RESPONDENT: I thank you for the reply. I am wanting to talk to anyone, peter is just who I found on the sannyas list. In fact talking to you is an added advantage. I will give the most determined attention to what you have written (indeed, I have read 99% of everything on the web page, your little bit was very interesting I might add). Unfortunately I have not been able to find the courage to talk to my girlfriend about Actual Freedom. When she and I first got to know each other I introduced my thoughts to her about spirituality (I was a Zen Buddhist) and I have since dropped all those things: spirituality, religiousness, etc.

VINEETO: Wouldn’t it be a great idea to introduce your girlfriend to the actual freedom website or mailing list and give her an equal opportunity to find out for herself – that is, if she wants to. Maybe the chapters of ‘Living Together’ and ‘bit of Vineeto’ are good for a start.

RESPONDENT: We do discuss things such as little specifics about being humans (instincts, male functioning and female functioning), but when we talk about spirituality, such as the meaning of life and what happens at/after death, and she has her belief that something happens after death, although she doesn’t know what exactly. I state my thoughts and leave it at that, I don’t want to confront her about her beliefs and start arguments, trying to impose my thinking on her.

VINEETO: When I started my investigation with Peter, as you have read in my bit of the journal, I was very much in the world of Osho and Sannyas. But Peter and I had come to an agreement to investigate everything that would be in the road between us. Peter did decide not confront me about my beliefs, because that would have been interfering into my life and disturbing our harmony. But I decided to check out my beliefs, in my timing, because they were a hindrance of us living together intimately in peace, harmony and equity. Nobody can do it for anybody else. Everybody has to do it for themselves. That is the freedom about it.

RESPONDENT: Also I don’t want to (ie – I fear to) expose what I have found about actual freedom to her at this point in time, rather I would like to experience some of the happiness that is described by you and Peter, and etc. that comes with actual freedom before I discuss it with her so that I can say ‘yes, the leap is possible, you can make that jump!’

VINEETO: You explore freedom for yourself; she might become interested – or not. If you want her to be in a certain way, then there is something in you, some emotion, some investment, some idea, that keeps you from being happy right now. Then that’s maybe worth investigating within you.

RESPONDENT: Also there is the fear that I will lose her (of being alone) if I force her to.

VINEETO: It was the most crucial understanding that the only one I can change is myself. Changing somebody else in order to be happy is simply a waste of time. And nobody wants to be changed by somebody else anyway. Even if you succeed, you then will be dependant on this ‘adjusted’ person.

Much better to investigate and clean yourself up, become happy and free of your fears, instincts and emotions. Then your happiness does not depend on what the other does or not does. Then, spending time together is a delight born out of being at ease and a bonus on top of it.

RESPONDENT: PS – you have my permission to put what I wrote (and what you wrote) on to the list.

VINEETO: Thank you. Welcome to the actual freedom list.

13.1.1999

RESPONDENT: I have come to a point in my life now where there is a ‘spring cleaning’ necessary. This happens every now and then. I question my beliefs and assumptions and examine all (or try to) my most dear things in my life. In the past when this happened I reverted to spirituality (Buddhism then Oshoism) but now I have found Richard’s method and I feel I am starting to make progress even though I have only just started.

VINEETO: Nice that you are here to join the conversation.

This is great, isn’t it. To clean out one’s cupboard – as I call it – for cobwebs and all kinds of strange or generally agreed-on ideas and beliefs. Have you already discovered some of the nitty-gritty of your spiritual beliefs around Buddha and Osho?

Richard and Alan have a very interesting conversation going on about the difference between an Altered State of Consciousness (ASC) – which is the basic teaching of all Eastern gurus – and a peak-experience (PCE).

And I had some conversations with No 4 and No 3 about ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ You might have found something on the Sannyas list as well that facilitates the questioning. I have put all our correspondence on our website, if you are interested.

RESPONDENT: I am still trying to muster up the money to buy Richard’s journal (there is some money delegation worries at the moment) but I will content myself with reading what I have found on the web site, and continue to examine my beliefs and such.

Reading through what has been written on the website and mailing list, I see that people are successful with actual freedom and I want in! :-)

VINEETO: Examining, questioning and eliminating one belief after another will bring you closer to your senses and closer to experience this moment in its actuality. My senses have incredibly improved in the process of the last 18 months – the colours are more vivid, the sounds more distinct, the smells more prevalent and the taste buds dancing with every bit of food or every cup of coffee. With the senses I experience the delights of this magical universe.

RESPONDENT: All that stuff that Irene talked about – disciplehood, etc. – did it ever lead anywhere??? She seems to be making a point (her interpretation of her encounter with you, peter and Richard) but from the conversations of the mailing list, I do not see anyone trying to ‘convert’ anyone else.

