VINEETO: I am immensely pleased that you discovered “some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’ because it is this “resistance” which is fuelling the weirdness.

KUBA: Yes I can see this clearly now, before it seems ‘I’ had split ‘myself’ off somewhat, in that there was ‘me’ wanting to proceed and then the “weirdness” appeared to be something other than ‘me’ that was blocking ‘me’, and yet this “weirdness” is being generated by ‘me’, that resistance is ‘me’.

It seems there must be something that ‘I’ am still hiding though, something that ‘I’ am prepared to continue suffering for in order to keep it hidden. It feels as if pure intent is exposing ‘my’ best kept secret and ‘I’ am not ready for it to be divulged. That if it is to be exposed ‘I’ will be left so vulnerable and open to the world that ‘I’ will not be able to function.
I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it.

KUBA: But there is this other component to it, of why ‘I’ am always inclined to ‘do’ something, it is this deep feeling/belief that it is not enough to be me as-I-am. It’s interesting because I left school about 13 years ago and yet still to this day I have the same recurring dream of being back. When I moved from Poland to England at 12 it was a big shock for me, so much so that I completely shut myself off from everybody, for years I would not speak any more than a yes/no and I had absolutely no friends or social life of any description. The way I eventually climbed out of this hole was by getting into sports and “buying my way” into ‘being normal’ with achievements. But it seems this left a very deep and lasting impression on ‘me’. This sense that ‘I’ absolutely cannot exist without being ‘someone in particular’ with ‘something to offer’.

VINEETO: It doesn’t really matter, why – not a single person likes to be a nobody – and yet it is soo delicious.

KUBA: You wrote the other day if ‘I’ could give a guarantee that if ‘my’ question was resolved to ‘my’ satisfaction that ‘I’ would give ‘myself’ up there and then. It looks to me that whatever the root of this resistance is (and I am not yet sure what it is), it has the capacity to do that exactly.

VINEETO: The root of the resistance are your very survival instincts – ‘you’ don’t want to go extinct, despite ‘your’ yearning for oblivion.

It’s very understandable but by your own reporting you can hardly maintain yourself any longer.

Richard: With apperception operating more or less continuously in ‘my’ day-to day life, ‘I’ find it harder and harder to maintain credibility. ‘I’ am increasingly seen as the usurper, an alien entity inhabiting this body and taking on an identity of its own. Mercilessly exposed in the bright light of awareness – apperception casts no shadows – ‘I’ can no longer find ‘my’ position tenable. ‘I’ can only live in obscuration, where ‘I’ lurk about, creating all sorts of mischief. ‘My’ time is speedily coming to an end, ‘I’ can barely maintain ‘myself’ any longer.

The day finally dawns when … (Richard’s Journal, Article Eighteen).

*

VINEETO: What a fascinating thrilling time you are having, traversing “this “desert of monumental proportions” and yet knowing with utter certainty that you are “proceeding towards my destiny”, and that there is “absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to”.

Reading all this I was wondering if you perhaps are deeply influenced by these particular descriptions of Richard’s Journal – he was after all drawing from his experience of coming out of Spiritual Enlightenment /institutionalized insanity – such that they are what is now happening to you, especially as you also noticed that “it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.”

KUBA: Yes I am most likely deeply influenced by these descriptions but I wonder now if I have somewhat appropriated this drama in order to justify/ validate this resistance. That there is clearly something in ‘me’ that is not yet fully ready to proceed and so ‘I’ can make it seem legitimate by framing it in line with those descriptions. Which if this is the case that is great news haha, because it means it can be way easier than ‘I’ have been making it!

VINEETO: Ah, that’s what I was thinking.

KUBA: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare. How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this.

VINEETO: I can understand that but this worry, as I said before, is beyond ‘your’ territory and a distraction. Remember what children get up to when they don’t want to go to bed? ‘You’ don’t want to go extinct.

*

VINEETO: ‘Vineeto’ deeply felt it many times in ‘her’ life, from the first moment when ‘she’ fell unconscious (due to low blood-pressure at the time). There was something so sweet, so enticing, so attractive, in those seconds before unconsciousness set in and similar in following events

KUBA: Yes that is interesting because I have had the same experience when for example I have been weight lifting heavy and would go light headed, it was obviously not a PCE and yet there was something so delicious in ‘me’ getting to disappear for a bit and yet the awareness of being alive continuing.

VINEETO: So you know this delicious feeling of taking a rest of ‘me’ … you can lean into that, that’s really what ‘I’ want, have a rest forever …

KUBA: [Edit] It seems those stories of it not being enough to be me as-I-am are furphies.

