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(List D refers to Richard’s List D
Vineeto’s Correspondence with Claudiu Discuss Actualism Forum
Dear Claudiu, Richard died 17.55 pm (officially, i.e. medically examined 18.10 pm), today, 6. June 2024 in Lismore Base Hospital, Intensive Care Unit. Official cause of death septicaemia from double pneumonia but additionally he also had an inflamed heart resulting in very low blood pressure, bleeding of the gastric/intestinal system and extreme weight-loss due to all those other conditions. Too many things to fight at once, even with modern medicine. It was actually amazing how long he held out with all of this going on, partly unbeknownst to him or me until he got to hospital. He will be greatly missed, here and around the world. Regards Vineeto
Dear Claudiu, It seems as if since then, floodgates of immense appreciation both in Richard and me have opened up, such deep and moving appreciation for the perfection all around, for instance every tiny detail in nature, so perfect, so precise as well as the vastness of perfection when you contemplate the universe beyond our own planet. He expressed his appreciation for me and what I did to help him in similar ways and called me, in normal human beings' terms "the love of his life". We were still looking for an appropriate actual freedom term for this – perhaps "the most exquisite inti-mate of his life" ? Additionally, the wonderfulness of kindness in people, so many people I come into contact now, moves me to tears – human nature has such great potential to be naïve and kind and nearly-innocent. And Richard thanked each and everyone who helped him once the hospital began, from the professional female paramedics to the three fire-fighters who organized carrying him off the boat into the ambulance, then to each doctor and nurse in Ballina hospital and each staff member and doctor in Lismore ICU. […] *Be* Richard, be the experience of the purity of the universe – experience it in the Four
Affect-Free States of Matter *
[…] When I contemplate right now pure intent to determine the quality of my experience of it, it is a very powerful all-permeating, oft-times overwhelming (until I get used to it I guess) purity of everything I see and everything that is, accompanied by a deep appreciation of it being so. […] I could see [...] how [Richard] quickly became only half-conscious and stayed like that to the point when he stopped breathing at 6 pm. Then I was more overwhelmed by the perception of kindness and care of each person in the ICU, how they deeply cared about each person in their unit, their kindness and concern towards me as well [...] On the 30 min taxi-drive home, again with a very sympathetic and kind driver, Indian by birth, I slowly could identify that when overwhelmed-ness set in it was in response to his kindness [...] Thinking it through a bit more, with
a cigarette and coffee out in the sun, I remember that Richard had several occurrences, before I became fully free,
when he was so overwhelmed by the immensity of this infinite and eternal universe, not
as a thought but the actual puissance – the puissance, power, energy Now I am thinking that when he died it is no longer shared physically, I am the only one experiencing it and this experience is overwhelming. [...] The other thing I remembered that during the time shortly before and I think also shortly after becoming fully actual free I experienced for a few weeks a jerking of too much energy when lying by his side [...] After those few weeks I became used to the 'voltage' and the jerking no longer happened. I am convinced that becoming fully
free involves an up-levelling of received electrical energy (the physical body is running on bio-electrical energy,
after all, from heart beat to brain activity, sometimes called 'action potential' What I mainly noticed is the immense
increase, and permanency, in appreciation of everything, and Richard, before his death, expressed this immense
appreciation several times, to you, then to me as described above, then commenting on the perfection of it all from
the tiniest detail to the vastness of the universe. Note that his last article is about "Marvelling At
How Well-Equipped Human Beings Are" […] I don't know what will happen. It looks like I will stay here on the houseboat, organize a few more improvements that Richard had planned and let life live me. I am curious myself how this increased puissance is going to work out in detail. With great appreciation,
CLAUDIU: Today was an odd day – the level of appreciation and purity I experienced has been less than other days and my experience has been at times more like how ‘I’ would normally be. However this came with the sincerity of seeing that ‘I’ really do have to actually give ‘myself’ up for this to happen. Ceasing to be me is exactly what self-immolation is. As I write this now I can say I have no doubts that this is sincerely what I want to do. VINEETO: I can understand that the level of appreciation and purity waxes and wanes, as
if ‘you’ want to return to the default position of feeling neutral as described in Richard’s copied article
