November 8 2025

VINEETO: Ha, so much better that you started to think for yourself and experientially explore for yourself.

SONYA: Yes, definitely. Of course I couldn’t grasp it before, I was just blindly trying to imitate Kuba.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Naturally you did that, after all you had to first discover, and then question, that you did everything to stay “connected” to Kuba (see Actualism, Actualvineeto, Sonya, 3 July 2025)

Now, having discovered how delightful it is to stand on your own two feet and think for yourself, you might be more easily be able to experience intimacy with the fellow human being you share your life with.

*

VINEETO: Perhaps not being burdened by too many “lofty thoughts” and “psychic adumbrations” in the first place gives you an advantage so you can concentrate on the “profound feelings” whenever they get in the way of enjoyment and appreciation.

SONYA: Hahah, Kuba likes to joke about how all that’s going on in my head are ponies and rainbows.

VINEETO: Ha, to each their own. You follow what you determine is adult sensibility and non-sophistication. Being foolish is the worst people can say about you when you play the game of naïvely playing together and being happy and harmless rather than engage is useless and harmful power-battles – so you know that you are not foolish. And the pioneer, which you are by living the third alternative, are bound not to rely on the judgement of their peers who follow the tried and failed route. (see images Actualism, Vineeto, List C, No. 4, 4.12.1998)

As I wrote to Chrono the other day –

Vineeto: By choosing to be naïvely happy and harmless you voluntarily withdraw from the battlefield (not as a pacifist or virtue-hunter) but as someone who prefers (i.e. values more) getting along in a beneficial way with your fellow human beings.

You are playing a different game, so to speak. Or, as Richard called it – playing for fun, not for keeps. (see Actualism, Actualvineeto, Chrono2, 6 November 2025).

*

VINEETO: Indeed, being kind to yourself, down-to-earth and unsophisticated you can do one step at a time and with each success you become more confident that living as happy and harmless as possible is doable and fruitful – and what is more, you keep on enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive while doing it.

SONYA: Yes, this is really helpful to keep in mind. I appreciate how as a younger woman it is easier or more socially acceptable to be this way. However, I am intrigued sometimes when I get called “simple minded” because I’m happy at work or appreciating the vibrant green of my iced matcha latte. Yet, everyone benefits from me choosing to be this way. Being happy and harmless seems to not mix well with being a “mature adult”. I’m starting to see how being sophisticated is not in line with enjoy and appreciating. It definitely gives off an exclusive vibe, unattainable, separate.

VINEETO: Yes, it is the old ‘us’ vs ‘them’, and you are apparently in the minority because not many people dare to be naïve. It is your choice how you want to live your life, you reap the benefits and, as you observed, others benefit too from your felicitous and innocuous infectious vibes.

SONYA: Just to add, it also doesn’t mean that I am to be like an immature child either. I always liked the phrase “childlike wonder… with adult sensibilities”.

VINEETO: It is indeed very helpful to keep, and develop, your “adult sensibilities” together with the “childlike wonder”. Even in the often vicious battle of survival both amongst animals and humans, it is not the strongest which survives but the ‘fittest’.

Richard: The Phrase ‘Blind Nature’: As a matter of related interest: whilst blind nature is unintelligent it is not necessarily haphazard, arbitrary ... it, being cause-and-effect based, is pragmatic (as opposed to principled) in an adventitious way. The evolutionists’ phrase ‘survival of the fittest’ means those best fitted to the environment survive to propagate the species and does not necessarily mean survival of the most muscular (as it is sometimes taken to mean).

And because intelligence, which is the ability to think, reflect, compare, evaluate and implement considered action for beneficial reasons, has developed in the human animal it may very well be the best-fitted of all ... especially now that blind nature’s legacy can be safely dispensed with. (Richard, Abditorium, Human Condition, #blindnature)

And here is a longer explication of the same topic with listing all the various thought-processes an intelligent human can make use of –

Richard:... in evolutionary terms the long, slow evolution of intelligence has its roots in the most ‘on the ball’, the most shrewd and/or sharp and/or smart and/or cunning and/or wily and/or sly, and so on, outmanoeuvring the least ‘on the ball’ – the most dumb – and there is nothing abstract about that (the term ‘survival of the fittest’ does not mean the survival of the most muscular, as is often commonly misunderstood, but means those most fitted to the environment live to pass on their genes whilst the least fitted languish and die out).

And, even more prosaically, the long, slow evolution of intelligence is also the result of successfully negotiating what has been called the vicissitudes of life: not only obtaining such basic necessities as air, water, food, shelter and clothing (if the weather be inclement) in the face of fire, flood, famine, tempest, vulcanicity, pestilence, disease, and so on, but prospering whilst doing so because of tool-making, for instance, or the utilisation of fire, for another ... none of which are abstract.

Intelligence is the cognitive faculty of understanding and comprehending (as in intellect and sagacity) ... which means the cerebral ability to sensibly and thus judiciously think, remember, reflect, appraise, plan, and implement considered activity for beneficial purposes (and to be able to rationally convey reasoned information to other human beings so that coherent knowledge can accumulate around the world and to the next generations). Yet there is more to intelligence than the faculty of the human brain thinking with all its understanding (intellect) and comprehension (sagacity) as, along with the self-referential nature that being conscious implies (agency, or intervening action towards an end, implies self-interest), the brain’s cognisance of being a conscious body – thus being self-conscious or self-aware – in the world of other animals, vegetation, things, and events, is an essential prerequisite for intelligence to arise ... and, again, there is nothing abstract about being aware of being conscious.

Incidentally, abstract (conjectural) thought is but one of the many ways of thinking: for instance there is practical/ impractical thought; pragmatic/ imaginative thought; reasoned/ expressive thought; adventitious/ principled thought; prudential/ philosophical (or politic/ philosophic) thought; insightful/ intuitive thought; judicious/ injudicious thought; rational/ irrational thought; logical/ illogical thought; salubrious/ pathological thought, as well as illative thought (inferential, deductive, inductive thought) and reflective thought, contemplative, meditative, pensive thought) and so on.

As thought is broadly categorised as being perceptive thought (sensible thought), or realistic (extrinsic) thought, and imperceptive thought (intelligible thought), or autistic (intrinsic) thought, then I guess the latter could be broadly categorised as abstract thought. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 50, 3 November 2003)

Enjoy your childlike wonder with adult sensibilities.

Cheers Vineeto

February 8 2026

SONYA: So, a while ago I wrote about feeling connected in the nurturing sense. I noticed I had the tendency to relate to people in a nurturing way. I have been noticing lately when I begin to do that and to nip it in the bud. I notice the good feelings come up, and the difference between a preference and a good feeling.

