claudiu: Hi Vineeto,

Indeed there is magic in the air :))

[…] I was intrigued to read Richard’s report that you linked me to. I was actually realizing, my experience of first going out-from-control – just how much more intense and utterly world-shattering Richard’s would have been when he became actually free – and shortly before as well which I now remember having read that link again. It now makes experiential sense to me why Richard would have those 30+ months of cognitive agitation after such a tremendous event. Going out-from-control is a much smaller step than becoming actually free of course, but it is a shift nevertheless. It also makes sense why those who have become actually free since, haven’t experienced anything like what Richard did – because someone having already gone through it, and them learning about it before-hand, there is time for at least some of the ramifications to kick in and accept the radical new-ness.

Today the realization has been that it simply doesn’t make any sense to feel bad – about anything, ever. What, really, is the point? It actually has no point at all. There is no “there” which feeling bad gets one to. It does not bear any fruit. It never delivers any of any desired goods. The most that can happen is you become illuded that you are accomplishing something, which when you snap out of it you realize you aren’t actually. It’s really a remarkable construct!! The only thing really holding it together is a belief that “it has to be this way” (well, I guess it’s something other than that as I still sit here not free yet :)). I suppose what I mean is that its only justification is ever itself only, it is only justified with reference to itself. Or better: ‘I’ am only justified with reference to ‘myself’. Or better: I am only justified with reference to myself (as I sit here not in a PCE :))

The most perverse aspect of it all is the utter resistance to seeing this, and the nursing of sorrow and malice to one’s very core and bosom, willfully fueling it and expressing it and imposing it on others – all when not only does it not have to be this way, but utter purity and perfection lies all around, that one can literally be swimming in!

As I write it I sit here appreciating the fact that I have seen and understood all this, and it is truly wonderful and marvelous. The fact that I see it is so freeing, that not only is there a way out that is factual and actual, but I have seen it so thoroughly and am nearly there now. It is truly a blessing – no being or entity decided when I was born that I would get to where I am now, yet here I am. I have always considered myself lucky – lucky to be alive, to have the intelligence I do combined with a refusal to actually accept something until I have gotten to the bottom of it – a quality which I have nurtured and nourished and has served me well not only with actualism but with making my way through life in general as well. Born into a fortuitous circumstance with fortuitous genetically-inherited traits which have combined in a wonderful way, concomitant with a taking-advantage of these blessings as life has happened such as to result in me being where I am now. What a life!!

Cheers & best regards,
Claudiu

Claudiu, E-mail to Vineeto, 10 July 2024

claudiu: Tuesday (July 9^th) while falling asleep, I experienced an oddity that I wasn’t sure what it was. It seemed like some sort of a shift, and I quickly confirmed it wasn’t actual freedom. But nothing in particular seemed different as I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, as I went throughout the day, it seemed that the magicality wasn’t consistently there any longer. I’ve become increasingly sure that this is the case, and the best I can do is pin-point it to that weird July 9^th shift-like feeling while falling asleep Tuesday.

Interestingly it is not like all is lost. The purity and magicality is actually readily available still! I’m experiencing it again as I’m writing this now. I’ve been feeling again like I’m an impostor or a fraud, but upon reflection, from June 23^rd to July 9^th my experience of being alive really was very different. And it’s like I’m not really fully back to ‘normal’ yet, which is great.

Actually what seems to happen is I want to avoid admitting something is off, but then when I finally do, together with that the magicality comes back. This is really driving home the point, especially as I write this now, that sincerity is the key!

What is also different (as in not quite ‘normal’) is that I see that nothing has to happen in the external world for me to get back to feeling good. I wrote the following to Vineeto last night:

claudiu: It’s like there is no “stickiness” to ‘me’ anymore. In the past if I felt bad it always (or often) felt like an insurmountable obstacle, like the feeling-badness is some external force that is tangible and can’t simply be addressed directly. But now I straightforwardly see that it is entirely a choice, and not only that but there is no “consequences” as in “punishment” by some external or universal divine entity, for feeling bad! It’s not a morally bad thing to feel bad, there is nothing that it is other than what it is, namely, feeling bad, and that is something that I can simply choose not to do anymore by realizing it is silly!

It is really wonderful writing this, there’s this joyous and wondrous delight in doing so! Now the full flavor of that magicality is back and it’s a simple matter to see the way forward again.

I would say now the reason I stopped is due to not having fully processed the ‘unravelling’ of me at my core. I know now more than I did before, experientially, that I will have to disappear in my entirety. The prospect is fearful. However, I have the tools to go forward now – tapping into that magicality, and, seeing that it is safe experiencing it as I do, and once fully established then going forward, further, bit by bit.

Truly it is a joy to be alive!

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 11 July 2024

claudiu: Hi Vineeto,

I wanted to share with you the wonderful resolution of my communication with a correspondent.