from Sonja Lyubomirsky The only way to counteract this falling back will be if you make the deliberate decision, when feeling excellent and experiencing pure intent comes along, to commit to living out-from-under-control from then onwards. When ‘Vineeto’ got out-from-under-control after many ‘ums and ahs’ it was delicious but a few days later ‘she’ fell out of it and accepted this as a matter of course. But Richard didn’t. When ‘she’ told him about it, he said jokingly something to the effect of “stand in the corner until you are back into out-from-under-control”! So post-haste ‘Vineeto’ invited Peter into the bedroom and after some delicious intimacy soon was back where ‘she’ had been, and then was more watchful and determined to in fact stay out-from-under-control. It worked. It does need your active and decisive input – until an actual freedom happens, then you can’t fall back. CLAUDIU: Soon after, Vineeto published the Excerpts of All-pervading Sweetness As I wrote on that post:
VINEETO: I just re-read your entry on the Discuss Actualism Forum answering your own
question In deep wonder about the magicality of the working of the actual world. CLAUDIU: Yes! After I wrote it I went on a plane (travelling to Romania) and it became clear that the key is to go absolutely all out, put all efforts into doing this / allowing it to happen — which is done not by ‘pushing’ but by allowing that ambrosial sweetness !! The mistake I made that got me to normal was in thinking I have to not put effort into it at all but “let it happen” — however such a backseat approach doesn’t deliver the goods. The latter part of the plane ride I experienced a heightened magical sweetness that was more than at any other point in my life. I recognize it is of the same exact quality as I saw in your and Richard’s living room many years ago, but much more stable now as I didn’t pull back so quickly this time. I take your last email under good advisement though, committing to that level of active engagement is a sensible next step rather than trying to self immolate and then letting my efforts falter when not immediately successful. VINEETO: Indeed, pushing indicates that you expect resistance whereas allowing it to happen is the growing confidence that there might not be any resistance left … It’s fascinating to read that your “heightened magical sweetness” as of the “same exact quality” that you saw in Richard’s and my living room many years ago, I don’t remember that you mentioned that sweetness when you were visiting. It seems like you have a firm handle on your destiny and how to go about it. I am well pleased, utterly delighted in fact. * VINEETO: I will also comment on the question you sent to the forum last night (my time), perhaps you find it useful.
VINEETO: Ha, I remember well when that happened the first time, at Richard’s kitchen table :)). You have been fatally attracted for a long time. I think my first paragraph goes some way to answer that question – taking it step by step will be helpful, notching it up a gear (out-from-control) rather than taking the full jump approach. I just revisited Richard’s correspondence with on the difference between an EE and being out-from-control from August 15 2016 – in other words -
CLAUDIU: I pull back every time — I suppose that’s the nature of it, every time but the last time one will pull back. What is needed to proceed though? VINEETO: Each time this pulling back happens, take note what the objection/fear is this time, it may be a different one each time. “Pushing” will not help and only gets ‘your’ heckles up – you can be very gentle and simply be pulled forward by the experienced “fine and ambrosial appreciation” and overarching benignity of the universe. Become more and more friends with ‘me’ in that ‘I’ agree on more and more points that ‘I’ am indeed redundant to the stage where ‘I’ joyously acquiesce to lay down ‘my’ burden (it is indeed experienced as a burden) and fulfil ‘my’ deep-down yearning to finally go into oblivion. When there is no objection left there is only joyous anticipation and no fear at all. All my blessings for your daring and adventurous endeavour to reach your destiny. Such a wonderful and pregnant time. Vineeto
CLAUDIU: Earlier today another oddity occurred that I think was the same oddity that knocked me out of it last time. I was also half-dozing off and it’s like a weird blip after which it seemed like ‘something in the center’ was gone, but it was the same as before, clearly not actually free, and it seemed to affect the out-from-controlness somewhat. I’ve come up with a tentative conclusion: that it is a “fruition” as I used to experience in my meditative days. There was some brief after-effect that seemed like a sense of euphoria or jubilation, which happened in both cases, and I remember happening after “fruitions” in the past. This serves as yet further evidence that meditative/spiritual paths are not only unhelpful for pursuing actual freedom but actively detrimental. This time around I used a conscious willpower to not fall out of the out-from-controlness this time around,
and I am happy to say I did not! VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, I am delighted to read that your meticulous and successful extraction from the Buddhistic Dharma-Overground practice has had such
beneficial results, just at the moment when the beginning of an altered state of consciousness
(“fruition”) was about to veer you off from the ongoing actualism process (being out-from-control).
VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, CLAUDIU: For me realizing this I hit a bit of a
speed bump. It was two nights ago. As I wrote in #187 Faced with this as the obvious next step, I hit upon a distinct patch of hesitation and "well hold on a sec". This is something that I will actually have to do, which will mean the actual end of me – no longer a theoretical step at some point in the future, but something that actually will happen, or rather has to happen for me to attain my destiny. So the wondrous scintillation has dimmed since then, although out-from-control is still what I am. And I very distinctly do not want to fall out of this different-way-of-being. In other words, I firmly am not going back to normal. So it is a matter of staying where I am, in a sense, and actually checking out this latest objection. Very interestingly, when this would happen in the past I would experience it as being ‘stuck’. But I do not experience it as stuckness at all right now. It is just the next thing that is happening, and my experiencing still has that dynamic nature to it. Yesterday I spent a good amount of time on X (formerly Twitter) which is a sure-fire way to be exposed to horrible and terrible things happening in the world. I am particularly bothered by the egregious and >wilfully dishonest clipping of and taking quotes out of context to paint people as saying something very obviously different than what they are saying if one watches it in context. I put a lot of time and effort into trying to correct people, add the context, post a Community Note about it. The results were dismal – people that already saw it, saw it, and every person that engaged with me pushing back and maintaining the dishonesty, none of them change their opinions about it at all, even when presented with the clear, unmistakable facts. And so I came to see that what I was doing was trying to exert control over the world, to change other people to see what the facts are. And I saw it really just simply does not work at all. It reaffirmed that I actually don’t have control over this – meaning that my attempts to exert control in this manner, were a waste of energy. It made it starkly clear that this is not an alternative to actual freedom. Going out and spending energy essentially being an activist – it just doesn’t work. It is a tiny drop in the bucket, one feeling-beings contribution to a site with hundreds of millions of feeling-beings all fervently participating on it. Even if I had millions of followers – there are posters who do have millions of followers, and their replies are filled by people that vehemently disagree with them. One simply cannot control other people, it doesn’t work. It seems to mostly be out of my system now as
I redirect my energy back to going further towards actuality. This is clearly the best way to actually make an impact on
the world – by being that, and writing from that place, and then what I write may attract people which may
go viral (perhaps), but that part is not up to me, all I can do is put it out into the world – and very obviously, the
most impactful way to spend that energy is firstly to become free myself, and secondly to put that energy into the
current active participants here, to help in whatever way that might help (which will be greatly aided by the
most-impactful thing). This was a very observant experiment -- “it is impossible to combat the wisdom of the real world”. (Article 21: ‘It Is Impossible To Combat The Wisdom Of The Real World’; ‘Richard’s Journal’; ©1997 The Actual Freedom Trust). It is a great insight to aid you in leaving humanity itself.
