kuba: So I have been down with some serious flu the past few days, and yet I have been experiencing the most incredible things, I have wondered at times if it was some delirium caused by the flu haha but I am on the mend now and things are getting even more incredible.

What I have been experiencing is what Vineeto was alluding to here:

kuba: Indeed what I am experiencing now is a ride of a lifetime, it is something that I am struggling to put into words but it’s simply unmatched by anything that came before. The flavour of these experiences is exactly what Claudiu wrote recently:

kuba: And it is this ‘very strange’ aspect that I cannot put into words but it is beyond wonderful to experience. How is it that I am having experiences where it is as if ‘I’ and ‘reality’ never existed in the first place, where the actual world is simply the only thing in existence, where it has always been like this and it could not be any other way.

And yet there is the memory (fading though) of ‘my’ life and of ‘reality’, did it ever exist? The weirdest thing is that this can flip in a matter of seconds, as in 1 moment ‘I’ exist and do ‘my’ thing and then the next it’s as if ‘I’ never existed in the first place.

It’s like some weird amnesia and I find myself yo-yoing between these, but the whole thing is utterly safe, there is not even a trace of fear or resistance to this, it’s such a delight to experience myself like this.

It seems the most wonderful thing about actuality is that it is all there is! Seeing this brings a safety and a completeness that has to be experienced to be known, it is indeed beyond ‘my’ wildest dreams.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 6 September 2024

kuba: Yes thank you Vineeto, you couldn’t be more accurate with your suggestion because this question has been burning inside me so much so that it just continued through the night whilst sleeping, only to wake up to your post.

I was wondering why is it that ‘I’ still come back? Because this sense of magic that I am experiencing is beyond compare, and yet ‘I’ come back…

But just like one cannot self immolate in a PCE, ‘I’ still have a job to do when ‘I’ flip back, this is why ‘I’ flip back.

This flavour of magical sweetness that I am experiencing, it is so profound that it is impossible not to commit.

It is a familiar flavour but it has never been this imminent, the flavour is of the final destination. At times I wonder could it really be this wonderful, and yes it is exactly what is here for all of humankind.

So that’s as far as it goes for now, yet something seems very imminent.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 7 September 2024

kuba: Some more notes on how things are going, and they are going so wonderfully. It is clear that something shifted recently, things have gone onto a whole other gear. The enjoyment and appreciation which I am experiencing is of a different kind, it seems anhedonic in nature, it is the direct experience of the perfection and purity which is all around, or perhaps it is filtered by ‘me’ but so very slightly that it is impossible to tell.

It’s as if some last barrier has been removed and now my experience is almost constantly suffused with this magical sweetness or this fairytale like quality. I notice that there is no resistance from ‘me’ anymore. I remember in the past there was always a fear to allow the perfection and purity, this is simply no longer the case, perhaps that is the ‘last barrier’ which went. Now I am so happily allowing it and delighting in it, I was looking for a good word to describe the quality of my ongoing experiencing and something Peter wrote came to mind – it is ambrosial!

And it seems I cannot get away from it (neither would I want to haha), it is a rock solid foundation. It is this quiet contentment at being here, and it is tasted in anything and everything, as Richard wrote:

kuba: I can experience this fairy tale like existence and I can see that it is already complete, there is no space for ‘me’. And yet ‘I’ still have 1 very important job to do, I can see now what Richard meant that he owed all that he lived to ‘me’, because indeed ‘I’ have a very important role to play, ‘I’ am the one to cheerfully and willingly self-immolate and thus make way for the perfection and purity.

I have never seen this from this angle before, I always saw it as something ‘I’ have to resentfully ‘get over and done with’. But it is not so, ‘I’ am very much needed in order to actualise what the universe intends. It makes ‘my’ petty life all worth it in the end, ‘I’ can gladly sacrifice ‘myself’ to allow this perfect destiny, ‘I’ can go out in a blaze of glory.

So it’s not that ‘I’ have to do it, ‘I’ *get to* do it, ‘I’ get to grant this gift and ‘I’ am the only one who can grant it.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 9 September 2024

kuba: So I don’t think I can pinpoint what led to the change (although I will see if an answer comes up), I first noticed something was different when I was at the same time down with a very strong flu so there was a lot going on experientially haha.

The difference I observe in myself now vs before is that before there was the experience of the breaks no longer working as well as the perfection and purity actively working away on ‘me’ as the ‘beer’. So there was often various strong affective responses arising due to this. Although the ‘doer’ is out of the way, the ‘beer’ is laid bare for the perfection and purity to work away.

It seems now ‘I’ as the ‘beer’ no longer have those reactions, as in there is no affective storms stirred up by the experience of perfection and purity. Which means that whatever was polluting the experience is no longer present. And it seems it is this lack of affective pollution which took the experience to the next level, with this utterly pristine, magical quality being apparent now.