They did not respond well to the last message I shared with you […]:

Soon after, they wrote a longer message […]:

I experienced this onslaught in a very interesting way that has been happening almost all the time lately when faced with such a thing. I recognize that the other person is upset or being on the ‘attack’, but it does not “get” to ‘me’. I don’t allow it to impinge on the perfection and purity that I experience. And then from that point I’m able to write the response, which in this case was:

I was amazed at their responses […]:

Normally all my life when someone posts something offensive to me and I respond, it only intensifies and gets worse. But lately the opposite happens, they calm down and retract. It’s a remarkable transformation!

[…] Allowing the purity and perfection as much as possible, living life that way, clearly has a tangible and amazing benefit to anyone I interact with, besides which my own life is unimaginably better! Actualism truly is “in the marketplace”, and what a wonderful marketplace the world can be with this spreading more and more.

Best regards,
Claudiu

Claudiu, E-mail to Vineeto, “magic in the air”, 16 July 2024

claudiu: On July 17^th, at some time during the day, I noticed that the new way of being out-from-control was happening again. It has been consistent since then, just like before :)

In hindsight it happened shortly after I was able to see that actual freedom was indeed as flawless and perfect and peerless as I thought it was. This allowed me to fully endorse my journey towards attaining that myself, and within a few hours I was out-from-control again.

The sheer level of refined purity, sweetness, intimacy and delight that is possible is quite astounding. And the degree to which I am seeing ever-more core details about the very structure of ‘me’, is greater than ever before.

It can be quite alarming to actually experience a powerful affective current movement as being just that, a movement that does not originate or end anywhere, but which can clearly curl in on itself so as to form what appears to be a cohesive entity (aka a ‘self’), yet is nothing but an illusion borne out of that movement itself. But the ongoing purity serving as a backdrop, allows me to not become distraught and panicky as a result.

I cannot recommend it enough. It appears to be the perfect staging ground to becoming actually free. What Vineeto wrote recently led me to realize this (emphasis added):

claudiu: That is, I see now that the “like this” that I am living (further described as “the delicious, dynamic experience infused with ever increasing pure intent and experiences of sweetness”, which I can fully confirm from my own experience), is essentially a preview (albeit partial) of what actual freedom will be like.

As Richard wrote on February 1^st, 2012 (curly-brackets added):

claudiu: In other words, to be actually free is to *be* that pure intent, thus the purity and sweetness and deliciousness that are the way I am currently experiencing pure intent, is a preview of what existence will be when actually free.

I never considered that there was some continuity of the sort, I thought it was still there will be some big unknown leap at the end. And of course there is (I won’t know what it’s really like until I do it), but the gap seems to be smaller than I thought, based on that “live like this forever” from Vineeto’s recent report.

Earlier today another oddity occurred that I think was the same oddity that knocked me out of it last time. I was also half-dozing off and it’s like a weird blip after which it seemed like ‘something in the center’ was gone, but it was the same as before, clearly not actually free, and it seemed to affect the out-from-controlness somewhat.

I’ve come up with a tentative conclusion: that it is a “fruition” as I used to experience in my meditative days. There was some brief after-effect that seemed like a sense of euphoria or jubilation, which happened in both cases, and I remember happening after “fruitions” in the past. This serves as yet further evidence that meditative/spiritual paths are not only unhelpful for pursuing actual freedom but actively detrimental.

This time around I used a conscious willpower to not fall out of the out-from-controlness this time around, and I am happy to say I did not!

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 19 July 2024

claudiu: Hi Vineeto,

claudiu: I think there is something to what you write here that a feeling-being that is out from control has this advantage. There is still a connection in the psychic web. The other can probably sense that I ‘received’ their malicious vibes, and yet did not react but instead reacted from this purity. This may have the effect of surprising them and having them change their tack. Whereas with an actually free person, there is nobody there on a psychic level, so it can feel like the actually free person is completely disregarding them (which they are, in a sense; on the other, you can’t disregard what isn’t there ), and I can see how that would allow people to dig in their heels even further.

I am certainly enjoying it and will do so while it lasts :)).

[…]

claudiu: Yes it is!

With best regards and a tintling appreciation,
Claudiu

Claudiu, E-mail to Vineeto, 22 July 2024

claudiu: Everything is so fantabulous.

Reading Kuba’s latest entry, I was wondering at my own experiencing and how it compares. I have continued to wonder whether what I am experiencing is indeed what is referred to by “out-from-control”. I had this thought that it seems like I am able to put the brakes on still – certainly there is some “waxing and waning”, the level of delectation and deliciousness is not constant but vibrant and dynamic.

So then I thought ok, if I can put the brakes on then – let me do it! And I found – I *could not*! There are no brakes to put on . I thought this would be alarming, but it wasn’t, because I did not want to put the brakes on so it didn’t matter. However I do notice that my conscious attention can wane and then I find myself acting and feeling according to old patterns. So more properly I would say – whenever I am consciously aware of what is happening, it is not possible to purposely put the brakes on. But, if attention wanes sufficiently then old patterns emerge. But they do not have the same staying power as before. I just realized now as I’m writing this, I haven’t had to dig my way out of a hole for a while, which is how it used to be. Rather once I am aware again of what’s happening, I am aware with the benefit of that background purity and benevolence, which immediately lets me see the pattern for what it is, an illusory chimera, and then the full waxing delectation readily occurs.

