August 05, 2024, 11:13 PM BST

kuba: Those themes might be intrinsically tied to ‘your’ survival but they have no bearing on actual danger/safety, in fact those very mechanisms actively prevent human beings from living in safety and prosperity.

Have you considered that those ‘dangers’ which ‘you’ intuit are not actual, that is to say they have nothing to do with facts?

And further that those very mechanisms which appear to offer ‘safety’ are actually responsible for the wars, murders, suicides, depression etc?

This only clicked today for me, as a result of a situation which by all ‘normal’ means could be labelled as serious. And yet it came to be seen that those ‘safety’ mechanisms are actually hurting me and my fellow human beings by all measures. Meaning that not only do they inflict suffering but also they get in the way of sensibly and intelligently dealing with the actual situation at hand.

All in all as Geoffrey wrote, the known is the unsafe, ‘I’ am the unsafe.

Kuba, DAO: Felipe’s reflections & heuristics, 5 August 2024

August 08, 2024, 10:19 AM BST

kuba: So reading Felix’s recent post – specifically the below:

kuba: This made me consider how I experience myself lately, something that I have noticed the past week or so is that I do not have the capacity to become sharp or severe anymore, and this has been pressure tested by various circumstances.

But the fascinating thing is how solid this change has been, as in there has not been a single instance in the past week or so when I have become sharp, severe or otherwise fell into a mood. As Claudiu wrote there are times when a powerful affective current (which is ‘me’) can be raging through and yet somehow it is crippled – it doesn’t have the capacity to morph into a full blown psychological operation (how ‘I’ would usually experience ‘myself’), so all in all it seems virtually impossible to get into a mood.

Which means those times are now opportunities to explore the depths of ‘my’ being. What is becoming clear though is that at some point ‘I’ have to go in ‘my’ entirety, that no matter how well ‘I’ resolve whatever remaining dramas, ‘I’ will still remain as a feeling being. It seems this is the benefit of going thus far in purifying ‘myself’. Seeing that ultimately ‘I’ still remain as a feeling being, that this cannot be chipped away at, that it can only be eliminated as a whole.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 8 August 2024

August 10, 2024, 12:55 PM WEST

kuba: I have been contemplating this very same thing lately. There is the drive which is ‘me’ and this is usually spent on various dramas which are available within ‘humanity’. It can be turned into various aspects of one’s identity such as career, parenthood, hobbies etc and then this gives one a sense of purpose, what this ‘sense of purpose’ really is about though is escaping from being ‘me’, it is a distraction from what ‘my’ ground of ‘being’ is all about, which is being forever separated from the actual.

So even though ‘I’ resent having to play this game of being a social identity, ‘I’ still choose it over the unbearable alternative.

What I am considering though is the benefit of committing wholly to being an Actualist. As in to channel all of that drive into the 1 aspect of ‘my’ identity which can deliver the goods. ‘I’ will be an identity until ‘I’ am no more, and usually ‘I’ split myself between all these various identities, all pointing in different directions.

It’s like ‘I’ am a part time Actualist, part time boyfriend, part time employee etc. and ‘I’ am trying somehow to make all of those aspects work together, to tick all boxes at once.

What happens though is that all those other aspects of ‘me’ are straining to pull ‘me’ back towards ‘humanity’, to remain an identity at all costs. Furthermore ‘I’ end up fragmented between different goals, one’s pointing in completely different directions.

It seems to me that there is only 1 way to make it work, which is to commit all of ‘oneself’ to being an Actualist. That is to say that last piece of pizza is an actualist through and through, until ‘he’ disappears in ‘his’ entirety.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 10 August 2024

August 11, 2024, 10:41 AM WEST

kuba: So I have been considering this since yesterday and I still find myself disagreeing with this one. I have been trying to pinpoint exactly what it is, so here it goes.

So the difference seems that what I am suggesting is to take all that commitment which I usually invest in the various roles and identities and instead turn it towards the commitment towards actual freedom as a priority. Which means enjoyment and appreciation comes first, everything else falls on a ‘it doesn’t ultimately matter’ basis.

Your suggestion is to incubate each aspect of one’s identity with pure intent and then take this all the way through to an actual freedom.

The problem as I see it is that the second approach will inevitably hit a wall, because I am trying to make the purity and perfection fit a mould which exists only in ‘reality’. In a sense I am working back to front, I am asking actuality to fit ‘my’ various roles and identities, and inevitably the whole endeavour is crippled.

