Vineeto ~ Selected Writings

In the end I found that what initially looked like offering freedom from misery had turned into yet another bondage. This I only experienced fully three years after Rajneesh died when I left the commune to live in Australia, outside the familiarity and security of the ashram – ‘in the real world’. Although I was desperately looking for friends in this new country I nevertheless restricted my close relationships to similarly devoted Rajneeshees. I was, in fact, quite suspicious and afraid of people who were ‘non-believers’. The path to the promised ultimate freedom, to enlightenment, seemed to be becoming narrower and narrower, away from being at ease in the world, from happiness and the physical delights of life. Something didn’t match with how I had imagined my life to be – a life of freedom I had sought on leaving home, all those years ago.

Throughout all these stages in my life, although I was looking for freedom, I always found limitations in the offered solutions. However I could not, nor did I want to, settle for any compromise, for something that did not show success – for anything less than an actual and permanent freedom.

So when finally I came across Richard and found a simple, straightforward method to actually get rid of emotions, instincts, the ‘self’ as well as the illusion of the very big ‘Self’, I was really interested! Here was someone who stated that there was more freedom possible than even enlightenment offered! Having come this far, having explored so many other approaches in my life and moved on when I saw that they failed, I did not want to turn away from this opportunity.

More freedom than enlightenment? Yes! More freedom than believing somebody else’s experience and trusting His method of meditation, despite seventeen years of no reliable results? Yes! A practical simple method, and the tangible lasting success that I was increasingly experiencing living with Peter in a way that far exceeded any relationship in the past? Yes!

After all I am a rather practical woman and I like things that work! I like a car that drives, a computer that functions quickly and smoothly and a job that is fun. And I appreciate immensely a method that cleans me up, makes me happy and harmless, and rids me of the burden of my imaginary, yet very effective two selves – ‘self’ and ‘Self’, ego and soul. It took me a few months though, to gather enough courage to change gear and direction, but since then the journey has been a wonderful and delicious adventure, sprinkled only occasionally with a few quivers of fear.

My only knowledge about enlightenment had consisted either of what I had heard and read from the Master or of the borrowed bliss or ‘energy’ that I felt when sitting devotionally at His feet. He had been ‘big daddy’ for me, he knew what was right and wrong, he told me what to do with my life, where to search and what to find! But then ‘big daddy’ had died and I had not found any tangible evidence of my being closer to enlightenment despite a lot of intent and effort. Also, there existed no consistent pathway or map, which could establish my position relative to the goal. When I noticed that friends were having a harder time to cope with the ‘world’ after long meditations I didn’t know if that was to be considered a success or a failure. After leaving Poona I meditated regularly for two years and tried to really understand Rajneesh’s teachings. However, the hope of finding something worthwhile in my spiritual search started to fade, but because of my life-long habit of blaming myself, I did not dare to question the validity of the teachings themselves. ‘It is only because I am not pushing hard enough, I am not meditating enough, I am too dumb or too lazy’, I thought.

After I met Peter and began to use Richard’s new method of examining and stripping away beliefs, I was challenged by the success of our continuously improving relationship. My life was becoming easier, happier and more thrilling every time I explored a new issue. However, I found myself quite torn apart because I was also desperately trying to hold on to my old ways. I was afraid to leave the fold – this imaginary ‘community’ where right and wrong was clearly defined and confirmed by everyone around me. I was trying to live in two worlds at the same time. Loyalty to the Master became quite a gut-churning issue. How could I dare to question His love, His authority, His power, His great vision? How could I be a traitor, stepping away yet again from another group that had provided me with meaning and a sense of belonging as well as financial and emotional security?

The pure and immediate adventure of experiencing this moment of being alive was so utterly superior to everything I had come across in the name of meditation, bliss or ‘satori’ that it spoke for itself. Being in the actual world, everything is simply obvious, needs no explanation or theory, and contains no emotional memories of any past struggle or fear. There is nothing that blurs or edits the experience of the world around me, which is both wondrous and delightful. Freedom is living each moment as it happens, without any objection. It is not the end-product of years of building up a structured belief-system; it is the opposite – destruction of everything that lies between me and the experience of the actual world. Freedom is simply what is left after I rid myself of every layer of the emotional and instinctual ‘self’, which is the only obstruction to my direct experience of the universe.

This peak-experience proved to be the most significant turning point in the last turbulent year. It began to dawn on me that perhaps I also had just another belief-system – my particular search for enlightenment with this ‘special’ master and group of people. I could no longer completely deny that possibility. However, it took another two months until I gathered the courage to actually investigate my dearly held conviction. I had already one foot in the actual world while the other foot was still stubbornly trying to march in the direction of the spiritual search. Up to now I had not found a reliable compass to decide the course, but now the very idea of believing anybody else became questionable. I decided that I wanted more of this actual freedom. Now, for a change, I would start relying on facts and actual experiences instead of someone else’s vision or dream.

Once I had made that decision things became easier. I started to look at every ‘truth’ as possibly just another belief. I feared the reaction or consequences this would cause, but was determined that this should not stop my investigation. There were lots of fears – but the direction was clear now. If the answer lay 180 degrees in the opposite direction I had passed the 90 degree midway point. I had reached the point of no return, where I was willing to question everything that I had simply believed up until now. It became all ‘downhill’ from that point onwards.

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