February 21 2025

CLAUDIU: A few updates:

This led to an absolute blast of an exciting time. I experienced it like being really on the adventure of a lifetime. I had visions like I was going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword – that was the level of excitement I felt – and far more safely because I could do it all from just sitting in my house!

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

You say you “suddenly ‘got’ it” that “I will actually do this” … and then proceed with a ‘game’ created by “visions”, “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. I can’t really make sense of it.

In my experience, becoming actually free is the opposite of a fight, it is full acquiescence of all of your ‘being’ to become extinct because at that point there is only one choice. When all of ‘me’ agrees that there is only one choice there is no inner division of one part of ‘me’ fighting another part.

CLAUDIU: This brought out a naive exuberance that was really a ton of fun. This had an effect in all my dealings and doings with others, and went well, up until in the late evening there developed an irritated/ annoyed/ frustrated atmosphere having to do with working together to move some furniture around. The naivete gave way to being annoyed and feeling like I was unfairly offended-against.

Today I still feel the after-effects of such aggression, and now I am contemplating on how to beneficially use this passionate energy of this instinctual passion. ‘How’ to passionately use the aggressive energy towards my aim?

VINEETO: I would have called it resentment rather than full aggression – you were interrupted in your vision-created game of “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword” and called upon to do something so mundane as moving furniture around. But then you had some useful insights nevertheless.

CLAUDIU: A lot of it just seems to do with sitting with and seeing it for what it is. For a brief spell I was worried that the fact of me feeling aggression would somehow disqualify me from succeeding. Like, what do I do about this? But then I saw with clear seeing what had happened: the instinctual passion of aggression happens first, then on top of this the passion swirls into a ‘me’ that is a ‘who’ which is who ‘I’ am, who is aggressive and at times nurture this aggression to ‘my’ bosom. But this ‘who’ is not set in stone. Actually what it ‘really’ is is ‘just’ an underlying feeling of aggression. This clear seeing is remarkably refreshing and removes any moral weight from it (as in I am a ‘bad’ person for feeling this way). And then I see it’s actually just a choice whether to continue being aggressive or not. And now I see that feeling this way or that does not disqualify me in any way, nor actually change what I want, which is to succeed for the benefit of this body & every body. And it being for the benefit of others as well is really a crucial component, it ‘locks in’ the significance of what I do and automatically orients me in a more sensible direction.

VINEETO: Excellent. Can you see that what you want is to liberate both others and yourself from this very real and destructive feeling of aggression, not to mention the bad mood it comes with? The passionate energy which can be harnessed could be an increased determination not to chicken out (at least that is what ‘Vineeto’ took away from it).

‘Vineeto’: Besides physical attack, aggression has many more subtle nuances: blaming, resentment, verbal abuse, nagging, boredom, being the victim, arrogance, clever-clever, competition, self-destruction and revenge. I made use of this instinct for becoming free as a bloody-mindedness, persistence, not to ‘let the buggers get me down’ and refusal to run with the crowd. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)

So I think I answered my own question while typing it out lol, and now a familiar joy, lightness of being, and exuberance is rising yet again.

So you did!

CLAUDIU: Really funny thing just now. I see now that … I can literally just choose self-sacrifice! Like, self-sacrifice is an option that I can just pick.

Somehow I did not really realize this before. I thought I had to do it in some round-about way where because I am intrinsically self-centred I can’t really directly choose self-sacrifice. Which just amounts to trying to trick myself into it lol.

But it’s one of the options available to me! I can literally just pick it lol.

VINEETO: I do wonder – was this an apperceptive seeing or a mere thought – as in “to be or not to be that is the question”? If self-sacrifice is a genuine option, my question is what is stopping you now?

CLAUDIU: I think I am still missing some step between the instinctual passion of aggression and:

Vineeto: You see, in whatever form the instinctual passion is happening, be they desire, nurture (compassion/passionate caring) or fear, you need to fully feel and embrace your ‘being’ and fully experienced it as what ‘you’ are in order to be harnessed and channelled for your goal, else any attempt to ‘self’-immolate will be still-born or evade side-ways.

and

Vineeto: Again, ‘I’ will not agree to become extinct because it’s a sensible idea or because the alternative is “ultimately dissatisfying”. ‘I’ need to be fully and passionately on board and for that ‘I’, the passionate ‘me’ as well as the sensible ‘me’ need to take part in the final decision as a passionately felt decision. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu4, 18 February 2025a)

Richard’s report of sitting with it seems apt with minor modifications only, so I will go on this direction, e.g. instead of ‘fear’ it would be ‘aggression’ because I do really want to know, once and for all, what this aggression is which drives human beings for millennia into the horrible things we get up to on a regular basis on a global scale.

VINEETO: I am fascinated what you are going to report.

Cheers Vineeto

February 22 2025

CLAUDIU: Hi Vineeto,

Vineeto: You say you “suddenly ‘got’ it” that “I will actually do this” … and then proceed with a ‘game’ created by “visions”, “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. I can’t really make sense of it. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)

CLAUDIU: It was like I had a feeling of excitement of going on an adventure, the thrill of the adventure of it. Richard wrote: “It is the adventure of a lifetime to embark upon a voyage of exploration and discovery; to not only seek but to find.” I was experiencing it like an exuberant thrill of going on an adventure – which thrill I experienced as visions of “going through a catacomb, heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword”. Maybe it is a male thing, I played a lot of video games as a kid where you control a character doing just that. Srinath wrote this in his report of becoming free:

Srinath: “Richard had said that I needed to want it like nothing before. I pondered on what I had wanted before and recalled a simple childhood memory of being excited about going to the swimming pool when I was about 10 years old. There was this completely sincere and thrilling ‘jumping out of my skin’ desire to get in the pool. I was beginning to feel a similarly sincere thirst for oblivion.” (Srinath Report of Becoming Free).