VINEETO: Yes, the conversation is not about ‘converting’ or to ‘lead anywhere’, but to have a sincere discussion about what it is to be a human being.

RESPONDENT: Who is Irene anyway??

VINEETO: Richard describes it well in his letter to Alan:

Richard: ‘I owe a lot to my companion at the time for her persistence in endeavouring to ‘unmask the guru’. Richard’s Correspondence, The Actual Freedom Trust Mailing List, Alan

30.1.1999

RESPONDENT: Yes, I too would like to continue our conversation in the mailing list. I would love to show others who doubt the results of actual freedom and H.A.I.E.T.M.O.B.A. (How Am I Experiencing This Moment Of Being Alive), ...

Just thought I would update you on what has been happening with ‘me’. I came to a great realization yesterday. Y’see I was having trouble with my girlfriend <snip> (which) led to a feeling of being ‘taken for granted’. I was in such a shitty mood that the only thing I could think of was <snip> to go home. So I did. Luckily at home I was able to examine my feelings by analyzing why I was feeling so shitty! When I looked into it I realised <snip> that my expectations came from my parents. When I was growing up my parents were, and still are, very physically and verbally affectionate with each other. I saw the happiness and success of this relationship and it has been, unconsciously, my model for all of my relationships including my present one. Realizing that it was silly of me to expect my girlfriend to be as affectionate toward me as my mother is towards my father I feel I am now free to recognize when ‘I’ am creating expectations of my girlfriend. I realise it is silly of me to have expectations because me and my girlfriend are NOT my father and mother. <snip> What a relief it was to realise this! And to stop blaming her and recognize that it was ME all along who was causing problems and blaming her! I now see that pain that my expectations/beliefs about relationships have caused me, and I have seen the hurt that it causes my girlfriend and I realised that ‘yes, I too am malicious’. This was a big blow to the psyche, especially since I had raised myself on spiritual literature to make me think I was somehow upright and honourable :-)

VINEETO: That is how I have started investigation, and after a while it becomes such a thrill. The more I found out, the more life with Peter and other people became easier, because more of ‘me’ was out of the way. And there are layers upon layers to discover, especially in the way we relate to other people. It is a great playground.

After one insight I was keen for the next. After finding an ‘expectation’ in me because of a certain social conditioning I was wondering, where have I been trained to fulfill ‘expectations’ in the other, only to build up a secret bank account of resentment. And on the exploration goes... And it is so fascinating to explore into the Human Condition and to discover how it works in oneself, isn’t it?

RESPONDENT: You know, the more I practice it, the more I come to realise that the methods outlined by yourself, Peter and Richard do result in more happiness and less maliciousness. Now whenever I have a doubt about actual freedom then I just have to consider the results: no reliance on spirituality, more understanding and awareness in relationships, etc. to let me know that I am on a ‘tried and true’ path. It really is wonderful! I just have to keep at it. It is sooo simple, yet sooo hard :-)

VINEETO: Yeah, such good fun. It’s like walking along a wonderful country lane and throwing one stone out of one’s backpack after the other, first one is less bent by the weight, then upright with only the head a bit hanging, then looking forward to the next challenge and the next delight. Sooo hard because of fear trying to pull you back, sooo simple because it is wonderfully freeing with each ‘stone’ removed.

And the best of all, everyone does it for themselves, you walk your own path to freedom.

1.2.1999

RESPONDENT: One thing I have discovered through investigating my beliefs is that those who perpetuate (and create) the beliefs are those who will profit from it. One example is Astrologers. They make their money by predicting people’s futures for money. Most thinking people would regard astrologers’ claims to foresight as nonsense, yet who cannot resist to ‘check their stars’ in the local rag? :-) I for one used to do this, probably in the vain hope that my future would be rosy, and I didn’t have to do anything to ensure it but to maintain my survival. Fortunately I now have the methods to investigate those beliefs which repress happiness and harmlessness.

VINEETO: I was one of those gullible people too. What a hoot when one can see through the sham and cut the tie to another one of those beliefs that the Human Condition is made. Why should the rocks that are flying through space, named after Greek or Roman Gods, determine that April to August 2001, I will be sad and angry...? Believing astrologers only means that I wanted to blame something else (supposedly more powerful than me) as a reason why I wasn’t happy or harmless.

RESPONDENT: Whilst I have no memory of a PCE, I do remember that I used to sit outside my parents’ house and contemplate the beauty around me until I one day came to a point where there was, for a split second, no ‘me’ there. Unfortunately the feeling function kicked in suddenly I felt the ‘tremendous love’ for the universe and ‘God’. This unfortunate incident led me down the path of the spiritual seeker who is trying to attempt to ‘make sense of it all’.