VINEETO: Ha, I am glad you can see that.

Cheers Vineeto

March 22 2025

KUBA: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours.

It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder.

VINEETO: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it!

KUBA: The below is perhaps the most wonderful description that I can think of, this is what ‘I’ desire and yet it is so weird that clearly something in ‘me’ is resisting the possibility of living this:

Vineeto: “Since then I experience myself as what I am, not just this physical body but with particular qualities to the experiencing which to my own surprise I called ‘what I always wanted to be/what I have always been’ even though I have never lived it. For an analogy of how I experience what I am at core I have to go into the Greek mythology where people’s imagination had populated nature with nymphs, inherent/chthonic to springs or trees or groves. This experience of myself is very light and playful, as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events. I described it as being innocence personified. Sensuosity, sensuality and sexuality are as much part of what I am just as sexuality and abundance are happening in nature everywhere. As such I am no different to a tree, a rock, a spring, a mountain or a distant star and can truly say that I am the universe experiencing itself as this flesh and blood body. I am here to play, play in this abundant effervescent universe, innocent for the first time, carefree in gay abandon, forever fulfilled and exquisitely aware each moment again of the magic of both nature and the wonderful intimacy that is possible with another human being.

Needless to say that I am having the best time of my life …” (Private correspondence, 29 November 29, 2010). (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Srinath, 1 January 2019)

VINEETO: Yes, I remember experiencing this, such an amazing experience – the discovering of this magical wonderland – that was right after my guardian had abdicated and I was home free. [Edit]: Actually, it was the description after I became fully actually free.

KUBA: Weirdly enough ‘I’ am extremely optimistic about it being possible now… Even though clearly ‘I’ do not yet know the way forward. Because now I see that there is something that ‘I’ am doing/ being which prevents it from happening, which means this “something” can be uncovered!

So in short rather than soldiering through this “desert of monumental proportions” ‘I’ can continue allowing this ‘process’ and locate the root of the resistance – of what is keeping ‘me’ from allowing ‘my’ deeply yearned for oblivion, meanwhile avoiding getting drawn into any side mission (which I have just averted this morning haha).

VINEETO: Ah, I am glad you decided not to follow the ‘dutiful’ suggestion of your ‘controller’/ ‘feeler’ – they are up to no good.

KUBA: Ok so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!

VINEETO: Bullseye!

Cheers Vineeto

March 23 2025

VINEETO: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it!

KUBA: Yes I fell for it again! Except this time I smelled a rat pretty quick. When I wrote those furphies out – and as gullible as I can be – even I wasn’t sold.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Isn’t it such fun!

KUBA: But it was reading back over the below which made it click:

Kuba: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours.

VINEETO: Just to put your mind at rest – Richard did many other things in his actually free life apart from sitting looking “out the window for hours”.

Kuba: It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder.

KUBA: I tried to find this someone/ something who is apparently not allowing me and then I realised that I have already abandoned ‘humanity’. So then it became clear… it is ‘my’ very survival instincts aka ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being that is the resistance, hence – “so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!”

And what an amazing thing to discover this is!

VINEETO: Yes it is a wonderful discovery and possibly ‘your’ last. ‘You’ no longer will have to justify ‘your’ fictious existence.

KUBA: Indeed ‘I’ have been gullible all ‘my’ life, not only in believing in the authority of ‘human wisdom’ but in believing that the human condition is set in stone. I wrote in the past that ‘I’ am a coward, but actually I think it was the gullibility that came first ‘I’ was a coward because ‘I’ fell hook, line and sinker for those beliefs in the first place.

VINEETO: Before you accuse your ‘self’ of even more flaws, let me remind you that children are gullible by necessity because of the preset conditions they are born into without a handbook (or reading skills) to start off with. They have to believe what they are told.

It is an amazing feat to slowly extract oneself from this legacy of genetically endowed instinctual passions and feelings and the passed-on ‘wisdom’ of those who came before, and be able to sort out silly and sensible and even more so to become increasingly happy and harmless.

KUBA: All along there was no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free, of dropping the burden that is ‘being’ itself. ‘I’ am the one (and only one) to allow ‘myself’ to go blessedly into oblivion. And ‘I’ already know without a shadow of a doubt that the world will be all the better for it.

VINEETO: Indeed, after all the frightening, thrilling and daring experiences, in the end you find out that there is “no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free” – isn’t that in itself a hilarious proof of the benevolence of the universe and the beneficence of the human consciousness, which enables such revelation.

KUBA: I remember you wrote to me a while ago asking (to the effect of) – can you hear it yet? Indeed ‘I’ can now hear the sound of ‘my’ extinction approaching.