Here is a fitting cartoon for you ;-)
Cheers Vineeto
Hi Kuba, hi Claudiu, hi everyone, In the last week I have been busy reformatting and publishing Dona’s and Alan’s (dead-link) [https://actualfreedom.net/australia-questions/]
web-page on the AFT website
at
One of the major topics of this three-week event of answers to questions from forum members in 2017 was that there are *no conditions to
become actually free*. “Richard said there is *no connection at all* between feeling good each moment again and actual freedom. You can become actually free right now. But … In the meantime, while you’re living your life not actually free, why not feel good? As he says, this is your only moment of being alive, why waste it feeling bad?” For instance – 09 Nov 2017 Geoffrey: There is something I’ve been thinking about since:
(my remark: same as a PCE… you are either in a PCE or you are not)
I remember making a remark on Slack that ‘allowing it to happen’ we usually used in reference to having PCEs, not self-immolation. And that it was a nice ‘parallel’ between the identity going in abeyance, and in oblivion. But I was wondering if there was more to this than just a ‘parallel’.
… and there go my many ‘attempts’ lol, including yesterday’s one (when I was “contemplating on altruism”) – which interestingly ended in a PCE. This has happened lately, that when ‘trying’ to self-immolate I don’t end up in ASCs anymore, but in PCEs. This is the case since I’ve stopped ‘forcing it’, but instead trying to ‘allow it to happen’.
So the same thing that causes a PCE could result in self-immolation instead, if one is ready/has
fully committed to becoming actually free.
Then Self- immolation is a ‘spontaneous’ occurrence – when one is ready/fully committed. 1. Is all the above correct? Dona: you posted Alan saying, “there is no trying” to self-immolate... And that there are no ‘rules’ and no conditions for self-immolation to happen. So, that same answer still applies to all your questions above. Geoffrey: 4. If so I have to ask once more the question you must be tired to hear: how do I get ready? Dona: again, there are no conditions, you are ready when
you are ready. Then in the meantime... (Lol... You know the answer...) ... Yep, the actualism method. Though Richard and Vineeto understand that you want a “formula” (Dona sidenote: so do I!) ... There is none. Everyone is different and has their own way. There are things that Vineeto suggested that she did ... But ... they are NOT to be considered
“conditions”. Richard added: “there’s nothing you can do to become actually free, and there’s nothing you can’t do”. Alan: Much the same as Dona has written. The main thing I got (again!) from our conversation is that there is no particular route to be followed. Your second and third questions are setting conditions. There are none! The experience (what they have ‘done’) of each person who has become actually free so far has been different. Vineeto said her experience was giving ‘herself’ permission to allow it to happen – but others did not experience that. Become interested, vitally interested (until it becomes a fascination) in ‘you’ and how ‘you’ operate. Discover what objections there are to becoming actually free. In the meantime commit to feeling good each moment again for the rest of your life and enjoy and appreciate this only moment of being alive – there is no difference between the ends and the means.
* As we all know, Geoffrey succeeded in becoming actually free 10 months later and thus made good on his promise at the end of the question-answer-event – 13 Nov 2017 Geoffrey: No more questions for me. Dona: Richard and Vineeto
appreciated hearing this, with big smiles.