This is because those various roles and identities have goals and agendas which are ultimately at odds with actuality. What happens is those things which are ‘human’ end up blocking the experience of that which is outside of ‘humanity’.

When one’s connection to pure intent is active it is not that those roles and identities have been fixed from the inside by the perfection and purity, it is rather that pure intent makes those roles and identities redundant, when advised by the perfection and purity ‘I’ am able to operate outside of that mould.

It seems that in trying to go ‘through’ those identities one makes the same category of error that we saw in the ‘rift’ thread, where one tries to smuggle some ‘humanity’ into actuality. Whenever I experience a PCE I am always blown away by how magical it is, as in the actual world has not a trace of anything that is ‘human’ left, hence why it is experienced to be a fairytale like world. What I have observed in myself is that any trace of that which is ‘human’ is what stands in the way of experiencing the magical world that is the actual world.

By the same token any investment into those roles and identities which exist only in ‘reality’ will be inevitably at odds with the commitment towards ending ‘humanity’ as a whole, because those roles and identities will be annihilated by such a step. It reminds me of Devika asking Richard to allow love into actual freedom, she wanted to save 1 aspect of ‘humanity’ and in doing so she saved the whole sorry lot.

So what I am interested in is whether this attempt to incubate pure intent into the different identities and then go through them all the way into actual freedom is really just a clever way for ‘me’ to keep them alive, to save them, and in doing so the entire package is ultimately retained.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 11 August 2024

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August 11, 2024, 11:03 AM WEST

kuba: Furthermore even in terms of the application of the method, of enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, this in itself is already at odds with the goals and agendas of those roles and identities. For example if ‘I’ attempt the goal of being the best employee am ‘I’ not at the same time honouring the commitment towards all those values which the company holds, and perennial enjoyment and appreciation will not be in their top 3 list . Or when ‘I’ attempt to be the best boyfriend/husband am I not at the same time honouring the commitment to sorrow when the relationship is threatened. Of course I could try to purify those roles and identities, to fix them from the inside, but why? @Felix wrote the other day how eventually feeling good is seen for a value in itself, this is what would squarely fall under the commitment to being an actualist. Whereas those roles and identities which exist in ‘reality’ have no interest in feeling good as a value in itself, this is the last on their line of priorities. So taking this crippling effect into account why would I want to go through them other than as a cunning attempt to save them?

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 11 August 2024

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August 11, 2024, 11:20 AM WEST

kuba: Also I wonder if this is to do with where one is at in general, I remember that at a certain point when I began having some success with the method and I switched from being a stressed and miserable individual to all of a sudden being able to function in the marketplace with relative ease, that I almost had this ‘second wind’ of trying to win at being ‘normal’. Because ‘I’ was no longer crippled by emotion ‘I’ was able to accomplish all those things which ‘I’ never could before. This was very much like what you are describing, that those roles and identities were now super charged. But where I find myself lately is that as I wrote above, this eventually hits a wall.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 11 August 2024

August 13, 2024, 10:39 AM WEST

kuba: What I am noticing here lately is that this commitment is ultimately a commitment to enjoyment and appreciation, it makes sense now why the method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, the end and the means to the end are the same thing.

This enjoyment and appreciation starts with feeling good (an affective enjoyment and appreciation), and it becomes progressively cleaner as one allows more of the perfection and purity of the actual to shine through, eventually this becomes a pure consciousness experience, where there is direct experience of the perfection and purity, and of course there is enjoyment and appreciation, only enjoyment and appreciation at that point.

So it starts with an imitative enjoyment and appreciation and goes all the way through to an actual enjoyment and appreciation, but all the way through it is enjoyment and appreciation.

I am finding lately that those other ‘identity commitments’ are indeed falling away, it can be a little disorientating initially, this sense of “what now then?” And of course the answer is – enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive, that is the thing to be done until that is the only thing left. If I allow this I find myself drawn into experiences of exquisite purity, it’s like the entire world is a shining jewel and there is nothing else to be done but to enjoy and appreciate, and of course from that vantage point the method makes a lot of sense.

