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(List D refers to Richard’s List D Vineeto’s Correspondence with Kuba on Discuss Actualism Forum
VINEETO: I am immensely pleased that you discovered “some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’ because it is this “resistance” which is fuelling the weirdness. KUBA: Yes I can see this clearly now, before it seems ‘I’ had split ‘myself’ off somewhat, in that there was ‘me’ wanting to proceed and then the “weirdness” appeared to be something other than ‘me’ that was blocking ‘me’, and yet this “weirdness” is being generated by ‘me’, that resistance is ‘me’. Essentially there is some part of ‘me’ that is working overtime to sustain this drama, to stop ‘me’ from proceeding where ‘I’ wish to go. Catching onto the absurdity of this whole thing yesterday did something, because why would ‘I’ fight where pure intent is pulling ‘me’ when that is exactly what ‘I’ yearn for. I remember Peter writing that ‘I’ am a passionate protector of absolutely nothing at all, it’s a bit like that. It seems there must be something that ‘I’ am still hiding though, something that ‘I’ am
prepared to continue suffering for in order to keep it hidden. It feels as if pure intent is exposing ‘my’ best
kept secret and ‘I’ am not ready for it to be divulged. That if it is to be exposed ‘I’ will be left so
vulnerable and open to the world that ‘I’ will not be able to function. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it. KUBA: But there is this other component to it, of why ‘I’ am always inclined to ‘do’ something, it is this deep feeling/belief that it is not enough to be me as-I-am. It’s interesting because I left school about 13 years ago and yet still to this day I have the same recurring dream of being back. When I moved from Poland to England at 12 it was a big shock for me, so much so that I completely shut myself off from everybody, for years I would not speak any more than a yes/no and I had absolutely no friends or social life of any description. The way I eventually climbed out of this hole was by getting into sports and “buying my way” into ‘being normal’ with achievements. But it seems this left a very deep and lasting impression on ‘me’. This sense that ‘I’ absolutely cannot exist without being ‘someone in particular’ with ‘something to offer’. VINEETO: It doesn’t really matter, why – not a single person likes to be a nobody – and yet it is soo delicious. KUBA: You wrote the other day if ‘I’ could give a guarantee that if ‘my’ question was resolved to ‘my’ satisfaction that ‘I’ would give ‘myself’ up there and then. It looks to me that whatever the root of this resistance is (and I am not yet sure what it is), it has the capacity to do that exactly. VINEETO: The root of the resistance are your very survival instincts – ‘you’ don’t want to go extinct, despite ‘your’ yearning for oblivion. It’s very understandable but by your own reporting you can hardly maintain yourself any longer.
* VINEETO: What a fascinating thrilling time you are having, traversing “this “desert of monumental proportions” and yet knowing with utter certainty that you are “proceeding towards my destiny”, and that there is “absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to”. Reading all this I was wondering if you perhaps are deeply influenced by these particular descriptions of Richard’s Journal – he was after all drawing from his experience of coming out of Spiritual Enlightenment /institutionalized insanity – such that they are what is now happening to you, especially as you also noticed that “it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.” KUBA: Yes I am most likely deeply influenced by these descriptions but I wonder now if I have somewhat appropriated this drama in order to justify/ validate this resistance. That there is clearly something in ‘me’ that is not yet fully ready to proceed and so ‘I’ can make it seem legitimate by framing it in line with those descriptions. Which if this is the case that is great news haha, because it means it can be way easier than ‘I’ have been making it! VINEETO: Ah, that’s what I was thinking. KUBA: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare. How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this. VINEETO: I can understand that but this worry, as I said before, is beyond ‘your’ territory and a distraction. Remember what children get up to when they don’t want to go to bed? ‘You’ don’t want to go extinct. * VINEETO: ‘Vineeto’ deeply felt it many times in ‘her’ life, from the first moment when ‘she’ fell unconscious (due to low blood-pressure at the time). There was something so sweet, so enticing, so attractive, in those seconds before unconsciousness set in and similar in following events KUBA: Yes that is interesting because I have had the same experience when for example I have been weight lifting heavy and would go light headed, it was obviously not a PCE and yet there was something so delicious in ‘me’ getting to disappear for a bit and yet the awareness of being alive continuing. VINEETO: So you know this delicious feeling of taking a rest of ‘me’ … you can lean into that, that’s really what ‘I’ want, have a rest forever … KUBA: [Edit] It seems those stories of it not being enough to be me as-I-am are furphies. VINEETO: Ha, I am glad you can see that. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours. It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder. VINEETO: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it! KUBA: The below is perhaps the most wonderful description that I can think of, this is what ‘I’ desire and yet it is so weird that clearly something in ‘me’ is resisting the possibility of living this:
VINEETO: Yes, I remember experiencing this, such an amazing experience – the discovering of this magical wonderland – that was right after my guardian had abdicated and I was home free. [Edit]: Actually, it was the description after I became fully actually free. KUBA: Weirdly enough ‘I’ am extremely optimistic about it being possible now… Even though clearly ‘I’ do not yet know the way forward. Because now I see that there is something that ‘I’ am doing/ being which prevents it from happening, which means this “something” can be uncovered! So in short rather than soldiering through this “desert of monumental proportions”
‘I’ can continue allowing this ‘process’ and locate the root of the resistance – of what is keeping
‘me’ from allowing ‘my’ deeply yearned for oblivion, meanwhile avoiding getting drawn into any side mission
(which I have just averted this morning haha). VINEETO: Ah, I am glad you decided not to follow the ‘dutiful’ suggestion of your ‘controller’/ ‘feeler’ – they are up to no good. KUBA: Ok so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to
allow it to happen is a side mission! VINEETO: Bullseye! Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it! KUBA: Yes I fell for it again! Except this time I smelled a rat pretty quick. When I wrote those furphies out – and as gullible as I can be – even I wasn’t sold. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Isn’t it such fun! KUBA: But it was reading back over the below which made it click:
VINEETO: Just to put your mind at rest – Richard did many other things in his actually free life apart from sitting looking “out the window for hours”.
KUBA: I tried to find this someone/ something who is apparently not allowing me and then I realised that I have already abandoned ‘humanity’. So then it became clear… it is ‘my’ very survival instincts aka ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being that is the resistance, hence – “so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!” And what an amazing thing to discover this is! VINEETO: Yes it is a wonderful discovery and possibly ‘your’ last. ‘You’ no longer will have to justify ‘your’ fictious existence. KUBA: Indeed ‘I’ have been gullible all ‘my’ life, not only in believing in the authority of ‘human wisdom’ but in believing that the human condition is set in stone. I wrote in the past that ‘I’ am a coward, but actually I think it was the gullibility that came first ‘I’ was a coward because ‘I’ fell hook, line and sinker for those beliefs in the first place. VINEETO: Before you accuse your ‘self’ of even more flaws, let me remind you that children are gullible by necessity because of the preset conditions they are born into without a handbook (or reading skills) to start off with. They have to believe what they are told. It is an amazing feat to slowly extract oneself from this legacy of genetically endowed instinctual passions and feelings and the passed-on ‘wisdom’ of those who came before, and be able to sort out silly and sensible and even more so to become increasingly happy and harmless. KUBA: All along there was no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free, of dropping the burden that is ‘being’ itself. ‘I’ am the one (and only one) to allow ‘myself’ to go blessedly into oblivion. And ‘I’ already know without a shadow of a doubt that the world will be all the better for it. VINEETO: Indeed, after all the frightening, thrilling and daring experiences, in the end you find out that there is “no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free” – isn’t that in itself a hilarious proof of the benevolence of the universe and the beneficence of the human consciousness, which enables such revelation. KUBA: I remember you wrote to me a while ago asking (to the effect
of) – can you hear it yet? Indeed ‘I’ can now hear the sound of ‘my’ extinction approaching. VINEETO: I found it –
Yes, I can hear it too and this is wonderful to say the least. * KUBA: I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide. VINEETO: It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it. KUBA: Lol no wonder it was more of a comedy than a drama for Geoffrey, and why the business of becoming actually free is not a serious business at all. All this over ‘someone’ that does not exist in actuality. VINEETO: In the end when ‘you’ can see the fact, it’s always hilarious, but it can nevertheless feel very serious while one is trying to make sense of this strange and sometimes absurd situation all humans find themselves in. KUBA: I can see what Richard meant when he wrote in his journal:
VINEETO: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”? Ah, what a joy! Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”? KUBA: Haha well that is precisely on point, ‘I’ am just holding out in no man’s land at this point. Driving to work last night I thought exactly that, I found ‘myself’ so far away from ‘home’, a bit like those sci-fi movies where the characters leave for some far away planet, but I had not landed in terra Actualis yet either. The fear or weirdness didn’t play much part though, it was more like "wow I have not been this far out yet". For the first time there was this organic courage to proceed, it was thrilling. Because now having abandoned ‘humanity’ there was ‘no-one’ to go back to and ‘no-one’ to stop ‘me’ proceeding. So then ‘I’ was completely on ‘my’ own but not alone, it was quite incredible because it was as if I had finally located some semblance of individuality/ autonomy. I was happy to stand on my own two feet and to proceed on my own, finally I was proceeding like a pioneer! I thought about the fact that there are currently only a dozen or so people on this planet that live in this place where I am proceeding, how odd! This new land is rather unpopulated so far. But those individuals living there, they are exactly that – individuals. It is amazing to begin to locate a genuine individuality. I thought about you Vineeto that you actually do exist in this place where I am proceeding, where you are – “as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events”. I thought how you have been inviting us to join the party. That there is nothing to lose but ‘my’ shackles, this
makes a lot more sense now experientially, it seems very close indeed – as Richard wrote “so close as to be
already here”. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, “So close as to be already here” … it looks like you are now savouring the
ever-increasing splendour of ‘your’ approaching “blaze of glory” Here is what I am reminded of –
Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: “So close as to be already here” … it
looks like you are now savouring the ever-increasing splendour of ‘your’ approaching “blaze of glory” KUBA: Oh wow yes savouring indeed, I can hardly contain myself haha. I was driving from the shops with Sonya yesterday and I had a smile glued permanently to my face . To see that in actual freedom there is only enjoyment and appreciation, the method makes perfect sense all of a sudden! This morning ‘I’ have already said ‘my’ good-byes haha, now ‘I’ am happily
anticipating what will happen next. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I couldn’t resist. Did you really only now find out why the actualism method makes perfect sense? I had such a good laugh, thank you – and I am glad you understand experientially now. Enjoying and appreciating is indeed the beginning, the middle and the end and more of it beyond the end – one needs thorough practice to prepare for life in Terra Australis.;) Just as it says on the forth scrolling banner of This Moment of Being Alive –
Bye, bye ‘Kuba’, it was great fun knowing you. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: OK so update on how things have been going as ‘I’ am still here. The best way I can describe where I find myself lately is what Srinath wrote here There really isn’t anything else ‘I’ can do now, there aren’t even any more problems to solve even if ‘I’ was to go looking for them. What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do! Experientially it is almost like it does not reflect my experience properly to use the scare quotes anymore? Of course ‘I’ am still a ‘self’ but now it would be precise to say that ‘I’ am ‘my’ passions and ‘my’ passions are ‘me’, it seems that is virtually all that is left of ‘me’, whereas before ‘I’ was a psychological operation on top of / arising out of those passions. The main way that ‘I’ can tell that ‘I’ am still here is those very passions burning away, without them ‘I’ would no longer exist. Exactly as Srinath wrote – “It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place… The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance”. So by all means this seems to be great news, because now it is only self-immolation that is left, the only other thing that can be done, there is literally nothing else I can do. There have been many times in the past week or so that it seemed like it could happen at any moment, like everything that I could do has been done and everything that could be in place to ensure it happens, has also been done. So ‘I’ have been doing nothing, even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on because that is still something that ‘I’ would be doing. Basically it has been happening and ‘I’ have been doing nothing, being insubstantial ‘I’ cannot do anything anyways. I think this is as much as I can write which accurately describes what has been going on. It
seems something needs to trigger the altruism at this point? VINEETO: Hi Kuba, What a wonderful report. Even though you say “even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on”, you still have the opportunity to ‘lean into’ the growing stillness whenever it beckons. This seems to be a bit of a challenge (naturally), because further above you say “What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do!” Perhaps this section of Richard’s journal can give you the reassurance that being still, doing nothing, savouring the “nothing to do” stage – without impatience, guilt, questioning or labelling it as something negative or something amiss – and instead fully embracing, welcoming, enjoying and appreciating every single moment. It will be now when it happens, you can’t miss it.