VINEETO: I know from my own experience how tempting this grand feeling of ‘tremendous love’ for all is. I am glad that Richard had warned us not to ground on the ‘Rock of Enlightenment’, so I did not have to get lost into that passionate fantasy for too long. But it is good that I had the experience of that tremendous love so clearly because I know now from my own experience, where not to go. It only leads to power, sorrow for all and the whole enlightenment-saga.

That ‘split second’ of your experience is, as Alan points out, a fascinating bit, a split second of a PCE. When such a moment comes around the corner next time, you could stay with the physical – with the actual – with the senses. Then feelings of love and beauty have less chance to overtake the pure consciousness experience.

RESPONDENT: Since I came across H.A.I.E.T.M.O.B.A. (how am I experiencing this moment of being alive?) I now delight in finding out more facts about this physical universe, especially the functioning of the human body and mind. I had first lost this delight when I began down the spiritual path as I was taught that ‘this is all an illusion’. This insidious bullshit called religion has plagued me for too long. There is much more freedom now to explore, and delight in this exploration, of the Human Condition. There is also a satisfaction in myself being responsible for myself and not delegating responsibility to some divine being.

That’s all for now,

VINEETO: Yeah, so good that I ‘restored’ the good old brain out of the shed after years of attempted ‘no-mind’, to de-rust it and oil it, and have one exploration after the other. After all this groping in the dark for the ‘inner world’ which ‘cannot be spoken off in words’, I had finally a reliable tool to sort out for myself what is silly and what is sensible. It was a bit of a bummer for my pride to find out that most things I had done were silly, or even really silly, but then I delighted in the possibility and freedom become more and more sensible.

Good to talk to you.

6.2.1999

VINEETO: Good to hear from you, and that you are having fun.

Yeah, so good that I ‘restored’ the good old brain out of the shed after years of attempted ‘no-mind’, to de-rust it and oil it, and have one exploration after the other. After all this groping in the dark for the ‘inner world’ which ‘cannot be spoken off in words’, I had finally a reliable tool to sort out for myself what is silly and what is sensible. It was a bit of a bummer for my pride to find out that most things I had done were silly, or even really silly, but then I delighted in the possibility and freedom become more and more sensible.

RESPONDENT: Yes it is good to encourage oneself to think again after being told that thoughts were the problem with my existence. I am glad I go back to uni in a few weeks. I did quite well last year even though most of my time was spent reading books on Osho and Buddhism. Now I can concentrate on my studies, and delight in it too!

It will also be good to get away from the idiot box. If I see Oprah Winfrey trying to get America to ‘remember your spirit’ one more time!! Heh heh. It is quite funny to see the superstars become more spiritual as the Y2000 comes around. I wonder if Oprah will eventually become disillusioned with the results of the spiritual efforts, oh well, it is none of my business anyway! I am making my life more happier and harmless and that is all I can do :-) I think I should go for a walk in the sunshine :-)

VINEETO: It was great fun for me to de-rust my brain and train it so I could work out my emotions, beliefs and finally the instincts. The brain is the only tool we have to re-wire our brain, as strange as it may sound. One only needs a few ingredients, as Peter wrote the other day –

Peter: To even consider a journey into yourself to free yourself of the Human Condition requires a burning discontent with life as it is – both for yourself and for your fellow human beings.

It also requires a pioneering spirit to challenge Ancient Wisdom and the set-in-concrete mother of all beliefs – that ‘you can’t change Human Nature’.

Not to mention a good dose of bloody-mindedness, a touch of rebel, a sprinkle of panache and a dash of daring. Peter, List C, No 4

With a switched on brain, TV can become a useful tool to study the Human Condition, not only in me, but in its workings in everybody. Oprah Winfrey is a goldmine of information, and her all-round spirituality, that includes everyone’s superstitions, is quite revealing. You are making your own observations – but for me, I always used them back on me, to check my fears, my superstitions, my hypocrisy. And it helps immensely to remember that they are the Human Condition, in all of us, and not a personal quirk. I don’t find TV to be an idiot box at all. One doesn’t need to switch one’s brain off when watching... quite the contrary, it can be a fascinating source of valuable information for exploring the Human Condition.

7.2.1999

VINEETO: Yes it is great fun, we are just a handful of those who are desperate and daring enough to question the whole of Ancient Wisdom ... and it works on the way...

RESPONDENT: Hmm, when I consider it, yes, were are daring enough to step out from behind the backs of all the religious and spiritual teachers and release from them and are showing our willingness to ‘stand on our own two feet’!! Whilst having a conversation with my girlfriend last night, we discussed how both of us have propped up others during our lives; making them seem wanted and worthwhile. Allowing their fears and convincing them that their petty problems are important.

