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(List D refers to Richard’s List D Vineeto’s Correspondence with Kuba on Discuss Actualism Forum
VINEETO: I am immensely pleased that you discovered “some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’ because it is this “resistance” which is fuelling the weirdness. KUBA: Yes I can see this clearly now, before it seems ‘I’ had split ‘myself’ off somewhat, in that there was ‘me’ wanting to proceed and then the “weirdness” appeared to be something other than ‘me’ that was blocking ‘me’, and yet this “weirdness” is being generated by ‘me’, that resistance is ‘me’. Essentially there is some part of ‘me’ that is working overtime to sustain this drama, to stop ‘me’ from proceeding where ‘I’ wish to go. Catching onto the absurdity of this whole thing yesterday did something, because why would ‘I’ fight where pure intent is pulling ‘me’ when that is exactly what ‘I’ yearn for. I remember Peter writing that ‘I’ am a passionate protector of absolutely nothing at all, it’s a bit like that. It seems there must be something that ‘I’ am still hiding though, something that ‘I’ am
prepared to continue suffering for in order to keep it hidden. It feels as if pure intent is exposing ‘my’ best
kept secret and ‘I’ am not ready for it to be divulged. That if it is to be exposed ‘I’ will be left so
vulnerable and open to the world that ‘I’ will not be able to function. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it. KUBA: But there is this other component to it, of why ‘I’ am always inclined to ‘do’ something, it is this deep feeling/belief that it is not enough to be me as-I-am. It’s interesting because I left school about 13 years ago and yet still to this day I have the same recurring dream of being back. When I moved from Poland to England at 12 it was a big shock for me, so much so that I completely shut myself off from everybody, for years I would not speak any more than a yes/no and I had absolutely no friends or social life of any description. The way I eventually climbed out of this hole was by getting into sports and “buying my way” into ‘being normal’ with achievements. But it seems this left a very deep and lasting impression on ‘me’. This sense that ‘I’ absolutely cannot exist without being ‘someone in particular’ with ‘something to offer’. VINEETO: It doesn’t really matter, why – not a single person likes to be a nobody – and yet it is soo delicious. KUBA: You wrote the other day if ‘I’ could give a guarantee that if ‘my’ question was resolved to ‘my’ satisfaction that ‘I’ would give ‘myself’ up there and then. It looks to me that whatever the root of this resistance is (and I am not yet sure what it is), it has the capacity to do that exactly. VINEETO: The root of the resistance are your very survival instincts – ‘you’ don’t want to go extinct, despite ‘your’ yearning for oblivion. It’s very understandable but by your own reporting you can hardly maintain yourself any longer.
* VINEETO: What a fascinating thrilling time you are having, traversing “this “desert of monumental proportions” and yet knowing with utter certainty that you are “proceeding towards my destiny”, and that there is “absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to”. Reading all this I was wondering if you perhaps are deeply influenced by these particular descriptions of Richard’s Journal – he was after all drawing from his experience of coming out of Spiritual Enlightenment /institutionalized insanity – such that they are what is now happening to you, especially as you also noticed that “it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.” KUBA: Yes I am most likely deeply influenced by these descriptions but I wonder now if I have somewhat appropriated this drama in order to justify/ validate this resistance. That there is clearly something in ‘me’ that is not yet fully ready to proceed and so ‘I’ can make it seem legitimate by framing it in line with those descriptions. Which if this is the case that is great news haha, because it means it can be way easier than ‘I’ have been making it! VINEETO: Ah, that’s what I was thinking. KUBA: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare. How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this. VINEETO: I can understand that but this worry, as I said before, is beyond ‘your’ territory and a distraction. Remember what children get up to when they don’t want to go to bed? ‘You’ don’t want to go extinct. * VINEETO: ‘Vineeto’ deeply felt it many times in ‘her’ life, from the first moment when ‘she’ fell unconscious (due to low blood-pressure at the time). There was something so sweet, so enticing, so attractive, in those seconds before unconsciousness set in and similar in following events KUBA: Yes that is interesting because I have had the same experience when for example I have been weight lifting heavy and would go light headed, it was obviously not a PCE and yet there was something so delicious in ‘me’ getting to disappear for a bit and yet the awareness of being alive continuing. VINEETO: So you know this delicious feeling of taking a rest of ‘me’ … you can lean into that, that’s really what ‘I’ want, have a rest forever … KUBA: [Edit] It seems those stories of it not being enough to be me as-I-am are furphies. VINEETO: Ha, I am glad you can see that. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours. It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder. VINEETO: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it! KUBA: The below is perhaps the most wonderful description that I can think of, this is what ‘I’ desire and yet it is so weird that clearly something in ‘me’ is resisting the possibility of living this:
VINEETO: Yes, I remember experiencing this, such an amazing experience – the discovering of this magical wonderland – that was right after my guardian had abdicated and I was home free. [Edit]: Actually, it was the description after I became fully actually free. KUBA: Weirdly enough ‘I’ am extremely optimistic about it being possible now… Even though clearly ‘I’ do not yet know the way forward. Because now I see that there is something that ‘I’ am doing/ being which prevents it from happening, which means this “something” can be uncovered! So in short rather than soldiering through this “desert of monumental proportions”
‘I’ can continue allowing this ‘process’ and locate the root of the resistance – of what is keeping
‘me’ from allowing ‘my’ deeply yearned for oblivion, meanwhile avoiding getting drawn into any side mission
(which I have just averted this morning haha). VINEETO: Ah, I am glad you decided not to follow the ‘dutiful’ suggestion of your ‘controller’/ ‘feeler’ – they are up to no good. KUBA: Ok so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to
allow it to happen is a side mission! VINEETO: Bullseye! Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it! KUBA: Yes I fell for it again! Except this time I smelled a rat pretty quick. When I wrote those furphies out – and as gullible as I can be – even I wasn’t sold. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Isn’t it such fun! KUBA: But it was reading back over the below which made it click:
VINEETO: Just to put your mind at rest – Richard did many other things in his actually free life apart from sitting looking “out the window for hours”.