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Ah yes thank you I understand this, I have been “leaning into it” indeed, and as you wrote there was a worry that perhaps I have missed something else that ‘I’ could be doing. I can see that this stillness which I can “lean into” is all that is left when ‘I’ disappear. I could see this yesterday, that there is the ‘activity’ that happens inside of the psyche (the instinctual passions in operation) and yet in actuality there is the stillness, and it is always this moment. It is something I am not yet accustomed to, to “lean into” that stillness, I could see
yesterday that this stillness is where you write from. I noticed it around the “what is pure intent”
discussion, that all this ‘psychic activity’ – which had us feeling beings jumping from one side to the other
– you never experienced any of that, and you wrote from the stillness. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Yes, “this stillness … is all that is left when ‘I’ disappear.” And this is truly wonderful. ‘Stillness’ was the word I looked for in Richard’s journal when I found the quote I sent to you. It is a privilege to be so deeply (apperceptively) understood. Much appreciation, Kuba. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Things have been going so marvellously, I can’t quite believe the words I am typing out and yet this is precisely how I am experiencing being alive more and more. Yesterday for the majority of the day it was like this. The word that kept coming to my mind was that the entire world, including myself is a perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight. And the word “jewel” is quite apt because it is exactly like that, in that the light shines through freely, highlighting the utter perfection of it all. The same thing happens to the whole world including myself when the ‘grimy’ energy of ‘me’ is out of the way, revealing the perfection that is all around, through and through. At times I thought maybe I had become actually free and missed it, that is how perfect and pure it was. But each time I was able to find that %00.01 that still remained of ‘me’. Having woken up in the morning now there is that usual flood of affect that typically fades away pretty soon, but even so it seems that this perfection and purity does not leave me alone! It is all around still and it visited me again in full flavour as I was having a cigarette in the garden, all of a sudden the world is once more that perfect and pure jewel. I spent the majority of the day yesterday driving around job to job through the English countryside, it was a glorious day and I can truly say that I was having the time of my life, in awe at this wonderful world that we live in. At times I was gob-smacked at the sheer delight of it all, I thought surely it cannot get more brilliant than this, and then there was more! And indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience, as Srinath wrote it is our “rock solid inheritance”, it is where this body, that body and everybody actually exist. So there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world, that eventually I will turn around and the door back to ‘reality’ will disappear, it will have never existed in the first place, there will be nothing or ‘no-one’ to go back to. So this fear of “I am not good enough” was a furphy, because ‘I’ will not be around to decide such things. When I arrived at my second hen party yesterday I was able to interact with the group in a way that I never knew was possible. It was everything ‘I’ have ever wanted, to be able to be fun and playful , to have nothing of me hidden, and yet for it to be so safe for all. And the group appreciated this immensely, they couldn’t stop mentioning it! So this left me with utter confidence that actual freedom is beneficial in every regard, there is no draw back. When ‘I’ disappear there is nothing missing, it’s not like someone has removed a piece of hardware from a system and now the operations have to be re-routed, it’s more like someone has deleted a virus. Without ‘me’ this body has this organic integrity, it is all so seamless, how it should be. It was great that I was able to confirm for myself that it is safe to proceed towards the
perfection and purity both with regards to the physical world and to my interactions with my fellow human beings. In
both cases the outcome is just marvellous in every regard. Yesterday I called it the “gift that keeps on
giving”, except there is no cap to it, there is just more and more. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Your reports are becoming more and more marvellous and mirificent. And you describe that you have finally and irrevocably given yourself permission that it doesn’t matter if ‘you’ are ‘good enough’ or not because ‘you’ will gladly go into oblivion when ‘you’ are ready. I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep or something else? Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway. I particular like your description that “indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience” because that was also ‘Vineeto’s’ experience in ‘her’ last days. It is dynamic, not static like a PCE. Also when you say “there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world” you are clearly reporting from the perspective of actuality, and as Richard described, you can’t distinguish if ‘you’ are doing it or if it is happening to ‘you’ –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Ah and now I can tell what was “missing” yesterday, the thing that is still to come, why it was not actual freedom yet – it is the stillness. I have been experiencing it more and more, becoming accustomed to it. Finally I understood experientially what Richard meant when he wrote “I am the utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness” – that is exactly what it is like. I experienced it the other day when I was eating dinner, I don’t think I can add any more to Richard’s description. So yes there is this perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight, that is what this world and
this body is and yet there is still something else to come, which is the stillness. It seems the stillness is
experienced through that “existential sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent
when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for good. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Yes, this is when it happens –
Ha, there will be no opportunity to ‘test’ if that stillness is safe, it is irrevocable. This stillness which is, as you say “experienced through that “existential
sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for
good”. This stillness is “the essential character of the infinitude of the
universe”, the be all and end all of everything apparent … “the intrinsic
basis of everything. It is this universe at its genesis. It is not, as it might commonly be supposed, at the centre of
everything ... there is no centre here. This stillness, which is everywhere all at once, is the be all and end all of
life itself. I am the universe experiencing itself as a sensate, reflective human being.” Every time I read this piece I am touched by the ever-freshness of the words and the experience of it; it is simply magnificent. This is your destiny. What utter delight! Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Ha it does get pretty tricky to describe these things at this point, precisely because of this - “one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.” I was doing some gymnastics for it to make sense and still not happy with the descriptions . ‘Me’ giving permission to have it happen now and it happening
is one and the same thing. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Ha, that is funny. You can just describe what is happening, whatever ‘me’ is doing is pretty irrelevant at this point. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/ feeling before going to sleep or something else? Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway. KUBA: OK so this has indeed been revealing itself, it’s interesting how nothing at all can/will remain hidden. It is certainly not a seed from the last thought/ feeling before going to sleep, initially I wanted to say that it is resentment and it is a similar flavour to this. It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’, the burden of living ‘my’ life, it is interesting that something like this still remains. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, This is fascinating. So my curiosity has indeed produced something hidden. What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion. ‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba. KUBA: It seems that each day I successfully manage to get back to riding the wave of enjoyment and appreciation after this initial bump but it seems the root cause of it has remained unaddressed, the question is why is there this bump to get over in the first place. A good way I could describe this feeling (and this mirrors what Henry Indeed this word has been on my mind a lot lately, in that ‘my’ core function is to be ‘surviving’ ‘my’ way through life, this is 180 degrees opposite to living in gay abandon. ‘I’ instinctually feel threatened and so ‘I’ am consistently dealing with ‘threats’, this is why life in the real world is a grim and glum business. VINEETO: Well, all this gay abandon during most of your day makes it more and more clear to ‘you’ that ‘you’ keeping up the “weight” and “the burden of living ‘my’ life” is a purpose-less effort, an unrewarding task, an ultimately useless enterprise. And this insight is not merely a cognitive realisation but deeply felt at the depth of ‘me’. It appears, that with a bit of experiential reassurance (as you describe below is happening) ‘I’ can be confident that it won’t do any harm to the flesh-and-blood body Kuba when ‘I’ indeed lay down ‘my’ burden and let the universe live Kuba’s life. In other words, ‘I’ am ready and willing, in fact eager, to cooperate with ‘my’ demise. The fight has ended. KUBA: What I experienced this weekend gone was a peek into where I am proceeding, into what is possible. This week it seems those things which prevent experiencing life like so have been brought out into the open. As in it is clear that ‘surviving’ and living in gay abandon are in 2 different directions. All in all experiencing these feelings now is nowhere near as intense and dramatic as it was a few weeks ago, it’s like those intensely passionate reactions have worn themselves out, ‘I’ cannot go back to resisting things in the same way anymore. ‘I’ am now just a nuisance to what would otherwise be a thoroughly delightful existence. A handful of times this week I experienced / was the “utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness”, each time it happened without any prompt. It is always amazing that no matter how good things are for ‘me’ when that “last layer” is peeled back it is as if a whole new dimension has taken place. The difference between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and actuality is so huge! I am reminded of what Richard wrote in that actuality has never known any threat nor ever will. I can see now so clearly that all of the dramas that ‘I’ went through, they were simply the instinctual passions in operation, whatever specific way in which ‘I’ played those out was ultimately irrelevant, they were the screams of a dying ‘entity’. And indeed this is how all ‘feeling beings’ operate, at core all the same, going about and blindly/ automatically/ instinctually becoming threatened by this or that. By the time ‘I’ as the thinker come into the situation those instinctual reactions have already happened, whatever explanation ‘I’ come up with at that point is ultimately meaningless. It is neat to see this so clearly because that is why the actualism method works, by tracing back to the initial moment ‘I’ became triggered rather than spiralling around in those post facto explanations one is able to get back to feeling good. All of that ‘investigation’ that one is doing whilst feeling bad is just ‘me’ marinating around in sorrow and malice. VINEETO: This is a wonderful report. And it all happens of its own accord. Just remember that ‘I’ am now an ally. KUBA: The other thing related to this is that I have become aware recently of just how much ‘human’ interaction happens on a level that has nothing at all to do with the ‘thinker/ doer’, and it is the vast majority. It is quite breathtaking actually, and the weirdest thing is that as an identity one is largely blind to this. It makes complete sense now why for an actually free person the human condition is all out in the open, the various ‘me’s’ can try to hide it but ‘they’ cannot haha. So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to
do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote
there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning,
the middle and the end. VINEETO: Yes, that is correct in a general sense, and that was the very reason feeling being ‘Vineeto’ always felt uneasy when interacting with Richard – as I told you a while ago –
In actuality, an actually free person only meets flesh-and-blood bodies. Furthermore, pure intent guarantees one’s actions to always be benevolent and beneficent, regardless of any ‘hidden secrets’ revealed. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion. ‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba. KUBA: Yes this is exactly correct! Driving home just now ‘I’ put this as an actual proposition to ‘myself’ – “Do ‘I’ want to go away on a holiday and never ever come back?”, the initial response was exactly that this is indeed what ‘I’ want, shortly following it was this sense of “but am ‘I’ allowed?”. VINEETO: So are you giving yourself permission now? KUBA: Yet as you wrote :
So not only is it a burden and against what ‘I’ wish for but on top of that it is a “ultimately useless enterprise”. I know that there is ‘no-one’ stopping ‘me’ but ‘myself’ so the only thing left now is for ‘me’ to grant this permission, so yes indeed things are looking good! VINEETO: So are you giving yourself permission now? KUBA: It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making
‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was
very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’
side it didn’t always look so good. Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism. VINEETO: I understand why you call it optimism, but actually, it’s your destiny. You are not a person to be content with failure, or are you? Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Just remember that ‘I’ am now an ally. KUBA: Yes I can see this more and more these days, it was why I wrote:
‘I’ am the reason why this body and that body is here in the first place, without ‘me’ all this which is possible now could not have happened. It is only that now ‘I’ am no longer required, ‘my’ services are now a hindrance. Those passions which are responsible for the wars, rapes, suicides etc were also a necessity to get life thus far, this is a fact. So ‘I’ retire with a “job well done”. VINEETO: So far so good. KUBA: ‘I’ am a passionate protector, ‘my’ job/burden being to ensure the continuation of the species. ‘I’ will not relinquish control over this body unless ‘I’ am completely sure that it will be better off without ‘me’. VINEETO: Ok, ok, but it reads as if ‘you’ wrote yourself a new script why ‘your’
existence has a continued purpose after all. I had the impression from your previous post KUBA: So indeed ‘I’ will be an ally in all this, ‘I’
first became an ally when ‘I’ allowed pure intent to live ‘my’ life. VINEETO: Then why is this sentence written in future tense? Wiggling? Addicted to the ‘invisible wall’ of that video? KUBA: In fact seeing so clearly just what ‘I’ am means that