I suggested that it is time to let people stand on their own two feet, to not take responsibility for someone else taking offence at our actions. We all have a choice about whether or not we respond to the taunts of others, or whether we take on their problems as our own. People have to accept responsibility for their lives and stop shirking their problems on to others. Standing free in confidence and independence is how life is meant to be.

VINEETO: I found it fascinating to discover the various ‘contracts’ I had with people, like ‘I pat your back and you pat mine’, ‘I feel what you feel’, ‘I believe in your story and you believe in mine’. I could see that those contracts held me in the common belief that ‘we all need to stick together because life is dangerous and terrible’.

‘Standing free in confidence and independence’, as you say, meant for me that I did not try and change or blame others, but put all my eggs in one basket – fix myself up. I have written about it in our journal:

[Vineeto]: ‘Examining my experiences with, and behaviour towards, other people I found that I have always pursued my own goals in life, as I could see everyone else was doing. Whatever my good intentions and considerations for others, there was always an aspect of personal interest involved. Ultimately I had followed the moral of being unselfish and helping other people in order to be accepted and loved, to reach heaven or become enlightened. The other part of the deal was that I in turn expected to be helped should I be in need of support. ...

‘It was a great step towards an actual freedom and a permanent happiness when I learned for the first time that I could not only explore my emotions to their very core, but actually get rid of them and live without them. But it definitely meant giving up the means of power over men. Since I had already agreed to discard battling as the solution, it was obvious that I had to give up the fight first. If I want peace I can’t wait for the other to start to lay down his arms. This does not work. I have to give up battling because the battle itself is the problem. The solution is not to try and change somebody else, but to look into the very cause of my own unhappiness. Once this condition was understood and agreed upon, we could both cease battling, sit down and talk about any situation that caused disagreement.

Now I would not only ask myself, ‘how do I feel?’ but also question the very necessity of having this feeling. Understanding that emotion itself was a major component of my (female) identity, and of my ‘self’, allowed me to explore what lies behind any upcoming emotion – what thought, what belief, what investment, what instinct. By examining the validity of the underlying cause I was then able to eliminate the subsequent emotions, one by one. A Bit of Vineeto

RESPONDENT: People have to accept responsibility for their lives and stop shirking their problems on to others.

VINEETO: It is easier to see the problems in other people at first, but one never succeeds in changing other people. Besides, there are 5.8 billion of them and that is a lot to change. In actual freedom everybody has to do it for themselves. In my relating to others I had the simple and obvious guideline that I wanted to be both happy and harmless, which meant that I did not want to take on other’s sorrow nor cause harm to others. Whenever I discovered a feeling of annoyance, revenge, retribution, withdrawal, a snide or rude behaviour towards others, I knew that I was not harmless and that I had something to look at. And whenever I felt hurt, fearful, insulted, irritated, pitiful or compassionate, I knew that I was not happy and consequently had something to look at.

And with each discovery one is a little bit more free from the ties of the Human Condition.

12.2.1999

VINEETO: With a switched on brain, TV can become a useful tool to study the Human Condition, not only in me, but in its workings in everybody.

RESPONDENT: Yes, TV is an important medium for education about the Human Condition. I have always been fascinated in documentaries especially about the human body.

VINEETO: I discovered that I could also use all kinds of films to study different issues of the Human Condition – love-dramas and soap operas, historic films, war films, comedies, etc, etc. They all depict what is common to all people – the Human Condition. This way you also become aware what everybody believes, what everybody feels and is instinctually driven to do. An utterly fascinating and enjoyable tool. Right now there is a series on superstructures in the world on Discovery Channel (Satellite) which shows what technical progress and perfection humans are capable of. It also shows that most technology, science and engineering has been developed and used for war, to kill more efficiently. Such utter perversity.

RESPONDENT: I am really enjoying Richard’s Journal. The thoughts it raises are so factual and enjoyable to realise. I always had problems thinking that actual intimacy is greater than love. Yet the other day I realised that the times I have felt closest, and actually intimate, with my girlfriend have been those times where, instead of sweeping some issue under the carpet, we talk about our reactions and thoughts and generally the human condition. The other day this happened and I realised, ‘pow’, this is actual intimacy. It IS superior to love, it is just me and her talking about everything and anything. And the thing is that when we explore our reactions to an issue, there is a greater intimacy actually observable between us. If I didn’t have a word like ‘actual intimacy’ to describe I would call it ‘love’ as this is my only previous term of reference. :-)

VINEETO: Yes, I know what you mean. I had made no differentiation between love and the few short moments of intimacy that I had experienced, before I met Peter and Richard. So it was all one pot, one pan. Once I focused my attention on what it was that made me enjoy the time with Peter, if I did not feel love, I discovered that I enjoyed and valued our mutual undivided attention and our sincerity of investigating into ourselves. And one evening, click, suddenly I ‘saw Peter for the first time’ – meaning, I saw him as a human being, a man sitting across from me, and I had no feelings towards him whatsoever. And exactly that fact made the being together utterly intimate, there was nothing in the road between us, two actual human beings meeting each other – no expectation, no hope, no fear, no investment, no pulling of invisible strings. It was pure magic.