KUBA: I tried to find this someone/ something who is apparently not allowing me and then I realised that I have already abandoned ‘humanity’. So then it became clear… it is ‘my’ very survival instincts aka ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being that is the resistance, hence – “so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!” And what an amazing thing to discover this is! VINEETO: Yes it is a wonderful discovery and possibly ‘your’ last. ‘You’ no longer will have to justify ‘your’ fictious existence. KUBA: Indeed ‘I’ have been gullible all ‘my’ life, not only in believing in the authority of ‘human wisdom’ but in believing that the human condition is set in stone. I wrote in the past that ‘I’ am a coward, but actually I think it was the gullibility that came first ‘I’ was a coward because ‘I’ fell hook, line and sinker for those beliefs in the first place. VINEETO: Before you accuse your ‘self’ of even more flaws, let me remind you that children are gullible by necessity because of the preset conditions they are born into without a handbook (or reading skills) to start off with. They have to believe what they are told. It is an amazing feat to slowly extract oneself from this legacy of genetically endowed instinctual passions and feelings and the passed-on ‘wisdom’ of those who came before, and be able to sort out silly and sensible and even more so to become increasingly happy and harmless. KUBA: All along there was no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free, of dropping the burden that is ‘being’ itself. ‘I’ am the one (and only one) to allow ‘myself’ to go blessedly into oblivion. And ‘I’ already know without a shadow of a doubt that the world will be all the better for it. VINEETO: Indeed, after all the frightening, thrilling and daring experiences, in the end you find out that there is “no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free” – isn’t that in itself a hilarious proof of the benevolence of the universe and the beneficence of the human consciousness, which enables such revelation. KUBA: I remember you wrote to me a while ago asking (to the effect
of) – can you hear it yet? Indeed ‘I’ can now hear the sound of ‘my’ extinction approaching. VINEETO: I found it –
Yes, I can hear it too and this is wonderful to say the least. * KUBA: I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide. VINEETO: It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it. KUBA: Lol no wonder it was more of a comedy than a drama for Geoffrey, and why the business of becoming actually free is not a serious business at all. All this over ‘someone’ that does not exist in actuality. VINEETO: In the end when ‘you’ can see the fact, it’s always hilarious, but it can nevertheless feel very serious while one is trying to make sense of this strange and sometimes absurd situation all humans find themselves in. KUBA: I can see what Richard meant when he wrote in his journal:
VINEETO: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”? Ah, what a joy! Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”? KUBA: Haha well that is precisely on point, ‘I’ am just holding out in no man’s land at this point. Driving to work last night I thought exactly that, I found ‘myself’ so far away from ‘home’, a bit like those sci-fi movies where the characters leave for some far away planet, but I had not landed in terra Actualis yet either. The fear or weirdness didn’t play much part though, it was more like "wow I have not been this far out yet". For the first time there was this organic courage to proceed, it was thrilling. Because now having abandoned ‘humanity’ there was ‘no-one’ to go back to and ‘no-one’ to stop ‘me’ proceeding. So then ‘I’ was completely on ‘my’ own but not alone, it was quite incredible because it was as if I had finally located some semblance of individuality/ autonomy. I was happy to stand on my own two feet and to proceed on my own, finally I was proceeding like a pioneer! I thought about the fact that there are currently only a dozen or so people on this planet that live in this place where I am proceeding, how odd! This new land is rather unpopulated so far. But those individuals living there, they are exactly that – individuals. It is amazing to begin to locate a genuine individuality. I thought about you Vineeto that you actually do exist in this place where I am proceeding, where you are – “as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events”. I thought how you have been inviting us to join the party. That there is nothing to lose but ‘my’ shackles, this
makes a lot more sense now experientially, it seems very close indeed – as Richard wrote “so close as to be
already here”. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, “So close as to be already here” … it looks like you are now savouring the
ever-increasing splendour of ‘your’ approaching “blaze of glory” Here is what I am reminded of –
Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: “So close as to be already here” … it
looks like you are now savouring the ever-increasing splendour of ‘your’ approaching “blaze of glory” KUBA: Oh wow yes savouring indeed, I can hardly contain myself haha. I was driving from the shops with Sonya yesterday and I had a smile glued permanently to my face . To see that in actual freedom there is only enjoyment and appreciation, the method makes perfect sense all of a sudden! This morning ‘I’ have already said ‘my’ good-byes haha, now ‘I’ am happily
anticipating what will happen next. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I couldn’t resist. Did you really only now find out why the actualism method makes perfect sense? I had such a good laugh, thank you – and I am glad you understand experientially now. Enjoying and appreciating is indeed the beginning, the middle and the end and more of it beyond the end – one needs thorough practice to prepare for life in Terra Australis.;) Just as it says on the forth scrolling banner of This Moment of Being Alive –
Bye, bye ‘Kuba’, it was great fun knowing you. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: OK so update on how things have been going as ‘I’ am still here. The best way I can describe where I find myself lately is what Srinath wrote here There really isn’t anything else ‘I’ can do now, there aren’t even any more problems to solve even if ‘I’ was to go looking for them. What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do! Experientially it is almost like it does not reflect my experience properly to use the scare quotes anymore? Of course ‘I’ am still a ‘self’ but now it would be precise to say that ‘I’ am ‘my’ passions and ‘my’ passions are ‘me’, it seems that is virtually all that is left of ‘me’, whereas before ‘I’ was a psychological operation on top of / arising out of those passions. The main way that ‘I’ can tell that ‘I’ am still here is those very passions burning away, without them ‘I’ would no longer exist. Exactly as Srinath wrote – “It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place… The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance”. So by all means this seems to be great news, because now it is only self-immolation that is left, the only other thing that can be done, there is literally nothing else I can do. There have been many times in the past week or so that it seemed like it could happen at any moment, like everything that I could do has been done and everything that could be in place to ensure it happens, has also been done. So ‘I’ have been doing nothing, even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on because that is still something that ‘I’ would be doing. Basically it has been happening and ‘I’ have been doing nothing, being insubstantial ‘I’ cannot do anything anyways. I think this is as much as I can write which accurately describes what has been going on. It
seems something needs to trigger the altruism at this point? VINEETO: Hi Kuba, What a wonderful report. Even though you say “even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on”, you still have the opportunity to ‘lean into’ the growing stillness whenever it beckons. This seems to be a bit of a challenge (naturally), because further above you say “What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do!” Perhaps this section of Richard’s journal can give you the reassurance that being still, doing nothing, savouring the “nothing to do” stage – without impatience, guilt, questioning or labelling it as something negative or something amiss – and instead fully embracing, welcoming, enjoying and appreciating every single moment. It will be now when it happens, you can’t miss it.
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Ah yes thank you I understand this, I have been “leaning into it” indeed, and as you wrote there was a worry that perhaps I have missed something else that ‘I’ could be doing. I can see that this stillness which I can “lean into” is all that is left when ‘I’ disappear. I could see this yesterday, that there is the ‘activity’ that happens inside of the psyche (the instinctual passions in operation) and yet in actuality there is the stillness, and it is always this moment. It is something I am not yet accustomed to, to “lean into” that stillness, I could see
yesterday that this stillness is where you write from. I noticed it around the “what is pure intent”
discussion, that all this ‘psychic activity’ – which had us feeling beings jumping from one side to the other
