Vineeto ~ Selected Writings

I needed quite some courage to face and accept this simple fact – to give up all beliefs in an after-life or a ‘spirit-life’. But I could easily observe that as soon as I gave up the idea of any imaginary existence other than the tangible, physical universe, everything, which had seemed so complicated and impossible to understand became graspable, evident, obvious and imminently clear.

When the enormous consequence and implication of slipping out of this insidious belief in any God or Higher Being dawned on me, I was at the same time free of anybody’s authority. I was free of the fear that had been spoiling every relationship with every man in my life: father, brothers, male friends and boyfriends, employers, teachers and Master.

This insight presupposes, of course, that there is no place other than the physical universe, no celestial, mystical realm where gods and ghosts exist. It also implies that there is no life before or after death and that the body simply dies when it dies. I needed quite some courage to face and accept this simple fact – to give up all beliefs in an after-life or a ‘spirit-life’. But I could easily observe that as soon as I gave up the idea of any imaginary existence other than the tangible, physical universe, everything, which had seemed so complicated and impossible to understand became graspable, evident, obvious and imminently clear.

When the enormous consequence and implication of slipping out of this insidious belief in any God or Higher Being dawned on me, I was at the same time free of anybody’s authority. I was free of the fear that had been spoiling every relationship with every man in my life: father, brothers, male friends and boyfriends, employers, teachers and Master.

Now I am my own authority, deciding what is silly and sensible, using the common and practical intelligence of the human brain. I am responsible for every action in my life and I can acknowledge that now. However, this means that from now on I cannot blame anybody for making me jealous, miserable, grumpy, afraid, angry or frustrated over any petty issue. Now there is no more excuse, no more hiding place. They are my reactions and my behaviour, which I have to face and change in order to be free.

Having decided to go into the face of death, fear arose, big fear. The dormant instinct of survival – now challenged – awoke from sleep and spread fear and doubt all over my body and brain. Everything went on alert to protect what I knew as me. One of those protecting methods was to create doubts, ghosts upon ghosts of doubt. Am I doing the right thing? No one has ever done it before, without going through enlightenment, and won’t I get lost? What if I end up accidentally enlightened? I was dead sure by now that this was a calamity I definitely wanted to avoid. Maybe I am not capable for such an unnatural task? Maybe I am not cleaned up enough and pushing too early? How will I know what is the right direction? And on and on they went in hours of chasing my tail, round in circles without any sensible outcome.

I spent a lot of time in the day to contemplate dying, trying to figure out of what it will consist of, how I will experience it, how it was for Richard. I would call that whole process ‘gathering intent’, adjusting direction, becoming clear that now I was going for the final price. Along with sorting out relationships came hours of deep sorrow, a seemingly endless personal farewell to everything and everyone who I had cherished, held dear, appreciated and felt close to. Well aware that the days of the leisurely ease of virtual freedom lay way behind, with the bridges burnt and no return, now an all-engulfing sadness pervaded me, a bitter-sweet drama that was played out worthy of the supposedly last days of my self. Denial and rejection went hand in hand with ‘pushing the vehicle up the hill’ ie. contemplating on the extinction of the self. What I found was a repetitive circle of fear – frustration – doubt – fear and the only way out is intent, intent to not stop at second best, whatever happens.

One day, imagining death again, I encountered a rush of glory going all through my belly, filling the chest area and filling my eyes with tears of joy and anticipation. I could see the ‘self’ enjoying the dignity of a willing death, agreeing to the undeniable fact that only the ‘self’ was in the road of experiencing the perfection of the universe. As close as the ‘self’ is able to I stood at the brink of actual freedom. By sheer obvious comparison I had to admit that I would never be able to accomplish or compete with the purity and crystal clear magic of this perfect universe. This glimpse alone was a thousand fold greater and more magical than any ‘self’ would ever be able to produce, no matter how much I would clean myself up and make myself perfect. This very realization was to be the defeat of the ‘self’. But at the same time there was the utter joy and celebration of having seen and experienced what I would be dying for and that it was worth all of me.