What I seem to still be stuck on, and this became startling clear last night, is that I am still feeling connected to Kuba in some other way. I am so easily and greatly effected by his vibe towards me.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

You start by saying you feel connected but what this ‘connection’ is comprised of that you want his approval – and when his mood/ vibes indicate he does not approve of you in certain situations, you are not feeling good. This quote from Richard might be informative –

Richard: My second wife would oft-times say to others how it was not always easy to live with me as ‘she’ was totally ignored (in ‘her’ view) by me. (Please note it is an impossibility to ignore anything at all which has no existence in actuality and how I do pay lip-service, just as I am now, to the apparent existence of any identity feeling itself to be real). What my second wife was really referring to is the total absence of any supportive identity rapport/ affective connection. (Richard, List D, No. 15, 12 November 2009).

In other words, the identity, being a contingent ‘being’, dependant on the confirmation of others to confirm ‘your’ existence is seeking this confirmation primarily from your live-in partner and therefore how you feel is dependent on this (positive) confirmation. As such you can nip in the bud the relating to people in a nurturing way but unless you understand the pattern of your dependency you only shift the process of being acknowledged/ confirmed from one person to the other. Nipping in the bud only works when you have already understood the underlying cause in each situation, in this case dependency.

Here is something ‘Vineeto’ wrote about gaining more and more autonomy –

‘Vineeto’: Whenever fear arose of losing Peter or when I noticed that I started depending on his company for my happiness, I looked into those emotions to understand what exactly it was that I was afraid of. I could easily detect that my cherished tender instincts, my feelings of love, belonging and affection were the very cause of my fear and dependency. I found that I had to question every single one of my ideals and dreams about relationship, as well as my imaginations and hopes, expectations and principles to be able to become free of fear and to begin to become autonomous.

The fairy-tales that I had loved as a child and the heroic legends that I had read as a youth – all talked about love as the primary fulfilment in life and the ultimate goal ... after the princess found prince charming ‘they lived happily ever after’. All the poetry that is written about love conveys the same picture, the bittersweet longing and a fulfilment that gives content and meaning to life. In reality I found that love meant that I wanted the other to determine, colour and fulfill my life and to guarantee my happiness – an obvious relegation of my responsibility for my own life and happiness. [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Gary-c, 2.3.2001).

The whole section is worth reading. And another piece about autonomy instead of ‘being authentic’ –

‘Vineeto’: Yes, that is exactly what I mean. The longer I applied the method the easier it became to sit with the emotion that occurred, ponder it over, trace it to its source and, upon complete understanding, step out of it completely.

Respondent: It seems more authentic for me to communicate with others what I am upset about if I am getting upset. This is not to put a demand upon them or tell them that their behaviour must change. It is to openly communicate where my buttons are – not an attempt to blame others for my feelings – while I continue to investigate and clean myself up.

‘Vineeto’: I found that ‘me’ being ‘authentic’ was just as ‘self’-serving as being hypocritical. Being authentic is the new-age version of letting everyone around have a piece of one’s feelings. If you look at today’s authenticity-gurus such as Oprah Winfrey then you can see that the core of their teaching is how to be authentically ‘me’. That’s what people have always done down through the ages – the only difference now is that it has the modern stamp of approval by calling it loving your ‘true self’ – a shoddy mixture of Eastern spiritualism and pop psychology.

What is the real purpose of being authentic? What is the underlying reason for wanting to air my feelings? Why do I want someone else to know where my ‘buttons’ are? Why do I want others to be sensitive towards ‘me’?

Rather than being authentic towards others, I found it invaluable and imperative to be honest with myself, because without honesty and integrity I would have never found out ‘my’ tricks and cunning. ‘Me’ being honest and authentic with others invariably means that I am sharing my sad and grotty ‘self’ with others, which only serves to justify, maintain and perpetuate ‘me’.

The decision to clean oneself up is a unilateral decision – it involves no one else but me. As long as I expect respect, comfort, support, understanding or agreement from others in order to start the journey, I will be waiting forever. Actualism is a do it yourself and do it by yourself method. It is an immense freedom to realize that you are not beholden to anyone else to begin the actualism practice but that you can become free at your own pace and do so in complete autonomy and anonymity. [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, No. 37, 20.1.2002).

SONYA: I think it’s still the authority. I still relate to him in that sense and I have become entirely sick of it. How have I given up my own autonomy so easily to someone who is also another feeling being capable of being angry, lashing out etc. and not expecting him to do so? I see that I have put my life in his hands (whether he wanted it or not) trusting and expecting him to be gentle and kind 24/7. How unfair and how silly. As I am writing this it’s becoming more clear why I am so effected by his vibe towards me, I put how I am feeling into his hands, completely at his mercy to do with as he pleases. I have not taken control of my own life in that sense so when he does lash out I feel utterly helpless and it feels like the rug is ripped out from under my feet and I there is no continuing. All very dramatic and world ending. Maybe it won’t be so intense and all consuming if I didn’t put my life in his hands.

VINEETO: Well, you don’t have much choice – about 99.9% of human beings are feeling beings with exactly the same predicament, including yourself. To blame the other never ever solves the problem, it only compounds it. Now that you noticed and acknowledged that you put your life and happiness in his hands (which is what love does), you can take your life into your own hands and be fully responsible for your own happiness and harmlessness, whatever the circumstances. That’s what actualism means, dedicate your life to be happy and harmless, eventually unconditionally so. And that is what you both set out to do at the start of your acquaintance, live together in peace and harmony, each cleaning themselves up to be able to do that. The latest spat between you and Kuba (here and following posts) only shows that each has still plenty to look at.

How about eradicating full-blown anger as Richard described here, i.e. when you feel anger rising, stop, don’t express nor suppress, get back to feeling good and then contemplate how your frustrated hopes and dreams have interfered with feeling good. Once you had some insights and sorted it out you can impart your findings and discoveries if you want to – but blaming the other for one’s frustration will never end the conflict for good.

SONYA: [Addendum]: It’s scary for me to contemplate doing this as it means severing our ‘relationship’. Of course, logically I can see the benefits and sense in it but to actually see it, want it completely 100%, and do it is a different action.

VINEETO: I am not sure what you mean by “severing our ‘relationship’” – the way you phrased it sounds rather radical as in moving out, born of frustration. What you ideally want to do it change the way you are relating from a dependant, love-based possessive-demanding relating to a more naïve intimacy-based relating – from fellow human being to fellow human being, who both basically share the same aim – to live together in peace and harmony, and revel in the delights of enjoying each other’s company and shared intimacy.