– you never experienced any of that, and you wrote from the stillness. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Yes, “this stillness … is all that is left when ‘I’ disappear.” And this is truly wonderful. ‘Stillness’ was the word I looked for in Richard’s journal when I found the quote I sent to you. It is a privilege to be so deeply (apperceptively) understood. Much appreciation, Kuba. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Things have been going so marvellously, I can’t quite believe the words I am typing out and yet this is precisely how I am experiencing being alive more and more. Yesterday for the majority of the day it was like this. The word that kept coming to my mind was that the entire world, including myself is a perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight. And the word “jewel” is quite apt because it is exactly like that, in that the light shines through freely, highlighting the utter perfection of it all. The same thing happens to the whole world including myself when the ‘grimy’ energy of ‘me’ is out of the way, revealing the perfection that is all around, through and through. At times I thought maybe I had become actually free and missed it, that is how perfect and pure it was. But each time I was able to find that %00.01 that still remained of ‘me’. Having woken up in the morning now there is that usual flood of affect that typically fades away pretty soon, but even so it seems that this perfection and purity does not leave me alone! It is all around still and it visited me again in full flavour as I was having a cigarette in the garden, all of a sudden the world is once more that perfect and pure jewel. I spent the majority of the day yesterday driving around job to job through the English countryside, it was a glorious day and I can truly say that I was having the time of my life, in awe at this wonderful world that we live in. At times I was gob-smacked at the sheer delight of it all, I thought surely it cannot get more brilliant than this, and then there was more! And indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience, as Srinath wrote it is our “rock solid inheritance”, it is where this body, that body and everybody actually exist. So there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world, that eventually I will turn around and the door back to ‘reality’ will disappear, it will have never existed in the first place, there will be nothing or ‘no-one’ to go back to. So this fear of “I am not good enough” was a furphy, because ‘I’ will not be around to decide such things. When I arrived at my second hen party yesterday I was able to interact with the group in a way that I never knew was possible. It was everything ‘I’ have ever wanted, to be able to be fun and playful , to have nothing of me hidden, and yet for it to be so safe for all. And the group appreciated this immensely, they couldn’t stop mentioning it! So this left me with utter confidence that actual freedom is beneficial in every regard, there is no draw back. When ‘I’ disappear there is nothing missing, it’s not like someone has removed a piece of hardware from a system and now the operations have to be re-routed, it’s more like someone has deleted a virus. Without ‘me’ this body has this organic integrity, it is all so seamless, how it should be. It was great that I was able to confirm for myself that it is safe to proceed towards the
perfection and purity both with regards to the physical world and to my interactions with my fellow human beings. In
both cases the outcome is just marvellous in every regard. Yesterday I called it the “gift that keeps on
giving”, except there is no cap to it, there is just more and more. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Your reports are becoming more and more marvellous and mirificent. And you describe that you have finally and irrevocably given yourself permission that it doesn’t matter if ‘you’ are ‘good enough’ or not because ‘you’ will gladly go into oblivion when ‘you’ are ready. I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep or something else? Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway. I particular like your description that “indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience” because that was also ‘Vineeto’s’ experience in ‘her’ last days. It is dynamic, not static like a PCE. Also when you say “there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world” you are clearly reporting from the perspective of actuality, and as Richard described, you can’t distinguish if ‘you’ are doing it or if it is happening to ‘you’ –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Ah and now I can tell what was “missing” yesterday, the thing that is still to come, why it was not actual freedom yet – it is the stillness. I have been experiencing it more and more, becoming accustomed to it. Finally I understood experientially what Richard meant when he wrote “I am the utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness” – that is exactly what it is like. I experienced it the other day when I was eating dinner, I don’t think I can add any more to Richard’s description. So yes there is this perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight, that is what this world and
this body is and yet there is still something else to come, which is the stillness. It seems the stillness is
experienced through that “existential sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent
when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for good. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Yes, this is when it happens –
Ha, there will be no opportunity to ‘test’ if that stillness is safe, it is irrevocable. This stillness which is, as you say “experienced through that “existential
sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for
good”. This stillness is “the essential character of the infinitude of the
universe”, the be all and end all of everything apparent … “the intrinsic
basis of everything. It is this universe at its genesis. It is not, as it might commonly be supposed, at the centre of
everything ... there is no centre here. This stillness, which is everywhere all at once, is the be all and end all of
life itself. I am the universe experiencing itself as a sensate, reflective human being.” Every time I read this piece I am touched by the ever-freshness of the words and the experience of it; it is simply magnificent. This is your destiny. What utter delight! Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Ha it does get pretty tricky to describe these things at this point, precisely because of this - “one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.” I was doing some gymnastics for it to make sense and still not happy with the descriptions . ‘Me’ giving permission to have it happen now and it happening
is one and the same thing. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Ha, that is funny. You can just describe what is happening, whatever ‘me’ is doing is pretty irrelevant at this point. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/ feeling before going to sleep or something else? Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway. KUBA: OK so this has indeed been revealing itself, it’s interesting how nothing at all can/will remain hidden. It is certainly not a seed from the last thought/ feeling before going to sleep, initially I wanted to say that it is resentment and it is a similar flavour to this. It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’, the burden of living ‘my’ life, it is interesting that something like this still remains. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, This is fascinating. So my curiosity has indeed produced something hidden. What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion. ‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba. KUBA: It seems that each day I successfully manage to get back to riding the wave of enjoyment and appreciation after this initial bump but it seems the root cause of it has remained unaddressed, the question is why is there this bump to get over in the first place. A good way I could describe this feeling (and this mirrors what Henry Indeed this word has been on my mind a lot lately, in that ‘my’ core function is to be ‘surviving’ ‘my’ way through life, this is 180 degrees opposite to living in gay abandon. ‘I’ instinctually feel threatened and so ‘I’ am consistently dealing with ‘threats’, this is why life in the real world is a grim and glum business. VINEETO: Well, all this gay abandon during most of your day makes it more and more clear to ‘you’ that ‘you’ keeping up the “weight” and “the burden of living ‘my’ life” is a purpose-less effort, an unrewarding task, an ultimately useless enterprise. And this insight is not merely a cognitive realisation but deeply felt at the depth of ‘me’. It appears, that with a bit of experiential reassurance (as you describe below is happening) ‘I’ can be confident that it won’t do any harm to the flesh-and-blood body Kuba when ‘I’ indeed lay down ‘my’ burden and let the universe live Kuba’s life. In other words, ‘I’ am ready and willing, in fact eager, to cooperate with ‘my’ demise. The fight has ended. KUBA: What I experienced this weekend gone was a peek into where I am proceeding, into what is possible. This week it seems those things which prevent experiencing life like so have been brought out into the open. As in it is clear that ‘surviving’ and living in gay abandon are in 2 different directions. All in all experiencing these feelings now is nowhere near as intense and dramatic as it was a few weeks ago, it’s like those intensely passionate reactions have worn themselves out, ‘I’ cannot go back to resisting things in the same way anymore. ‘I’ am now just a nuisance to what would otherwise be a thoroughly delightful existence. A handful of times this week I experienced / was the “utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness”, each time it happened without any prompt. It is always amazing that no matter how good things are for ‘me’ when that “last layer” is peeled back it is as if a whole new dimension has taken place. The difference between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and actuality is so huge! I am reminded of what Richard wrote in that actuality has never known any threat nor ever will. I