEETO: I’ll use anything that might work. Did it?

*

ALAN: There is no longer any confusion about the difference between psychological and physical death and, as already stated, there has been no ‘fear’ for some days – and likewise no chemicals being released – so, no palpitations, no sweats etc. My point was, and is, that ‘I’ cannot distinguish between the psychological extinction of ‘me’ in my entirety and this body’s physical death. So, I still suspect that, at the moment of release into actual freedom, ‘I’ will imagine that ‘I’ am about to physically die – pure speculation until one of us ‘does the deed’. As you say, common-sense (and the PCE) tells us that it is not necessary to physically die – but when was ‘I’ ever persuaded by common-sense? Mind you, it is common-sense that is being used to persuade ‘me’ that ‘self’ immolation is the most noble sacrifice which ‘I’ can make – so who knows?

VINEETO: I would say that having 99% perfect days means that the brain is operating largely on common sense and not according to fact-distorting fears. With this common sense I can more and more let those instinctual emotions run in the background when they occur while taking care of my physical well-being or playing FreeCell. You stated something similar further down:

ALAN: Great fun – our explorations of the ‘primal self’ – the instinctual passions – seem to indicate that the predominant instinct is for ‘my’ survival, though ‘nurture’ can over-ride this on occasion – to give up one’s life for one’s children, for example. Threatening this ‘primal self’ causes the instinct of fear (the ‘flight or fight’ response) to be triggered, with its consequent release of various chemicals, mainly adrenaline. It appears to be our common experience that a ‘frontal assault’ on this ‘primal self’ is likely to result in physical death, probably brought on by a heart attack. So, what is necessary is to ‘weaken the connection’ (speculation – brain cells dying), by simply enjoying this moment of being alive, paying less and less attention to ‘my’ enfeebled demands and letting the ‘process’ complete its work. And none of this matters one little bit because life is actually perfect and nothing ‘we’ can do can interfere one iota with that perfection.

VINEETO: A little addition about what I found out today – I consider the psychological death as real as a physical death because ‘I’ am going to lose importance, substance, life and this body. The logic is right – from the viewpoint of the ‘self’. In the clarity of a PCE or of those excellent moments I know that this logic is only the self-centred viewpoint of the ‘self’.

ALAN: I must admit to knowing insufficient about the physical processes which occur in the brain to do other than mere speculation – which does not, of course, prevent it being great fun to speculate. I agree with you that a PCE seems to be ‘caused’ by something – and you cite various examples. All of my PCEs (sex excluded) have been occasioned by intense thought, or contemplation. Twice, at least from pure ‘despair’ – and seeing no way out ‘I’ went into a blue funk and short-circuited the connection. The other times were caused by becoming more and more fascinated by ‘being here’ – again a ‘short-circuit’, caused by sensual overload (just realised this could explain the sexual PCE, also). So, the neural connections from the amygdala are temporarily ‘stunned’ and cease to pass on the synapses – they stop firing. Yet a ‘self’ still lurks there, as mentioned in my concurrent mail to Richard. What happens when actual freedom occurs? Do the brain cells making the connection actually die and, if so, presumably they gradually die so, why the ‘sudden’ release into actual freedom? And what happens when only the ‘ego’ expires and one becomes ‘enlightened’?

VINEETO: To join you in the speculation – what I understood so far about enlightenment from reports of masters, gurus, Richard’s explicit descriptions and my own experience is that in an Altered State of Consciousness one identifies completely with the ‘good’ feelings, and therefore with the ‘good’ instincts of nurture and desire. We might never know what actually happens in the brain because the best deal on the path to actual freedom is to not have ‘to grind one’s ship on the Rock of Enlightenment’. And, as we all found out in our latest exploration, not even to grind on the ‘Rock of Deadly Fear’. When trying to put on to paper a schematic view of the brain in Enlightenment, it became obvious that there are no ‘chemical facts’ researched yet, and therefore one cannot make any statements as to what is physically happening. Nevertheless, I am convinced that the ‘pop’ into actual freedom will be a sudden pop when the last psychic (neural?) connection to the Amygdala ceases and causes, or results in, the ending of ‘me’. You can be sure that I will report on whatever observations I am able to make. After all, this is a one in a lifetime story, never to be repeated by me again. What serendipity!