I experienced it like this level of excitement. I would just say it presented to me as this skeleton-fighting-adventure. It was not that I would be fighting myself to ‘win’ or succeed at this adventure, rather it was the feeling of excitement.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

Thank you for your precise responses on all my questions. I have a much clearer understanding now from your descriptions how you are at present and it all makes sense.

*

Vineeto: I would have called it resentment rather than full aggression – you were interrupted in your vision-created game of “heroically fighting off skeletal monsters with my sword” and called upon to do something so mundane as moving furniture around. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

CLAUDIU: I see why you read it that way but the situation was a bit different. That vision was brief, then I went to the office to have a meeting, where I had a meeting with that same set of people the day before, but this time it was much more fun, I was being much more naive. When I came home, there was furniture that needed moving. It had needed moving for some weeks, and it was impeding our lives, so I applied my naive exuberance to the task, coaxing the other to get into it by saying well let’s just start by moving this one little piece here… it was proceeding well but then I perceived the other as starting to feel frustrated at the physical movements of it, we weren’t working well together, eventually I felt like the frustration became directed at me rather than the situation, and it ‘got’ to me, I felt bothered, and like it was unfair, here I was applying myself to solve a problem in a fun and naive way, and the response was frustration and annoyance directed at me.

That being said I see resentment is a better descriptor than full aggression. I actually did not realize resentment was on the ‘aggressive’ scale of the instinctual passions … maybe I should have by now?? Lol, woops.

VINEETO: It seems not to matter now because you gained more insight into the aggressive aspect of the instinctual passions. Your co-workers would have also contributed with resentful/ angry vibes to the way you felt.

Vineeto: The passionate energy which can be harnessed could be an increased determination not to chicken out (at least that is what ‘Vineeto’ took away from it). (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

‘Vineeto’: Besides physical attack, aggression has many more subtle nuances: blaming, resentment, verbal abuse, nagging, boredom, being the victim, arrogance, clever-clever, competition, self-destruction and revenge. I made use of this instinct for becoming free as a bloody-mindedness, persistence, not to ‘let the buggers get me down’ and refusal to run with the crowd. (Actualism, Vineeto, Actual Freedom List, Alan-b, 30.3.1999)

CLAUDIU: Thank you for sharing this experiential report of how to effectively use the passion of aggression. It is well-noted.

VINEETO: You are welcome. Even though the correspondence was from 1999 when ‘Vineeto’ was still in the process of making sense of actualism, it indicates the intent to use, instead of pushing aside, any feeling or passion which arose for the purpose of ‘her’ final goal.

*

Vineeto: I do wonder – was this an apperceptive seeing or a mere thought – as in “to be or not to be that is the question”? If self-sacrifice is a genuine option, my question is what is stopping you now? (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

CLAUDIU: It was such that my experience dramatically transformed to where I was far more aware of and recipient to pure intent, i.e. I had actually experientially turned towards the path of self-sacrifice. And I saw that it was a choice that I can do that! I don’t have to wait for a magic trick to happen or whatnot.

So it’s not that I saw it was a choice I can end it all right now this instant (I don’t see this choice yet) but I saw the choice to go onto the path towards that.

VINEETO: Excellent. Your description that “I was far more aware of and recipient to pure intent” points to it being more of clear seeing rather than a mere thought. I see you are inching forward to make “self-sacrifice” as actual as possible.

CLAUDIU: What is stopping me now is… naught but the latest objection. Which I do not see clearly yet. However I am getting better at detecting how ‘I’ squirm out of seeing it. And applying bloody-minded stubbornness to see what it is. I see that it’s literally a matter of, I just have to look and see what it is!! Like there’s nothing really special about it. Just actually get to the bottom of it. This is wonderful because my personality naturally gravitates towards really wanting to get to the actual full bottom and understanding of whatever it is. So works out nicely :)) (…)

VINEETO: It appears you have an open question with the potential of giving you the seminal answer.

CLAUDIU: So far the most stunning thing was in seeing how I am the very source of violence itself!! Like it is where violence comes from. That’s how I felt it at the time – writing it now it’s more accurate to say it’s the source of feelings of aggression and malice rather than physical violence per se. But of course the former begets the latter.

There is indeed no way that I could ever clean myself up enough to ‘remove’ that somehow. I am literally the source of it!! It is me, I am this aggression. What you wrote is very apt:

Vineeto: Can you see that what you want is to liberate both others and yourself from this very real and destructive feeling of aggression, not to mention the bad mood it comes with? (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 21 February 2025)

This really makes it directly evident how self-immolating is for the benefit not only of this body but every body.

These explorations are very deep! It feels very raw. It is much more passionate than before. It seems I was holding myself back from going to these depths before. That is good, now I know better where the next steps are. Whatever it takes, I will get there.

VINEETO: It is wonderful to read, Claudiu.

Perhaps your last objection will become apparent and disappear upon seeing when you find out (as I said to Kuba ) – who or what do you want to give all of ‘yourself’ to? – as an equally open question.

Cheers Vineeto

February 22 2025

Claudiu: What is stopping me now is… naught but the latest objection. Which I do not see clearly yet.

CLAUDIU: It is odd, I feel the same as in the past when I was super driven at work. In other words I feel driven — but it’s as if there is a drive without any object to it. Or at least I don’t know the object of the drive. It certainly feels strange… I will get to the bottom of it tho!!

VINEETO: You don’t need any object – extinction is not an object, lol. Don’t let any mental searching or doubt disrupt this wonderful momentum towards your destiny. Richard describes this thrilling momentum in many places –

Richard: What ‘I’ do, voluntarily and intentionally (cheerfully and blessedly), is press the button which precipitates a, oft-times alarming but always thrilling, momentum which will result in ‘my’ irrevocable ‘self’-immolation in toto. What one does is that one dedicates oneself to the challenge of being just here, right now, as the universe’s experience of itself ... peace-on-earth is the inevitable result because it is already always existing (‘I’ was merely standing in the way of it being apparent).