can see now so clearly that all of the dramas that ‘I’ went through, they were simply the instinctual passions in operation, whatever specific way in which ‘I’ played those out was ultimately irrelevant, they were the screams of a dying ‘entity’. And indeed this is how all ‘feeling beings’ operate, at core all the same, going about and blindly/ automatically/ instinctually becoming threatened by this or that. By the time ‘I’ as the thinker come into the situation those instinctual reactions have already happened, whatever explanation ‘I’ come up with at that point is ultimately meaningless. It is neat to see this so clearly because that is why the actualism method works, by tracing back to the initial moment ‘I’ became triggered rather than spiralling around in those post facto explanations one is able to get back to feeling good. All of that ‘investigation’ that one is doing whilst feeling bad is just ‘me’ marinating around in sorrow and malice. VINEETO: This is a wonderful report. And it all happens of its own accord. Just remember that ‘I’ am now an ally. KUBA: The other thing related to this is that I have become aware recently of just how much ‘human’ interaction happens on a level that has nothing at all to do with the ‘thinker/ doer’, and it is the vast majority. It is quite breathtaking actually, and the weirdest thing is that as an identity one is largely blind to this. It makes complete sense now why for an actually free person the human condition is all out in the open, the various ‘me’s’ can try to hide it but ‘they’ cannot haha. So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to
do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote
there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning,
the middle and the end. VINEETO: Yes, that is correct in a general sense, and that was the very reason feeling being ‘Vineeto’ always felt uneasy when interacting with Richard – as I told you a while ago –
In actuality, an actually free person only meets flesh-and-blood bodies. Furthermore, pure intent guarantees one’s actions to always be benevolent and beneficent, regardless of any ‘hidden secrets’ revealed. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion. ‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba. KUBA: Yes this is exactly correct! Driving home just now ‘I’ put this as an actual proposition to ‘myself’ – “Do ‘I’ want to go away on a holiday and never ever come back?”, the initial response was exactly that this is indeed what ‘I’ want, shortly following it was this sense of “but am ‘I’ allowed?”. VINEETO: So are you giving yourself permission now? KUBA: Yet as you wrote :
So not only is it a burden and against what ‘I’ wish for but on top of that it is a “ultimately useless enterprise”. I know that there is ‘no-one’ stopping ‘me’ but ‘myself’ so the only thing left now is for ‘me’ to grant this permission, so yes indeed things are looking good! VINEETO: So are you giving yourself permission now? KUBA: It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making
‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was
very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’
side it didn’t always look so good. Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism. VINEETO: I understand why you call it optimism, but actually, it’s your destiny. You are not a person to be content with failure, or are you? Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Just remember that ‘I’ am now an ally. KUBA: Yes I can see this more and more these days, it was why I wrote:
‘I’ am the reason why this body and that body is here in the first place, without ‘me’ all this which is possible now could not have happened. It is only that now ‘I’ am no longer required, ‘my’ services are now a hindrance. Those passions which are responsible for the wars, rapes, suicides etc were also a necessity to get life thus far, this is a fact. So ‘I’ retire with a “job well done”. VINEETO: So far so good. KUBA: ‘I’ am a passionate protector, ‘my’ job/burden being to ensure the continuation of the species. ‘I’ will not relinquish control over this body unless ‘I’ am completely sure that it will be better off without ‘me’. VINEETO: Ok, ok, but it reads as if ‘you’ wrote yourself a new script why ‘your’
existence has a continued purpose after all. I had the impression from your previous post KUBA: So indeed ‘I’ will be an ally in all this, ‘I’
first became an ally when ‘I’ allowed pure intent to live ‘my’ life. VINEETO: Then why is this sentence written in future tense? Wiggling? Addicted to the ‘invisible wall’ of that video? KUBA: In fact seeing so clearly just what ‘I’ am means that
it must be possible for ‘me’ to self-immolate. Of course the passionate protector can altruistically self immolate
for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody, that is what ‘I’ am, it is ‘my’ destiny. VINEETO: Ha, you just made my previous comments redundant – that’s the best way. Enjoy them anyway. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, VINEETO: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. (…) KUBA: I have been looking at this the past few days, initially I tried to somewhat ‘push past’ this feeling but I realised that this is just ‘me’ running into that ‘invisible wall’ over and over again haha. I also tried to ‘ride it out’ but I notice that this feeling, it has unlimited energy, it seems it has no end… So then I changed my approach and began to consider that perhaps there is something to be found there, that perhaps this feeling contains the seed for ‘my’ undoing, so since last night I have been applying a fascinated attention to it. This morning I looked at this feeling and found ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being. What Richard wrote came to mind:
I have seen ‘myself’ like this before but this time I could see that the only way that this painful condition can end is for ‘me’ to die. Seeing this caused quite a strong visceral reaction in ‘me’, it sunk in exactly what has to happen, the only way out for ‘me’. So the door to ‘my’ destiny, to what ‘I’ desire the most is guarded by ‘my’ fear of death. I can see that this is what all the various ‘me’s’ desire, to cease ‘being’, and yet ‘I’ am kept in place by ‘my’ fear of death. This is why ‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’. The way out of this predicament is available, but it requires something to be done that ‘I’ cannot quite fathom doing/ allowing. The fear of death keeps both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ in place, forever suffering. So it seems ‘I’ am contemplating that which is “not permissible”, not so much by the ‘wisdom’ of ‘humanity’ but rather by the very force of ‘my’ being. Just to add – although I wrote it is “not permissible” nevertheless it is exactly what ‘I’
am contemplating as an actual possibility, it is very thrilling, ‘I’ am going to die and this is exciting. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, So “the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” has come to fruition – you have seen ‘me’ at ‘my’ very core and understood existentially that there is no solution whatsoever but for ‘you’ to give permission to – something which both ‘you’ and you desire most. It is very perspicacious to recognize that “‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’”, and you have so far stayed loyal to this pact. Now you refuse to suffer any longer and with this demonstrate that the pact is not unbreakable for everyone to do likewise. One thing you have not yet spelt out today, yet I suspect it is always there in the background since you wrote it on March 8 this year –
With the thrilling permission for ‘you’ to die and the passionate care to be innocence personified in place you have blessed set in motion your demise – nothing can go wrong.
Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: One thing you have not yet spelt out today, yet I suspect it is always there in the background since you wrote it on March 8 this year – KUBA: Yes it is, just a couple of days ago when I was so close to the actual world I was having these exact thoughts, that this is what I always wanted to be – innocence personified. Also it is such a joy these days to experience myself more and more as the near-innocence of naiveté, to be (as far as an identity can be) liking and likeable, caring and considerate, benevolent and beneficial. It reminds me of Richard writing about someone undertaking a “challenge” to be nice to everybody for a day, and Richard finding it so odd/funny that it would be a challenge in the first place! It is so nice to deal with customers at work and to be genuinely helpful, or to go teach some BJJ and see that those present are enjoying their time as well as drawing something beneficial from the interaction, to work at a hen party and facilitate a safe but fun atmosphere for all, to genuinely care for Sonya as a fellow human being. For all of the above to be an “of course”. And these are all just the virtual benevolence and benignity, the best that ‘I’ can muster. It must be the most incredible thing to be that very benevolence and benignity, with no cap to it as such, no way to give to some and withdraw from others, and with the 100% certainty that nothing dirty could ever seep its way in. I’m not scared of it anymore, it felt a bit too intimate initially to allow this near-innocence. That somehow people would find me weird, or too much or whatever, but I can see that it has been beneficial in every way. Contemplating all this it’s kind of weird looking back to the real world, where apparently one
has only the options of being ‘happy’ and selfish or unhappy and ‘selfless’. And actually it is so delightful
to be harmless, happiness and harmless cannot be separated out, it is 1 delicious package.
KUBA: Ok so I think it’s about time to write some kind of an update, even though not much has been going on recently.