Cheers Vineeto

February 11 2026

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

This has given me quite a bit to think about. I look forward to exploring what’s going on. I can tell there is definitely an element of an unsure little girl hiding behind his legs, waiting for approval, checking with him to ensure everything is safe. Of course, if he gets upset with me, I feel “told off”, to the point of in a heated moment, “sticking to my guns” to blame him for my upset. In the moment I needed him to acknowledge the hurt so I feel safe to go back hiding behind him again.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Good. Now that you see it a bit clearer, can you understand that someone has to stop the tit-for-tat blame-game if you both want to live in peace and harmony? And because the only person you can change is yourself – the buck can stop with you, if you choose to. So instead of aiming your actions “to acknowledge the hurt so I feel safe to go back hiding behind him again” you have the choice “in a heated moment” to unilaterally keep your hands in your pocket, sit quietly until you cooled off and feel good again.

It may seem scary at first but if you succeed not to suppress or express your “frustration/ anger/ sadness” in that “heated moment” you will experience your own autonomy coming to the fore. Doing this you get to experience the confidence that you can indeed deal with your emotions in a constructive and harmless way. And if you succeed once, you know you can do it next time as well. And what a joy when you dealt with your emotions to then share your success and your insights with him.

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VINEETO: I am not sure what you mean by “severing our ‘relationship’” – the way you phrased it sounds rather radical as in moving out, born of frustration. What you ideally want to do is change the way you are relating from a dependant, love-based possessive-demanding relating to a more naïve intimacy-based relating – from fellow human being to fellow human being, who both basically share the same aim – to live together in peace and harmony, and revel in the delights of enjoying each other’s company and shared intimacy.

SONYA: Yes, I can see why that sounds rather radical. I admit I was still feeling rather raw whilst writing this. I more so meant the “relationship” I have in my head, the one that doesn’t actually exist but I feel it to be real. The relationship in which I have decided my partner’s role is a provider/ protecter or can very quickly switch to aggressor/ villein. I hope that is a bit more clear.

I’d very much like to end that and meet the actual Kuba.

VINEETO: This is certainly more clear, and again, the onus is on you to change this kind of relationship, unilaterally. After all, as you said “the one that doesn’t actually exist but I feel it to be real” and therefore you can choose to aim for a different kind of relationship. You can, gradually, stand on your own two feet, don’t expect to be protected and provided for and can relate with your partner in a more amicable basis. I remember we talked about a feeling being is a “persona” –

Richard: As I slowly started to unravel the mess that humankind was deeply mired in by unravelling it in me, I discovered a second layer under ‘my’ acculturated ethnicity ... ‘I’ was brainwashed into being a ‘man’ and not simply a flesh and blood male body. Under the enculturated layers lies a further identity ... the genetically-inherited animal ‘self’. It took me years and years of exploration and discovery to find out that ‘I’ was a ‘me’ – a ‘being’ – and not simply a flesh and blood body. By identification as ‘me’, a psychological/ psychic entity was able to ‘possess’ this body. It is not unlike those Christians who are said to be possessed by an evil entity and require exorcism. Only this ‘possession’ was called being normal. Therefore, every human being is thus possessed by an ‘alien entity’ ... I discovered that a ‘walk-in’ was in control of this body and that this ‘walk-in’ was ‘me’.

(…)

These are related to roles, rank, positions, station, status, class, age, gender ... the whole organisation of hierarchical control. But behind all that – underlying all socialised classifications – is the persistent feeling of being an identity inhabiting the body: an affective ‘entity’ as in a deep, abiding and profound feeling of being an occupant, a tenant, a squatter or a phantom hiding behind a façade, a mask, a persona; as a subjective emotional psychological ‘self’ and/or a passionate psychic ‘being’ (‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul) inhabiting the psyche; a deep feeling of being a ‘spirit’; a consciousness of the immanence of ‘presence’ (which exists immortally); an awareness of being an autological ‘being’ ... the realisation of ‘Being’ itself. In other words: everything you think, feel and instinctually know yourself to be.

Your feeling of being – the real ‘me’ – is evidenced when one says: ‘But what about me, nobody loves me for me’. For a woman it may be: ‘You only want me for my body ... and not for me’. For a man it may be: ‘You only want me for my money ... and not for me’. For a child it may be: ‘You only want to be my friend because of my toys (or sweets or whatever)’. That deep feeling of ‘me’ – that ‘being’ itself – is at the core of identity. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 12a, 28 January 1999)

You had said in reply –

Sonya: So from the quotes you provided of Richard’s writings I understand it is the reason why I feel there is something fundamentally wrong with me is because who ‘I’ am as an identity isn’t actual, I exist as a mix of instinctual passions, roles, rank, etc. I like the use of the word ‘persona’. This is exactly how I feel. Like I am keeping up a persona. (Actualism, Actualvineeto, Sonya, 15 April 2025).

VINEETO: Well, you obviously decided that you no longer like being this chosen persona because you found it counterproductive. With this realisation you can now begin to explore and dismantle all the different aspects of what this ‘persona’ of Sonya consists of, in your own good time, and abandon whatever aspect you no longer find conducive to living in peace and harmony. Some aspects can be abandoned right away, others will need some insightful contemplation and courage to put into action.

You will be surprised, that in the end all layers of one’s social identity, and expressions of the instinctual passions, are standing in the way of peace and harmony and thus enjoying and appreciating being alive. The more sincere (less of a persona) you become the better the chance to “meet the actual Kuba”.

Cheers Vineeto

February 11 2026

‘VINEETO’: There’s a curious thing about emotions and instinctual passions – if you want to be genuinely free of the negative or ‘bad’ emotions you will have to question the positive or ‘good’ emotions first. If you want to become free of feeling insulted and blamed by others you will have to abandon seeking the praise of others, if you want to become free of the fear of losing a cherished item or job you will have to investigate the desire, affection and attachment for that item or job, and if you want to become free of the fear of the loss of ‘loved ones’ you will have to inquire into your of desire to belong and your feelings of dependency and love.

GARY: So it appears that initially the intent to be free of the negative or ‘bad’ emotions is what fuels the investigation into the instinctual passions. But one finds out relatively quickly, going back to a seminal point that Richard talks about, that one cannot be a ‘stripped down self’. I did not really understand this at first but as I continue using the method of actualism I see with increasing clarity that this is true. One cannot eliminate the negative, invidious passions without the positive, ‘loving’ emotions, and this is a major point at which one may well balk. What I have found to be true of myself, at the current stage, is that I may fondly imagine that I am free from being shackled to the influence of others, I may imagine that I am free from the attachment to the job or the praise of the supervisor, but I am not. And each one of these startling glimpses into the way ‘I’ operate leads to a greater freedom from ‘my’ habitual clinging and holding of people, places, and things. Merely wanting to be free from these things is, of course, not enough. One has to be able to experience the ‘me’ in action, see ‘me’ in all my cunningness, duplicity, and dishonesty. One needs to be neither in love with love, or embittered and disillusioned by love’s failures. One needs to see oneself for who one is, and when I use the word ‘one’ I am referring to the alien entity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body. When one really sees oneself for who one is, one is free to be what one is.