It is quite a big thing to allow though, that without ‘me’ there is only that shining jewel left, there is only enjoyment and appreciation, there is only perfection and purity, and one could not possibly get away from it as one is always here and it is already now, in a sense for ‘me’ to be considering this is like madness by delight

Maybe I am starting to see what Richard’s writings were pointing to, that if one were to proceed without some acclimatisation one could go mad with the amount of delight pouring forth.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 13 August 2024

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August 13, 2024, 11:02 AM WEST

kuba: In fact I had 2 funny experiences like that lately. One was when I was squarely in excellence and I ate some grade 5 (strongest) blue cheese, and man it was intense! It was a bit too much but it was not an affective experience, it was a sensate experience.

The other was yesterday when I was sparring and I was very hot and thirsty, I went into the bathroom to drink some tap water out of the sink to cool down, the experience all of sudden flipped into a direct experience and I was blown away by how satisfying it all was, to actually experience all those sensations happening. It’s more satisfaction than ‘I’ could ever dream of and I was drinking tap water out of the sink

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 13 August 2024

August 14, 2024, 5:13 PM BST

kuba: So it seems things are still moving forward which is great! There is definitely a dynamic aspect to how things are playing out day by day. Things still come up but they do not stick, rather they are immediately divulged by attentiveness. And in this way bits of ‘me’ are falling away, this seems to be made possible because of the ongoing connection to the perfection and purity. With perfection and purity so easily accessible all around ‘I’ can accept being redundant and vacate the scene bit by bit.

It’s interesting to see that there are maybe 2 main themes which persist at this point, and even those are kind of phasing in and out, at times they dominate somewhat and then they are seen as unnecessary and fall back. But each day I find that it is those themes which are fading into the background and it is the perfection and purity which is starting to take centre stage.

Which means I am getting a good look at those last ‘identity commitments’, it is perfection and purity in one hand and ‘identity commitments’ in the other, at this point though the scale is strongly leaning towards the perfection and purity, which means the ‘identity commitments’ are being viewed from an entirely different vantage point.

It is easy to spot the difference between them too, that which is left of ‘my’ identity requires to be continually maintained, there is a certain painful effort this takes, ‘I’ don’t get to rest as long as ‘I’ remain an identity, for ‘I’ must maintain ‘myself’. Whereas living the perfection and purity there is no such burden of having to maintain ‘myself’.

It’s interesting because I specifically remember when I was a teenager, having this sense that I lost something, I could remember this faint sense of something precious which I lived as a child which was all of a sudden completely absent from my life, and I just didn’t know how to get it back, or maybe it never existed in the first place…

Nowadays that something precious which was lost has been re-discovered and is being lived more and more each day. It’s like being back to the place before ‘I’ took on the burden of being a ‘who’, in a word it is naiveté

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 14 August 2024

August 15, 2024, 3:08 PM BST

kuba: Some more fun explorations…

So there is quite a lot going on these days in terms of the ‘in the marketplace’ type stuff. It’s a very interesting thing to be involved in because ‘I’ am at the same time stepping off the stage, at a time when apparently ‘I’ am most needed haha!

It seems there are all these things to do, to control for, to account for etc and yet ‘I’ am doing less and less, somehow though the cogs are still turning, things are still being done and all is well.

This is making something very clear, essentially that there is life as it actually happens and then there is ‘me’, all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ only exist in ‘my’ world, they have naught to do with life as it actually happens.

It is as if ‘I’ am running all these side quests (masquerading as the main thing) which are completely unnecessary, meanwhile the things which actually require attention happen without ‘my’ involvement anyways.

And it has always been like this, I notice that whenever there was a particularly complex thing ahead, ‘I’ only got in the way, but ultimately what needed to be done would happen.

The funny thing as well is that ‘I’ would typically get resentful of that burden, of having to ‘do/control/account for’ all these things and yet when there was a quiet period ‘I’ would begin to feel restless, like ‘I’ don’t know what to do with ‘myself’.

And this exposes ‘my’ MO, which is essentially like a generator of things which have naught to do with the facts, and then passionately getting involved in dramas around it. It’s like the people who are afraid of having nothing to do so they fill their life with busyness and then resent the stress this ends up causing them!

What I notice is that the things which actually require attention (the facts) have a way of making themselves known, they are substantial and therefore they can be addressed, they are here right in front of me.

Whereas all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ are generated by ‘me’ and therefore they are not substantial, they cannot be grasped and therefore they inevitably create anxiety. How can one address something that does not actually exist? Only by reverting to imagination, belief, hope, trust etc.