From that evening on, I became determined to eliminate love, whenever it popped up again, no matter what the dreams or fears were that accompanied the investigation. This moment of pure intimacy had been so delicious, so pure, so direct – it sure beats love by many country miles.

RESPONDENT: I decide to remember my PCE, and here is what I came up with:

So, armed with a pure intent based on the PCE and experiences of actual intimacy, I am setting forth on the road to an actual freedom; with the knowledge that the freedom I have experienced already is an actual event and not imagination. The road to actual freedom is indeed ‘wide and wondrous’ :-)

VINEETO: What a good description. And once you know the original, the experience of the world without the ‘I’, it is much easier to value it enough to go for the full freedom, to not be contented with substitutes and second rate solutions. Richard gave a wonderful description on how to induce a peak-experience:

Richard: ‘To get out of ‘stuckness’ one gets off one’s backside and does whatever one knows best to activate delight. Delight is what is humanly possible, given sufficient pure intent obtained from the felicity/ innocuity born of the pure consciousness experience, and from the position of delight, one can vitalise one’s joie de vivre by the amazement at the fun of it all ... and then one can – with sufficient abandon – become over-joyed and move into marvelling at being here and doing this business called being alive now. Then one is no longer intuitively making sense of life ... the delicious wonder of it all drives any such instinctive meaning away. Such luscious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté – the nourishing of which is essential if fascination in it all is to occur – and the charm of life itself easily engages dedication to peace-on-earth. Then, as one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes, out of the corner of one’s eye comes – sweetly – the magical fairy-tale-like paradise that this verdant earth actually is ... and one is the experiencing of what is happening.

But try not to possess it and make it your own ... or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. Richard, The Actual Freedom Trust Mailing List, Alan, 13.12.1998

There are many ways, the most successful for me was to remove the upcoming obstacles that appear on the wide and wondrous path of freedom – just tackle the issues when they occur and not avoid them – and the outcome is always delight.

It is good fun to read your experiments and experiences.

13.2.1999

VINEETO: Richard gave a wonderful description on how to induce a peak-experience:

Richard: To get out of ‘stuckness’ one gets off one’s backside and does whatever one knows best to activate delight. Delight is what is humanly possible, given sufficient pure intent obtained from the felicity/ innocuity born of the pure consciousness experience, and from the position of delight, one can vitalise one’s joie de vivre by the amazement at the fun of it all ... and then one can – with sufficient abandon – become over-joyed and move into marvelling at being here and doing this business called being alive now. Then one is no longer intuitively making sense of life ... the delicious wonder of it all drives any such instinctive meaning away. Such luscious wonder fosters the innate condition of naiveté – the nourishing of which is essential if fascination in it all is to occur – and the charm of life itself easily engages dedication to peace-on-earth. Then, as one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes, out of the corner of one’s eye comes – sweetly – the magical fairy-tale-like paradise that this verdant earth actually is ... and one is the experiencing of what is happening.

But refrain from possessing it and making it your own ... or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. Richard, The Actual Freedom Trust Mailing List, Alan, 13.12.1998

RESPONDENT: Which part of Richard’s Journal (ie – what article and page) does this quote come from?

VINEETO: It is not from Richard’s Journal. He sent it to me in a mail after a conversation we had, and then, 10 days later, Alan sent me the very same description. Richard had written to Alan about the same issue. I find it so good, one could almost hang it above one’s bed, what do you think?

RESPONDENT: Alan, in his latest post to me, gave me some advice on inducing PCEs as well. My pure intent is added to every time I remember the utter purity and peacefulness of my first PCE.

VINEETO: Life is good fun, isn’t it?

1.3.1999

VINEETO: How are you doing? Did you decide to move? We having this amazing wonderful tropical rainfall here for days and days – the rain that used to give me ‘cabin fever’ or depression – and now it is simply delightful in its abundance, sound and duration.

*

VINEETO: So, you’re having emotions surfacing. It is great when they come up, they are like balloon blown up so we can see them properly and discover what they are made of.