‘VINEETO’: The closer I looked into the so-called positive feelings that I had cherished for so long, the more I discovered that love had no tangible benefits, only fleeting emotions and un-kept promises. Inevitably attachment would lead to resentment, fear and jealousy, the desire for unconditional love would lead to unconditional, as in unquestioning, dependency and the desire to appear unconditionally loving would lead to self-contempt, hypocrisy and an emotional and physical withdrawal from the so-called bad world.
So ‘disillusionment’, as in acknowledging that love has failed to bring an actual peace and harmony between human beings, is a necessary starting point as one dismantles imagination and discovers the facts.
When you say ‘one needs to see oneself for who one is’ I was reminded of this quote from Richard about seeing facts, and it has helped me a few times to overcome fear and do what was obviously the next step – (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Gary-c, 23.3.2001)

SONYA: Just been slowly reading this over and over again as each time something clicks but it’s interesting how it’s all slowly revealing itself.

VINEETO: Don’t be discouraged by the slowness of things becoming more clear. Actual freedom is radical, it’s neither taught in school are at home, it entirely new. And it is very helpful to read over a piece of writing several times, so that your consciousness (your brain in action) can digest the various ramifications of what is being written.

SONYA: For the past 5 or so years I have been ignoring that I have in fact been in love, not to the “normal” extent as it hasn’t been nurtured but I have nevertheless allowed myself to fall in love. I’ve always known that of course there was loving feelings there but I was never able to admit to myself that I have fallen in love and dismissing it as “loving feelings” which didn’t need to be looked at. I’ve fully become entangled in it. The aim was never to fall in love but I seem to have ended up here anyways. I can begin to see it now, the authority, dependency, nurturing. It’s all because I have fallen in love.

VINEETO: This is an excellent discovery and good news – to finally have the appropriate label for the conglomerate of feelings (good and bad feelings) that you experienced “for the past 5 or so years”. It is easy, especially when familiar with actualism writings to kid oneself that one is forewarned and forearmed. And yet love itself is a strong instinctual and social conditioning that because of being forewarned love can easily go unnoticed. In that case only rigorous sincerity will bring it out in the open. Usually the negative side-effects of love such as possessiveness and jealousy, wanting to change the other according to one’s own image and similar domineering feelings and behaviour finally give it away.

SONYA: I mean, of course merely saying I don’t want to be in love or logical not seeing the sense in it is not enough and actually experiencing it myself, looking at it, exploring it and actually knowing fully to my bones that I don’t want it never happened. I never found out experientially that this is not the path I want to go down. It feels like a weight lifting off my shoulders finally realising and admitting this, it explains the intense bad feelings (the other side of love) whenever the good feelings of love weren’t reciprocated. I’ve been repressing, ignoring, brushing it under the rug all this time.

VINEETO: This is a great description of what being in love entails and already knowing this much about yourself will help you to extricate yourself from the trap of love. I guess you won’t get much support from your girlfriends in this endeavour! You are to entirely rely on your own determination and experiential expertise in this exciting adventure. However, you are not on your own –

Richard: It is not for the faint of heart or the weak of knee ... but pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude. And once embarked upon the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom, you are not on your own: this perfection is with you all the way ... but if you waver, you are indeed doing it on your own. It is a matter of having the courage of your convictions and letting nothing stand in your way; determination and perseverance are the essential prerequisites to ensure success ... coupled with application and diligence. To sum it all up: having the “courage of your convictions” has nothing to do with believing, trusting, hoping, having faith or building a certitude that it be possible. Personally, I never believed or trusted that it was possible; nor did I have hope or faith or certitude, for such an action of believing, trusting, hoping and having faith and certitude perpetuates the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful certifier. On the contrary, I could no longer believe that it was not possible ... which is a different action entirely. I stopped believing, period. (Richard’s Journal, Article Seven, p. 60).

I wish you all the success and fun for this great adventure.

Cheers Vineeto

February 13 2026

VINEETO: Good. Now that you see it a bit clearer, can you understand that someone has to stop the tit-for-tat blame-game if you both want to live in peace and harmony? And because the only person you can change is yourself – the buck can stop with you, if you choose to.

SONYA: Yes, I actually noticed when I began to blame the other day. It was actually the time that Kuba wrote about when the drink was accidentally knocked over the back of the sofa. He went to blame and I went to blame right back. I quickly noticed there was the anxiety and fear of punishment that was bubbling up which propelled me to retaliate. When I noticed I was doing the tit for tat blame game again I shut-up and consciously decided to stop right then and there. I saw there was no point, and that actually there was no punishment that was coming so why am I continuing on this game? There was still tension as we both did still start the game but it dissipated quickly, luckily for my friend who was sat in the room with us and got slightly caught in the cross fire.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Ah, you understood the gist of the blaming game, and already put into action to stop it. It won’t take long to extinguish this unhealthy (silly) habit when you keep paying attention to how you feel.

*

VINEETO: This is certainly more clear, and again, the onus is on you to change this kind of relationship, unilaterally. After all, as you said “the one that doesn’t actually exist but I feel it to be real” and therefore you can choose to aim for a different kind of relationship. You can, gradually, stand on your own two feet, don’t expect to be protected and provided for and can relate with your partner in a more amicable basis.

SONYA: Over the past two days there has been an excitement and anxiety as I’ve been contemplating actually standing on my own two feet. I feel as if I have stepped away from hiding behind Kuba but not quite yet taken the step further to stand entirely on my own two feet. Almost like I’m staying very close, just in case I need to dart back to the “safety”.

VINEETO: This is a big change and you can be patient with yourself. Each time you notice you are ‘hiding’ you consider if it’s worthwhile to step out into the open instead. The more often you do it the more confidence you gain. It’s fun, and the thrill of doing something daring adds to the adventure.

*

VINEETO: This is an excellent discovery and good news – to finally have the appropriate label for the conglomerate of feelings (good and bad feelings) that you experienced “for the past 5 or so years”. It is easy, especially when familiar with actualism writings to kid oneself that one is forewarned and forearmed. And yet love itself is a strong instinctual and social conditioning that because of being forewarned love can easily go unnoticed. In that case only rigorous sincerity will bring it out in the open. Usually the negative side-effects of love such as possessiveness and jealousy, wanting to change the other according to one’s own image and similar domineering feelings and behaviour finally give it away.

SONYA: I’ve been starting to notice and pick up on the loving feelings that come up. Noticing the good feelings of love have been quite eye-opening and being able to pick up on the behaviour I display to chase those good feelings. This has also led me to notice the bad feelings that come into play very quickly when the good feelings aren’t nurtured. Yesterday, Kuba said jokingly “why are you so far away from me, you don’t like me anymore”. Although he was joking, I immediately felt responsible for making him feel better, I felt the urge to immediately go comfort him and prove to him that of course I still like him so I felt secure again and resentment then followed quickly. Funny how I’ve been blind to it for so long.