VINEETO: I found it –

Vineeto: With no hope its opposites also disappear – doubt, disbelief, distrust and despair. Can you hear the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing yet? ♫♪ ♫ ♫♪

Your unshakeable thought that “it must be easy” is spot on. Look at all the reports, the point of transition was dead easy … and filled with the sweetness of pure intent. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Kuba4, 22 January 2025a)

Yes, I can hear it too and this is wonderful to say the least.

*

KUBA: I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide.

VINEETO: It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it.

KUBA: Lol no wonder it was more of a comedy than a drama for Geoffrey, and why the business of becoming actually free is not a serious business at all. All this over ‘someone’ that does not exist in actuality.

VINEETO: In the end when ‘you’ can see the fact, it’s always hilarious, but it can nevertheless feel very serious while one is trying to make sense of this strange and sometimes absurd situation all humans find themselves in.

KUBA: I can see what Richard meant when he wrote in his journal:

VINEETO: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”?

Ah, what a joy!

Cheers Vineeto

March 23 2025

VINEETO: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”?

KUBA: Haha well that is precisely on point, ‘I’ am just holding out in no man’s land at this point.

I thought how you have been inviting us to join the party. That there is nothing to lose but ‘my’ shackles, this makes a lot more sense now experientially, it seems very close indeed – as Richard wrote “so close as to be already here”.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

Here is what I am reminded of –

Peter: Some time in the evening of a day of delightfully relaxed reminiscings, reflections and musings, I leaned forward wondering what it was like for Richard living in the actual world of people, things and events as distinct from living in a self-created illusionary bubble of one’s own making. Wondering about the nature of his experiencing, I suddenly became aware of a quite extraordinary sweetness – a sweetness that was palpable rather than feeling based. I heard the words ‘This is not only for me, this is for everybody’ as I was literally being bathed in this sweetness.

This all-consuming experience of sweetness lasted perhaps less that a minute but this precursor left me with the utter confidence to proceed further into the actual world – indeed it was so seductive an experience that I was literally compelled to investigate further. Perhaps an hour or two later in an increasingly intimate ambience between us, I moved over to sit beside Richard on the couch as I wanted to be closer to him rather than talk over the coffee table that separated the two couches.

I happened to remember that Richard had often said that he had been on his own in the actual world (for 17 years to date) and that he would like someone else to join him in the actual world and not for his sake but to prove that he was not a freak-of-nature, as it were, but as definitive proof that global peace and harmony amongst human beings was indeed possible in that an individual actual freedom from malice and sorrow was a repeatable occurrence.

As I remembered where Richard was, I reached out and touched the side of his actual face with my fingers. As I tenderly stroked it, I ‘saw’ him as Robinson Crusoe – on his own but not lonely – on a tropical desert island, playfully content and self-sufficient, but ever casting an eye out lest a playmate hove in to view over the horizon.

In that moment I knew that Richard’s first playmate in the actual world of sensate delight would be a male best-mate playmate and that female playmates would then follow soon after.

After this, the sweet relaxed atmosphere that I experienced between us continued and became all-consuming as the “outside world” faded more and more in the background so as to completely disappear, as did the experience of time moving as I became more and more totally absorbed in the conversation and events unfolding, as it were.

(The conclusion of this cliff-hanger including delightful tool tips in original). (Long Awaited Announcement)

Cheers Vineeto

March 24 2025

VINEETO: “So close as to be already here” … it looks like you are now savouring the ever-increasing splendour of ‘your’ approaching "blaze of glory" (Mailing List ‘AF’ Respondent No. 7 I have remarked before), moment by moment, hesitating only to savour it even more for all it’s worth. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 7, 1 February 1999)

KUBA: Oh wow yes savouring indeed, I can hardly contain myself haha. I was driving from the shops with Sonya yesterday and I had a smile glued permanently to my face . To see that in actual freedom there is only enjoyment and appreciation, the method makes perfect sense all of a sudden!

This morning ‘I’ have already said ‘my’ good-byes haha, now ‘I’ am happily anticipating what will happen next.

VINEETO: Hi Kuba,

I couldn’t resist. Did you really only now find out why the actualism method makes perfect sense?

I had such a good laugh, thank you – and I am glad you understand experientially now.

Enjoying and appreciating is indeed the beginning, the middle and the end and more of it beyond the end – one needs thorough practice to prepare for life in Terra Australis.;)

Just as it says on the forth scrolling banner of This Moment of Being Alive –

“The means to the end – an ongoing enjoyment and appreciation – are no different to the end.”

Bye, bye ‘Kuba’, it was great fun knowing you.

Cheers Vineeto