CLAUDIU: Something to share from my own experience here. I was realizing a key difference between how I am now vs how I was before going out-from-control: it’s no longer a “whether” I will self-immolate, but a “how will I do it? What’s the next step?” In other words the decision has already been made, and doesn’t keep needing to be made over and over. Now it’s just a matter of it coming to a culmination. Fun times indeed! VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, I enjoyed reading your post “it’s no longer a “whether” I will self-immolate, but a “how will I do it?” At this point even the “how will I do it?” is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’. There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen. (Do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?) The relevant question at this point is “when” and the answer is easy - there is always only this moment. Enjoy. Cheers Vineeto
CLAUDIU: Then I wonder what the next objection is and I have trouble finding one – or in other words like there isn’t really one. Although there must be something else it would have happened? Might be more about finding additional reasons and/or motivation to take the final step. A huge one
was identifying the pattern I have to withdraw and go into a complete “not caring“ anymore, just turning away
from a situation or a problem. I saw in a flash just how deeply depraved that actually is, and how I don’t want to do
that anymore in my life – and it appears to have disappeared entirely! VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, This is a significant pattern to have identified and it’s a very common reaction (strongly conditioned and upheld by society as well) mainly for males and a lot of females too. And it is not easy to talk about it because when you withdraw, you naturally don’t communicate. The “not caring“ is of course only a defensive front because if in such a situation you really didn’t care you would not have to withdraw from feeling hurt. It is indeed “depraved“ not in its moral meaning (bad, sordid or wicked), but in the sense of “depraving you“ from being able to resolve the problem and not get triggered again in a similar situation. It is also “depraving you“ from experiencing intimacy with your fellow human beings each time it comes into play. So it is really wonderful that you say “it appears to have disappeared entirely“ – just be attentive if/when a habitual reoccurrence wants to manifest. CLAUDIU: Also for the longest time there was a little actualist voice in my head (that was ‘me’ of course) telling me that I should proceed, coaxing me along, imploring me, giving the feeling or appearance of this being an ‘important’ (as in ‘serious’) thing, essentially making a drama out of it – and now I see that that’s silly, totally unnecessary. Maybe it helped in the past but it just doesn’t seem to be a useful thing anymore! […] And yet even though it is not ‘important’ as in ‘serious’ – and there is no feeling or ‘rush’ to do it in a real-world time-pressure sense – it is clear it is important as in having a large and meaningful impact on this body, the bodies of those closest to me, and the world at large. And I was about to write that the sooner it happens the better, but even this does not seem to convey it exactly, is there really a “sooner“ as opposed to a “later“? It is always just now anyway, after all… VINEETO: It is amazing how often the cunningness of the identity is in operation – here ‘you’, the identity, is masquerading as an “actualist voice“ urging you on, whilst the very fact that there is an identity urging you, veils or distracts of even puts you off from what you actually want to bring about! The aim of ‘me’ is to literally create a diversion and drain the energy of going forward by putting you in conflict with your own aim. And then, as a result of not enjoying the conflict created by this “actualist voice“ you give in and ask if “there really a “sooner” as opposed to a “later”? And that “It is always just now anyway, after all…“ This is a copout, a semantic trick, to stifle your intent to become free now, and if not now then at the next opportunity to present itself. Only a four days ago you wrote –
CLAUDIU: Yes I thought the same after reading it! VINEETO: ‘Vineeto’ called these occurrences ‘furphy’ [(Austral. Slang): a false report or rumour; an absurd story] each time ‘she’ successfully exposed one of those cunning diversions. It became a fascinating game for ‘her’ to discover them as quickly as possible. You may need to arm yourself with fascinated attention, charged up with pure intent, to unveil, decode, disarm and unmask all these ‘little’ diversions and furphies created by a very cunning ‘self’-preserving identity, presented in a last-ditch effort to prevent you from reaching your destiny. CLAUDIU to Felix: Oo is it that we have another joiner of the
out-from-control club? VINEETO: Just for the record - being out-from-control is not a stable
condition but a transitory stage of a more or less ongoing excellence experience in the process of becoming free. As
such it is not a “club” to leisurely hang out in forever. Look, here is the history of virtual freedom so far –
Richard had to inadvertently veer off into