The act of initiating this ‘process’ is altruism, pure and simple: it is a rather curious decision – a decision the likes of which has never been made before nor will ever be made again – that it is imperative it be ‘me’ who will evince the final and complete condition which will deliver the goods so longed for by humanity for millennia ... whereupon that thrilling momentum takes over and one realises one has embarked already (and once that impetus gets going one cannot ‘un-set’ the pace).

There is no pulling back – which is why most people do not want to set it in motion – because once one has started one cannot stop. It is a one-way trip – that is the thrilling part of it – and with application and diligence and patience and perseverance, born out of the pure intent garnered from the PCE, the exposure of the inner workings of one’s psyche (which is the human psyche) will readily occur in the course of everyday events due to ‘my’ concurrence ... one cannot help but become fascinated for this means the end of the predicament which humankind has been agonising over for aeons.

Any reluctance to become fascinated is because of the ‘no turning back’ aspect. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 60, 3 December 2003).

It’s indeed the ride of a life-time.

Cheers Vineeto

February 22 2025

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

I remember ‘Vineeto’s’ momentum in ‘her’ last days in late December 2009 which I haven’t written down so far –

‘Peter’ and ‘Vineeto’ had planned for a xmas holiday two-three weeks to spend in the remote wilderness of the Bungawalbin river, and set out in the houseboat to travel the 2-day journey. ‘Vineeto’ sat on the bow deck while ‘Peter’ steered, full of exuberance and anticipation because ‘she’ knew that ‘it’ was going to happen there and then – there was utter certainty that ‘her’ days were numbered and utter confidence that now the long period of searching and investigating and procrastinating was over. The whole boat journey of that day was an utter delight, full of joyous anticipation.

Richard hadn’t been sure if he would join us because he was residing in the river of the nearby town where he had met [Respondent No. 4 (D)] and planned to go back to the wharf in order to meet Tarin who in a few days was due for a visit. But ‘Vineeto’ was nevertheless confident that Richard would join them, in ‘her’ mind Richard’s company was vital to safely guide her in ‘her’ last moments.

‘Peter’ had anchored the houseboat overnight about the two-thirds of the journey and while ‘we’ were talking and frolicking ‘Peter’ heard a boat coming and urged ‘Vineeto’ to put on some clothes. But ‘she’ laughed and said with utter surety, “don’t worry, that’s Richard”. And it was! Richard had changed his mind and had travelled most of the night. When he had woken after a few hours of sleep he didn’t know which way the tide had turned the boat – north or south – so he had to use the stars to navigate (a skill acquired during his military service). It was a great meeting and an hour later we set off to the planned spot at the navigable end of the river, deep in the rainforest wilderness.

I never forget that journey or the days which followed prior to ‘Vineeto’s’ final release – it was the best time of ‘her’ life and the whole time it was filled with this utter exuberant surety that ‘her’ end was imminent. This surety even operated during the 2-3 out-of-control days, which served well to elucidate that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued, for ‘her’ ultimate destiny. (Well, in practical terms it wasn’t as radical as imagined).

And the rest is history.

Cheers Vineeto

March 3 2025

CLAUDIU: Brief update: I found that what really works to cut through any possible complications or hurdles or obstacles or whatnot, is seeing that I actually deep down do want this, to self-immolate, more than anything else!

In other words it isn’t a desire I have to conjure up or manufacture or get myself on board or whatnot. At the root, underneath it all – I do actually want this. This immediately orients me towards enabling just that to happen. All my passions line up for this purpose – aggressively pursuing it, desiring it above all, thrillingly going into it, for the benefit of this body and every body. It feels like endless layers of ‘me’ just slough off in a sense in the face of this unified sincerity. This really appears to be key, placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

I like this – “this unified sincerity”, “placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.” This is exactly what is meant by –

Richard: Yes, one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before ... so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in. Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord ...one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’. (Richard, List B, No. 19d, 3 April 2000)

CLAUDIU: Going for intimacy has been really beneficial as well as it automatically orients me to something outside of myself (other people) and makes the target much clearer.

And then I thought to contrast this with regular feeling-being experience, and now suddenly ‘I’ was ‘me’, experiencing the rock through ‘my’ senses – an immediately recognized shift, although again no discernible gap (very interesting!)

VINEETO: Fascinating how it works! And yet, only when you are in the “regular feeling-being experience” can you actively and actually move towards this “unified” goal, “the absolute highest priority above anything else”. Isn’t that cause for celebrating, savouring, enjoying your “regular feeling-being experience”, interspersed with bona-fide PCEs to confirm that this is what you actually want?

CLAUDIU: Following it was a common after-effect I’ve had after PCEs in the past sometimes, a feeling of… I don’t know exactly how to put it, but a negative feeling for sure. It had something to do with the comparing of ‘me’ the feeling-being vs how actual Claudiu was experiencing himself. I realized this was a ripe avenue of contemplation – what indeed, is this feeling about?

VINEETO: Isn’t it obvious, even without deep contemplation, that second best is not as good as best?

CLAUDIU: I saw that it has to do with ‘me’ viscerally knowing that ‘I’ was indeed completely absent, and, everything was far better off without ‘me’. In other words, not only am ‘I’ completely unneeded and superfluous, but ‘I’ actually make everything worse… and through much pain and striving (as ‘I’ experience it) and burden, too! In other words ‘I’ put in all this effort and it is seen to actually be for nothing at all.

Then I realized just how very strange it was for this to be a negative feeling! I saw there’s really two components to it, one is the above, and the other is seeing that ‘I’ have to really go away, go extinct, ‘die’, in order for that to be the permanent experience. But all of this actually readily coincides with that deep-down desire, for extinction! The fact that ‘I’ am superfluous and it is better without ‘me’ is wonderful news because it means nothing will be lost. And that ‘I’ have to die for it to happen – well that is the whole point haha.