Interestingly I find myself contemplating extremely basic questions now, such as: “How do I know that this is enjoyable?” Have you ever asked yourself that? It was something I just took for granted before – this is enjoyable. But how do I know? And by asking it in this way, I then quickly saw that I knew because the experience of it was enjoyable. But really seeing it in this factual way is so delicious and makes it unquestionable as to whether it is enjoyable. I don’t know if I’m getting this across very well, but it is really simple stuff and very rewarding.

Other recent questions:

• Is actuality really perfect?
• Do I really want this?

These simple contemplations are accompanied by a deep richness and sweetness, that I remember happening in the past only on a rare occasion, a gem of a moment that would shine out around as if out from a muddy pit, whereas now that heightened level of magicality is a daily occurrence, available essentially whenever I want it, and this regularity of it occurring does nothing to diminish from it (as in getting habituated a la the hedonic treadmill) but rather remains utterly delicious in the very quality of it.

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 23 July 2024

claudiu: The momentum is certainly increasing. I have so much more emotional energy on a regular basis, and nearly all of it expressed felicitously, as an outstanding joie de vivre. I fully agree with the depictions of it here (emphases added):

claudiu: and:

claudiu: One note on the “blow the fuses” comment, however – although at times it feels like it is overwhelming and may be ‘too much’, nevertheless it never is ‘too much’. However these periods of increased intensity appear to come about unbidden, and even if I wanted to stop them (which I don’t) I’m not sure how I would. So, one has to be sure this is what one wants – I don’t think it would happen if one isn’t sure, in any case.

And a note: one does not have to be 100% sure one wants to self-immolate, yet – I gather that if I were 100% sure it would already have happened. One just has to be sure one wants to take the next step, and that it is safe to do so. You don’t have to commit to the entire thing all at once. You just need to be sufficiently sure of the successes you have had so far, and that you want more in that direction – and then you can take the next step.

Previously I thought that to be free I would have to sort of gather up all my intent and wits and make a ‘push’ into that direction and hope the stars aligned just right so that actuality can take ‘me’ away, or something like this. And then when I failed I would drop back down to a much lower level. Now I see that, although it does seem to be the case that one could self-immolate at any point, the more sensible approach is to continue up-leveling in that direction, until you are so “close” that it is just inevitably bound to happen.

Everything becomes just increasingly obvious and straightforward and I wonder why people cannot see it. For example, the topic of a potential conflict with a partner came up. And it was so obvious: of course, the sensible thing to do in this case, is bring full awareness and understanding to everything about the situation, take everything into account, with full sincerity, consideration, and caring, and then actually take steps to address the conflict! I saw that in the past I would be reticent to fully delve into the problem, because of the completely nonsensical reasoning that if I fully saw that there was a problem, then it would bother me! In other words, I would rather bury my head in the sand and pretend it’s ok to avoid the emotional discomfort of dealing with the situation. And this is so utterly self-centered, it is literally me being self-centered and avoiding resolving an issue because it makes me feel uncomfortable! How utterly absurd.

What I find increasingly lovely is becoming aware of and recognizing that I don’t need to plan out my day in the way I used to before. These thoughts come of oh I should do this or that today, and I realize I don’t have to keep these thoughts in mind as in to formulate a plan. I am becoming increasingly aware of the fact that I will end up doing what is sensible. I find that I end up doing essentially the same sorts of things I would be doing before, anyway, including stuff I didn’t plan that I just follow out of my own curiosity and predilections – whereas before I would feel guilty on top of it that I wasn’t doing what I “should”, now I don’t feel guilty at all, and I would say I actually end up doing more of the stuff I thought I “should” do anyways. It is win-win-win.

It is also helpful to see the contrast between this and “normal”. I was just commenting to someone that when I water the garden, I like to revel in the sensuosity of it, the water dripping down the plants, the greenery, the delight of being outside and doing what it is I am doing. This was so obvious to me and delightful and obvious that anyone could do it, which is why I shared it, to encourage them to experience it that way too. And their response was that when they water the garden, they are just bored and annoyed about the hose being difficult to get out. It was such a stark contrast, and they did not pick up at all on what I was suggesting, as something that they, themselves could do.

So it is good to see how far beyond ‘normal’ this is, as it is actually remarkably easy and natural to get accustomed to what I am experiencing now as being “normal”. And it is normal in the sense of it has become *usual* for me, but it is definitely not “normal” in terms of how the average person experiences being alive.

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 27 July 2024

claudiu: That is great to hear .

For me realizing this I hit a bit of a speed bump. It was two nights ago. As I wrote in #187, the momentum was increasing and it was all scintillating and wonderful. It seemed like I had been riding this wondrous wave and sufficiently paving the way, so I set my sights on what will come next – the actual ending of ‘me’.