Spiritual Enlightenment after about six months of “dynamic virtual freedom” Here is how ‘Vineeto’ described this period in the Direct Route – “I experienced an ever-increasing pull to move forward into what I clearly and unambiguously recognized as my destiny – an irrevocable freedom from the human condition. It set in motion a process that was to undo all of my remaining bonds to humanity, my residue of inhibitions, my last hesitations and any and all lingering doubts. Having finally arrived at being out-from-control, living the ‘beer’ rather then being the ‘doer’, filled me with a previously unknown confidence and certainty that ‘my’ redemption was indeed nigh. To step out from control was a step deliberately taken, after sufficient clearing of the ground, so to speak, and after sufficiently ascertaining that what I wanted was indeed what I was aiming for (the genuine article of an actual freedom). Taking that step ‘I’ then willingly and with intent gave myself permission to allow the universe to pull me forward ever more strongly into the hitherto entirely unknown territory that lay between me and the ultimate goal. […] The other observation from this period of being out-from-control […] I remember clearly one day sitting in a circle of 5 friends, utterly relaxed despite the fact that I had never met one of them in person, and I noticed that I had no personal agenda whatsoever, no plan to stir the conversation into a particular direction, nothing to emphasize or hide, no self-centredness or favouritism, no shame, shyness, embarrassment, no power or drive – I was just being myself as I was. I sat in this group, as one of many, and my sole interest was that everyone present (including me as one of those present) enjoyed themselves/ obtained the maximum benefit from our meeting. I experienced myself as being unreservedly at ease and utterly benign and wasn’t driven to say anything unless it contributed to the overall quality of the conversation.” (i.e. no ‘self’-centredness whatsoever). […] “During the period of being out-from-control the identity (being the ‘beer’
as opposed to being the in-control ‘doer’) gallops ahead closer and closer to her/his destiny.” Just to emphasize – it’s not a membership-club, it’s more like being a fast-running tide carrying you inevitably towards your ultimate destiny. Cheers Vineeto
Hi Kuba, Hi Claudiu, Regarding our recent discussion about agency
Comes a bit of a shock, doesn’t it, that in actuality there is neither “determinism” nor “free will” but instead “this freed will, called intelligence.” Cheers Vineeto
CLAUDIU: The answer that actually works is
always the same: pure intent will ensure the best resolution, by actually solving the emotional issue and also allowing
the best outcome that could happen to eventuate. VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, Sounds exactly what my parents would say, probably most parents. And sometimes they are right but they did not know about pure intent. CLAUDIU: Another thought today came up regarding how can a
rotten-to-the-core thing such as me the feeling-being, have something so good happen to them as to attain one’s
destiny. A lifetime of perennial enjoyment and appreciation, seems an unjust reward for something so rotten. VINEETO: The reward ‘you’ get will be blessed oblivion, a yearning that ‘Vineeto’ found to become stronger the closer ‘she’ felt to ‘her’ goal. Once ‘I’ knew the alternative, from my PCEs, ‘my’ existence was more and more exposed to be a burden, burdened with covering up to be a fraud and guilty for existing in the first place (apart from having a great time though). But the yearning for oblivion came from a deep-down feeling more to the fore. It is not that you then “no longer have any burden” but you will no longer be a burden because ‘you’ are the burden. Watch out for these subtle dissociations, they are designed to keep ‘you’ in existence. Just thought I mention it. When ‘you’ with all your being desire oblivion because you realize that you are the very burden that is throwing the spanner in the works, then ‘you’ can joyously agree to ‘your’ ending. Only ‘you’ can do it. Cheers Vineeto
CLAUDIU: And I was about to write that the sooner it happens the better, but even this does not seem to convey it exactly, is there really a “sooner” as opposed to a “later”? It is always just now anyway, after all… VINEETO: This is a copout, a semantic trick, to stifle your intent to become free now, and if not now then at the next opportunity to present itself. CLAUDIU: I can see how what I wrote might read like I was saying it doesn’t matter if I become free now, in 5 minutes, tomorrow or next year with the semantic trick that “It is always just now anyway”. That is of course false – although time is still, things do happen and this organism is alive and its life-span is finite. And with that in mind yes, of course, the sooner the better! But I was writing it more like – ok the “later” might be something like, say, a year from now. That is too far ‘into the future’ – one might say better to do it “sooner”, like, say, tomorrow. But putting it off until ‘tomorrow’ is the same as putting it off until
next year – it’s not ‘tomorrow’ now, and in fact it will never be ‘tomorrow’ since when tomorrow comes it
will actually be today still. VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, I perfectly understand what you are saying, and don’t I know it from my own process. (12 years!!) I also know whenever Richard said it or wrote on the mailing list that “in the end there is only procrastination”, ‘Vineeto’ cringed. It was so undeniable, and yet ‘she’ didn’t know how to stop procrastinating. The reason I wrote the above sentence “this is a copout” is because it may be
beneficial to recognize and acknowledge the fact, even though seeing it may be cringe-worthy because eventually, as