VINEETO: Well, Sonya, you have discovered three big aspects of your ‘persona’, which have the potential to now make your life more felicitous and innocuous. Isn’t it amazing how simply paying attention to how you experience life with intent uncover the secrets preventing you from enjoying and appreciating being here produce so many excellent results? I am looking forward to more reports of your success.

Cheers Vineeto

February 20 2026

SONYA: Everything has been pretty steady lately, I’ve started to notice a few aspects in my life and interactions where love has crept in. For example, Kuba has been enjoying playing his video game, during the week I would come home and notice a feeling of disappointment come up to see him absorbed in his game. I noticed that what I was wanting after coming home, was to get the good feelings of a loving connection from him after not seeing him all day, and of course as soon as that wasn’t received it evolved to the bad feeling. Well, rather then mope about, I decided that I can, in fact, have a great time doing something that I wanted to do rather than wait around to receive some loving feelings, which would ultimately end in disappointment. So, I decided to go give Poncho a bath instead (visual reference below)

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Are you aware that you have just transferred those “loving good feelings” to your dog who was at the time more receptive than Kuba? I am sure you will work out over time how you can relate in a more naïve intimacy-based relating – from fellow human being to fellow human being, who both basically share the same aim – to live together in peace and harmony, and revel in the delights of enjoying each other’s company and shared intimacy – once he takes a break from his game, that is.

SONYA: I used to always say that I looked forward to coming home from work and seeing Kuba, I now realise that what I was looking forward to was to receive the loving good feelings.

VINEETO: A good observation, and it’s worthwhile to more and more replace that expectation “to receive the loving good feelings” with autonomy, which enables a non-possessive intimate relating and appreciation – togetherness and closeness, without expectation or blame, simply enjoying and appreciating as intimately as possible, a fellow human being’s company.

Cheers Vineeto

March 11 2026

SONYA: The weather has finally taken a turn for the better in the UK and I’m really enjoying my commute to work and home.

I’ve been playing a little game with myself in the car on how much I can amp up enjoying and appreciating the journey. The upside of this game is that I arrive to my work happy, light, enjoying catching up with my colleagues, but from there I will go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating. On the way home I find myself just simply happy to be here, not necessarily looking forward to seeing Kuba or Poncho although it is a plus that they are there, but I am enjoying life either way. There is no downside.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

This is good news indeed.

I noticed you said that “the weather has finally taken a turn for the better” – does this mean you couldn’t enjoy the rain as well? It can be so cozy sitting in the dry, with the sound of the rain pounding on the roof or gently watering the land, washing everything clean, feeding the vegetation and giving it all an additional sparkle when the sun peeks through. Why should only sunny days provide reason for enjoyment and appreciation?

The other question which arose from reading your report – when you say you “go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating”. What is it that triggers your feeling good dipping into “normal”, let alone “bad”. When you are back to feeling good, is there a way for you to go back to the event and identify the trigger and investigate the cause so that it won’t happen again next time?

Something like this for instance –

Richard: What the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago would do is first get back to feeling good and then, and only then, suss out where, when, how, why – and what for – feeling bad happened as experience had shown ‘him’ that it was counter-productive to do otherwise.

What ‘he’ always did however, as it was often tempting to just get on with life then, was to examine what it was all about within half-an-hour of getting back to feeling good (while the memory was still fresh) even if it meant sometimes falling back into feeling bad by doing so ... else it would crop up again sooner or later.

Nothing, but nothing, can be swept under the carpet. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005).

Just a thought so that you are not at the whim of your emotions but can eliminate the triggers for a dipping in your good mood once and for all. Some triggers may require a bit of contemplation – are they just a habit, or is the a dearly-held concept of belief, or a special pet-peeve for feeling annoyed?

Once you get the hang of it is fun to solve those puzzles, with the reward is that these triggers won’t stir you up anymore.

Cheers Vineeto

March 12 2026

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

I do enjoy the rain sometimes. Mostly when I’m inside but definitely not when the cold wind is blowing and my umbrella is being turned inside out or when I’m driving on the motorway . Although, I very much used to enjoy the monsoon storms when I was younger in Malaysia. My favourite weather is straight after it has finished raining in the spring, I find everything has this extra richness and the smell of wet earth to be captivating. I enjoy both rain and sunshine but do have a preference. I think I was just getting excited about the evidence of summer coming through to the UK after a long couple months of constant rain.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

That is good to hear, especially when you say “everything has this extra richness and the smell of wet earth to be captivating”.

*

VINEETO: The other question which arose from reading your report – when you say you “go back and forth between feeling “normal”, bad, or enjoying and appreciating”. What is it that triggers your feeling good dipping into “normal”, let alone “bad”. When you are back to feeling good, is there a way for you to go back to the event and identify the trigger and investigate the cause so that it won’t happen again next time?

SONYA: Yes, I am definitely aware of what triggers my feeling good into “normal” or “bad”. It is always the exact same thing at work, which I have been noting each time and I have been progressively been able to get back to feeling good quicker and quicker when noticing that I’m not feeling good anymore. I have yet to nip it in the bud so it doesn’t happen again. I find that I struggle when investigating to get past a certain point, I can often find what the belief is that is preventing me from feeling good but to get further than that to nip in the bud is where I fail.

VINEETO: I wonder if you missed something in the actualism method. You see, being aware of your feelings is not enough, and sometimes something cannot be just nipped in the bud – it is keeps coming back again and again, which indicates that it is too complex. It may be that you need to look for a belief or a moral/ethical concept, a pattern of emotional reactions to understand first, before you can conclude what it is and then make the decision that it’s not worth keeping it. There could be things like pride, competition, wanting it your way or rebellion against the other wanting it their way. Sometimes there is a ‘good’ feeling connected with it that needs uprooting as well.

Saying you are “aware of what triggers my feeling good into ‘normal’ or ‘bad’” you have a good start to dig deeper into this stumbling block.

Here is something feeling being ‘Vineeto’ wrote about it –

Respondent: Maybe I could make this a little clearer ... When I label the feeling and investigate it, is there a further technique for getting rid of the feeling that I am having? Or is it observing the feelings as they happen that lessens their grip?

‘Vineeto’: Personally, observing the feeling was not enough – I had my fair share of this observing business in my spiritual years and the only result was detachment. In actualism I look for the cause that prevents me from being happy and harmless in this moment and mostly, seeing and understanding the cause, coupled with sincere intent, is sufficient to get me back to feeling happy again. If not, then I need to dig a bit deeper why my feeling of worry, misery, anger, love, loneliness, etc persists, for instance I need to look for a particular pattern, or habit, or a perceived advantage that persuades me to choose to be miserable. (Actualism, Vineeto, General Correspondence, No. 11a, 27.12.2006)

There is more in ‘Vineeto’s’ reporting about how ‘she’ used the actualism method here if you are interested.

