Vineeto ~ Selected Writings
Applying Richard’s method is forcing me to examine and eliminate the very issues and beliefs that are triggering those emotions. It reveals to me that emotions are the crucial part of the ‘self’ – the very cause of my being unhappy and malicious. It enabled me to question the beliefs that both defined and confined me as a woman. Chiselling away my psychological and psychic entity has made emotions and feelings redundant and has left me increasingly free to enjoy every person I meet, every situation that happens and everything that this abundant universe offers. In my ‘role-play’ I am neither a ‘woman’ nor a ‘man’, but simply a human being ...a female, of course!
What is wrong is the mental programming of the sexual instinct, which drives me to go out, find a man and get pregnant – and the consequent need to secure the protection of the potential father. Curiously, my decision not to have any children and to be sterilized did not change this underlying instinctual urge at all!
In order to control, channel and obscure this instinct in a socially acceptable way, society instilled in me the appropriate morals, beliefs and behaviour of male-female role-play. This merely resulted in seduction, manipulation, denial, guilt and fear of sex, and the ongoing search for the right, appropriate sexual conduct – most of it passed down centuries ago. Looking back on what my idea of a sexual identity consisted of, I found that I had been either too sexual and threatening for men, risking being considered a wild and immoral woman, or on the other hand, I was not ‘open’ and pleasing enough, causing the man to fall short in his idea of the good lover he imagined himself to be.
When Peter and I started to throw out love it had a great impact on my sexual ‘identity’. It was an intense and scary time because right behind the nice, embellishing veil of love lingered all the monsters and demons of being an animal, a whore, a slut, not human and having sex with a ‘stranger’. Enjoying sex without ‘being in love’ is still considered one of the greatest sins of Christian morality. And Eastern spirituality regards any kind of sex as the biggest obstacle to enlightenment.
Identified and seen as what they were, these instincts eventually lost their significance and their grip over me. Now I can enjoy the sensibility and pleasure of sex without being driven, free of the need and dependency that used to be the inevitable consequence. I now don’t need to reinforce my female sexual identity or practise my manipulative power over men – hence the need for flirting has disappeared. Relating to men without the restriction of sexual flirtation is indeed a freedom to meet them in a new and fresh way.
Stripping away the ideas of ‘who’ I am supposed to be, leaving behind the identity of both the virtuous girl and the sinful whore leaves the pure physical sensation of sex. This pleasure I can now easily and delightfully share with a man who also has no idea of ‘who’ he is supposed to be. I remember one evening early in our relationship when Peter suddenly stopped in the course of foreplay and said, ‘I don’t want to feel like I have to pleasure you or be giving! Something is wrong here!’
The freedom to leave behind the identity of being good or bad, loving or receiving and to follow and enjoy the rhythm of the bodies without any restriction of the ‘self’ whatsoever is an unsurpassed delight. No consideration, fear or worry pales the intensity of this very tangible exquisite sensual delight.
Vineeto’s Text ©The Actual Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.