One day, at dusk, I felt the fear approaching again, tensing my back muscles and increasing in intensity like the swelling sound of cicadas in the bush. This time it was warmly welcomed like a longed-for ally, announcing the approaching of my impending destiny. I have no objections whatsoever, no doubts, not even excitement of something going wrong. A delicious complete undivided yes to whatever wants to happen. This is doing what is happening, indistinguishable, without choice, clear and obvious. A wave of gratefulness sweeps over me towards everyone who knowingly and unknowingly has contributed to who I am and what I have become – parents and family, teachers and friends, masters and co-seekers, enemies and lovers. They all had part in the perfecting process of me now standing at the brink of completion.

There are physical sensations of fire and tingling in stomach and back, which slowly fill up the whole chest-area with heart-warming feeling. A wave of greatness overcomes me, compassion for all humankind in general and the few people I know in particular. Fear is constantly transformed into fire that fills the heart, melting the strong tension in chest, back and neck.

A feeling of perfection washes over me. I recognize that the ‘I’ is as perfect as can be and thus has fulfilled its every ambition and longing, every dream and aspiration, every hope and goal, every task and responsibility. It can go off stage now. Now in the face of death the ‘I’ is as perfect as can ever be. Immense joy and glory rush through me as it mutates into a shadowy vague substance, lingering about to record the next events to happen. A curious sensation in the top of the spine of someone snipping through wires, as if severing some information connections.

As I lie and wonder what has happened besides the fairy-tale of glorious emotions I notice that my intent is now replaced by confidence and the faculty of doubt has seized to produce any kind of wobble. Intense fear is still present but accompanied by an all-encompassing confidence that everything is happening perfectly. Nothing can go wrong. But surprise there is for sure!

The next time that I am lying on the couch, pursuing my death I notice that I am still busy with farewell. We had spent an afternoon with Richard and his companion and reported events. Now I am acknowledging the relationship I had had with him, the joy, the ease, my appreciation for his patient support, his priceless discovery of freedom, the actual world behind the spiritual delusion. My freedom will be a present to him as much as to everyone else. I notice that by saying ‘goodbye’ to him I am also leaving the last signpost. No outer orientation, just my own intent can guide me now.

As more relationships to people have their last pass-by I realise to what extent the self is made of my relationship with people. Becoming aware and letting my emotional bond in those relationships dissolve there seems to be less and less substance to this strange cloud floating around somewhere in my chest.

I see that every of my ‘death-experiences’ up to now has been induced by willing death. It worked to go into the world to enlightenment, to demolish the personal self. But it was a failing device to rid myself of the psychic entity; the psychic survival-instincts are still fully operating inside, inventing one scheme after the other to keep up the illusion that I was indeed getting closer to the desired goal. Willing death was not enough because the ‘who was willing it’ stayed untouched.

The impact and the very paradox of this revelation was devastating. I cannot do anything but something still needs to be done. Squirming about in despair I could but face the facts. And the fact was death. Nothing less than the inconceivable it stood there. The only thing to do was to stop denying the fact.

Something I read in Richard’s correspondence helped me a step further –

Where you say ‘now if this is true’ (true as in actually happening) I must ask: Is it? Because otherwise your whole case is predicated upon a conditional premise ... and as such amounts to an intellectual exercise. For if it is true, then it is a fact. Be it initially depressing or not, a fact is actual. One cannot argue about a fact as one can about a belief or a truth ... one can only deny a fact and pretend that it is not there. So ... what is it?

Then the question to ask is: ‘Why depression? Because when I see the fact of something ... the fact sets me free of choice. Is it not choice that causes the affective reaction ... in this case: depression? Now, if I am feeling depressed, can I see clearly? Would not this affective reaction be colouring my seeing? Yes? No? If yes, then there is something I can do – now – about my depression. Then – and only then – I will be able to see the ‘problem’ of the six billion plus 180,000 clearly. When I see clearly ... then I can proceed ... for then there is action. Seeing the fact – which is seeing without choice – then there is action ... and this action is not of ‘my’ doing. Richard, List B, No 23, 12.10.1998

After an afternoon talking to Richard I understood several points about death:

• I had had spent two days with the hopeless effort to grasp ‘death’, to understand what death is. It had been accompanied with occasional great fear, tensions and racing thought, yet I had been unable to make sense out of the fact that with death everything stops. Finally I understood that there is nothing to understand. Death is the end, it is not to understand, nothing to comprehend – it is unknowable. With it I could also drop the doubt that I may be too stupid to become free, because I had not been able to solve an unsolvable puzzle.
• The other thing I understood was the point of the elimination of ego and soul. In order to become actually free, ego and soul die together. It seems quite impossible to lose one’s ego only without being thrown into enlightenment when – with no ego to keep the balance – the soul has unrestricted reign. So, coming closer to the point of extinction, the trick is not to get sucked into the glamour and glory of Love and Bliss, but to stay put until it is all over.
• Asking Richard ‘how to die’, ‘how to do the final step’, he replied, ‘you just do it’. It sounded very puzzling at first until I realised that the ‘how to’ was part of my standing on the brakes. There is no ‘how to’, there is only the 100% willingness to agree and actively initiate one’s complete elimination.
• Further I understood that the sentence ‘You just do it’, ‘you just push the button that brings about ‘your’ demise’ also maintains that all the doing is ‘my’ doing – there is no waiting for ‘it’ to mysteriously happening at some mysteriously ‘right’ time. The only one who can do it and who chooses the time to do it is ‘me’. So I can gather my 100% intent, without wasting some in waiting for something else and go ahead – just do it.

I read a bit more about it at home –

Is not ‘understanding’ something the same thing as ‘analysing’ something? To understand something is to intellectually grasp a concept successfully. This may be the activity of ‘I’ thinking as clearly as ‘I’ can possibly think, yet it is not the same clarity as the clear seeing obtained in an insight ... and an insight is seeing the fact.

When one sees the fact there is action ... and this action is the actualizing of the insight so that one’s personality is changed, irrevocably. This change is the beginning of the ending of the ‘self’ one was born with. ‘I’ can not stand exposure to the bright light of awareness for too long without crumpling like a leaky balloon. ‘I’ survive only by being able to lurk around in the shadows of inattention and obfuscation.

‘I’ was born with the instinct to survive, and ‘I’ will do anything to stay in existence, for it is in ‘my’ nature to do so. Intellectually grasping a concept and calling it an insight is part ‘my’ game plan. The seeing of this fact is a direct experience of the actuality of the Human Condition. ... this is actual wisdom. And out of that wisdom there is the essential intensity for the actualisation.

This actualization is the ending of ‘me’ in ‘my’ entirety. Richard, List B, No 12, 16.2.1998

Later, at home, I put the understanding into action. Great fear grabbed me but I was determined not to fool myself this time with some dramatic performance. Applying apperception instead of being sucked into the drama I watched the weirdest occurrences like heart-palpitations, paralysed forearms, frozen torso and great tension in the back of the neck. There was no emotional interpretation of what was happening, just the delicious thrill of the actual process of disintegrating and disappearing.

The door that I found had three words written on it: ‘Death’, ‘Insanity’, ‘Oblivion’.

While ‘death’ stood for death of the psychological entity, the ego-death it seemed almost like a duty to fulfill. ‘Insanity’ had the air of a lot of giggle, fun and bizarre stories. It stood for the death of the soul including all of societies morals and values, emotions and beliefs. Oblivion appeared the most attractive of them all. Oblivion is the demise from humanity, the instinctual bond to all human beings, to original cause for the experience of separation.

Considering each of them with the respective objections and attractions they each gave way to the layer underneath it – the psychological entity revealed the nature of the ‘soul’, which on complete discovery and understanding revealed the raw nature of the instincts, strongest of them all the instinct to survive, the bare fear.

All ‘I’ am is my feelings, all ‘I’ am is my beliefs and all ‘I’ am is my instincts. ‘I’ consist of nothing else. And facing and acknowledging that obvious fact, ‘I’ knew that ‘I’ would never succeed to reach ‘my’ goal, ‘I’ would never make the 100% mark, ‘I’ would never attain the prized freedom. By the very nature of actual freedom that is an impossibility. ‘I’ would always be stuck at the 99% mark. ‘I’ cannot improve any further. ‘I’ can never claim the success. A feeling of failure struck me as ‘I’ realised ‘my’ limitations. ‘That is the end of the trying and achieving, the end of ‘my’ job and the end of ‘my’ mission.’ Acknowledging the obvious fact of not being able to succeed as ‘me’, I gave up – and ceased being in the road. Never mind the physical symptoms of the fear, they are just part of the drama. But there was a sense of redundancy and of relief that were both delicious and ambrosial. Here ‘I’ am, with nothing left to achieve, without a mission and a purpose.

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