And what good fun to bounce our experience and questions back and forth like ping-pong, slowly hunting down the last objections to a ‘noble extinction’.

7.7.1999

VINEETO: It’s been a few days now, since I have written this post, because our server has been down for a week now. Since we are not really sure, how long it will take to get our connection running, we are sending today the mail from town – hotmail, in the ‘Global Café’, where all the boys and girls from everywhere on the planet take the chance to write home cheaply, saying, ‘Hello Mom, please send money, I am well’.

Last night in half-sleep I had a curious thought. I had worked all evening on the FrontPage web pages, going behind the page into HTML-mode to delete unnecessary commands and formatting. Some of these unnecessary commands are as long as

 <pclass="MsoBodyText" style="text-align:justify" ><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight:normal"> <span style="mso-spacerun: yes">&nbsp;</span>

and they are being repeated for every paragraph! While Peter was gently snoring, I mused, half-asleep myself, if I could go into his HTML-mode and change the formatting for his sounds. Then I realised that it was exactly what I have been doing all along with myself, finding and deleting my programmed formats right down to a ‘clean MS-DOS hardware’, simply by ‘find and replace’ as I did last night in FrontPage. Funny, how the brain continues for a while in half-sleep making its own non-sense.

As I already said to No 7, your post and his post have kept me investigating into the nature of my ‘obsession with the final event’. Your letter was an excellent opportunity to mull things over again and also to describe a bit more in detail what seems to be happening in these last weeks before the ‘pop’.

*

VINEETO: I noticed that PCEs are different to the stunning delightful surprises in the beginning, which were full of tumbling realization, psychedelic-like experiences of my surroundings. They lately seem to be rarer and just minute-long flashes, just long enough to recognize the sparkle and the absence of ‘me’, before ‘I’ appear back on the scene. I put it down to the fear of the ‘real’ thing that might just ‘accidentally happen’ while ‘I’ am temporarily in abeyance, and also to the fact that my continuous persistent obsession with the final event is keeping fear close at hand and thus prevents the ‘extra sparkle’.

ALAN: Could it be that the ‘continuous persistent obsession with the final event’ is what is keeping it from happening? This has been my experience of the last few days. I have (largely) given up the attempt to get ‘there’ and by concentrating more and more intently on what is happening and activating ‘delight’, the ease and palpable perfection, which Peter speaks of, has become more and more evident.

VINEETO: On further observation re ‘how PCEs and PCE-like times changed for me’ I can say that what I used to call a PCE in the beginning of my exploration into actual freedom is now only ‘PCE-like’. This has to do with the fact that I am well aware of the thin, condom-like layer of the ‘self’ separating me from the universe and thus preventing the 100% direct experience of the magical actual perfection. Life is nevertheless pretty magical, much more than ever before are my days filled with delicious deepened sensuous experiences, an easy well-being, a delightful doing what I am doing; but the ‘self’ is hardly ever completely absent. It seems that my observation has become sharper with there being less difference between ‘normal’ and ‘magical’.

The second thing is that I wasn’t quite accurate when I said: ‘I put it down to the fear of the ‘real’ thing that might just ‘accidentally happen’ while ‘I’ am temporarily ‘in abeyance’. I know that ‘it’ won’t happen ‘accidentally’ but that it might soon happen by deliberate choice – and I have been toying with, observing closely and trying to understand the feelings and instincts about this death of ‘me’. No big realisation has come out of it but a gradual deepening of understanding the term ‘in concurrence’ that Richard used in the correspondence below. I am finding subtle objections, smug and cunning excuses, impatient pushing or worry that sometimes surface and need to be examined, and I have now developed a thorough knowledge about, and a familiarity with, my fears and survival mechanisms like one does with pet-dogs. I reckon that I won’t be likely to be surprised or overtaken by any of them any longer.