VINEETO: Having read yours and Kuba’s posts, both on the theme of ‘I’ am an illusion, and how this perception is being used to confuse you in your case, and to trick you in Kuba’s example, perhaps it is apt to mention that Santa Claus never had the opportunity to either believe nor regret that ‘he’ is only an illusion. He simply disappeared when you stopped believing in him. Only I, the actual flesh-and-blood body know by experience with utter confidence, that ‘I’ or ‘me’ never existed.

‘I’ am real, very real, as long as ‘I’ am a passionate entity hijacking and controlling the actual flesh body. Thinking that ‘I’ am an illusion while ‘I’ am in existence is to transfer information gained from apperceptive seeing during a PCE into the passionate realm of ‘me’ – what Richard calls from “3D-stunning” to “one-dimensional thought” in his correspondence about “utter fullness”. (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 16 June 2000).

CLAUDIU: I would say it seems I have not fully come to terms with it yet as if I did it would all be wondrous fuel for the fire, but, something about seeing it so distinctly still has hit ‘me’ in a way…

VINEETO: You will get used to it, and then you will be able to embrace it and welcome it.

CLAUDIU: The other overall thing I’ve noticed is that my experience is basically the same since going out-from-control, there is no shift into or out of it, and I distinctly experience it as different from ‘normal’. There is never any decision to make whether to self-immolate, it has already always been made. I would say it seems that when some issue comes up, I can feel like I am experiencing myself like I would in the past, but this is always seen to be a chimera, sort of a ‘pretend’ forming myself back into that way of experiencing. I have wondered if it’s just always been like this my whole life and I never noticed haha, but there was a distinct difference after going out-from-control so I would have to say it wasn’t. In other words it’s not just an intellectual re-framing of experience or whatnot, the experience is actually different.

VINEETO: There is something different now, as you just reported, from when you first went out-from-control – there is “this unified sincerity”, “placing it as the absolute highest priority above anything else, nothing else even coming a remote second.”

Cheers Vineeto

March 7 2025

CLAUDIU: It has really struck me and dawned on me experientially that I am nothing but feelings.

And as I sat and contemplated about it yesterday I realized that this is literally who I am, I am these feelings, in this case the driven feelings. I am just one feeling after another, this is it, there’s no me that is separate or different from the feelings, no me at the center. In other words it is only an illusion that there is a me different from the feelings – I know you wrote, Vineeto, that this is confusing me but I’m not sure entirely how it is the case?

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

“That I am nothing but feelings” is a useful experiential insight – usually people experience themselves as one feeling or the other and when the feeling is strong and persistent they say there is ‘nothing but sadness’ or ‘nothing but love’, yet without the full recognition that ‘I’ am indeed nothing but my feelings and my feelings are ‘me’. It’s also the very recognition that allows the choice from being sadness, for instance, to being felicity.

CLAUDIU: It’s different than in the PCE of course, in the PCE there just never was a ‘me’ in the first place. I do feel myself to exist now, but I am seeing that I’m just the feelings one after the other, nothing besides this. It is taking a bit of time for it to sink in but I can already see the benefit, there is nothing really at stake if I am nothing other than these feelings. Another way to put it is everything is at stake, these feelings is all that I am haha… but what I mean is it seems it will become more clear that nothing of value will disappear when I disappear, no one will die, it will only be an illusory death, so there is more confidence to proceed (have to go with where I am at even though in the PCE it was all perfectly clear to actual Claudiu lol).

VINEETO: It was only a suggestion of mine to watch out to not inadvertently “transfer information gained from apperceptive seeing during a PCE into the passionate realm of ‘me’ – what Richard calls from “3D-stunning” to “one-dimensional thought” in his correspondence about “utter fullness””. (Richard, List B, No. 25e, 16 June 2000).

Even though you say that “there is nothing really at stake”, “nothing of value will disappear”, “no one will die” and “it will only be an illusory death”, this evaluation is not sufficient for self-immolation to eventuate.

These passions are nevertheless your very survival passions –

Richard: … it is the instinct for survival that got you and me and every other body here in the first place. We peoples living today are the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes ... we are the product of the ‘success story’ of fear and aggression and nurture and desire. Is one really going to abandon that which produced one ... that which (apparently) keeps one alive?

Do you recall those conversations we had about loyalty (familial and group loyalty) back when you and I first met ... and what was required to crack that code?
That was chicken-feed compared with this one. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Vineeto, 30 September 1999).

Only altruism (survival of the species) is the more powerful instinct to overcome selfism (survival of self) – and even a “nothing of value” self passionately wants to survive –

Richard: Speaking personally from experience, eventually – and ultimately – all the instincts are undone instantly via psychological and psychic ‘self’-sacrifice. This is, purely and simply, altruism at its very best ... and altruism’s energy is an instinctual passion (this is indeed hoisting oneself by one’s bootstraps ... writ large). However, until the initiation of the process that leads to ‘self’-immolation is consciously triggered – whereupon the ending of ‘me’ happens of its own accord – one can become acutely aware of the operation of the instinctual passions as they are experienced moment-to-moment. It is but the same ‘How am I experiencing this moment of being alive?’ investigation of beliefs and feelings ... only extended deeper into one’s psyche. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, Mark, 18 May 1999).

CLAUDIU: The upshot is I can fuel all this powerful and passionate affective energy into the propitious direction towards felicity and naiveté. Instead of trying to stop or calm down this drive, it’s more about redirecting this same energy with equal (or even more) potency into being felicitous and naive, this is clear now.

VINEETO: Yes, and this is wonderful.

Now the only (open) question remains – who or what do you want to give all of ‘yourself’ to?

Cheers Vineeto

March 10 2025

CLAUDIU: Hi Vineeto

VINEETO: Now the only (open) question remains – who or what do you want to give all of ‘yourself’ to?