Which means that to deal with facts inevitably leads to confidence (and therefore security) whereas to deal with beliefs inevitably leads to uncertainty (and therefore stress and anxiety). But the significant thing here is that ‘my’ entire worldview, all those ‘things to do/control/account for’ are the latter.

So indeed it can be seen that even when busy in the marketplace ‘I’ have no part in anything other than causing confusion and anxiety. It is a big burden to drop, to consider living a life where ‘I’ am no longer needed to ‘do/control/account for’ anything. Where that which requires attention presents itself naturally, it is right here and therefore ‘I’ do not have to painfully plan ahead (with the only tools available to ‘me’, such as hope and belief). To live this would be to live free of stress and free of anxiety AND *things are still being done*.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 15 August 2024

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August 15, 2024, 3:39 PM BST

kuba: And I know I am on the right track towards this when there is that ‘holiday atmosphere’ or experiencing what Richard wrote in his journal – that in actuality it is the festive season all year round. In short ‘I’ end up with nothing else to do but enjoying and appreciating.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 15 August 2024

August 26, 2024, 3:08 PM BST

kuba: That’s fascinating because it is also what I have observed in myself recently. I had a conversation with my mum the other day after which she said that I was being confrontational and was worried that I was also just as confrontational towards Sonya. It was delightful to be able to reply that I am at times even more ‘confrontational’ with Sonya, to which Sonya replied that she appreciates this.

I notice this in my general dealings with others too, that I am now able to be frank and direct, this doesn’t mean that I am insensitive or aggressive (what others would call confrontational) but rather that I simply wish to get to the facts of the matter.

I was contemplating this recent change and I notice that I am only able to be direct because I am virtually harmless, as in I do not have to go by the ‘rules of the game’ because there is virtually no malice which needs to be kept at bay. There are times when various emotions come up, but it is this ‘crippling effect’ that I described in my journal, where they cannot turn into a mood.

The interesting thing here is that the meaning of the word harmless has been flipped upside down to what it would be understood as within ‘humanity’. Because within ‘humanity’ the one who is harmless is the one who can honour and respect the feelings of another (whilst completely disregarding the actual consequences of their actions).

Whereas I have no problem with what others would call ‘being confrontational’ if the situation necessitates it and if it actually assists a fellow human being in seeing the harm in what they are doing (both to themselves and others). Essentially what I am totally interested in is the actual consequences of one’s actions and what I am no longer interested in is optimising for one’s emotions in one way or another.

And of course what Richard did in going online with his journal and corresponding on the AFT would be seen through the eyes of ‘humanity’ as extremely confrontational and yet all those ‘holy cows’ needed to be exposed for what they are.

But it is a fascinating change to observe because it is something that would be urged against by all the societal conditioning (the morals and ethics) and for good reason too! I notice I am able to allow this way of operating only because of where I find myself experientially, it is the ongoing virtual absence of sorrow and malice which grants the confidence to operate in this way.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 26 August 2024

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August 26, 2024, 3:27 PM WEST

kuba: What I also find fascinating here is that this seems to be a necessary step, as in it is necessary to see that both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ are rotten to the very core and as such one has the confidence to end both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’.

It seems this seeing of what harmlessness is actually all about is a step along this process, as in it is the clear and total seeing of the actual harm caused by ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ which takes precedence. And of course there is no longer any interest in maintaining the status quo in order to optimise for emotions.

Because at the end of the day no other ‘entity’ will grant ‘me’ the go ahead to self-immolate. It is a unilateral action because it requires going against the whole thrust of ‘humanity’. If one is to be a total traitor to ‘humanity’ there needs to be a complete confidence in this course of action being actually beneficial.

One is doing it for this body, that body and everybody.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 26 August 2024

August 28, 2024, 6:00 PM WEST

kuba: So I can point to a specific day when things changed (and have remained so) which was when I wrote this post exactly a month ago – .

I wrote in that post that I noticed that the breaks no longer work and furthermore that my experience is that of an ongoing and dynamic excellence experience.

Since then the breaks have continued to be defunct, ‘I’ am unable to step back in ‘my’ cage. I can say without reservation that I am virtually free of malice and sorrow.