it must be possible for ‘me’ to self-immolate. Of course the passionate protector can altruistically self immolate
for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody, that is what ‘I’ am, it is ‘my’ destiny. VINEETO: Ha, you just made my previous comments redundant – that’s the best way. Enjoy them anyway. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. (…) KUBA: I have been looking at this the past few days, initially I tried to somewhat ‘push past’ this feeling but I realised that this is just ‘me’ running into that ‘invisible wall’ over and over again haha. I also tried to ‘ride it out’ but I notice that this feeling, it has unlimited energy, it seems it has no end… So then I changed my approach and began to consider that perhaps there is something to be found there, that perhaps this feeling contains the seed for ‘my’ undoing, so since last night I have been applying a fascinated attention to it. This morning I looked at this feeling and found ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being. What Richard wrote came to mind:
I have seen ‘myself’ like this before but this time I could see that the only way that this painful condition can end is for ‘me’ to die. Seeing this caused quite a strong visceral reaction in ‘me’, it sunk in exactly what has to happen, the only way out for ‘me’. So the door to ‘my’ destiny, to what ‘I’ desire the most is guarded by ‘my’ fear of death. I can see that this is what all the various ‘me’s’ desire, to cease ‘being’, and yet ‘I’ am kept in place by ‘my’ fear of death. This is why ‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’. The way out of this predicament is available, but it requires something to be done that ‘I’ cannot quite fathom doing/ allowing. The fear of death keeps both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ in place, forever suffering. So it seems ‘I’ am contemplating that which is “not permissible”, not so much by the ‘wisdom’ of ‘humanity’ but rather by the very force of ‘my’ being. Just to add – although I wrote it is “not permissible” nevertheless it is exactly what ‘I’
am contemplating as an actual possibility, it is very thrilling, ‘I’ am going to die and this is exciting. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, So “the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” has come to fruition – you have seen ‘me’ at ‘my’ very core and understood existentially that there is no solution whatsoever but for ‘you’ to give permission to – something which both ‘you’ and you desire most. It is very perspicacious to recognize that “‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’”, and you have so far stayed loyal to this pact. Now you refuse to suffer any longer and with this demonstrate that the pact is not unbreakable for everyone to do likewise. One thing you have not yet spelt out today, yet I suspect it is always there in the background since you wrote it on March 8 this year –
With the thrilling permission for ‘you’ to die and the passionate care to be innocence personified in place you have blessed set in motion your demise – nothing can go wrong.
Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: One thing you have not yet spelt out today, yet I suspect it is always there in the background since you wrote it on March 8 this year – KUBA: Yes it is, just a couple of days ago when I was so close to the actual world I was having these exact thoughts, that this is what I always wanted to be – innocence personified. Also it is such a joy these days to experience myself more and more as the near-innocence of naiveté, to be (as far as an identity can be) liking and likeable, caring and considerate, benevolent and beneficial. It reminds me of Richard writing about someone undertaking a “challenge” to be nice to everybody for a day, and Richard finding it so odd/funny that it would be a challenge in the first place! It is so nice to deal with customers at work and to be genuinely helpful, or to go teach some BJJ and see that those present are enjoying their time as well as drawing something beneficial from the interaction, to work at a hen party and facilitate a safe but fun atmosphere for all, to genuinely care for Sonya as a fellow human being. For all of the above to be an “of course”. And these are all just the virtual benevolence and benignity, the best that ‘I’ can muster. It must be the most incredible thing to be that very benevolence and benignity, with no cap to it as such, no way to give to some and withdraw from others, and with the 100% certainty that nothing dirty could ever seep its way in. I’m not scared of it anymore, it felt a bit too intimate initially to allow this near-innocence. That somehow people would find me weird, or too much or whatever, but I can see that it has been beneficial in every way. Contemplating all this it’s kind of weird looking back to the real world, where apparently one
has only the options of being ‘happy’ and selfish or unhappy and ‘selfless’. And actually it is so delightful
to be harmless, happiness and harmless cannot be separated out, it is 1 delicious package.
Vineeto’s & Richard’s Text ©The Actual
Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.
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