CLAUDIU: The immediate answer I had for this question is – the very infinitude of the universe itself! It’s as I wrote to you in an email on Nov 18, 2024:

CLAUDIU (private email): Thank you for sharing that delightful conversation. I found it scintillatingly wonderful and brilliant.
The part that stood out to me most was this one:

Richard: … Perhaps if I were to put it this way: if the infinitude directly experienced in a pure consciousness experience (PCE) is not the infinitude of the universe then what is it the infinitude of … a god (using the word ‘god’ in the ‘ground of being’ sense)?

In other words if it be not a physical infinitude then it falls into the realm of being a metaphysical infinitude. [emphasis in original]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 60a, 25 January 2004b)

CLAUDIU (private email): Those last two paragraphs struck me. I can’t find the proper words to express it. It is so remarkably straightforward and matter-of-fact, and even logical in the simplest possible sense. Yet it points to an undeniable fact: that the infinitude experienced in a PCE is actual, and not metaphysical (and thus illusory/delusory).

I don’t really know how else to put it. The magnitude and significance of that was stark, immediate, incredibly meaningful, and I don’t think the words I’m using here to describe it do it justice – but perhaps you can appreciate what I am getting at regardless.

CLAUDIU: What I find a bit strange is I can’t give a satisfying thought out reason as to “why” it makes sense to sacrifice myself for the infinitude. What would the infinitude — already perfect — benefit from it? And I would be no more and such not around to benefit from this sacrifice. Nevertheless, I know it’s what I want to do.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

Ha, it’s it interesting that when you have an experience of apperceptive direct seeing, ‘I’ want to make it into a reasoned rational argument. What struck you originally was the very actuality of infinitude, which by its very nature is incomprehensible, inconceivable, unimaginable and unbelievable. A ‘self’, limited by its own ‘self’-oriented boundaries can never comprehend the actuality of infinitude.

CLAUDIU: Interestingly upon rereading it, it wasn’t the part I bolded at the end that got to me but rather a part much further up:

Respondent: With regard to attaining ‘actual freedom from the human condition’, does it matter whether the universe is infinite and eternal?

Richard: It is infinitude which makes such a freedom possible … only that which has no opposite is peerless (hence perfect). [emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 60a, 24 January 2004)

This is what struck me this time. The universe being infinite means there is nothing outside the universe and as such nothing that is not the universe / nothing other than the universe, against which to compare the universe. Hence it is peerless, it has no opposite, and it is thus intrinsically perfect.

I can go further and see why, too. It’s intrinsic to the very nature of existence. Existence is intrinsically perfect, marked by benevolence and benignly. As such it could not be that the only thing to exist (the universe) is not perfect. Again to the philosopher this is remarkably unsatisfying and unfounded. If our template of a philosopher said this is unsophisticated, they’d be right of course. But unfounded it isn’t … it seems axiomatic or tautological but it comes down to it being experiential. Apperceptive experience along with the pure intent sourced thereof informs me as to the facticity of this which I write here.

VINEETO: Well, what you are looking for is not a thought-out answer but a deep passionate conviction and desire for which you are ready to give all of ‘yourself’ to. (Remember, one cannot self-immolate just because it seems like a good idea at the time or makes thought-out sense). As Kuba recently phrased it –

Kuba: “to find something that ‘I’ deeply and passionately care about” … “something that ‘I’ have wanted so much all of ‘my’ life.”

What he personally found was –

Kuba: “to offer (and demonstrate) a solid alternative to the “hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all.”

This deep and passionately-caring desire is what he re-discovered at the core of his ‘being’, his ‘presence’, which he described as “‘I’ am this imprint that feelings swirl around to form, a ‘structure’ that has absolutely no substance, an intuited ‘presence’”.

I had thought of you when I read Kuba’s description of experientially knowing “what ‘I’ am as ‘self’”, because only a few days ago you had informed me that –

Claudiu: It has really struck me and dawned on me experientially that I am nothing but feelings.

With this in mind, you can explore an even deeper layer of ‘me’ to experientially discover the core of ‘being’ itself, “this imprint that feelings swirl around to form a ‘structure’” (which if allowed to expand would become the ‘Self’, “the second ‘I’ of Mr. Ventkataraman Aiyer (aka Ramana) fame)”). (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Kuba5, 8 March 2025)

Now, to answer your question –

CLAUDIU: “Does the above make sense as the “what” of it? I already know it does haha, but it’s odd not having the thought-out answer of why it makes sense. However, I don’t think I really need that piece of it … just to allow it to happen!

VINEETO: Only you can know if to experience “the very infinitude of the universe itself”, which is “peerless (hence perfect)”, “marked by benevolence and benignity” is what you deeply and passionately care about to the point of ‘near-actual-caring’. This very ‘near-actual-caring’ will allow ‘you’ to gladly and unreservedly agree to ‘your’ irrevocable demise for the benefit of this body and every body.

Richard: Whereas the ‘I’ that was sacrificed ‘himself’ ... and ‘sacrifice’ means to die as an altruistic offering, a philanthropic contribution, a generous gift, a charitable donation, a magnanimous present; to devote and give over one’s life as a humane gratuity, an open-handed endowment, a munificent bequest, a kind-hearted benefaction. A sacrifice is the relinquishment of something valued or desired, especially one’s life, for the sake of something regarded as more important or worthy ... it is the deliberate destruction, abandonment, relinquishment, forfeiture or loss for the sake of something illustrious, brilliant, extraordinary and excellent. It means to forgo, depart from, leave, quit, vacate, discontinue, stop, cease or immolate so that one’s guerdon is to be able to be unrepressed, unconstrained, unselfconscious, spontaneous, free and easy, relaxed, informal, open, candid, outspoken, uninhibited, unrestrained, unrestricted, uncontrolled, uncurbed, unchecked, unbridled ... (Richard, List B, Gary, 23 Nov 1999).