It seems this is exactly the case recently, everything/ anything that ‘I’ could do has been done, however there is 1 exception in that ‘my’ very being is not in full agreement yet. Those passions are still burning away and it is different than in the past because there is not any specific triggers or any aspects of ‘my’ social identity that can be chipped away at here. ‘I’ am screaming around for no apparent reason, although even those ‘screams’ are no longer as overwhelming as in the past, they are getting progressively quieter. There are times when those screams will temporarily wear themselves out and then I find myself here where this moment is happening, not a PCE but still very close to the actual world. When this happens it is so clear that ‘I’ am the thing spoiling/ getting in the way of perfection, perfection is all around but with ‘me’ ‘screaming’ constantly it cannot be seen or appreciated. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Thank you for the update. It is very graphic the way you describe how you presently experience being alive (“‘me’ ‘screaming’ constantly”), so much so that what came to mind was what Richard wrote about being friends with oneself –
You also describe that “those passions are still burning away” and “‘I’ am screaming around for no apparent reason”. What you could do instead is channelling those “burning”, “screaming” passions into affective felicitous and innocuous passions, just like (I presume) you did with sorrowful and malicious feelings before. Why are ‘you’ screaming (and perhaps kicking) if you really followed Richard’s suggestion from the quote you gave above – “An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before”? KUBA: The other day as I was driving I had a glimpse of what it means to be innocence personified, that without ‘me’ there is an immaculate purity permeating everything and it is so clean, with not even a trace of ‘dirt’, to be that purity is to be innocence personified. Shortly after this happened I could see ‘my’ place from a different vantage point, it gave me a lot of confidence that it is safe for ‘me’ to die. VINEETO: You may be perceiving it to be “safe” to die, but do you
willingly and gladly agree to blessedly Would you treat any of your fellow human beings the way you seem to be treating yourself such that you are “‘screaming’ constantly”? How can you agree to this noble self-sacrifice, when there is neither respect nor appreciation, neither dignity nor admiration for “‘my’ most supreme donation”? KUBA: Usually ‘I’ am seen as the only thing in existence and so to contemplate ‘my’ death is to contemplate the end of everything, very scary business! But since then I have seen ‘myself’ differently, this diagram that I made a while back actually depicts it quite well :
VINEETO: I like the diagram – it is simple and self-explanatory. KUBA: In that there is the “field” of apperceptive awareness which ultimately precedes ‘me’, this apperceptive awareness allows the seeing of ‘me’ in ‘my’ proper place, which is not that important at all! Essentially this means that there is this entire world going on outside of ‘my’ self centred bubble. I could see from that vantage point that it is very possible for ‘me’ to disappear, it is just in a direction which ‘I’ don’t normally see or know that it exists, the apperceptive seeing showed that this direction is there to be taken and that it exists just outside of ‘me’. So yes by all means everything seems in place but as above ‘my’ being is still trying to ‘survive’ or perhaps
it’s slowly dying, those passions are still burning away to some degree which means that ‘I’ am not in full
agreement, yet. VINEETO: You seem to have turned this originally apperceptive seeing into a concept (“‘my’ proper place”) by which to treat you, ‘your’ ‘being’, as the antagonist who will not do as your concept demands. It is not for nothing that the actualism method is about enjoyment and appreciation, all the way. In other words, you have the option to enjoy and appreciate your slowly coming to terms with your being redundant. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: I know you are onto something here Vineeto because recently I have observed a certain severity in my relating with Sonya, a kind of fierce, unforgiving, sharp energy, this is the outcome of not being friends with ‘myself’. Now that same fierceness that ‘I’ apply to ‘myself’ has spilled out onto others. VINEETO: Would you treat any of your fellow human beings the way you seem to be treating yourself such that you are “‘screaming’ constantly”? KUBA: Well except those above mentioned events no I wouldn’t, as in I would not wish for them to carry that burden for even a second when it is not required, but it seems ‘I’ do not afford ‘myself’ that same treatment, funnily enough in the long run it means ‘I’ don’t afford others that treatment either. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Yes, that is exactly it – when you treat yourself badly it does result in you consequently treating others badly too, plus emanating negative vibes as well. Perhaps this recognition might give you an incentive to become more friendly, less demanding, less pushing with yourself. KUBA: So yes it is as Richard wrote : “... eventually ‘I’ come to realise that the very best thing that ‘I’ can do is altruistically
‘self’-immolate for the benefit of this body and all bodies”. It’s a circle of sorrow and malice, ‘I’ don’t allow ‘myself’ to drop the burden and so ‘I’ suffer, despite ‘my’ best intentions ‘I’ end up hurting others too. And the more severe ‘I’ become with ‘myself’ the more we all hurt in the end. VINEETO: I am pleased you can see that. At present it’s not about “to drop the burden” but to drop the need to control and to get back to feeling good in order to step out of the cycle “of sorrow and malice”. When there is no moral demand on yourself but sheer enjoyment and appreciation for the thrilling process which is happening of its own accord, especially when ‘you’ don’t interfere, then there is no room to be impatient, to suffer and hurt others. KUBA: Allowing ‘myself’ to drop the burden is the way out of this. Otherwise ‘I’ remain hurt and continue hurting others too, despite ‘my’ best intentions. So this is where I am not at fully yet, in that I do not see without a shadow of a doubt that “the very best thing
that ‘I’ can do is altruistically ‘self’-immolate for the benefit of this body and all bodies”. But I see
it more now after what you have pointed out, as in I see the pointless and circular nature of suffering in any degree,
not just for ‘me’ but for everybody. VINEETO: The way out of this is to get back to feeling good and then enjoy and appreciate this unique and exciting adventure of a lifetime. “The more severe ‘I’ become with ‘myself’” is another way of saying you want to control the way it is going to happen … and that is not possible by the very nature of ‘self’-immolation –
It is really hard to sit back and enjoy the ride, isn’t it? Cheers Vineeto * KUBA: Thank you Vineeto, your replies are very useful here. I should have written a while ago, that would have been less time wasted! So essentially it’s like this – ‘my’ most supreme donation comes from felicity and innocuity, from enjoyment and appreciation, that is how it is a gift freely (and happily) given. Whereas ‘I’ have been trying to deliver it from some kind of morality/control/seriousness and
the product so far has been more suffering… VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Well said. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: The way out of this is to get back to feeling good and then enjoy and appreciate this unique and exciting adventure of a lifetime. “The more severe ‘I’ become with ‘myself’” is another way of saying you want to control the way it is going to happen … and that is not possible by the very nature of ‘self’-immolation – VINEETO: It is not for nothing that the actualism method is about enjoyment and appreciation, all the way. In other words, you have the option to enjoy and appreciate your slowly coming to terms with your being redundant. VINEETO: What you could do instead is channelling those “burning”, “screaming” passions into affective felicitous and innocuous passions KUBA: This was such great advice! It did not occur to me that I could do this, instead I was trying to sort of “tough it out”, but where is the fun, adventure and thrill in that. No wonder it became some kind of a serious, almost moralistic thing. I was just waiting for it to end as opposed to enjoying and appreciating the thrilling ride. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I find it amusing that after so many years of applying actualism and being close to your intended goal of reaching your destiny, as you have been telling us all for some time (so it must be so), I remind you of the 101 tool of the actualism method and you tell me that “it did not occur to me that I could do this”. Just to put in an additional plug for the method Richard devised and used with success –
Richard also said that he experienced as an artist, how at time “the painting painted itself” and he wanted his life to live itself as well. The way it works with art is that one practices the skills and tools of the craft until they become second nature and one becomes a very good crafts-person. Then, and only then it is possible for ‘me’ to get out of the way and let the painting/ sculpture/ pottery/ etc. make itself – this is when craft becomes art. The same happens with the actualism method – when applied with diligence and persistence until enjoyment and appreciation become second nature, come what may, when this becomes a habitual way of life, then the craft can become art when the controller steps out of the way, naiveté becomes the norm and life is allowed to live itself. That is when the actualism process takes over and one can sit back and enjoy and appreciate a ride of a life-time.