Faced with this as the obvious next step, I hit upon a distinct patch of hesitation and “well hold on a sec”. This is something that I will actually have to do, which will mean the actual end of me – no longer a theoretical step at some point in the future, but something that actually will happen, or rather has to happen for me to attain my destiny.

So the wondrous scintillation has dimmed since then, although out-from-control is still what I am. And I very distinctly do *not* want to fall out of this different-way-of-being. In other words, I firmly am *not* going back to normal. So it is a matter of staying where I am, in a sense, and actually checking out this latest objection.

Very interestingly, when this would happen in the past I would experience it as being ‘stuck’. But I do not experience it as stuckness at all right now. It is just the next thing that is happening, and my experiencing still has that dynamic nature to it.

Yesterday I spent a good amount of time on X (formerly Twitter) which is a surefire way to be exposed to horrible and terrible things happening in the world. I am particularly bothered by the egregious and willfully dishonest clipping of and taking quotes out of context to paint people as saying something very obviously different than what they are saying if one watches it in context. I put a lot of time and effort into trying to correct people, add the context, post a Community Note about it. The results were dismal – people that already saw it, saw it, and every person that engaged with me pushing back and maintaining the dishonesty, none of them change their opinions about it at all, even when presented with the clear, unmistakable facts.

And so I came to see that what I was doing was trying to exert control over the world, to change other people to see what the facts are. And I saw it really just simply does not work at all. It reaffirmed that I actually don’t have control over this – meaning that my attempts to exert control in this manner, were a waste of energy.

It made it starkly clear that this is not an alternative to actual freedom. Going out and spending energy essentially being an activist – it just doesn’t work. It is a tiny drop in the bucket, one feeling-beings contribution to a site with hundreds of millions of feeling-beings all fervently participating on it. Even if I had millions of followers – there are posters who do have millions of followers, and their replies are filled by people that vehemently disagree with them. One simply cannot control other people, it doesn’t work.

It seems to mostly be out of my system now as I redirect my energy back to going further towards actuality. This is clearly the best way to actually make an impact on the world – by *being* that, and writing from that place, and then what I write may attract people which may go viral (perhaps), but that part is not up to me, all I can do is put it out into the world – and very obviously, the most impactful way to spend that energy is firstly to become free myself, and secondly to put that energy into the current active participants here, to help in whatever way that might help (which will be greatly aided by the most-impactful thing).

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 29 July 2024

claudiu: The “speed bump” has turned out to be more of a derailment, which I am starting to get back on track now. I am glad to see others on the forum have continued with their successes, especially @Kub933 – so it doesn’t entirely rely on me .

The interesting thing about this derailment, during which I have certainly gotten to the low levels of feeling bad and terrible and upset, is that there is no longer an element present of feeling stuck or resentful about it or that it ‘has to be this way’ or ‘woe is me’. In other words, consistently throughout is the constant experiential understanding that I am feeling the way I am feeling because of my choices, and nothing imposed externally whatsoever. This is very different than before.

And basically at any point throughout the familiar experience of there being no brakes available could start happening. So although it took a long time to go out-from-control the first time, now it appears to be readily available at any moment. How wonderful!

The salient question then is why the train has been derailed for so long? Actually I’m realizing a “train on the tracks” analogy is not so apt as that implies a one way to do it, narrow approach, whereas it is more a wide & wondrous path… but the analogy can suffice for now.

I can only draw it back to that seeing how continuing down this path will genuinely be the end of me. And when I thought of just getting back to feeling good and staying there as a first step (and not committing to the end per se), it didn’t work because I saw how that was just the first step in a series of steps that I would then follow that would then actually be the end of me. So I did not even want to go there – I can’t fool myself!

What has happened to get me back on track (to the trackless wide&wondrous path), is seeing that nothing that occurred over the past 10 days has been anything of any value whatsoever. It’s like, ok, I “get to” avoid self-immolating, I “get to” continue (illusorily) ‘existing’ … and what is my reward? Feeling bad! Haha. It’s like playing a stupid game and getting a stupid prize.

Combining that with the fact that it feels bad to feel bad, it’s just not a pleasant experience to feel bad, and there really is no reason to continue avoiding the wide & wondrous path, that is so readily accessible now. In other words, the only way to continue is forward, facing whatever resistance and objection full on, regardless of how uncomfortable it may be. In other words, avoidance is no longer an option.

Then a key third piece to the puzzle was seeing that the reluctance to change comes directly from the loyalty to humanity and the fear of abandoning humanity. Besides being rotten to the core, there are rotten parts to me – as to all feeling-beings – aggressive and malicious parts. They will not actually disappear until self-immolation. Until then, they will remain latent – able to be activated and channeled and expressed on a whim.

Now I am faced with the choice, to minimize those parts of me. And when faced with that choice, a voice comes on, a super cynical thought/feeling along the lines of “oh you can’t really change. you would just be fooling yourself, lying to yourself. you aren’t so foolish as to think you can really change, are you?” And somehow that thought was enough to browbeat me (me browbeating myself!) into allowing myself to continue expressing that malice rather than minimizing it.