Cheers Vineeto

March 12 2025

VINEETO: Only you can know if to experience “the very infinitude of the universe itself”, which is “peerless (hence perfect)”, “marked by benevolence and benignity” is what you deeply and passionately care about to the point of ‘near-actual-caring’. This very ‘near-actual-caring’ will allow ‘you’ to gladly and unreservedly agree to ‘your’ irrevocable demise for the benefit of this body and every body.

CLAUDIU: I’ve managed to answer my own question and actually get a satisfying answer to the thought-out part too.

In other words it is this caring is the key… and now I know for sure what I can put all my energy behind :))))

VINEETO: Yes, this is exactly what is required – to “deeply and passionately care about to the point of ‘near-actual-caring’”, so much so that ‘you’, at the very core of your ‘being’, are gladly willing to give up what ‘you’ hold most dear – ‘your’ very existence.

This might make it apparent why a mere logically thought-out sequence of events can never provide the passionate energy required for such a radical happening as altruistic self-sacrifice.

Here is how feeling being ‘Vineeto’ experienced this acquiescence three days before ‘her’ final release happened –

Vineeto to Claudiu (22 Feb 25): I never forget that journey or the days which followed prior to ‘Vineeto’s’ final release – it was the best time of ‘her’ life and the whole time it was filled with this utter exuberant surety that ‘her’ end was imminent. This surety even operated during the 2-3 out-of-control days, which served well to elucidate that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued, for ‘her’ ultimate destiny. (Well, in practical terms it wasn’t as radical as imagined). (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 22 February 2025b)

To expand on ‘Vineeto’s’ experience “that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued” –

‘Vineeto’ had returned to the remote wilderness where the houseboats were moored (still under the frightening impression that Richard had a “split-personality mental disorder” (see Announcement1, #magic, [R]-tooltip, [1]) to pack ‘her’ office paraphernalia and other necessities into the dinghy to take to a temporary location elsewhere until ‘she’ knew what to do next. She met the other two mutineers a few hundred meters upstream, only to then be informed they wanted to disassociate themselves from the whole affair right then and there and would not take ‘her’ in their car. So ‘Vineeto’ found ‘herself’ abandoned at nowhere in that ancient rainforest, her belongings in the dinghy, which at that point had run out of petrol, and stark naked (as everyone was on their holiday).

Strangely enough, this last shocking turn of events, instead of freaking ‘her’ out, brought an unexpected calm, ‘she’ slipped into the warm water of the creek and, floating along, looked at the sky and her only thought was “if this is what it takes to become actually free so be it.” (During the 2-3 out-of-control days, although ‘she’ questioned Richard’s state of mind ‘she’ never doubted his words written on the website, nor the PCEs nor ‘her’ intent to become actually free despite the emotional turmoil).

The last turn of events resulted in a surprising peacefulness after the emotion-filled events of the last two-and-a-half days – no more struggle, only the full permission and endorsement to let the universe run ‘her’ life, as all ‘she’ had tried had come to naught.

‘She’ eventually made it back to the houseboats, towed by two roaming fishermen (there was no room to be self-conscious then) yet it took another few hours to gather the courage to talk to Richard about the whys and wherefores of what happened – by this time not knowing anymore if Richard was insane or ‘she’ ‘herself’ had lost the plot completely. In hindsight it was all utterly hilarious.

As you can see the build-up to self-immolation can be quite dramatic at times.

Outside is a wonderful almost wind-still night, a clear sky with a close-to-full moon, so calm and quiet as if the storm of the last week never happened, only the fish are jumping vivaciously, most likely to rid themselves of flees accumulated at this time of the year. Magnificence all around.

Cheers Vineeto

March 15 2025

CLAUDIU: To expand on ‘Vineeto’s’ experience “that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued” –

Vineeto: ‘Vineeto’ had returned to the remote wilderness where the houseboats were moored (still under the frightening impression that Richard had a “split-personality mental disorder” (see Announcement1, #magic, [R]-tooltip, [1]) to pack ‘her’ office paraphernalia and other necessities into the dinghy to take to a temporary location elsewhere until ‘she’ knew what to do next. She met the other two mutineers a few hundred meters upstream, only to then be informed they wanted to disassociate themselves from the whole affair right then and there and would not take ‘her’ in their car. So ‘Vineeto’ found ‘herself’ abandoned at nowhere in that ancient rainforest, her belongings in the dinghy, which at that point had run out of petrol, and stark naked (as everyone was on their holiday). (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Claudiu5, 12 March 2025)

Haha reading this it did indeed paint an utterly hilarious picture particularly learning at the very last sentence that everyone was stark naked throughout.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

Ha, the fact that you are laughing perhaps means that ‘being naiveté’ is still to take another step. Remember, it is also called ‘birthday suit’.

*

VINEETO: Strangely enough, this last shocking turn of events, instead of freaking ‘her’ out, brought an unexpected calm, ‘she’ slipped into the warm water of the creek and, floating along, looked at the sky and her only thought was “if this is what it takes to become actually free so be it.”

CLAUDIU: This really conveys the willingness ‘Vineeto’ had to go all the way! Completely willing to give everything up, even apparently whatever sense of the world ‘she’ had made until then.

VINEETO: Yes, and not just the “sense of the world” but also ‘her’ possessions and presumed safe future … nothing, but nothing was more important than becoming actually free.

CLAUDIU: It readily explains why afterwards:

Vineeto: The last turn of events resulted in a surprising peacefulness after the emotion-filled events of the last two-and-a-half days – no more struggle, only the full permission and endorsement to let the universe run ‘her’ life, as all ‘she’ had tried had come to naught.

The time is ripe now for me to take full advantage of this easy access I find myself having to the benevolence of the universe, and let it take me away fully…

VINEETO: Ah, this is music to my ears. You can learn from Kuba’s escapade (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Kuba5, 14 March 2025) not to get distracted … and never mind if you do – it is all part of the fun adventure.

