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Vineeto’s Correspondence on the Actual Freedom List Correspondent No 79
RESPONDENT: When in a relationship with a non actualist, what are you supposed to do when they are angry at you? Restore the perceived imbalance, say sorry, accept punishment, say it won’t happen again, and that you got nothing from it, or whatever the ‘best’ strategy is? Or Say you just did what needed to be done? Or If you did something ‘wrong’, say why you did it, end of story? VINEETO: When I interact with a non-actualist, which is pretty much everyone, and they get angry at me, the first thing I do is stop adding fuel to the fire. Very often this is as simple as making it clear to the other person that I have no intention of upsetting them. I find this works on most occasions but sometimes the only solution is to bow out of the situation as gracefully as possible. Of course actualism is not about adopting a new set of social mores so how you handle each of the interactions you have with other people will be dependant upon your own success in eliminating the impediments you have to being as happy and harmless as possible. The more successful you are in this endeavour the more you will find that you are spontaneously happy and effortlessly harmless, in which case you will inevitably find that more and more of your interactions with other people will be harmonious. Once the adversarial situation is ended and I am on my own I then explore whether there was anything in my behaviour that was in any way harmful or sorrowful, in other words, did I have expectations of the other person or did I feel disappointed by their behaviour, was I demanding or angry, smug or sad, arrogant or blaming, hypocritical or critical, and so on. If the other person’s behaviour evoked an emotional response in me then I explore the reasons why so as to be able to prevent having such a reaction the next time round. The fact that one might live with someone in an intimate relationship does not change this basic intent to be harmless, in fact it requires even more attentiveness so as to be able to recognize the other as a person in their own right with their own aspirations and ideals, feelings and thoughts, behaviour and idiosyncrasies in order that one doesn’t fall into the habitual trap of wanting to change them. My intent in every interaction is that I am, as much I can possibly be, without malice or sorrow and without expectation or hidden agendas whilst still being an identity. Whenever I find a malicious or sorrowful feeling in me, then I’ve got something to look at. Whether or not other people have malicious or sorrowful feelings is simply their business. It’s all quite simple, really.
RESPONDENT: Is this line of questioning sufficient? 1) What is this feeling? Love 2) What is this feeling trying to get me to do? Be with her 3) Why is this the goal? Being with her feels good 4) Whose idea is it? Is it mine, or someone else’s? Mine 5) Does love work to....? No, it fades. 6) Is it possible to achieve the goal? Over the long term, usually no 7) Is this feeling happy and harmless? No, there is a wanting, and this can lead to harmfulness VINEETO: Your line of questioning represents the beginning of questioning the myriad of feelings, which stand in the way of being happy and harmless. Personally I found that whilst such questioning is sufficient for a slight irritation, a minor resentment or a mild sorrow about something but one needs to really delve into one’s psyche in order to discover the root cause of human malice and sorrow. You will find a plethora of experiential information on the Actual Freedom website with regard to the method of how to become free from the human condition as this topic in particular has been discussed in many conversations. The
VINEETO: Your line of questioning represents the beginning of questioning the myriad of feelings, which stand in the way of being happy and harmless. Personally I found that whilst such questioning is sufficient for a slight irritation, a minor resentment or a mild sorrow about something but one needs to really delve into one’s psyche in order to discover the root cause of human malice and sorrow. You will find a plethora of experiential information on the Actual Freedom website with regard to the method of how to become free from the human condition as this topic in particular has been discussed in many conversations. The RESPONDENT: Just for confirmation... Does this mean I have to ask a LOT more questions about whatever is in the way of being happy and harmless? VINEETO: One does whatever it takes to get back to being happy and harmless again as soon as possible, taking note of course of what event or circumstance caused you to feel unhappy, sad, irritated or annoyed. In short it is not a matter of asking more questions, it is a matter of finding the answer to the current question as to why you are not being happy and harmless, or the reoccurring same question as to why you continue to feel unhappy, sad, irritated or annoyed when similar events or similar circumstances occur in your life. RESPONDENT: If yes, I wish there were a step-by-step line of questioning because this kind of investigating can be anything but simple. VINEETO: It may not always be easy and sometimes these investigations into the stygian depth of one’s psyche can be downright scary but the principle is astoundingly simple – find out what prevents you from being harmless and happy and do whatever changes are needed to return to being happy and harmless. It is your own sincerity, integrity and the pure intent to have the already always existing peace-on-earth become apparent that guide you from the first question to the first answer and then to each subsequent question and its answer. As the answers are slightly different for everyone you will have to find out what works in the doing of it. As for a ‘step-by-step line of questioning’ – there have been quite a few
descriptions from actualists about their experiences with the actualism method under the related correspondences to the library
topic
RESPONDENT: 1.You actively inquire as to how you are experiencing this moment, looking for an honest answer. 2.If you discover that are you are either not happy or not harmless at this moment you then actively inquire as to why this is so until you find what event triggered you to cease being happy and harmless this time around. 3.Then you do whatever is necessary in order to get back to being happy and harmless by allowing yourself to recognize the silliness of having such an incident (no matter what) take away your enjoyment of this only moment of being alive or to cause you to feel acrimonious towards a fellow human being. 4.If you find that the same trigger-events keep preventing you from being happy and harmless, you then actively inquire into the specific reason for your own current feeling of misery and/or acrimony, which is more often than not a particular moral or ethical conviction you hold to as being good or right, a firmly held borrowed wisdom or spiritual belief you hold to be a truth, an emotional reaction to something that went against ‘your’ idea as to how things should be, or some other aspect of your social conditioning. If the reaction is much more of a deep-down gut reaction, then you inquire what particular instinctual passions you were experiencing at that moment or you are experiencing in this moment? 5. When you find which particular aspect of your social conditioning has caused you to stop being happy and harmless you do whatever is necessary in order to erase, change, eliminate, eradicate this aspect of ‘you’ in order to not have it again interfere with your being happy and harmless. * Step number 5 is the hard part. If I have a fear of spiders that appears each time a spider is present, how should I perform step number 5? VINEETO: Given the advice you received from other correspondents on this list It might help to revisit Vineeto’s & Richard’s Text ©The Actual Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.
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