KUBA: So even those instinctual passionate reactions which come as a result of ‘my’ approaching demise can be turned into enjoyment and appreciation. Perhaps there was some kind of a feeling/ belief that altruistic self-immolation must be a serious affair, but something which you wrote Vineeto came to mind yesterday, to paraphrase you wrote that the last step can be taken with a “hop and a skip”. This is possible only when all of ‘me’ is on board, and how else for ‘me’ to get on board than to welcome ‘my’ destiny, it is the powerful affective energy of felicity and innocuity which can allow something so ‘big’ to disappear forever with a “hop and a skip”. VINEETO: I searched through everything I have written and could find neither “hop” nor “skip”, perhaps you can find it. I found this –
It is not surprising though that you so willingly believed that “self-immolation must be a serious affair” – the very survival passions induce this belief/ imagination that it is a big deal and that you must suffer for even wanting it. But upon closer inspection this too is a furphy. KUBA: How amazing that with the seriousness fading the world
around has now changed also! I see now that indeed ‘I’ cannot control the ways and means of self-immolation, that
would be a contradiction in terms, ‘I’ only enjoy and appreciate the thrilling ride and remain out from control. VINEETO: I am so very pleased that you can see this now – it will make ‘your’ last days so much more fun. KUBA: This is in the other direction to what ‘I’ was doing before, ‘I’ was holding onto and nourishing the seriousness, trying to self-immolate from the seriousness. Of course this can never work, I see this energy of seriousness for what it is now, it will never deliver the goods, it can be discarded now. VINEETO: So there is no seriousness in actual freedom, how could seriousness ever assist
with becoming actually free. In fact it does the precise opposite, it anchors ‘me’ as a ‘being’. Yes, the very seriousness is nourishing the passionate illusion that ‘I’ am very, very important (a matter of life and death in fact) and therefore cannot abdicate the throne. KUBA: A lot of posts today. OK so I can see with this energy of seriousness, there was some kind of attachment that ‘I’ had to it, that ‘I’ felt it was needed. I have been looking at this, the question of why is any seriousness needed? VINEETO: What I can see so far is this feeling/ belief that seriousness provides meaning, that it is ‘deep’, that to fully appreciate what it means to be a human being requires seriousness. I realise as I am typing this out, what utter garbage it is! This is nothing short of saying that suffering is required for meaning. But that is the thrust of this belief, that in order to demonstrate caring one has to become seriously involved. Sometimes it is enough to see your belief in print in order to recognize how silly it is. And so everyone goes around, earnestly and seriously perpetuating the suffering that supposedly provides meaning to one’s life. KUBA: But I see that this is not so, that life can be enjoyed and appreciated fully without a shred of seriousness. It is still something new though, like an open question – Is it possible to cast out any and all seriousness for good and to live life in full meaning. VINEETO: I see that the universe has already ensured that seriousness plays no part,
because of the facticity of death. ‘I’ can only kid ‘myself’ that something is serious, by believing that it is
ultimately lasting. Only the universe exists eternally and it has no need for seriousness as it is absolute. ‘I’
want seriousness as it gives ‘me’ a shot at eternity, at immortality. ‘I’ want to build that which is
ultimately lasting – that is the very thrust of ‘my’ seriousness, it is 180 degrees opposite to simply being here
to play. So I see why ‘I’ was invested in the seriousness, it does anchor ‘me’ as a ‘being’, to cast out
all seriousness is to say a resounding YES to being alive, and to death also. Indeed, and not only does it anchor you to an imagined immortality but to ‘humanity’ as well
– how dare you having fun while everyone is suffering. Here are two links where Richard was attacked by several
correspondents for not duly suffering when a seismic sea-wave event happened – (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 56c, 12 January 2005 And exactly because seriousness/ suffering anchors and empowers ‘you’ “to build that which is ultimately lasting”, it is in your best interest to not be serious but naïvely enjoy and appreciate and cherish and marvel being here on this amazing planet we all share. There is no better way to fulfil your destiny. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: And if ‘I’ was to get ‘my’ way and things were of a
lasting importance, that is not a good outcome at all, life would be a serious business. And if ‘I’ was to live
eternally, what about those other human beings that are yet to be born, they would never get to experience the joy of
being alive. How weird that the thing which is felt/ believed to be at core what is ‘wrong’ with the universe –
mortality – is what in the grand scheme of things ensures a happiness and harmlessness for all. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, This is not the only thing where feeling beings have a diametrically opposite affective assessment regarding “the grand scheme of things”. Just for one instance, one of the most common objections to actualism is that there are no feelings/ emotions in actuality, whilst for most people their feelings are one of the most highly valued aspects of being human. The same goes for the imaginative faculty. KUBA: So it seems what I have been circling here is that even ‘my’ death is not a serious business. I can see that I was able to enjoy and appreciate and to remove seriousness from most aspects of my life but it is as if ‘I’ reserved a special place for it where it concerned arriving at ‘my’ destiny. This 1 thing seemed worthy enough to be serious about, that it was ‘worthy enough’ to forego enjoyment and appreciation for this 1 goal. But I see now that there was never a need to get serious at all, which means the way forward is
enjoyment and appreciation anyways. VINEETO: You have been busy with the topic of mortality for a long time (for instance here
In fact, there is an existential joke in it all, which you can only fully appreciate when you dare to allow the final step, which is that you will then experientially know, and on an ongoing basis to boot, that ‘I’/ ‘me’ never existed in the first place –
With that in mind, enjoying and appreciating the final scene of the “emotional play in a fertile imagination” is the only sensible thing to do. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: With that in mind, enjoying and appreciating the final scene of the “emotional play in a fertile imagination” is the only sensible thing to do. KUBA: OK so what I get from this (and also linking it back to my previous post above) is that the ‘final scene’ will be somewhat dramatic however I do not have to get serious about it. VINEETO: Mmh, you seem to have not only skipped Richard’s quotes but overlooked them altogether –
When you say “will be somewhat dramatic” are you possibly referring to the quality of what ‘drama’ can mean – synonyms: play, show, piece, spectacle, dramatization, screenplay, theatrics, performance (Oxford Dictionary)? Or are you rather thinking of “dramatic” as in “action-packed, hair-raising, impassioned, melodramatic” (Oxford Dictionary)? It is ‘your’ drama/ play and you can play it out however you like, you are the scriptwriter,
the protagonist, the director and the producer – it can even be a comedy (as Geoffrey’s was Perhaps you can also spare a consideration, if possible, for your post-mortem audience who will be
either encouraged/ enticed or discouraged/ frightened by the choice of your final scene. And just that there is no
misunderstanding, the choice is not made by ‘I’, the controller, but via an ‘Exquisite Awareness-Cum-Attentiveness’ KUBA: Those passionate instinctual reactions will happen as ‘I’ approach ‘my’ demise, this is par for the course. However instead of becoming serious I can enjoy and appreciate it for the thrilling adventure that it is. Which this brings the benefit of no longer having to control anything. After all, they are the ones who you intend to do this altruistic self-sacrifice for. It is exactly like being on a rollercoaster ride, in that fear is there and yet this is something
people pay money to do, and it is not serious at all. Once the fear is converted into thrill it becomes enjoyable. Or
by the same token it is the same as paying money to go to the cinema/theatre to sit back and enjoy a
drama. Are you saying that I can enjoy and appreciate whatever is going on at this point in this manner? VINEETO: It is not necessarily “par for the course” – you have done this replay of “passionate instinctual reactions” umpteen times, and recognized and described them well. You know them well, and when the drama was over there was nothing left but hot air – and you were again free to enjoy and delight and cherish being here. Here is what you said in a previous post –
Once you widen the presently self-oriented perspective and realize (and actualize) that you are doing this altruistically for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody, then ‘my’ death is no longer at centre stage and hence no longer the very serious business it has been so far. I refer to Geoffrey’s report again – he says is better than I ever could –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: OK so things are getting pretty fun! Something clicked the other day with regards to control or with regards to ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, and it is that ‘I’ don’t even exist . Of course there is an ‘I’ currently in residence inside the flesh and blood body called Kuba, but ‘I’ am an illusion. It’s odd in that deep down ‘I’ already know this but I guess this hasn’t yet fully worked it’s way through the totality of ‘me’. So ‘I’ am here on one hand and yet on the other hand ‘I’ know (experientially) that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion. The fun part is that this has now flipped from being a serious affair and over to enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon. Because ‘I’ don’t have to worry about anything anymore, ‘I’ don’t have to do anything anymore etc. It’s not that ‘I’ release the reins, it’s more that it is realised ‘I’ never existed in the first place. I remember a few years ago a brief PCE where the breath breathed itself, this exact experience was what got me back onto the wide and wondrous path after a long lay off. I remember the incredible sense of release in seeing that just like the breath breathed itself, life lives itself. And now I am starting to experience life in this manner, that everything is already always in
place and has been all along, life was perfect all this time and ‘I’ only believed that ‘I’ existed – that is
the crux of it all. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, It does sound wonderful and fun and it is great you enjoy letting go of the controls of ‘me’ living ‘my’ life. But something doesn’t seem quite right. When you “know (experientially) that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion” then the illusion disappears, just like when you see through a belief and discover the fact, you cannot make this fact unseen and go back to take up the belief again. I wonder (and I can be wrong) if that ‘knowing’ “that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion” is merely a narrative providing the veil which prevents the final altruistic act of immolation for the benefit of this body and every body to become actuality. Only the genuine permission to go into oblivion will do the trick.