‘Being obsessed with the final event’ provides me with the force to disengage from the magnetic-like gravity of the survival instincts, and to venture in the opposite direction of Human Nature. This obsession consists of sincere intent, stubbornness, bloody-mindedness and a – sometimes grim – determination not to settle for second best. Of course, it can also border on worry, impatience or anxiety but, then again, investigating these feelings is part of ‘doing what is happening’ as well – finding the reasons for the emotional ripples and eliminating them. Mulling it over thoroughly, I have come to the conclusion that it does not matter if my obsession prevents a ‘real PCE’ or not, what matters is that I am charging with full speed ahead into my demise and that I enjoy each moment of it. If nothing else, the description of my obsession is good material for anybody who can make use of it in one way or the other.

On second thought I may be simply obsessed with catching up with you guys...

Here is a particular bit from Richard about ‘how do ‘I’ do it’, that I found significant and inspiring –

Richard: To die means to die (extinct means not exist) ... to die does not mean to continue to be in existence and ‘be attent to the totality’. ‘My’ question was: How on earth am ‘I’ to do this?

Co-Respondent: Elaborate this...

Richard: Given that ‘I’ knew, via direct experience, that ‘I’ could never, ever become perfect or be perfection ... then the only thing ‘I’ could do – the only thing ‘I’ had to do – was die (psychologically and psychically self-immolate) so that the already always existing perfection could become apparent. So when I asked (as an open question) ‘how do ‘I’ do it?’ the essential character of the perfection of ‘the physical infinitude’ of this material universe was enabled by ‘my’ concurrence. Richard, List B, No. 34a, 7.6.1999

And in another post he described such the outcome –

Richard: ... if I were to become more relaxed I would be but a smear of grease upon the floor. Richard, List B, No 17a, 15.9.1998

3.9.1999

VINEETO: It’s been a while since I have written on the Freedom List. I figured that other than telling one imaginary story or another I had nothing substantially to talk about, and I think there are already enough stories around from Vineeto exploring fear and death. These stories will have slightly different nuances for each person on the path to Freedom, they may not even happen at all or be less extensive, given since that territory has been well explored and described by the first handful of actualists. With every human being starting on the path to freedom and reporting about their findings the journey gets easier for the next people. But everybody gets to have his or her own adventure, that’s the nature of the game of freedom.

Even though I had nothing to report, I have been enjoying life in an everyday Virtual Freedom; sometimes the days look so ‘normal’ that I wonder what has really changed in the course of the last two years. This experience of ‘normal’ has to do with the fact that emotions, mood swings and feelings have almost completely left me, including the feeling of happiness that was an almost frantic excitement and incorporated the relief of being temporarily free from fear and sorrow. Now I would call the experience ‘carefree’, ‘being without a worry in the world’, and the days happen one after the other with so little structure that I sometimes wonder if I haven’t forgotten anything vitally important. But no, everything essential is taken care of – the rent gets paid regularly, I manage to remember my work-appointments with the help of the computer, and it is obvious when the fridge needs stocking up. And that’s all there is to the structure of everyday-life, really. All structures, plans and worries I used to have were due to one or the other of my survival instincts, like pressure from the peer group, the need to disperse boredom or meaninglessness, or fears in terms of health, old age or financial disaster. Now, when any such non-sensical instinctual worry pops up, it is easy to decide what is actually necessary to do and what is just hot air.

To come back to the story I wanted to tell –

Driving home last night after a full working day I wondered what was really the difference between me now and me some time ago. I felt as ‘normal’ as one can be; no outstanding events had happened in the day, there was just a quiet enjoyment of the different tasks I had to do. Was that all there was to life, a non-emotional, non-eventful pleasant day-by-day living, but without the sparkle and magic of a pure consciousness experience? Was I maybe missing the mark, was I a few degrees off course or overlooking something essential here? Doubt crept in – and the impatience I have known so well from the last weeks.