RESPONDENT: Yes, it is good for me to be able to observe the emotions as they arise, even better was that I was able to identify the actual response needed (ie- non-emotional) and sort it out. To realise the stupidity of anger is a beneficial result. ‘I’ had resentment for a few days, but by writing it down I was able to sort it out. Having a personal journal helps all the thoughts flow and gives some physical coherence to otherwise jumbled thinking. :-)

VINEETO: We just had a great discussion about feelings on the list. When you say the response needed was non-emotional – in my experience it never works when one merely tries to keep emotions down. It’s like trying to keep a balloon under water – it will always pop up again. Only when I sorted them out, like you did in your journal, and dismantled the underlying beliefs, investments, dreams, hopes, expectations and finally instincts, was I able to find the root and ‘realise the stupidity’ of that bit of the Human Condition.

*

VINEETO: Sounds like you are looking for the best practical solution in terms of where you want to live, with whom and what are your preferred conditions, weighing one against the other. And then the emotions come in and ‘spoil’ the game...

RESPONDENT: It was more like the emotion occurred first in response to the situation, but then sensible thought came in and sorted the mess out.

VINEETO: But following the anger there came resentment? We have been well trained to put the emotion aside to deal ‘sensibly’ in a situation, but the emotion does not disappear. The spiritual version has been to dis-identify, as in – ‘this is not me, just my ego...’. By neither repressing nor expressing the emotion one is able to discover that particular aspect of the Human Condition in oneself that gave rise to the emotion in the first place. It is studying one’s own inner workings, seeing the tricks of the cunning entity that inhabits each of us. Have you ever watched a magician at work? His tricks look all so coherent and really miraculous, but once you know his tricks, the credibility of his whole show falls in a heap, it is not convincing anymore. The same applies to the ‘self’ – once one of its tricks is dismantled, one particular conviction or belief, one emotional response to a situation, it does not work so well the next time, and the third time it won’t work at all... Then one corner of the ‘self’ has been cleaned out. One track in the brain has been re-wired.

*

VINEETO: Isn’t it serendipitous how it all plays together, finding the words that are applicable for the present situation... Finding layers and layers, ‘ghost-busters’ as Alan calls them. Sometimes I found the reason for being pissed at a different corner than expected, apparently nothing to do with the situation, but always to do with ‘me’, my ideas how things should be. And what is left after the emotion is sorted out is simply the most sensible solution to the particular situation.

RESPONDENT: Yes that is often the case. The reason is being hidden and when it is uncovered it is usually a BIG blow to the psyche. :-) ha ha

VINEETO: As a kid I had always liked detective stories. And now I am playing a detective on my own ‘mystery-case’ – how to find and remove this elusive and cunning alien entity that inhabits my physical body since birth – and funnily enough, learn all about the Human Condition as well. They are all more or less the same. And after ‘every big blow’ one is more alive than ever!

What a joke.

*

VINEETO: A joke Richard sent me once –

Extract from the Australian Unique Studies Program

1. Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
2. Rubber protection should be worn whenever any Specimens are played with.
3. Illegal to own more than one, however, several can be maintained in different locations as long as the specimens do not come into contact with each other.

5.3.1999

RESPONDENT: Yes, I had heard about the recent downpour of rain in your region. It has been raining here, giving a decent rain. I have decided to stay where I am for now. Recently I have been feeling great despair. I was feeling sick the other night and ‘I’ realised that no-one was there to help me. My parents were 2 hours away at their home, and my girlfriend was at least 30 minutes away. There was so much hurt at being so alone. I keep trying to console myself by reminding myself that as a body I have always been alone ever since birth. But through dismantling the self has left me with the knowledge that ‘I’ will feel alone, like I do.

VINEETO: It seems hard sometimes when you are fully confronted with some part of the Human Condition – in your case the fear of being helpless and the sorrow of being alone. It is essential to understand that this is the condition we are all inflicted with, whatever each person might do to ease the full impact of it. And now, that the hope for consolation and being part of a close-knit community has lost some of its conviction for you, the fear of being alone becomes even more obvious.

Richard wrote to No 7 the other day:

Richard: All sentient beings are endowed by blind nature with instincts ... mainly fear and aggression and nurture and desire. The dominant one is fear ... at base fear is both the barrier and the gateway to the actual world. There is nothing so thrilling as a trip through fear ... and then one comes out the other side. There is no fear here, in this actual world where I live. Not even disquietude, uneasiness, nervousness or apprehension ... let alone anxiety, angst, fear, terror, horror or dread.