Cheers Vineeto

March 16 2025

VINEETO (to Kuba): I would say it is the other way round – this ‘process’ has already been initiated and therefore you are […]

CLAUDIU: Yes it’s like this for me. The things coming up now I see are new things that I haven’t looked at before – which come up precisely because it’s new territory.
And I see for example how one recent aspect, a drive or force or intensity I get involved with things, it’s been part of my way of being my whole life, at least from high school when I have clear memories of it! So I’m just getting to deeper layers to expose to the purity.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

This is excellent. Even though you don’t describe the details, it is clear that the ‘cupboards’ are being swept out thoroughly.

*

VINEETO (to Kuba): Yes, this is the very “oft-times alarming but always thrilling, momentum” in action, which Richard talks about – which means everything is going well. Don’t let ‘me’ interfere by trying to “go back, to check one more time that all is safe” or become impatient that “the waters are” not “completely calm”. Let it happen, don’t turn back. Enjoy the thrilling ride. If it was easy everyone would have done it already. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Kuba5, 15 March 2025c)

CLAUDIU: That last part is good to keep in mind. We are indeed pioneers here. The ones before us made the way far easier than it was for them, and we are making it easier for the next ones to come after us.

VINEETO: Indeed.

The only thing to look out for is to not “trying to work out what is ahead by moving my finger along the map” when in “intellectual mode”, as Kuba described it because others have reported this or that experience during their own pioneering journey to freedom. Hence the emphasis on sincerity and naiveté.

Everyone has a slightly different and thus individually unique adventure, and who would want it any other way.

Cheers Vineeto

March 26 2025

VINEETO: Even though he says the ego “is the only and last resistance to be overcome” he falsely and deceitfully advertises his method the “path without resistance”. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, List at Large, 26 March 2025)

CLAUDIU: I didn’t get this at first but are you saying that…

Hence it would indeed be a path with resistance throughout (by his own descriptions)?

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

The short answer is yes.

The long answer is that even within his own belief system (that only the ego needs to be “overcome”) he is inconsistent in his advertising as the ego will resist being “overcome” all the way, just as the soul equally, if not more so, resists its own extinction (more correctly resists giving permission to abdicate).

And we know that even the path to liberation aka spiritual enlightenment is rarely successful (only 0.00001 % of the population have become enlightened).

Cheers Vineeto

March 28 2025

CLAUDIU: A major breakthrough has occurred for me where it finally clicked just how much better it is to be ingenuous and artless rather than attempting to put out an image or preserve some identity!

It happened as I was on a work trip, and came home, and I found that I wasn’t enjoying myself so much. I felt like I had to be ‘on guard’ all the time, and conversations were not really fun. And I didn’t feel fully at ease somehow… this has often happened in the past when I had been away from home for a while, after a few days it goes back to how it was before I left.

VINEETO: Hi Claudiu,

This is fascinating. I remember what ‘Vineeto’ had noticed as soon as ‘she’ had left ‘her’ parents’ home, that ‘she’ always felt uneasy when for instance ‘her’ boyfriend and one of ‘her’ female friends met with ‘her’ in a social gathering. ‘She’ always felt in a quandary how to behave/ who to be, because like most people ‘she’ had always accommodated ‘herself’, i.e. ‘her’ persona, to the one ‘she’ was with – and as such it turned out that these ‘personas’ were not exactly the same with different people.

As you found out yourself, only being sincerely who you are, and even better, being naïve as close to innocence as possible, can dissolve this habitual presentation of being a particular persona with different people.

CLAUDIU: But then I saw what I was doing is, basically trying to hide from the people around me! So I felt like I had to go around on tiptoes to be careful to reveal only certain parts of myself.

VINEETO: Exactly, a persona is only ‘invented’ and presented when ‘you’ have something to hide and that is always stressful, to say the least.

CLAUDIU: I made a decision then and there that I don’t want to live my life that way, hiding away like this. I will just be as I am, and whatever comes of it, so be it! Things were remarkably better and way more fun after this. It wasn’t even anything specific I was trying to hide (as in a secret), it was just the general approach to it. I felt comfortable, at ease, and the feeling of unease had gone away fully.

So in short I’m having fun with it all :))

VINEETO: This is such an important clue for anyone wanting to increase their enjoyment and appreciation – that anything ‘I’ want to hide, both from myself and from others will impinge on having fun and continuing to enjoy and appreciate being alive. 

And naiveté is vital because it reveals the experiential fact that one is being likeable and liking one’s fellow human beings. This being likeable and liking will go hand-in-glove to being non-self-centric and thus magnanimous, generous, benevolent and beneficent.

Richard: With this growing magnanimity, one becomes more and more anonymous, more and more selflessly motivated. With this expanding altruism one becomes less and less self-centred, less and less egocentric ... the humanitarian ideals of peace, kindness, caring, benevolence and humaneness become more and more evident as an actuality. (Richard, List B, James, 17 Oct 1999)

The other significant discovery is finding out that you had indeed a “strategy” regarding your actions and behaviour, a subtle controlling plan, an “ideal”, when interacting with your fellow human beings.

CLAUDIU: Vineeto wrote me an email with some great advice and it reminded me of what Srinath wrote, that the final bit for him had to be something to come from his own experience: “I thought that I needed a reason to die. Not a fake or artificial reason. I needed something authentic that felt true to the core of my being. It would have to come from left-field.” (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath).

Exactly that, not a “fake or artificial reason”, but “something authentic”!

VINEETO: Indeed, altruism (as in “I needed a reason to die”) is not invoked by concluding intellectually that ‘it would be a good thing for all’ or ‘global peace on earth would be nice’ – in the end it requires something one passionately feels “true to the core of my being”. For ‘Vineeto’ is was a deep desire to give Richard what he wanted most – a female manifestation of an actual freedom (link), Kuba expressed it when he (re-)discovered his yearning to be innocence personified. (Actualism, ActualVineeto, Kuba5, 8 March 2025).