Coming home, Peter introduced me to the term ‘limbo’. There was a report about a film called ‘Limbo’ on TV and he had looked it up in the dictionary:

Limbo: 1 A region supposed in some beliefs to exist on the border of Hell as the abode of the just who died before Christ’s coming and of unbaptized infants. 2 An unfavourable place or condition, likened to limbo; esp. a condition of neglect or oblivion to which people or things are consigned when regarded as superseded, useless, or absurd; an intermediate or indeterminate condition; a state of inaction or inattention pending some future event. Comb.: limbo-lake the abode of spirits or tormented souls. Oxford Dictionary

Well, I definitely could relate to that description, I know the ‘place or condition of neglect or oblivion to which people or things are consigned when regarded as superseded, useless, or absurd’, and I also know well this ‘intermediate or indeterminate condition; a state of inaction or inattention pending some future event’. And some feelings of doubt, lost-ness or insecurity about the right direction are very normal when one is in limbo. Suddenly all made sense again – o.k., if I am in limbo, that must be par for the course. How could I ever think that anything could go wrong? It was a great relief to realize that nowhere can I go wrong or miss the mark – limbo is a place of no direction and no movement. My only responsibility now is to keep my foot off the brakes; all else is proceeding perfectly well.

While contemplating upon where I could possibly stand on the brakes, I noticed a slight shift in my determination. How long am I going to play in this safe ‘sandbox’ called Virtual Freedom, and when will I finally grow up and actually do what I have been thinking and talking about for two years – to be free, irreversibly, without leaving a backdoor open to revert to ‘normal’ or slip back into having an identity should being free become too scary? It was like straightening from a hunched position of playing in the sandbox, leaving the well-known safe area behind and standing upright. Virtual Freedom has become a nursery and it is becoming too small a playground. And it seemed immensely sensible to move on, just like leaving home when I have grown up. When leaving my parent’s home there was no regret, not much fear but an immense excitement to explore the big wide world. Now the situation seems similar. Just the next sensible thing to do. Just doing it. Stop imagining it, stop desiring it, stop thinking about it, and, for heaven’s sake, stop feeling about it. Just doing it. I don’t mean repressing any upcoming thoughts or feelings, but to stop feeding the ‘engine’, whenever I have a choice.

In my head the line of the American folksong was playing over and over again: ♪ ‘The night, they drove ol’ [Vini] down, and all the bells were ringing...’ ♫ I went to the couch to follow up on this hot trail of contemplation and there it was – the sudden recognition and experience that the universe was breathing me, I was part of the big rhythm of life in its infinite variety, just one of 6 billion people, one human being out of the vast and boundless immensity and magnificence of this infinite, eternal, alive, magical and perfect universe, being breathed, being lived, being here, moment by moment. And it is safe, utterly safe, because this experience also makes clear that the physical universe is benevolent. As much as there is no fear in a rock or a tree there is no malice in a rock or a tree. There may be volcanic eruptions or earthquakes as part of earthly events, but there is no malice in that the rock is directed at me to destroy me. The universe is not out to get me, on the contrary, it is supportive and benevolent; the idea of danger was simply part of my chemically-supported instinctual imaginary identity.

In this moment I understood that survival instincts are indeed redundant. With no identity there is no threat and no need to fight for survival. The instinctual survival program has done a great job to facilitate evolution, species by species, to this point in time. Now sensate and reflective human beings are the peak of this development so far – and the next opportunity for evolving has come into reach – life without the instincts of fear, aggression, nurture and desire, life without identity, life without the feeling of separation from the rest of the universe.

While having these realizations, I had to check if there was possibly some grand ‘me’ lurking around the corner, someone wanting to claim the merit of this insight – but no, I was simply acknowledging the facts and delighting in the experience that the universe is breathing me, as it has always done. It is only throughout my life that ‘I’ had an altogether different story going in my head and heart.

Using the opportunity, I looked around for the remaining ‘self’. It was but a shed skin, twitching and jerking like a headless chook, pretending to have a life on its own, pretending to be actual. A very strange experience, while the stomach was trembling with thrill and the chemical hormones did their number, I could see the non-actual-ness of ‘me’, the passionate yet imaginary player that plays its part very convincingly. It will never have the same convincing effect again.