But now I see the reason for that – because by doing so I stay within humanity, I stay within the tribe. But if I actually change… I prove the entire mass of ‘humanity’ wrong! I break away from the tribe – which then is felt as immediately exposing me to danger, if that tribe were to then turn on me.

The answer is a practical one of course: it is trivially easy to blend in and not expose oneself to this actual danger. The amusing thing is that everybody is so self-centered that they just assume everybody else basically thinks and feels like them. When presented with someone whose vibes either don’t exist, or exist but are not sorrowful or malicious, it intuitively registers as a “neutral” or “friend” rather than a threat – so they assume you are like them and there’s no problems.

Finally the fourth piece was seeing how me being in this worse mood negatively impacts my partner and the other people around me. Even if I am not doing anything to express the mood. I will say something neutral in response without intending any malice towards that person, and people will understand from the vibes that I am upset, and then understand my neutral response in the framework of “upset person” and then assume what I said has to do with why I am upset and then try to react accordingly. It is terrible not just for me but for everyone.

So here I am, now propitiously directed back towards the purity of the actual universe, which lies all around, abundant and evident.

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 8 August 2024

claudiu: How silly it is to be a feeling-being!

I have a drive. I feel like I do not want to abandon that drive, because if I do it would mean I have no purpose. The fact is seen: ‘I’ actually do not have a purpose, just a biologically-inherited instinctual passion to perpetuate this body’s genes and ultimately the species.

The above makes it seem like I want to have a purpose, because there is a reluctance to let go of the drive. However this neatly segues into realizing that there are sensible things I can be doing at work. There are tangible benefits where I am actually needed that would help the company accomplish its goals and lead to financial rewards for me. Yet then I react with this with not wanting to bear the burden of that responsibility of “having” to do those things! But was I not just one minute ago complaining about how I want to have a purpose? Yet when a purpose presents itself, I don’t want it because I don’t want the responsibility!

It is just all silly. Bereft of care and consideration. It’s all sort of a sham, essentially. The path forward is obvious – accept that I am not needed, and appeal to that part of me that actually doesn’t want the responsibility. That part of me will benefit from not “having” to do anything! Then I can allow sensible things to get done, which is the natural state of affairs when I do not get in the way .

Then it is win-win: there is no burden of responsibility, and the sensible things get done while I am free to enjoy what is happening. The things ‘I’ want to do will not necessarily get done, but those instinctually-driven desires do not necessarily make sense. They might – but if they do then it no longer needs to be instinctually-driven but will rather move up into sensible sensate consciousness where they will be evaluated to get done just like any other sensible thing. How delightful and easy :)

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 9 August 2024

claudiu: I think @Kub933 is on the right track with this one.

Being ‘me’ is really a burden – and what ‘I’ am is a combination of all those various identities and personas (it is a myth that ‘I’ am ‘one’ persona, ‘I’ actually chimerically shift between different personas without even realizing it, and this seems to be common to everyone though perhaps some to a larger degree than others. I have a distinct memory of my usually very stoic, commanding, and consistently-persona’d business partner, watching him interact with his wife on and be flushed with a very obvious love and affection that suffused his whole demeanor.).

The startling freedom that makes joy readily available is from no longer having to maintain or ‘be’ any of those identities. When it all disappears as in a PCE, the difference is so palpable and tangible.

When a feeling-being, I can “see” that on the “other side”, once I am no longer having to maintain those identities, will be that palpable freedom and joy.

So why not “just do it”? What obviously stops ‘me’ is fear – fear of what will happen when ‘I’ am not around to control things.

So it seems the prudent approach is to accept the goal (self-immolation) and commit to doing the very best next sensible step I possibly can, which depending on where I am will either be: get back to neutral, get to feeling good, enjoy & appreciate feeling good, get to feeling great/excellent, increasingly allow the purity to operate, allow myself to let the controls be let go of, … and that’s as far as I have gotten so far

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 11 August 2024

claudiu: Hi Vineeto,

Hope all is well! How have things been developing for you?

I have not been able to get back to out-from-control, which will explain the lack of posts on the Discuss forum and lack of progress on putting together my earlier reports of when I was. This e-mail is part of an attempt to get back into it – what was the quote? Something about doing everything you can :)

There is one point that I keep coming back to which I thought it better to just discuss with you to see if it can be helpful, regarding [… snip details …]

The funny thing is that I already know this is not the actual main sticking point. I know this because when I go into an EE, I see that it really does not matter. But then when I go back to normal, I end up ruminating about it. So, although it is not the actual central objection, I figured I may as well do whatever I can to eliminate it :) At the end I will report my explanation of why I think it does not really matter, but as I still keep ruminating about it clearly something about it still bothers me, hence my writing this email. I am hoping as being an observer outside of my own head, as well as the other participant in the conversation, you can help me shed light on it. Also it seems the process of writing it all out helps me to put my thoughts about it in order too.