Cheers Vineeto

March 14 2026

SONYA: Thanks Vineeto, I think you’re right. I only seem to go so far as observing the feeling and the reason why it keeps coming back up is because I need to dig deeper. When I think about it, in the past when I’ve tried to there’s been a resistance, almost like a mental block which I can’t seem to get past so I’d kinda poke around it for a little while and then leave it. I probably need to be more persistent and stubborn with myself that I will get to the bottom of it! I’ll have a go at it

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

Ah, I remember the “mental block” from ‘Vineeto’s explorations. You probably found out that there is some kind of a fear causing it. And because it’s a block, you can’t break it with gusto, it would only grow harder. So you gently, like a friend, chip at it, enquire into it, each time a little further, until it reveals what is hiding behind.

As I said, it is a fun game – very sincere and personal – but not serious.

Cheers Vineeto

April 29 2026

KUBA: there she was in all her glory,

SONYA: Oh my, I’ve gone red

JESUSCARLOS: “gone red” is an innocuous and felicitous feeling or something to be investigated?

SONYA: Hi Jesus,

I think the ‘gone red’ was a the initial reaction of oops I’m at work reading this mixed with a realisation that I am being “seen” in that moment like a “naked” feeling but not in either “good” or “bad” way that I can pin point at the moment.

KUBA: The “gone red” in this instance is naiveté knocking at the door, and that is a wonderful thing!

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

It is indeed a “wonderful thing” deserving your unreserved appreciation.

I just read some of Richard’s correspondence which you might enjoy (especially when safely reading at home) and perceive as further encouragement –

Richard: P.S.: Hey, No. 7 ... you can tell your laughing girlfriend that my term is [quote] ‘an enormous vagina’[1], not just a large one, because that is the way in which a wonderfully wanton woman, when safely being the sexual creature she indubitably is, can experience herself in that other dimension, as it were, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls.

Furthermore, if she is laughing joyfully this size distinction quibble matters not all … (Richard, List D, No. 4, 14 December 2009).

[1]
Richard: Now, the way to have intimacy unfold, in all its luscious wonder, is to be aware all the while (with that unique human ability to be conscious of being sentient) that your sexual partner likes being with you so much that they are willing to spend their most valuable asset – their time – not only being with you but having you inside them/having them inside you (dependent upon gender) for this most physically intimate way of associating possible.

In other words one is always aware, with that second-level awareness, all the while primary consciousness is sexually engrossed, just how precious this opportunity is as – out of all 3.0 billion women/ out of all 3.0 billion men (dependent upon gender) – this fellow human being has chosen you, and only you, to be so intimately entwined with. In short: having sex/being intimate with her/with him (dependent upon gender) is very special – so special as to be precious – and this very preciosity readily enables giving oneself completely to one’s partner – totally and utterly – during sexual congress.

All this while the hands, fingers, lips, tongue and eyes can roam all about with much delicious kissing, nibbling, nuzzling, fondling, smelling, listening, tasting, touching, looking and all the rest which such a physical embrace, such physical proximity so exquisitely provides for; the neck below the ear-lobe, for instance, is an especial delight and to eventually indulge in never-ending open-mouthed kissing – at the heights of sexual arousal – is to be breathing each other’s breath in a most personal way of gradually depriving the brain of oxygen as to even further increase both arousal and intimate contact (togetherness, closeness, sweetness, richness, actuality).

(Meanwhile, back at the sex taking care of itself, that hovering indefinitely on the orgastic plateau has catapulted one into what I chose to call a sexual world: another dimension, as it were, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls; a sexual dimension where all you are is an enormous penis/an enormous vagina (dependent upon gender) which has grown legs and feet to walk to food and drink sources to sustain itself/ yourself, and arms and hands to assist in that process, so as to have yet more and more of what it/you is/are here for at this particular moment (endless effortless sexual congress); a rampant sexual dimension where all other people and things have receded into the background; a dripping-with-sex-and-sexuality dimension where there is only this beginningless and endless moment where you both cannot ever possibly have enough of each other; a consummately durationless moment where all there is is you and her/you and him (dependent upon gender) hovering on that endlessly orgastic plateau of supreme sexuality and intimacy).

And then ... !Hey Presto! ... no separation whatsoever. (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 December 2009).

It can only get bester.

Cheers Vineeto

May 2 2026

SONYA: Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for attaching Richard’s correspondence. It’s one of my favourites to read and have visited it quite a few times.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

I am delighted to hear it’s one of your favourites of Richard’s quotes. Sexual congress is the best way to explore intimacy, especially when the interest lies more with intimacy than anything else. But intimacy can be experienced at any time with another human being depending on your willingness be as intimate and sincere as possible and being aware when ‘self’-preservation is about to interrupt/ prevent the intimate being together.

In this (and the follow-up) correspondence Richard talks about possible reasons for one or the other partner to pull back/ shut off –

Respondent: If you will indulge my question: is it possible still to have actual intimacy, even if the partner (man/ woman) is evidently inhibited by self and survival instincts?

Richard: Actual intimacy – no separation (no separative self whatsoever) cannot wax and wane/ come and go/ switch on and off here in this actual world (the world of the senses). Upon an actual freedom from the human condition an actual intimacy is the norm with every body and every thing regardless of whatever their or its current situation and circumstances might be.

(Some peoples have looked at me blankly upon being informed there is an actual intimacy with, say, an ashtray or a polystyrene cup or a pebble or whatever).

In terms of human sexuality, and due to its utter proximity, sexual congress sans identity/ affections is the exquisite experience of two flesh and blood bodies sensuously delighting in being sensually and sexually aroused.

(As there are no identities in actuality I actually interact only with flesh and blood bodies; at times this can be quite disconcerting, to say the least, for any identity feeling itself to be other than illusory).

Because it can take an incredible amount of willpower for a pulled-back or turned-away or closed-off or shut-down identity to override (psychosomatically) its bodily arousal, its body’s natural sexuality, the body’s sensual delight, that exquisite experience can continue until such over-riding succeeds in its quite perverse anti-intimacy aim and arousal diminishes, sexuality declines and sensual delight falls away to nought.

In short: although reciprocity is never needed there is, of course, a preference for sexual enjoyment and appreciation be mutual. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 10 November 2009).

SONYA: It comes at quite a convenient time as I feel I have lost this naiveté lately. Without going too much into detail, I recently had a colposcopy which involved 2 cervical biopsies. There’s a complicated mix of feelings going on at the moment which don’t allow for any kind of sexual intimacy from me.