So before there was the active connection to pure intent but it also came with some ‘affective shrapnel’, it’s as if that very same connection has remained but because ‘I’ fully stopped screaming and shouting it can now be appreciated for what it is.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 9 September 2024

kuba: So I have finished reading the reports now, although the facts of my experience speak for themselves at this point it is still great to see that things line up.

There was a couple of things that stood out :

kuba: This was a nice thing to read because it means that in making the decision to step out from control ‘I’ may have got myself onto a one way ride, one that is unlikely to end in anything but ‘my’ demise, considering this puts a smile on my face every time

This question of ‘falling back to normal’ this is something that I can also confirm in myself, that it is a case of working through whatever aspect of the human condition is presenting itself, yet I have not been ‘normal’ since the initial change.

It’s as if ‘I’ dip into those patterns so that they can be fully experienced and unravelled, of course how else could the actualism process eventuate?

The other thing is reading Vineeto now vs before, it’s funny that before I was projecting a phantom of sorts, one that was synonymous with authority. But of course Vineeto hasn’t changed between then and now, it was ‘I’ that changed. It is a propitious situation to have her as a target which we can all unequivocally and safely aim for.

Also:

kuba: And this is what I find myself smack bang in the middle, it’s fascinating that abandoning ‘humanity’ means a movement towards pure intent, only pure intent. I always knew that this would eventually be the next step, it’s just that ‘I’ could not quite face the ramifications.

It seems the core of the resistance is essentially a fear of being seen as completely insane, and the danger this apparently presents. Although this drama is having very little credibility these days, all it takes is to turn and look over my shoulder, back to where ‘humanity’ is, for a reminder of what exists ‘back there’, then I gladly continue proceeding towards pure intent.

But I recognise this as the next step, to abandon ‘humanity’, to no longer have the ability to ‘fit’ into it, to no longer have the capacity to belong or even to relate to other identities, I can see in that direction there is only pure intent, also I can see that walking in that direction I might find that I turn back around to see the door back to ‘reality’ closing, how exciting!

Kuba, DAO: Reports on being Out-from-Control, 13 September 2024

kuba: Yes so this is the next thing I was going to write about, I was trying to find the exact quote in the reports but you were speaking with Vineeto about the beneficial effect of being able to relate to other identities whilst being out from control vs an actually free person being unable to even relate to the identity as those identities have no existence in actuality.

I have also noticed this beneficial effect but now I am starting to see where it begins to fall short, hence the focus on stepping out of ‘humanity’. What I can see is that as long as ‘I’ am relating with another identity there can only ever be a virtual happiness and harmlessness.

As long as ‘I’ continue to speak in that language of ‘reality’ there is a hook back towards sorrow and malice. And the denizens of the ‘real world’ are extremely apt at drawing others to where they are at. At the very best ‘I’ become expert at swimming these waters, but simply by virtue of detecting and relating with those other identities, ‘I’ am hooked.

It seems that at some point the only thing that makes sense is to abandon the entire thing altogether, this is the only way to ensure actual happiness and harmlessness and the ability to act sensibly each moment again. Besides that which is ‘human’ is that which blocks the experience of perfection and purity so it all has to go eventually.

Kuba, DAO: Reports on being Out-from-Control, 13 September 2024

kuba: Since yesterday I have been fascinated by the fact that allowing happiness and harmlessness *is* the most caring and selfless thing to be done. It is interesting because within ‘humanity’ it is held that it is the one who is prepared to suffer the most who is a good person, that the one who allows happiness for themselves is selfish or has sold their soul to the devil, yet the facts are exactly the opposite.

Firstly it is impossible to be genuinely happy without at the same time being harmless, those people who are seen to cause chaos in pursuit of ‘happiness’ are actually deeply unhappy and thus desperately looking for the next fix of good feelings.

Also it is those people who are devoured by their various dramas and demons who are the most self involved, and in the process they are the ones causing the most harm both to themselves and others. Now they have a choice – to be happy (and therefore harmless) a choice that would benefit both them and those around them (everybody wins) and yet this choice would require that they relinquish a precious part of ‘themselves’.

The choice to remain as ‘I’ am and thus continue causing harm to all is the uncaring one, it is the selfish one. The choice to allow happiness and harmlessness and thus benefit all is the caring one, and it is the selfless one.

I remember reading Peter mention this, that merely chasing after ‘my’ gratification is insufficient motivation, and this makes sense now. Because if ‘I’ am motivated in this self-centred way ‘I’ will remain exactly as ‘I’ am and thus continue causing harm to all, neither happiness nor harmlessness will be allowed as ‘I’ will choose to remain unchanged.

They key then is to see the full picture, to see the harm ‘I’ am causing to *all concerned* (including myself) by remaining as ‘I’ am. I find it fascinating how this segues into actual freedom, that in the end to ensure actual (and irrevocable) happiness and harmlessness (and thus to benefit all) ‘I’ have to give up ‘myself’ altogether.

Kuba, DAO: Kub933’s Journal, 16 September 2024