[… snip details …]

I guess the only real niggle that can possibly remain is why we weren’t able to see eye to eye on that point about [… snip details …]. It does seem silly to be harping on this over a year later, but here I am. Maybe the bigger issue is that I actually fell into the trap of believing whatever you or Richard might say – I was initially critical but then it seems like I sort of gave up and just believed you about this point rather than pursue what I thought was (and seems to be) a valid critique. I do remember feeling like that was part of it, that in the interest of smoothing relations and focusing on becoming free myself, it was better to just agree – and after I settled on that, I was able to get myself to see the merits of [… snip details …] and avoid looking at the downsides too closely, and I became good at rhetorically supporting the [point]… until I couldn’t support it anymore due to [… snip details …].

In a sense it means that I do actually have to stand on my own and not believe either you or Richard – but this is uncomfortable to do especially on a topic we actually spent a lot of time discussing. It feels like I am doing something ‘wrong’ by doing so, by questioning and ending up disagreeing with what Richard wrote […]

But now that I write it it does seem a silly point to harp on… […] It certainly remains true that nothing about what I have experienced of actuality and pure intent indicates that there is anything even remotely possibly of being flawed or ‘wrong’ somehow, it *is* perfect, to be that is to be perfection personified […] And ultimately my objection comes down to not wanting to stop to be ‘me’ because of the feeling of fear and insecurity that brings – even though no longer being ‘me’ is the actual solution to that fear & insecurity!

So, I will end here for now – what do you think about all the above?

Cheers & best regards,
Claudiu

Claudiu, E-mail to Vineeto, 18 August 2024

claudiu: Talking with someone at length, I came to see that I actually have no responsibility whatsoever to change anybody’s mind!

I have no responsibility, or burden, to even change the world. ‘I’ cannot do it anyway. This is remarkably freeing.

What I can do is the very best, which is existing in the most harmonious and felicitous manner possible given the world is as it is and people as they are (which entails deep flaws and utter horrors and unbelievable madness) – and present facts and opinions to people as it may happen, and thereby give anyone I come in contact with the best chance they can have to perk up and take in what is being presented if it interests them.

And there’s really nothing else other than that! No responsibility whatsoever, how very freeing

This also means, of course, that ‘I’ do not need to be in control for this…

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 19 August 2024

claudiu: Hi Vineeto,

I don’t know how to properly express how wonderful your email was.

Any and all doubts surrounding this issue have completely evaporated upon my first reading of it.

Interestingly while normally when ‘I’ would have a problem, when it is resolved ‘I’ would feel relief – I didn’t feel relief upon the resolution here. Instead it was more along the lines of an understanding and appreciation of “of course that makes sense”, and then a noticing that I am now experiencing myself the same way I did when I was properly out-from-control :))

It is funny because the current experience is such that I had been out-from-control the entire time. But until I read the e-mail, my experience of myself certainly wasn’t that I was out-from-control the whole time. But it is odd because I wouldn’t say this experience of having been out-from-control the entire time is misinforming me in any way… but I remember that it wasn’t like that haha. You may have some experience with what I’m talking about? I remember Richard saying something to me like, once you are actually free your experience is like you have been like that your entire life. I said something like, but that is very strange because you weren’t like that your entire life – and he agreed that it is very strange (he emphasized the “very strange”).

claudiu: Yes, it is exactly like you wrote here: to maintain my sincerity (a perfect depiction) I can no longer agree or even pretend to agree  with something, anything, that I don’t genuinely and fully think is the case. I’m getting tears in my eyes now and shivers on my skin as the ramifications of just how perfect this situation is sink in. This is the case regardless of who says it, be they actually free or a feeling-being, even if they are the initial progenitor of this totally new way of being conscious.

I find now that there’s no need at all to address the specific contents of the [topic], whether it is how the past conversation went or what you or Richard may have thought or what you may continue to think about it. It’s really very simple – we can disagree! It’s not even a matter of “agreeing to disagree” like some like to say. We can just straightforwardly disagree! Why not? And if we both thought it was really important we could discuss it at length, but if one or the other or both thinks it’s not worth putting the time in then it really doesn’t matter.

Disagreeing about the [topic] certainly doesn’t cast a shadow on anything related to actualism itself. Reading the answer again now to “Why do Richard and Vineeto discuss topics which are not related to actualism?”, I see it does not even cast a shadow on either you or Richard’s abilities to “differentiate between the facts and factoids which are so prolific in current-affairs” or “descry factuality amidst fantasy in everyday interactions” or “draw[] distinctions amongst the lies, the bull, and the truth in the political arena” or “distinguish in a ready manner how subjectivity differs from objectivity in daily appraisals of[] outer-world reality”. You had good reasons to have the understanding you did. I did not have the best arguments […] and I basically chose to drop out of the conversation rather than pursue it (which was my choice). When I did present you with some […] evidence and explained it carefully, you readily accepted it. I don’t know what would happen if we continue the discussion but it doesn’t seem relevant anymore from my perspective at this point.