And all the while I am thrilled to the bone and rolling in the pleasure of being alive, each moment again.

PS: Here is a bit of Richard’s writing that I found perfectly fitting to my present situation, having done everything that ‘I’ could do to clean myself up ...

Richard: It is very important to have confidence in your own ability to discriminate between current human knowledge and what you personally know from your own peak experiences. This will give you that optimism that is the ability to plough on regardless of whatever stands in your way until you evoke your destiny. It is not a matter of having faith or believing that it is possible; it is not a matter of trusting or hoping that it will happen to you; it is all to do with the solid knowing, born out of the peak experience, that it is here for you and anyone ... if only you will act upon your knowing. This ‘action’ amounts to – at times – ‘talking yourself into it’, for the other alternative is to let doubt and disbelief and distrust and despair eat away at your resolve. Only you can manifest your own freedom.

However, once embarked upon the ‘wide and wondrous path’, you are not on your own: the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe is with you all the way ... but if you waver, you are indeed on your own. It is a matter of having the courage of your convictions and letting nothing stand in your way; determination and perseverance are the essential prerequisites to ensure success ... coupled with application and diligence. Having the ‘courage of your convictions’ has nothing to do with believing, trusting, hoping or having faith that it be possible. I, for one, never believed, trusted, hoped or had faith that it was possible, for such an action of believing, trusting, hoping and having faith perpetuates the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. On the contrary, I could no longer believe that it was not possible – which is a different action entirely to believing, trusting, hoping and having faith that it is possible – thus dispensing with the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. Do you see this?

For example: Doubt is believing it not to be possible ... doubt is actually an action of believing, which supports the believer. Faith is believing that it is possible ... which also supports the believer ... and thus, either way, the believer pushes freedom away into an ever elusive future.

All this stemmed from my peak experience in which I experienced the purity and the perfection of life itself – here and now – and thus saw that what others had perceived as being our reward after physical death already existed ... at this moment in time and this place in space. Thus I ceased believing that life on earth was a grim business with only scant moments of reprieve ... yet I did not start believing in perfection. To repeat: I stopped believing, period. All sorrow and malice stems from the activity of believing ... which arises from the believer. ‘I’, as a psychological and psychic entity , can only believe – or disbelieve – in possibilities and impossibilities. In the peak experience ‘I’ temporarily abdicated the throne and I knew, by direct experience, that freedom was already actual. It was ‘I’ that was the problem, not the absence of perfection. When ‘I’ ceased to be, perfection became, as always, apparent. By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.

Perfection is already always here. Yet ‘I’, by believing in a remembered perfection, chase an ever-elusive chimera into an ever-receding future. Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around ... and perfection, which is only of the moment, becomes apparent. ‘I’ have ceased to be. By ‘doing nothing’ I mean neither believing nor disbelieving; neither having faith nor having doubt; neither trusting nor distrusting; neither hoping nor despairing. In short, one’s superb confidence and overweening optimism precipitates ‘my’ demise ... ‘I’ do not make freedom happen ... ‘I’ allow the universe to ‘disappear’ the ‘me’ that I was ... and perfection has become apparent. ‘I’ did not invoke perfection, for it already is here ... and it is here now, not off into the future. It may have taken some time to eventuate, as ‘I’ got whittled away, yet when that time came, it was already here ... because it is always now.

To sum up: ‘I’ do not make perfection happen because it is already always here. What ‘I’ do is to ‘stand still’ and unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur. To do this, ‘I’ cease believing, hoping, trusting and having faith ... without falling into disbelief, despair, distrust or doubt. ‘I’, having the courage of ‘my’ convictions – which is the confidence born out of the solid knowing as evidenced in the peak experience – thus developing a superb confidence and an overweening optimism. Thus nothing can stand in ‘my’ way in this, the adventure of a life-time. It is not for the faint of heart or the weak of knee ... but pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude. Richard, private E-mail Correspondence