Richard says “in the freedom of seeing the fact there is only action.” There may be still a way to go from clearly seeing the fact and the appropriate action but one can nevertheless bring the final event forward by exposing oneself to the fact that (as a very natural tendency) all an identity can do in the end is to procrastinate. I remember a little story, which happened in early 2000 – ‘Vineeto’ had had three ‘washing-machine-days’ of unabating emotional upheaval and was at ‘her’ wits end. ‘She’ asked for an audience with Richard and sitting in his living room, again broke out in tears of desperation (and of course I don’t remember the cause at all). After some time had passed, Richard asked, “do you think you would like to be like this for the rest of your life?” This question was like a magic bullet, it instantly brought ‘Vineeto’ to her senses, literally! No way would ‘she’ want to be like this for the rest of her life, not even for the next 5 minutes! The tears stopped and, although exhausted from so much emotion, ‘she’ felt excellent right away. This story is not really about procrastination, but it is about seeing things in perspective. Nothing, but nothing, is important enough to put off one’s final destiny, it’s rather a matter which is the right question to bring one to one’s senses or ‘to cut through the red tape’. And in the meantime, nothing is important enough to put one off from enjoying and appreciating being here. Seen in such overall perspective one’s priorities become very clear and obvious. As Richard said – ain’t life grand. Cheers Vineeto
CLAUDIU: Hi Vineeto, Just wanted to say I found the following of what you’ve written recently very relevant and apt (emphases added): VINEETO:
CLAUDIU: I can relate to these feelings of cringing, recognizing I am rotten, appalled that I am still holding on to my existence, feeling guilty of it as well – it is nice to see ‘Vineeto’ experienced these same things and I can very much see how these feelings all point to me being a burden which it is in my self-interest (as a feeling-being) to no longer be… in other words aligning myself with the goal of self-immolation What is undeniably clear, and has been constantly clear since going out-from-control, is that I won’t stop until I have a life that is perfectly clean, clear, and pristine… and thus these feelings of guilt and fraud are incompatible with that goal… and the answer of course isn’t to cover up the feelings or hide from them, but rather acknowledge what they are pointing at – that I *am* a burden and a fraud and it would be better if I didn’t exist – and then do whatever I can to make that happen. 
VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, I am utterly delighted that you can relate to ‘Vineeto’s’ story and draw the obvious conclusion. The very energy of all your feelings which arise can be used as a driving force towards your ultimate goal. None need to be hidden or pushed away, they all now provide energy for moving towards your final destiny. And every time there is more joyous appreciation as a result, and increasing confidence, that your demise *is* going to happen. As I said before, it’s a fast-running tide carrying you forwards. That’s when the process becomes unstoppable. It’s a grand adventure. Cheers Vineeto
CLAUDIU: Little update from me: today I have been reflecting on the fact that I can never be perfect. It is not possible for me, a feeling-being, to be perfect. I thought to look at closing off any options that are not self-immolating. And in this context, it is really relevant to see that I can never be perfect. Because what I want is for life to be clean, clear, pure, perfect, and pristine – yet I as a feeling-being can never be that way. So it is not possible to have what I want if I remain. It also means that I can stop trying to be perfect – and this was felt as such a relief, to no longer have to try to do something that is impossible! Everything seems to flow from here – from seeing I am not and can never be perfect. Or to use
other actualist lingo – that I am rotten to the core. Because also now that I know and accept that (and it has been
fruitful to re-iterate, contemplate, really turn this about and feel it and accept it at the deepest levels of my being,
which is still ongoing, for this to sink in) – I don’t have to defend myself anymore! There’s nothing to defend,
because I already know I am rotten. If somebody does something that shows or ‘proves’ I am not perfect – yes, of
course, I already knew that. VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, What a perfect insight! And what a relief to be able to let that sink in! It takes out all the stress of proving ‘yourself’, defending ‘yourself’ and hiding from ‘yourself’ and others. It also takes away a mountain of tasks you may have lined up for yourself to do first in order to be ‘worthy’ or be ‘ready’ for self-immolation. Plus, you will find that one of the biggest fears of ‘me’ – to be exposed as being a traitor to humanity – will have lost its sting. This will allow the desire for oblivion from the depth of your ‘being’ to come to the surface and serve as your ally of self-immolation. I am again reminded of Richard’s repeated statement during Dona’s and Alan’s visit – “there are no conditions for becoming actually free”⁽*⁾, ‘you’ can do it anytime, and when it happens it will be now. Your understanding that ‘you’ can never be perfect, has pulled the rug out from ‘you’ creating more conditions before the final event can happen.