VINEETO: Mmh, the fact that you had “a colposcopy which involved 2 cervical biopsies” does in itself not need to interfere with naiveté, except when it’s accompanied by worry or similar feelings. It’s often the imagination, what could be wrong or what could happen, which suddenly makes life serious again … until you recognize with confidence and can acknowledge that all worries about future events are a waste of valuable time in which you could enjoy and appreciate life. Once you have definite results and facts from your tests then you can decide on the most sensible action without worry.

Wouldn’t it be the best way to be kind to yourself, to untangle the “complicated mix of feelings”, get back to feeling good, better and even excellent and enjoy the intimacy which is possible at this point? The challenge of feeling good come what may is, whatever the physical/ practical situation, to recognize that it is not worthy as a justification of feeling less than good. You have overcome other challenges to feeling good, why not this one too?

SONYA: It’s nice to read Richard’s correspondence right now.

VINEETO: Here is another quote you might enjoy –

Richard: Anyway, what I am finally succeeding in doing is seducing some of my fellow humans – those who have not lost the plot totally – to come out and play, now, as we are all but a missed heartbeat or two away from physical death each day again. Being retired, with more than sufficient means for the rest of my life, is nowadays to my advantage, of course, yet there is simply no reason at all why gainful employment need be anything other than fun.

For instance, all my best work (back when supporting both a wife and a family) always happened when I was having the most fun; in fact I have some very blurry black and white ‘home movie’ type footage of myself, circa March 1981, which ends with ‘me’ saying: ‘Do your own thing ... but have fun; if you’re not having fun then, hell, stop doing it, something is wrong; if you’re not having fun, if you have to force yourself to go to work, if you’re unhappy, something is wrong’. Within weeks ‘he’ was carted off to a hospital emergency care unit in a catatonic state and ... and here we are today having this illuminating chat about our fancy dreams.

Who else can be enticed to come out and play – to join me here in this actual world – and live life where all is fun yet where everything which needs to be done does get done (albeit playfully) because of those oh-so-vital adult sensibilities?

‘Tis yours for the asking, so to speak, as no one is stopping you but yourself; no time is the right time to make it all happen as the right time only comes about when you have it happen; it is not a case of being ready for it as being ready only occurs when you have it occur; all you get by waiting is more waiting as now is the moment where it all happens; everything which happens only ever happens now.

Actuality is where more than your fancy dreams can come true – much, much more – as life itself, here, is beyond even any of your most absolutely wild fantasies.

This is what is actually better than best. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 14 December 2009).

Best wishes for success in regaining your naiveté.

Cheers Vineeto

May 3 2026

SONYA: Thanks for your reply, it’s valuable to be reminded that intimacy can be experienced at any time with another human being. I am feeling better today.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

It’s good to hear you are feeling better today and also that you are aware that intimacy can be experienced at any time once one chooses to allow it/ have it happen.

Thank you for your detailed descriptive report.

SONYA: I’m terms of the mix of complicated feelings to do with the cervical biopsy, it wasn’t the possibility of the results that was worrying me and bringing up bad feelings. Interestingly, that was what Kuba assumed as well. I’m actually not so worried about the results at all really, it was more the overwhelming feeling of being violated during the colposcopy that has sent my head spinning. My heart dropped when I walked into the room and realised a male doctor would be carrying out my procedure (not that it should really matter). Although logically I know everyone was there to look out for my health and wellbeing and it is in fact a wonderful thing that this care exists. I felt scared and violated through out the whole thing and on the verge of tears, when he stated he needed to take two biopsies the floodgates open and I was in ultimate panic mode. I was scared of the pain and the thought of the thought of the punch cervical biopsy forceps taking chunks of my cervix was very raw and I felt viscerally. My instinctual reaction was that a man was hurting me in my most intimate inner protected part.

When it actually happened the pain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and overall it was a very uncomfortable and painful experience. I know it wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t feel the way I did. I had a conversation with Kuba afterwards and the more I talk about it the more It’s becoming clear that a situation that is actually quite a wonderful thing to be able to have access to, was muddled up by intense instinctual feelings and I’m feeling less and less bad about it as the days go by but there’s definitely still moments of feeling violated which pop up time to time.

VINEETO: I can understand the feeling of “being violated during the colposcopy”. When feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was about 23 years old, she had to have a retina operation where laser beams were used (if my memory is correct about 60 hits per eye) to fix the retina peeling off along its edges. The procedure needed to be done with only local anaesthetic, and for ‘Vineeto’ it was not only scary but intensely felt as an intrusion into one of ‘her’ most private and cherished organs (such as the expression “eyes are the windows to the soul” indicates). Additionally, there was a group of students assembled around the bed for learning purposes, and the doctors themselves, forgetting that I was conscious, didn’t hold back with comments such as “shit I missed” and the like. In all, it was quite an (emotionally felt) depersonalising experience. In hindsight it is rather amusing and I am very pleased and appreciative that the anomaly was discovered and permanently fixed.

Nevertheless, you are probably also aware that it is ‘me’, having arrogated full possession and control of your flesh-and-blood body almost all the time, who is generating those feelings of fear and intrusion. As you afterwards discovered “the pain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be”. The more you become aware of the originally “muddled-up” feelings in hindsight and can see the silliness of having and feeding them, the quicker those “still moments of feeling violated” can be recognized for what they are – you own social conditioning and ‘self’-preservation objecting to a modern, most likely helpful, possibly necessary, medical procedure, despite having agreed to have it happen in the first place.

Such exploration and hindsight will also stand you in good stead for other occasions where you agree to something that needs to be done (whatever it is) and can then explore beforehand whatever objection to it happening or how it should be happening you still have. The more you become aware of which feelings may be lurking in the background, the better you are prepared for situations and interfere less with the appreciation of “actually quite a wonderful thing”.

Cheers Vineeto

May 23 2026

SONYA: So, I’d like to report that after months of head banging on the same wall about a situation at work. I’ve finally just decided to stop the nonsense. I noticed that each time I was getting upset there was a point where I choose to go down this path, backed up by whatever morals or beliefs.

I finally decided to stop when the situation came to a point where it was clear that I had the choice to remain feeling bad or punish the person for having ‘wronged me’, or see the situation as it is and see there is no reason, no point, no advantage to choose to feel bad about this. I gave myself a time limit to choose whichever path to go to as I had to spend a full day travelling to London and attending events with this person the next day. I was given the option not to go but I decided to put my money where my mouth is, choose to go and choose to let go of this feeling bad that I was so bent on keeping alive. I’m glad to say it was easier than I thought and less of a choice, rather a “this makes more sense”, I guess with enough running into the same dead end I actually became sick of feeling this way.