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, Thank you for this suggestion and I am considering it thoroughly.
It is odd because on one hand it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find anything that can tether ‘me’ for a little bit longer, that self-immolation will always be just in the future and as such never happen now. On the other hand this same ‘I’ with clear knowledge of what is ahead of him, has devoted ‘his’ life to pursuing the goal which ends in this very self-immolation. And ‘he’ didn’t just treat it as some far out idea but ‘he’ has devoted ‘himself’ thoroughly to this goal each moment again. So ‘I’ have done all ‘I’ can to ensure ‘my’ self-immolation and yet it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find the flimsiest of things which can keep ‘me’ in existence. ‘I’ am instinctually holding back that which ‘I’ want more than anything else. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, I have followed your process in the last 10 months and seen your persistent dedication and devotion to becoming actually free. When you say “‘I’ am instinctually holding back” only you can know if that is the case or merely an intellectual deduction. Because, as Richard said in his Journal–
KUBA: For it to actually happen it must happen now, so it
seems ‘I’ am using this narrative to ensure that it is still in the future, even if just by 1 second. VINEETO: Your impatience of “it must happen now” is entirely superfluous because when you have “superb confidence and over-weening optimism” that it will happen when the time is ripe, you can fully enjoy and appreciate in gay abandon – just as you described it in your last message –
I found a correspondence in which Richard sums up the last phase of the actualism process, and perhaps here you can find a pointer for yourself –
Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Yes ok I see what ‘I’ did, in that yesterday I was initially proceeding in this direction of - “Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around”, I was looking at ‘my’ life as if slowly eroding and there was a “superb confidence and over-weening optimism”. Then you made a suggestion of something that could perhaps expose another way in which ‘I’ am standing in the way of ‘my’ self immolation – VINEETO: I wonder (and I can be wrong) if that ‘knowing’ “that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion” is merely a narrative providing the veil which prevents the final altruistic act of immolation for the benefit of this body and every body to become actuality. KUBA: And instead of allowing this possibility to be considered in that same fashion ‘I’ went and pulled out all ‘my’ heavy artillery once more. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Well, perhaps this is an indicator that the time is not ripe and you need to do some more marvelling of being here and enjoy living in gay abandon and slowly getting used to “‘me’ gladly and blessedly stepping back”. Tough job for a life-long ‘high achiever’. KUBA: You have repeated this advice many times now, that “‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen” and that ‘my’ challenge is to “do nothing” and to simply enjoy and appreciate this last stage of the actualism process. It is starting to click now, it was tricky because for ‘me’ to realise and actualise that ‘I’ am redundant it is like a different direction than any in which ‘I’ have travelled in the past. It is like ‘I’ have all these tools or actions of which ‘I’ am capable of and each one of them only reinforces ‘me’ as an identity, so each one is not only useless at this point but also works actively against achieving my goal. The only worthy ‘action’ (if it could be called that) for ‘me’ at this point is to enjoy and appreciate in gay abandon. Although enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon is more a result of ‘me’ gladly and blessedly stepping back and luxuriating in the fact that ‘I’ am not required, rather than bringing in ‘my’ heavy artillery and making things sudorific. VINEETO: I do appreciate and understand from experience that it takes practice to change the habit of a lifetime to actively respond as the ‘doer’ to the challenges life presents. Now is the turning point where you begin to realize that it is far more beneficial to allow life to live you and “stand still”, i.e. choose neither direction of the affective see-saw of action. Perhaps you can appreciate this process yourself, and value the radical newness of it – at least then you don’t have to depreciate yourself, be hard on yourself, when it appears not to have a straight and immediate result. KUBA: At times it seems I am just going round in circles, this is where I will feel insecure about simply wasting your time responding. But it is more like I am spiralling, sometimes I will go over the same territory if only to realise for sure that the answer is not to be found there. I know I am not simply going around in circles now because for example those fearful reactions around self-immolation are no more. And now that I look back over the last 10 months there are so many things like this, various themes that had to be resolved, and they are all no more. VINEETO: You do not waste my time at all – it is a pleasure and a privilege to correspond with you – it’s simply the enjoyment of seeing a fellow human being gain more understanding and success in revelling in the fact of being alive and becoming more and more naïve. Neither do you go in circles and spirals because how can you learn if you don’t dare to make mistakes. You first have to make a mistake in order to find out if it was a mistake. Actualism is experiential and experimental, there is no other way. It is also beneficial for all who read your posts with attention and fascination so they can learn from your own experiences. KUBA: It seems at some point there was the time for all manner of searching and digging and extending ‘myself’ and now it is all about gladly and blessedly actualising the fact that ‘I’ am redundant. Whatever is found at this point is not an invitation for ‘me’ to take up the reins again, it never was actually, but now I see it clearer. The method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive and it seems
the point is that something eventually happens to make ‘my’ exquisite affective enjoyment and appreciation segue
into an actual enjoyment and appreciation for this flesh and blood body. This “something” ‘I’ do not do. VINEETO: Yes it is, and Richard introduced another aspect to be aware of when you are “standing still” in order to let life live you. He said –
That means, whenever you become aware of any passionate impulse (via diminishment of your enjoyment and cherishing this moment of being alive), you stop believing that ‘you’ have to take the reins (which is an affective mental activity) – and then, as you describe below, things get done of their own accord. The only way to stop a habit (“to grab onto the process” for instance) is to become aware when it happens and decline. KUBA: I can see this same feature happens with anything that the mind processes. In that some new information will be presented, perhaps some problem requiring a solution and immediately ‘I’ want to grab onto the process, ‘I’ demand an answer now and so ‘I’ end up manufacturing something as opposed to allowing this information to “swish” around the brain until a genuine answer is located. It is the difference between pure contemplation and ‘me’ thinking about something. In pure contemplation there is thinking without the ‘thinker’ whereas normally ‘I’ arrogate responsibility over thinking and ultimately only get in the way of clarity. I see this very much happening right now as me and Sonya are decorating our house. There is an open question presented for example what to do with this space here? ‘I’ passionately grab onto this question and not only make things complicated but also drain all the fun out of it! But allowing thought to operate freely does not work within ‘my’ requirements, it does not happen to ‘my’ timeline or to ‘my’ preconceived notions. So there is a fear of allowing this to operate like so, it seems that nothing would happen then. And yet each time as things continue to be done I look back and realise that ‘I’ didn’t do any of it anyways. So this I what I was trying to get at here : OK so things are getting pretty fun! Something clicked the other day with regards to control or
with regards to ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, and it is that ‘I’ don’t even exist. VINEETO: Now that you pretty much worked it out how it works it’s only a matter of time to get used to the new way of being – arrogating less and less control and allowing “‘my’ life” to “slowly eroding away” or, in other words, letting the universe live you. Good hey. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Thank you for your wonderful reply Vineeto, there is a lot here but I just wanted to comment on the below for now:
KUBA: This really shows something, I remember a while ago when me and Sonya had a zoom chat with Geoffrey I made a comment which although it was a joke it exposed this same kind of approach to myself and others. I said that what he was saying was so useful that I felt I should pay him for it! So it is as if mutual beneficence comes with a cost, or that it is to be earned or that it is reserved for the special few, or for the right performance etc. This is very much the old paradigm and I don’t particularly see interactions with my fellow human beings in this way. But clearly I still hold this view in some degree as to depreciate myself with it. And I have already discovered that this sword I will cut both myself and others with, sooner or later. So as noble as self-depreciation may appear it benefits not me and not others, so it can be dispensed with. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Ha, I am glad you can see this – it is indeed a very old paradigm derived from the spiritually-inspired virtue of humility and there is nothing “noble” about it but the self-centric desire for immortality and/or after-death reward. KUBA: Of course it is so wonderful to see actual magnanimity from you, to have this for comparison. That beneficence between fellow human beings can flow freely, it doesn’t have a cost or a condition or a cap to it. Of course, I don’t start going round the streets and showering all with my savings but it’s rather that I am no longer saving myself for something else ‘out there’, that this moment is happening now and we are all actually here doing this business called being alive – so how could I be anything but freely beneficial towards my fellow human beings, why should it cost a thing? Or why should it have a cap? VINEETO: Because actual magnanimity is not a virtue, but the actual quality of the benevolence of this infinite universe it is free, unconditional and unlimited. It’s interesting that ‘you’ were thinking in terms of the old paradigm and automatically equivocated magnanimity with giving away one’s life-savings which could be given away only once. Whereas this is how Richard describes magnanimity –
KUBA: Of course in the old paradigm the belief in God and the Afterlife provided plenty of motivation for people to inflict horrors upon each other in anticipation for their heavenly rewards, there was apparently something else ‘out there’ worth savings one’s caring and consideration for. But once it is seen that there is nowhere else but here then there is nowhere/ nothing else to save oneself for. If it is not my fellow human beings that are the recipients of my beneficence then just who is? And if not now then when? And looking at it now it is the same with regards to intimacy, just who am I saving myself for?
And for those same reasons as above, why should it have a cap or a condition? This belief in the metaphysical, in some
‘other place’ – it is a very rotten thing. VINEETO: It is fascinating how deeply the shadow of the belief in an afterlife/ “some ‘other place’” runs, long after you have dispensed with the belief in a God and/or enlightenment. It is indeed “a very rotten thing”. Seeing this there no longer is any overt or covert reason to ‘save yourself for’. KUBA: Hehe and the one which for some reason I don’t want to fully allow is that the same applies for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. That if I am not enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive then just what am I saving myself for? I’ve never seen it so clearly, of course only this moment is actual and there is no other place but here, so whatever that ‘thing’ is which I am saving myself for – it is a waste, a complete and utter waste. I am putting off enjoyment and appreciation for a time and a place that does not exist! VINEETO: Ah, this is a valuable insight – the very reason why so many have resistance to enjoy and appreciate being alive – one could diminish one’s ‘bank account’ in the afterlife, the “other place”, if one has too much fun here on earth. It is indeed a dominant aspect of all religions and equivalent to an ubiquitous taboo. KUBA: Wow it’s like that non-existent metaphysical realm has been swallowing genuine human happiness, harmlessness and intimacy since time immemorial, and all for nothing since it does not exist. So yes, just as Richard wrote in a finite and expanding universe actual freedom would not be
possible. All those things which we discuss flow from infinitude, this is the earth shattering discovery, the basis for
the completely new paradigm. So indeed actualism without infinitude is sandpit actualism. VINEETO: Ha, I like that – “sandpit actualism” – and to tie it into
your next post So, isn’t it finally time to take Geoffrey’s suggestion and “take off their clothes,
and swim through the sea?” Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Ah, this is a valuable insight – the very reason why so many have resistance to enjoy and appreciate being alive – one could diminish one’s ‘bank account’ in the afterlife, the “other place”, if one has too much fun here on earth. [Emphasis added]. KUBA: Haha what a brilliant way to put it! This hits bullseye exactly why I cannot quite allow it fully, that if I was to fully enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive I would be “diminishing my bank account elsewhere”. It seems it is the thrust of ‘surviving’ itself, that ‘I’ invest in ‘surviving’ as an identity, which means ‘I’ pay into that bank account ‘elsewhere’. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Peter discovered early on that everyone has a spiritual outlook on life –
It was hotly questioned and discussed on the Actual Freedom Mailing List in 2004 – here are some examples –
In summary Richard explained that –
You are spot on with your discovery that “the thrust of ‘surviving’ itself, that ‘I’ invest in ‘surviving’ as an identity” is in order for your soul to survive in a ‘rewarding’ afterlife. KUBA: The belief in god or the afterlife is gone, this kind of
belief was also part of that ‘high achiever’ mentality, or what I called a ‘grind mentality’, or in fact even
the thing of ‘delayed gratification’, it is all the same flavour isn’t it? It comes from the old paradigm where
one is saving oneself for some other time/ place, one suffers now for a reward in the future. But as it is always now
one ends up suffering forever and the future never comes, it cannot for it is not actual. VINEETO: Given that everybody has a spiritual outlook on life, due to the trickle-down effect of enlightenment having been considered the summum bonum of human experience, the “saving oneself for some other time/ place” can take many forms. In your case it is that of a “high achiever”, also very prevalent in Western countries is the ‘Protestant work-ethic’, suffering “now for a reward in the future”, whilst in Eastern countries people are waiting for a better incarnation or in Japan, Korea, China desire to take an honoured place amongst their ancestors. What they all have in common is that enjoying this moment of being alive is nowhere to be found. Ironically, the actualism method is often subverted into an ‘actualist’ morality to prevent the very enjoyment and appreciation which could facilitate their freedom from the human condition. * VINEETO: So, isn’t it finally time to take Geoffrey’s suggestion KUBA: Yes you are correct, it is the time for this, and looking
at my above post that was still sandpit actualism, more of second best. It looks like this is a habit but it is time
for it to be broken. VINEETO: It is wonderful you found a way to break the spell. Now finally naiveté can fully flourish. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: So this is where ‘I’
see ‘myself’ these days, that ‘I’ know ultimately ‘I’ am living out an existence which amounts to
"play, show, piece, spectacle, dramatization, screenplay, theatrics, performance" and yet this is where ‘I’
am forever trapped. Hi Kuba, ‘You’ are not "forever trapped" – all that is required is to willingly, joyously, and altruistically agree to go into oblivion to end the burden of ‘your’ seriously maintaining of control and futile solemnity. When all of ‘you’ is on board magic is bound to happen.
All ‘my’ thinking – intellectualising, mentalising, philosophising and theorising is merely postponing the inevitable.
Telling yourself that you are "forever trapped" is writing the very "play, show, piece, spectacle, dramatization, screenplay, theatrics, performance" or charade you choose to play out – until you see the silliness of it. Perhaps fascinated attention to the very act of believing your own creations might be the way out of feeling "forever trapped".
Cheers Vineeto
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