It is not a case of ‘facing fear’ ... one can use it to swing through to this actual world ... leaving one’s ‘self’ behind, where it belongs, in the ‘real-world’. Richard, The Actual Freedom Trust Mailing List, No 7, 24.1.1999

The trouble is that mostly we believe those feelings to be factual. We believe in their reality, in their substance – fear can create any horror story in the head and you start to tremble. I remember many times in my investigation into the Human Condition when I was lying on the couch shivering in fear; but I was determined not to let it overtake me, i.e. make me do silly things, make me dependant on another’s useless consolation. Not running away and not acting it out, the storm would eventually subside allowing me to examine exactly the cause of the particular fear. Then the thrilling and exciting part of the investigation started, the door to a new discovery, the tackling of the fear and leaving it behind as the mirage it is.

So yes, the journey to actual freedom is sometimes sprinkled with fear – after all, you are taking apart the very self you think and feel you are. Peter’s Chapter on Fear might have some insights for you.

RESPONDENT: The despair, the desolation, and the thoughts that life is not worth living occur and leave me flattened. Your advice would be appreciated. The thought of giving up on actual freedom has occurred many times – ‘is this worth it?’ I keep asking myself. I know to much now to ever rely on religion like I have in the past (eg. the most recent example of this was two years ago after I finished school, a few months later I had my first PCE), so what to do I don’t know.

VINEETO: What would change if you give up pursuing actual freedom? You would still be living in fear. Maybe soothed by a fairy dream-world of religious or spiritual beliefs and consolations – if you manage to believe in them again. Actual freedom gives you the option to tackle the fears as they come along and actually eliminate them, so as never to return again. You are not only the one who is having fear, you are also the investigator, the scientist. You investigate when fear rocks you to the core like a meteorologist would investigate a cyclone.

The outcome of tackling the Human Condition, one’s emotions and instincts, is astounding, a day to day life beyond your wildest dreams – happy and harmless, day by day, month by month. Have a look at Peter’s writing on virtual freedom, just to get a picture of how our life has improved over the last 2 years on the Library page of ‘Virtual Freedom’. You might need some time to read when you explore all the links.

Actual freedom is not a small thing to do, not like meditating a few hours per week without much impact on the rest of one’s life. It is a full time investigation and everything that comes up and happens in life is part of that investigation. It’s actual. And, with diligence and persistence, it works.

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VINEETO: But following the anger there came resentment? We have been well trained to put the emotion aside to deal ‘sensibly’ in a situation, but the emotion does not disappear. The spiritual version has been to dis-identify, as in – ‘this is not me, just my ego...’ By neither repressing nor expressing the emotion one is able to discover that particular aspect of the Human Condition in oneself that gave rise to the emotion in the first place. It is studying one’s own inner workings, seeing the tricks of the cunning entity that inhabits each of us. Have you ever watched a magician at work? His tricks look all so coherent and really miraculous, but once you know his tricks, the credibility of his whole show falls in a heap, it is not convincing anymore. The same applies to the ‘self’ – once one of its tricks is dismantled, one particular conviction or belief, one emotional response to a situation, it does not work so well the next time, and the third time it won’t work at all... Then one corner of the ‘self’ has been cleaned out. One track in the brain has been re-wired.

RESPONDENT: Hmm, that makes sense, and my experiences so far would show this to be true. I just need to keep going with it, not giving up. I think that if I had a recent PCE then that would help even better.

VINEETO: At quite an early point on my way to actual freedom I found that as I proceeded the rungs of the ‘ladder’ would disappear behind me. With every understanding of a particular belief that belief lost its substance – I could not believe it anymore, the rungs disappeared by the very fact of seeing it as a belief instead of a truth. The same applied to feelings and emotions. Realizing that my emotion consisted of a combination of my instincts and vivid imagination they lost their credibility. This understanding made it clear that every attempt to give up was merely a postponing of what I had already seen as the desirable goal in life – to be free from malice and sorrow. And as for postponement – the very fact that there is no life after death puts postponement in its place – a waste of precious time, time that I could be happy was wasted in delay because of my lack of courage. That understanding spurred me on, it gave me back pressure to persist in spite of fear, fright, apprehension, trembling or cowering. Yes, fear is par for the course but one can do something about it, one can ride on the thrill into yet another discovery.

As for PCE – Alan wrote a good letter how he helps to induce a peak experience.

So I wish you good luck, a bucket full of courage and a lot of fun in your discoveries on the wide and wondrous path to freedom.

12.3.1999

VINEETO:

Richard: It is not a case of ‘facing fear’ ... one can use it to swing through to this actual world ... leaving one’s ‘self’ behind, where it belongs, in the ‘real-world’. Richard, The Actual Freedom Trust Mailing List, No 7, 24.1.1999

RESPONDENT: How do I do this?? How do I swing through the fear?