I have wondered if it may be an in control virtual freedom because it seems at times ‘I’ can still habitually engage in the same patterns that ‘I’ would do when back in ‘my’ cage.

But something is very different though because even during those times ‘I’ am not actually in control, it’s as if ‘I’ am just habitually playing out an act meanwhile pure intent is still withering things away, and this cannot be stopped.

And this has been a very interesting place to investigate from, ‘I’ can play out ‘my’ dramas to the full and in doing so they are exposed to the perfection and purity. It’s like ‘I’ am able to fully expose ‘myself’ to the perfection and purity with the knowledge that nothing will ultimately stick. And I have been making the most out of this aspect.

So my only reservation about calling it an out from control virtual freedom is that during those times the experience is not quite that of excellence, but what has remained unbroken is the fact that the brakes cannot be put on.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 28 August 2024

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August 28, 2024, 6:09 PM WEST

kuba: Although the funny thing is that the second ‘I’ stop being busily engaged in playing out that act, excellence is once more the all round state of affairs. It’s as if I have my nose deep in a book only to pause for a second and look around to realise that I am in a wonderland, and have been all this time.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 28 August 2024

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August 28, 2024, 6:37 PM WEST

kuba: As to how accessible this is I agree, the only thing it requires it seems is that one sees that the doors of ‘my’ cage are wide open, what keeps ‘me’ inside is nothing but ‘my’ own perversity.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 28 August 2024

August 29, 2024, 4:02 PM WEST

kuba: OK but warning… long post incoming

The initial few years of applying the method I made very good progress but then it seemed I hit a wall, and I remained on that plateau for a year or so. Things changed initially with the news of Richard’s death, it was a wake up call and it re-ignited the desire in me to become actually free of the human condition in this lifetime.

I did exactly as Vineeto encouraged, I turned any sadness and shock into a deep and abiding appreciation for Richard, then I allowed this appreciation to ‘spill over’ into appreciating this universe and my fellow human beings. So it seems this is what set things in motion initially.

The next ‘push’ came from Claudiu going ahead and entering out from control virtual freedom, I wrote then that I was never good at going first but I am very good at going second haha. It seems I needed to know that it was possible.

So around that time I began allowing pure intent and going into excellence more often but still each time I returned to that same plateau, back into ‘my’ cage.

Then the below post from Vineeto to Jonathan highlighted something very important:

kuba: This “the doors are wide open” stuck with me but funnily enough I went right back into ‘normal’ and from there tried to figure out how to step out of the cage :

kuba: And so the next ‘push’ came from Vineeto’s reply to me – specifically the below:

kuba: I was determined to find a resolution to this experientially and so over the next couple of days I set the intention to continue allowing pure intent each moment again, come what may. And that is exactly what I did, I extended myself like I haven’t done before. I eventually had my experiential answer which I wrote here:

kuba: So I could see that the doors are already wide open and that I don’t need a formula in order to step out, in fact that very searching for formulas was doing exactly the below:

kuba: So I was revving up that engine over and over, allowing pure intent each moment again come what may. Eventually I noticed that the breaks no longer worked, it’s like the cogs of the machine just continued spinning, I wrote the below:

kuba: And those breaks haven’t worked since, that momentum continues of it’s own accord. Even when various emotions come up it’s like the whole mechanism is crippled, they cannot stick and turn into a mood, rather they are immediately worked on by the perfection and purity.

At times this can be somewhat intense but always with the background knowledge that all is well, there can be an affective current active in all its ‘glory’ and ‘I’ cannot turn either way, ‘I’ am simply left exposed.

So to sum it up, regarding the barrier to entry, I think it is ultimately what I wrote yesterday:

kuba: And this is something that I can observe all around nowadays, this perversity which keeps ‘me’ in ‘my’ cage is just like what Richard wrote – “it is impossible to combat the wisdom of the real world”. In a similar fashion ‘I’ have weaved the most elaborate worldview in order to justify remaining in ‘my’ cage. The psychological and psychic gymnastics that ‘I’ get up to in order to remain ‘trapped’ inside the cage are legendary haha.

So in short it was seeing that the doors are already wide open and that there is nothing to do but step outside. The thing to bear in mind is that one cannot be stepping outside whilst at the same time hanging back and making the ‘next great escape plan’, this kind of activity has to be seen for what it is.

Kuba, DAO: Claudiu’s Journal, 29 August 2024