It is all just so wonderfully perfect, simple and straightforward, and now there is even less in the way preventing me from fully endorsing with all my being this pristine purity that is now readily flowing once again.

[…]

Cheers & best regards,
Claudiu

Claudiu, E-mail to Vineeto, 24 August 2024

claudiu: I am pleased to report that as of August 20^th, an out-from-control virtual freedom has resumed

It is funny because the current experience is such that I had been out-from-control the entire time. But until it resumed, my experience of myself certainly wasn’t that I was out-from-control the whole time. But it is odd because I wouldn’t say this experience of having been out-from-control the entire time is misinforming me in any way… but I remember that it wasn’t like that. I remember Richard saying something to me like, once you are actually free your experience is like you have been like that your entire life. I said something like, but that is very strange because you weren’t like that your entire life – and he agreed that it is very strange (he emphasized the “very strange”).

I wrote as much to Vineeto, and she wrote back on August 21^st:

claudiu: And, referring to what Richard told me:

claudiu: I am finding that it’s actually remarkably straightforward to impart actualism to my fellow human beings, even if they are not actualists.

One particularly mirificent occasion was when a fellow human being reported to me that they found it was not worth their emotional energy to continue being upset about a situation. I agreed with them, and pointed out how not only is it better for their own life, but it’s also better for the lives of everybody around them, as the effects of being upset percolate into the lives of everyone they interact with (such as by talking about it with others and it affecting their moods).

Then I said how it’s actually a key part of actualism (I had discussed actualism with them in the past), that being happy is actually not a self-centered thing, but a *selfless* thing to do. They weren’t sure what I meant. So then I pointed out how in order to stop being upset, you have to give up a part of ‘yourself’ – that part of ‘you’ that is upset – in order to allow feeling good to eventuate. And much to my delight, they saw exactly what I meant!

Then they brought up the immediate point, which is very relevant, of what is known in the “Burning Man” culture as a “glitter fairy” (or something like this). This is a person who is completely unaware of the impact of their own actions – they are just frolicking about, littering and disturbing the environment, but they themselves are having a good time. Is this person not being happy yet also remarkably selfish?

First I ruled out the possibility of them being “clueless”. I said pretty soon after somebody does someone will inform them that their actions are disturbing people. After that, they can no longer claim to be clueless. Then I pointed out how they are actually being inconsiderate, and how with actualism the goal is not just to be happy but to be happy *and harmless*. This, then, is truly selfless.

And they understood the point! They really fully got it. What a wonderful thing!

Another recent occasion was when discussing God with some fellow human beings. They said that they don’t believe in the God as in a Christian God in a religious/church sense, but that there is “something” out there that they believe in that they call God. This was in the context of me saying how people need something outside of themselves to not go off the rails.

I said that I found that “God” is actually redundant, because there is the universe which already exists, and already exists outside of anybody. And not only that but it is infinite, eternal, “all-powerful” in a sense… so there is no need for a “God”. And they got the point and said that that is a wonderful way to put it!

What I am also particularly delighting in is having ‘challenging’ conversations, ones with emotional conflict, with a vastly reduced emotional charge from my part. I find that when somebody isn’t understanding my point, and they react in a defensive or even offensive way, or even just in a disagreeable way, which would previously often upset me or cause me to converse more aggressively – now instead I am able to just “stop” and let the fact of the dispute exist on its own. I don’t need to express that emotional energy anymore. Instead it just sits there… and I find often I don’t really know what to say next. In the past this would be uncomfortable and I think this contributed to my lashing out aggressively in the past. But now I can just let the fact of the situation sink in for all. More often than not, the other person “recoups” and then says something, some follow-up, that allows the conversation to proceed towards a mutual understanding and agreement. Or after some pause I will think of something else to say. Or we will just move on to another topic! Why not?

Writing this out I appreciate just how much positive and beneficial impact a happy and harmless person can have on the people they interact with on a regular basis. Really this is not just for me, but for everyone.

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 26 August 2024

claudiu: Hi Kuba,

claudiu: What wonderful reports you have written here recently!

It seems from what you are writing that you, too, are experiencing an out-from-control virtual freedom? I certainly recognize much of what is happening for me in what you write here. Do you currently assess yourself to be in this situation? When did you notice that it had properly began? Has it been continuous or on-and-off as it was for me at times (although I would call it more ‘pausing’ and ‘resuming’ in my case).

Vineeto has pointed out to me that there is actually very little available in terms of reports of being out-from-control – I would encourage you to write as much as possible of what is going on for you, as this will be valuable information for any current actualists and future actualists to come.

For me the biggest thing I would say to those who are interested in what is being written here, is how remarkably easy it is, and how much smaller the barrier to entry really is than I thought before. Before it started to eventuate it seemed impossible and like I did not know how to possibly do it. But now it seems very easy, it essentially maintains itself (although you do need sufficient intent and vitality and will to continue down it or it can indeed fizzle), and also life is just much better to be lived this way.

Cheers,
Claudiu

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 28 August 2024

claudiu: Hi Felipe,

claudiu: Sure – I’m basically saying that it’s a lot easier to go out-from-control than you might think it is.

