Vineeto ~ Selected Writings

The pressure from both the families eventually became too strong and, although I was hesitant at the time, we decided to get married. We lived together with five other students and at the same time I was also having a relationship with another man in the group. I shared different interests and experiences with him than with my husband. I consoled myself that marriage was only a facade and in reality I could still do what I wanted. However, I found myself trapped by society’s morals and the expectations of family and friends to be faithful to one man for life; every other sexual relationship was considered a sin. So I felt I had to get out.

Divorce was a significant step away from past restrictions into the freedom of living as an individual, finding out for myself how I wanted to live. It was also a big emotional upheaval at the time because I was considered the bad girl – after all, I was the one who had broken up the marriage.

And if lesbianism was supposed to be the solution, I saw that it still had jealousy, competition, dependency and all the other problems of heterosexual relationships. However, by becoming less afraid of tackling life’s issues on my own, the fear of men also diminished, although it didn’t disappear entirely. And despite female liberation I hadn’t resolved the issue of authority. Beneath it all I was still relying on male authority for comparison, orientation and approval, while rebelling against it at the same time.

When Peter rang and invited me for dinner for our first date, I thought his proposition was downright stunning. The lot about an actual freedom I brushed aside as too new and scary – I couldn’t take it in at the time. But I was fascinated by his offer to live in peace and harmony with a woman in an actual permanent intimacy. And he was also prepared to commit himself to it 100% – boots and all! Usually the men I have met had to be seduced and manipulated into the little bit of commitment that I wanted, and here was someone who offered all of it, all by himself. I couldn’t believe my luck! As he looked a sensible and sensuous man who could be fun to be with I decided to ‘sign’ the contract and give it a go!

This contract had only one condition. It consisted of each of us being prepared to look at every issue that would be in the way between us, so that we would be able to establish a direct intimacy with its resultant peace and harmony between us. It had been almost a life-long yearning, especially intense for the last two years before I met Peter, to find the ‘right’ man for the ‘perfect’ relationship. I had been studying other relationships, what made them click or fail, and I had already come to the conclusion that it would only work if both partners were willing to look at themselves. Also, after long years of experience living in a partnership with its inevitable power battles, manipulations, frustrations and heartache, I decided that, no matter what, I did not want these battles anymore. Either I could like the man and live with him as he was – or not. But I would not continue my past pattern of blaming the other and trying to change him. This was my dowry for the new adventure.

So we both agreed to look deeply into ourselves, come what may, to remove all that formed a gulf between us – all that prevented intimacy. Together with Peter I have explored what it is to be a human being and what exactly makes me tick as a woman – this program of beliefs and instincts with its resulting feelings and emotions. Along the path to freedom I have evaluated and discarded all of the so-called female attributes and values, which women so proudly claim as their main territory – emotions, feelings, love and intuition. I had been fighting a continuous battle within me and against others as to which is right and which is wrong – the male version of demanding, desiring, rationalizing and displaying emotions or the female version. I have found that both versions are silly, useless and redundant.

I remember my last disagreement with Peter nine months ago. I had just come back from overseas and, although I still had rented a house to live in, I decided to live with him. I had shifted my belongings into his flat, but one evening I got the wind up! Scared of the new adventure ahead of me I felt the ‘poor victim’ of being trapped in a place where I suddenly didn’t want to be. What I wanted was the solace of Peter’s love, which should bridge the expected difficult times, and his reassurance that everything would be all right. I used all my old manipulation skills to convince Peter to see the situation my way and offer me comfort and sympathy.

But he simply responded, ‘Look, I know you are an independent woman and perfectly capable of looking after yourself. If you don’t want to be here this evening, you could go. The car is downstairs, you still pay rent for the other place – you are free to go there any time!’ This simple stating of the facts switched on my intelligence again. Well, this was obviously the case. It meant I had a choice in the situation; I was responsible for myself, instead of being a victim of the circumstances. I could change the situation without his help. Out of this clarity I realised that I chose to be with him because I wanted to be! It brought me straight back into the actual situation, and all need for comfort, compromise, manipulating and changing the other simply disappeared into thin air.

And what a relief it was, that I had no power over Peter, no way to make him do what I wanted! I could not bend him in any direction because he wasn’t afraid to be on his own. Thus, my tools in the power battle had failed and could finally be thrown out of the window. Also, I discovered that I wasn’t afraid to be on my own either. So in our relationship we do not need to win the battle of ‘dependency’, we can focus on each of us being here – where we can meet freely and enjoy each other’s company whenever we want to.

When Peter talks about an issue, an experience or how he perceives a situation I know exactly what he is talking about, and so does he when I tell my story. We are not in different movies or from different planets; we live in the actual, factual world, able to understand each other’s train of thought and make ‘common sense’ of our experiences. There is no female, emotional world for me to wallow in and no male, rational world for Peter to retreat to. By not being in different camps there is now no need for love, whose only function in the past was to provide a ‘bridge over troubled water’ – the abyss of gender. The actual permanent intimacy we enjoy now is vastly superior to any temporary good feelings of love, which we both had experienced before.

After a minute or two that appeared to contain an eternity of complex understanding, Peter said to me, ‘Hello, how are you? Good that you are here!’ ‘Here’ obviously meant that there existed a place outside my belief-systems! I turned round, out of my shock and bewilderment, into the actual world, and saw that I was simply sitting on the couch with Peter. Here was someone sitting next to me, another human being, not particularly a man, lover or boyfriend. Just a human being, smiling and pleased to meet me, eager to explore with me the next event in life. He is interested. And I am interested. Who is this person? What will happen next? What will he say next? What will we do next? It is exciting, alive, right here and a great pleasure!

We had had several months of joyous exploration into the Human Condition since Peter’s Journal had been published. We lived day-in, day-out in perfect peace and harmony and enjoyed the leisure time in our little flat, doing very little, walking into town, having sex, playing on the computer, writing, watching TV, laying around on the couches and talking a lot. More and more we had cleaned ourselves up from instincts, emotions and beliefs, finding here and there bits in the ‘cupboard’ of our psyche to be swept out.

Now that pace had changed. Peter ‘charged for the bunker’! What about me? Surely I would not want to hang around any longer when he is disappearing! So I got myself into forward gear, checked on the direction and started the motor to drive away from the familiar coziness of the virtual freedom, that I had enjoyed for so long, into the big Unknown.

It has been a wonderful thrill, joy and support to go through this whole journey with Peter together. Since no personal relationship would spoil the sincere intent of both our investigations we could scientifically explore the ways our brains are wired and what is the easiest and quickest way out of this maze of emotion around death. I was often astonished and amazed that I never experienced a retreat or rejection from his side, again 180 degrees in the opposite direction to the spiritual approach. With each of us being focused on our own discoveries and willingness to die we were thus able to compare notes, detect deceit or confusion, remember intent, and, after all, share the delights of the day. We would have a cup of coffee in the morning, go down town for lunch, do our shopping, lay around and talk, watch TV, have sex, write or play card and meet people just like before. Nobody would guess our state of madness, our seemingly impossible mission or at times our desperate attempts to see through the thick of it all. In this way we were not only pioneering to find a direct way to actual freedom without going in and out of Enlightenment, but also proved that it is possible to ‘stay in the marketplace’ and do it together with another human being.

One of our typical conversations in this time would go like this:

Peter: ‘How is your conundrum?’

Vineeto: ‘Oh, it hasn’t appeared today yet, I expect it any time. How about you?’

Peter: ‘Mine is buzzing away in the background, giving every moment the thrilling experience of the adventure of a life-time.’

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