CLAUDIU: It seems like so much of human interpersonal conflict just stems from people trying to pretend they are perfect or ultimately infallible in some cosmic way. So that’s been delicious to contemplate. Onwards!! VINEETO: This is indeed an insight with wide-ranging consequences. Not only are ‘you’ no longer needed for things to run smoothly but literally everything ‘you’ do will interfere with perfection and purity. This is not only delicious, it is dynamite! Viz:
Cheers Vineeto
CLAUDIU: It also increasingly strikes me that many things are actual that I did not think were actual before. I had some sort of thought that only the physical is actual, and the mental, or mental processes happening, is somehow "less actual" than physical things. This is silly seeing that consciousness is obviously actual (obviously in a PCE). But it also struck me that, for example, a state of being focused is also actual (or at least has an actual component underlying it, if not in a PCE (in a similar way that even being conscious as a feeling being is only possible because of the actual basis of an actual flesh and blood body being alive)). The mind being focused on a task is different than the mind not being focused on a task, these are actual differences and both actually exist. And in a similar way, for example a context at work also is actual. There are actual other people, actual memories and information stored in their actual brain cells, that get activated appropriately in response to various things, all of which contribute towards a common goal. These things are all actually happening, and are tangible, in a way that I am thinking is fundamentally similar to an object physically existing. Albeit perhaps a bit different – a whirlpool of water is an actually-existing thing, even though it is really just the process of the actual water swirling around that forms the whirlpool. But a whirlpool is different than water that is still. So even though ‘me’ as an employee or ‘my boss’ as a ‘boss’ or ‘the company’ as an
‘entity’ that ‘I’ work for are not actual (those are all part of the real world), there is an actuality of the
association of these various flesh and blood bodies actually working together that is actual. VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, It sounds really wonderful. I would like to add a notion of caution for everyone for the sake of clarity. The question is not what is actual but if what one is *experiencing* is actuality. Actuality can only be experienced in a PCE or when actually free. An identity will *always* only experience the identity’s ‘inner world’ and ‘outer world’. Here Richard makes a clear distinction between an excellence experience and a PCE –
CLAUDIU: All delightful and fascinating to contemplate! The first part is the crucial part though – the point of being conscious is to enjoy being conscious. I experience myself as getting ever-closer to actually self-immolating. It is very different now, it’s no longer about
rushing, or cajoling myself into doing it, or feeling like I ought to do it. It’s more like a wonderful and almost
overwhelming aspect of being alive is accessible that is like a flowering wondrousness or magicality that is
all-absorbing and fascinating in its imminent and immanent significance. It really is rather hard to put into words! VINEETO: And here you say “like a flowering wondrousness or magicality” – ha, you may well be vacillating between “two worlds”? How marvellous, how mirificent! I am reminded of Peter’s description of becoming actually free –
Cheers Vineeto
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