VINEETO: How are you doing? In the last few days I have been thinking about the workings of fear and the ways I have dealt with it and here is what I have come up with so far –

Everyone is inflicted with the Human Condition – this is how we come into the world and this is how we are trained to live in the world.

Here is a report on how I have understood and tackled fear:

1. I collected as much information about the actual world as I could get to strengthen my intent. This included reading the journals, talking to Peter and Richard, making use of my intelligence, gathering facts instead of believing people and having a peak-experience with first-hand experience of the actual world. Gathering facts gave me confidence and surety about the journey.
2. I was deepening my understanding that it was ‘I’ that stood in the road of experiencing the freshness, purity, aliveness and perfection of the actual world and that ‘I’ have to disappear in order for the actual world to be permanently apparent. This included the understanding that ‘I’ am made of nothing but a bundle of instincts, beliefs, imaginations, feelings and social conditioning – the Human Condition. From that understanding it was obvious that fear was ‘par for the course’ – as I wrote to Irene: ‘Fear in the face of impending death is what potatoes are for a potato-soup, its very ingredients. There is no soup without potatoes, there is no death without fear.’
3. The important thing about fear is not to object to it. Now, that is easier said than done – nobody wants to feel fear. Yet the very act of objecting to fear makes it bigger and therefore makes it impossible to look at the underlying issue. Seeing fear as part of the Human Condition, the disease that everyone is inflicted with, helped to reduce my objection.
4. My allies were my understanding and my intent. So whenever fear arose I focused on my intent to determine the direction of my goal – freedom and peace-on-earth – and then I would go ahead with the investigation into the underlying causes of that particular fear.
5. It was always good to first sort out the facts from the feelings, to look at the situation and make sure that there was no actual physical danger.
6. That made it clear that the remainder of the fear was psychological, i.e. fear of losing my friends, my work, my respectability, losing the ground I was standing on, not wanting to change, not wanting to ‘die’.
7. A quote from Richard really helped me through many fearful and terrifying situations:
   ‘... a fact is actual. One cannot argue about a fact as one can about a belief or a truth ... one can only deny a fact and pretend that it is not there. Then
   the question to ask is: ‘Why depression? Because when I see the fact of something ... the fact sets me free of choice. ... When I see clearly ... then I
   can proceed ... for then there is action. Seeing the fact – which is seeing without choice – then there is action ... and this action is not of ‘my’ doing.’
8. The final fact was: if I wanted to be free, then ‘I’ have to disappear, self-immolate. What is the point of complaining about this fact? What is the point of postponing the journey because of fear? Fear is the ‘normal’, instinctual reaction of my ‘self’, it is ‘par for the course’. I don’t have to let fear stop me from reaching my goal.
9. Of course, it takes a good deal of bloody-mindedness and stubborn persistence, after all, it is quite a pioneering job we are doing here.
10. Now, to come to the point of your question: When I stop resisting fear, when I stop fighting fear, when I don’t give fear the weight and importance I used to, then fear turns into thrill – and thrill is the very vehicle that transports me further into freedom. Thrill is the race-car driving me towards freedom. This wonderful exciting butterfly-feeling in the stomach, knowing that I am on the right path to my destiny, getting closer to freedom every minute – I become immensely alive, I see the world in vibrant colours, I hear it in multi-layered sounds, I forget about my previous objection to being here, fully alive – and whoosh, I am here, in the actual world-as-it-is, safe, perfect, magnificent, abundant, magical and pure. I experience my senses sensing, I am aware of being alive, apperception is happening without an attached ‘self’ to it, and I have again swung through the fear to the actual world.
11. And from being here in the actual world I can see the illusion of the self, the passionate imagination it all is, the unnecessary burden ‘I’ produce by having this fear. Anchoring that understanding in my memory I could use the information later when the ‘self’ and the fear would take over again.

Each belief you investigate produces fear, each ‘truth’ dismantled creates insecurity, each step away from ‘humanity’ is a daring enterprise. So it is good to make up one’s mind right at the beginning how to deal with fear and discover the knack of turning it into thrill. Thrill then becomes the doorway into the actual world.

The alternative is living a second-rate life of fear and aggression, love and hate, dependency and rebellion, resentment and struggle. The alternative is having to look in the mirror each morning knowing that one is not living one’s potential, that one isn’t the best one can be – free from the Human Condition, happy and harmless. It is now possible – there is a fool-proof wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom, here on earth, in this life-time. And the outcome is worth your every effort.

I am currently putting a page together on ‘fear’, creating links to all the combined writings of Richard, Peter and me on fear. If you have a look at our website in about a week’s time, you will find more information.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

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