VINEETO: Hi Sonya,

What a great story and a good lesson to yourself that whenever you are holding onto a grudge out of taking offence (righteous indignation) you primarily hurt yourself (by feeling bad), apart from affecting the atmosphere of those around you. In a bigger context it can be an eye-opener how a strong sense of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ is afflicting your interactions and that it “makes more sense” to emotionally accept what maybe intellectually unacceptable. It is particularly delightful that you could see how easy it was to dissolve once you determined that enough is enough – nothing else was needed.

You may find this informative –

Respondent: ... stuff like righteous anger or other person feeling superior and acting cocky and insulting/ castigating/ ignoring me, my point of view opposed, etc., or I feeling superior to the other and doing the same.

Richard: Sure, there is a whole range of reasons for getting angry (which vary according to different situations and circumstances) ... maybe the following will be of assistance in regards righteous anger (aka indignation):

• [Richard]: ‘One of the major issues the identity inhabiting this flesh and blood body all those years ago attended to very early in the piece was the indignation – ‘anger excited by a sense of wrong, or by injustice, wickedness, or misconduct; righteous anger’ (Oxford Dictionary) – which had dogged him from almost as early as ‘he’ could remember (‘he’ was often moved to indignancy because of injustice/ unfairness whilst still in grade school for instance) as righteousness, being oh-so-readily justifiable, is such an insidious feeling’. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 79, 9 February 2005).

• [Richard]: ‘... one of the most persistent forms of anger is indignation (or righteous anger/ justifiable anger): it can be eradicated rather simply by the realisation that its raison d’être – a guardian against injustice, unjustness, unfairness, inequality (partiality, discrimination, and so on) – is as much a human invention as those concepts it defends ... justice, justness, fairness, equality (impartiality, indiscrimination, and so on).

I have touched upon this elsewhere: (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 66, 27 April 2005).

• [Richard]: ‘There is no ‘chaos’ and ‘order’ as a ‘sub-stratum of the universe’ ... they are but human inventions and do not exist in actuality. The same applies to fairness/ unfairness, justice/ injustice and any other human concepts that, whilst being useful for human-to-human interaction, are futility in action when applied to the universe. Male logic is as useless as female intuition when it comes to being free: the everyday reality of the ‘real-world’ is a veneer ‘I’ paste over the top of the pristine actual world by ‘my’ very being ... and ‘being’ is the savage/ tender instinctual passions (giving rise to feelings of malice/ love and sorrow/ compassion etc., with the resultant concepts of bad/ good and evil/ god and so on) which cripples intelligence by invariably producing dualistic concepts. ‘Tis all a fantasy ... feelings rule in the human world’. (Richard, List B, No. 33c, 3 August 2000).

Put simply: nature is neither fair nor just – a volcanic eruption (for just one instance) does not discriminate between who or what it obliterates/ destroys – and thus coupled with the basic resentment at having to be alive in the first place is the further grievance that life is inequitable/ iniquitous. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 76, 16 June 2005).

SONYA: We ended up having a lovely day in London and we are back at work with nicer vibes in the office. From the outside it looks like I’ve ‘forgiven’ but it’s more like I would much rather spend my time being happy and harmless as much as I can whilst I’m alive rather than waste it feeling bad or making someone else feel bad. Just being reminded that we are all living life for the first/ only time and what a waste it is to remain feeling bad. It kind of put into perspective that feeling bad does nothing ‘good’ at all.

VINEETO: Ha, you are so right, “feeling bad does nothing ‘good’ at all”. And the outcome of you deciding to be sensible (at last, after much suffering) was having had “a lovely day” and “nicer vibes in the office”. Instant confirmation that you made a thoroughly sensible decision.

It’s fortunate you haven’t used forgiveness to resolve the situation. You may have read the audio-taped dialogue how “Compassion Gained Through Forgiveness Binds” –

R: (…)

Q(1): Well, that’s what you do: you love them through forgiveness.

Q(2): And for me, forgiving means I’m finishing with that hate ... and the opposite of it.

Q(1): You’re finished with love?

Q(2): Hate and forgiveness is the same thing ... the opposite of hate ... with a parent it is forgiving them and having compassion. And to do both – first you emphasise the hate, then you emphasise the forgiveness. And for me that was a complete way of getting rid of both. Getting rid of the relationship to the parent – they’re not ‘The Parents’ any more. I’m not a ‘Child’ of my parents. I’m a free human being and I can actually decide what to do with my life and I’m not ... I can see this and this and this is a conditioning I got from them – and they didn’t know better – so I don’t need to hate them for it and I don’t need to forgive them for it ...

R: Good. For if you do forgive you are still trapped because forgiveness gives rise to ...

Q(2): No. Forgiveness is just there to balance the hate – because when you end up with just hating them you’re still trapped from the relationship.

R: Of course – trapped by hate. But the people who forgive have compassion. It is inevitable. Then one is trapped by the very compassion that seeks to cure the hate. There is still a relationship because compassion is but an antidote won through the act of forgiveness.

Q(2): For me it’s a completion. For me it eliminates the hate and the forgiveness. For if there is no hate, where is there forgiveness anymore? There is just an understanding that they live their life and I live my life.

R: Well, that is excellent then. Look at the parent’s situation and see that it is not their fault that they are as they are for they are the result of their parent’s conditioning and so on back into the mists of time. Everybody is a victim.

Q(2): It took me some time to integrate it – I had to do the group eight times!

R: Do you know of anyone else who has come to this understanding of absolutely no need for forgiveness of their parents? You are the first person I have met who has done this course who has said there is no need for forgiveness.

Q(2): I don’t know ... I would have to ask. I know there is no forgiveness because I’ve just visited my parents and there is nothing there.

R: Mmm ... because most people get trapped in the forgiveness – and the compassion which is the inevitable outcome. Therefore there is still a relationship, there is still a link, a connection. It is a heart connection. With this connection they still remain ‘parents’. They do not become what they actually are, which is fellow human beings.

Q(2): Well, if they were totally ‘fellow human beings’ for me, then I wouldn’t have gone to visit them. So there is still something there that I ...

R: So what is this connection?

Q(2): I don’t know ... well they spent twenty years bringing me up ... and ... and now they are in their seventies ...

R: Is there a loyalty? (Richard, Audio-taped dialogues, The Compassion Gained Through Forgiveness Binds)

SONYA: Hopefully it won’t take months next time.

VINEETO: The way to avoid wasting more time this way by feeling bad is to learn not to take offence in the first place. It takes a bit of affective awareness working out what belief or principle or attitude it is causing you to take umbrage at what someone says or does, and then recognize that each of those beliefs/ principles is not worth sacrificing feeling good, no matter how just or virtuous they are. Besides, the only person you can, and need to change is yourself.

Cheers Vineeto