With this message I’m really striving to address someone like me who really wants to know exactly how to go out-from-control so that they can actually do it. With that in mind… my perception of going out-from-control before I did it is best epitomized by my reaction in 2017 to this answer that Dona gave to Solvann:

claudiu: At the time, when I read that Richard “skipped right over” an in-control virtual freedom and went directly to going out from control, my reaction was along the lines of a somewhat cynical, “well how special and magical ‘Richard’ was, meanwhile the rest of us have to work at it and it’s not so easy”.

Whereas the actually correct way to receive this information is: “wow, ‘Richard’ was a feeling-being just like we are now, and he was able to go directly out from control without a prolonged period of applying the actualism method… that means that anybody can do this too, going out from control does not have the prerequisites we might think it does, it’s really much easier!”

Further, when I read that Richard only had one instance of slipping to normal, and that he “didn’t do anything to get back to being out-from-control”, my reaction was again a similar type of “well Richard was so extraordinary that he could do that, the rest of us can’t”. Whereas the correct appraisal, which I can confirm from my own experience now, is “wow, how easy and effortless being out-from-control is! We should strive to do that as soon as possible!”

The way I would put it now, to someone for whom it seems nearly impossible to go out-from-control, is that, first of all, you haven’t done it before, so you don’t know how to do it, and indeed won’t really know how until it’s happening. But this doesn’t prevent you from following the advice of someone who did and trying until it works.

And, secondly, there actually is no barrier or requirement or prerequisite to go out-from-control, other than genuinely wanting it and allowing it to happen. That is, the reason it hasn’t worked to go out-from-control is not because it is ‘hard’ or ‘difficult’ or you have to ‘be’ a special person or ‘wait’ until the time is right… it’s because ‘you’ have an objection, ‘you’ are putting up some resistance to allowing it to happen.

Having objections and putting up resistance is all perfectly normal of course… and it also serves as making it obvious precisely how to go about allowing it to happen: reflect on it, consider it, contemplate it, read the reports Kuba and I are putting out of what it is like to be out-from-control, consider what it would be like if this were happening in your life, intend to do it and allow yourself to do it, and when an objection comes up, look at it and resolve it – and rinse and repeat until it is happening!

What made this totally obvious for me, that it’s just about wanting it to happen, is what I initially reported in as a “speed bump” starting on Jul 29^th (#194), elaborated as being “more of a derailment” 10 days later on Aug 8^th (#198), which fully resolved another 10 days later on Aug 20^th (#210). This is how the “derailment” started:

claudiu: In other words, it was inescapably obvious that it was ‘me’ putting up a resistance that caused it to fizzle out. Over the course of those 20 days, I increasingly came to see that all ‘me’ and ‘my’ antics ever amount to is a completely sub-par outcome. In other words, I saw it was simply not better to remain being ‘me’ as ‘I’ was, it was a worse outcome not a better one. There was no silver lining either, there was no “it’s better in some ways but worse in others” – it was just clear that it is worse in every way.

Finally I had seen enough that I then began to be drawn back to it, and then with some concerted pin-pointing and thoughts of a particular objection, once it got resolved I found myself already back to being out-from-control as if there was no 20-day gap in it (as I wrote in #210).

claudiu: In addition to everything above, I encourage you to (re-)read #173 where I gave some advice to @Kub933 who was wondering “how to proceed” from where he was into going out-from-control. It seemed to work for him as ~25 days later he was out-from-control, as he reported in #188.

I’ll also take this opportunity to encourage @Kub933 to answer this same question

Cheers & best regards,
Claudiu

Claudiu, Discuss Actualism Online, Claudiu’s Journal, 29 August 2024

claudiu: Hi Vineeto,

[…]

claudiu: I agree with you now and would also classify me as having been out-from-control the entire time.

I thought they were distinct stops and starts with pin-pointed moments where it happened, but then I realized reading some of what I wrote during those alleged stopped periods, was very much along the lines of what I was writing outside of them. It was not a normal (i.e. in-control) ‘Claudiu’ and I even wrote as much during the entries! Haha.

[…]

claudiu: Everything just continues to unfold in an astounding and wondrous way. I realized recently that as a normal feeling-being, my ‘default’ was to shrink back in on myself or withdraw ‘into’ myself and sort of wallow in ‘myself’. This is just what I would do when on my own or falling asleep at night, for example.

And I realized that this just doesn’t happen anymore! That default ‘center’ way of being just doesn’t happen in that way anymore. Instead there’s just a very straightforward… I’m not sure how to put it. I want to say a “stillness” but it isn’t a “stillness” in quite the way that I sense it when time is standing still. But maybe it has to do with this. It’s like there is no need for a movement of emotion anymore, nor any desire to spin around inside of myself in that way. It’s just… simple and straightforward. It is very peaceful and enjoyable and it sure saves a lot of energy!

[…]

Cheers,
Claudiu

Claudiu, E-mail to Vineeto, 6 September 2024