For each person it will be something that is more important than anything they ever wanted in their life, so important that ‘I’ will give up ‘my’ very life, ‘my’ very existence, to allow it to happen. It is not at all intellectual or rational, it is existential.

I like this description of Richard’s –

Richard: I have oft-times used the simile of the very first time one ventures onto a slide in a children’s playground: one sees what the other kids are doing and, upon mustering up the pluck to climb the ladder, one finds that so long as one just sits there on the platform one is safe (inasmuch one can climb back down the ladder) and even upon inching forward from time-to time, albeit gripping the side-rails of the slide, one is still not committed – one can still turn back – until one has inched forward just that little too much ... and then gravity takes over, an inevitably sets in, and one is on launched on the ride, come what may.

It is in that instant when gravity takes over – at that very instant – where you will find actual commitment happens. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, Actual Freedom List, No. 25f, 16 September 2004).

CLAUDIU: Maybe this is strange to say, but… I don’t know specifically what it is yet but I know I have one

One that seems to come really close is a deep-down… really wanting to find out exactly what life is about. To be living that, the meaning of life, to actually get to the very heart of it and live that.

VINEETO: I remember an incident when ‘Vineeto’ was about 16 and had her first crush/ incident of falling in love. ‘She’ sat outside the house on the soft grass and reflectively contemplated what was true love – ‘she’ wanted to know if what ‘she’ experienced was true love or something less. This quest developed into the search for ‘Truth’ which sent ‘her’ into ‘her’ spiritual search and, upon meeting Richard into the fascinated experiential and existential inquiry what is actual and how can I live in the actual world.

CLAUDIU: I would say this stems from my generally curious nature, I always get really absorbed into things I am interested in, learn all I can about it, get deep down to it until I really understand it … this would be wonderful to do. I think when I write it like this it sounds like an intellectual or thought-out reason (like “it would be nice”), but it is deeper than that, a burning desire to know … if this isn’t the final reason, at least it is a way to get myself more aligned with the final goal :))

VINEETO: Good, “a burning desire to know” is an excellent start – now is there an equally “burning desire”, an impetus, other than for the benefit of yourself, to make it/ allow it to happen?

Cheers Vineeto

March 30 2025

JOSEF: But I do have the intent that I don’t ever want to feel miserable again. That I want to be in a good mood each and every moment again. I’ve seen how beneficial it is for myself and others when I am feeling good. But should I not start on this path unless I meet the strict definition of having pure intent? (…)

CLAUDIU: I don’t see why you couldn’t start to use the actualism method before having that clear connection. Feel good. When feeling good dips, use the tools, trace it back to when it happened, see why, etc. And this ensures more of a feeling good. And on it goes from there.

This will at some point result in having a PCE or finding pure intent/ pure intent becoming apparent. And that’s when it can really take off from there.

VINEETO: Josef seems to be mixing up two aspects of the actualism method – feeling good, i.e. enjoying and appreciating, and dismantling the social identity, specially its moral (good and bad) and ethical (right and wrong) principles designed to curb the instinctual passions.

However, particularly given that he had a PCE in October 2022 (Josef: “ … sensuous appreciation. But the key aspect for me was time. Past and future were completely gone and it felt like I could stay in this moment forever”) it should not be a problem recognizing/ rememorating pure intent, and then tying a golden clew to the distinct flavour of this “new way of experiencing”.

CLAUDIU: I’m having difficulty putting it into words exactly what I mean. When you are guided by pure intent, you do end up unilaterally dismantling all the socializing and conditioning etc, via giving yourself permission to have it happen.

VINEETO: As you would know from experience, “dismantling all the socializing and conditioning” doesn’t happen on its own just because ‘you’ give yourself permission. It happens when you look for whichever belief, strategy, principle, social control, etc. triggered a diminishment in feeling excellent and investigate it, understand it, apperceptively see it, and thus cause it to fall away.

CLAUDIU: And it is a happy and harmless dismantling (both together). I just don’t see how you can successfully do it without pure intent, though. Maybe I’d put it that you can start, and make good headway, but you will always be limited until you do find pure intent, get a flavor of it, learn how to allow it, etc. But the point isn’t that it’s a limitation per se, like you have to wait until it happens, but rather something you can actively gear yourself towards, find that connection sooner rather than later!
What you think, Vineeto?

VINEETO: Yes, this is a good way to put it. Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ didn’t wait until she fully and in detail understood what the “actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” was – ‘she’ rememorated ‘her’ major PCE and read Richard’s writing with this basic experiential understanding in mind. ‘She’ also made a point to write in this rememorative flavour of the PCE.

In fact, as you pointed out last year, I had to correct the term pure intent in many cases to ‘sincere intent’ to be more accurate in ‘her’ reporting. However, with the memory of the PCE in the background the “wayward self” had less and less chance to inadvertently create harm for myself or others when dismantling the ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ rules of society yet sensibly following the legal requirements of the country I live in. It is very easy when one becomes more and more anonymous.

Here is how Devika described it in Richard’s Journal –

Devika: “These days I feel anonymous. Psychologically speaking, I no longer belong, I no longer believe, I no longer obey, I no longer conform and I no longer know my place. I have no sense of social identity. Without a sense of social identity, the emotions and passions needed to guard it are no longer necessary. Neither applying a palliative nor attempting to escape, I have instead eliminated the ‘Human Constitution’ in myself.” (Richard’s Journal, 2004, Page 206).

A bit further down in the Journal Devika, temporarily reappearing from having fallen in love, has a conversation with Richard how she experiences intimacy with her fellow human beings. It is a fascinating conversation, so I published it on the website here for everyone’s enjoyment and information. (Richard, Selected Writings, Intimacy).

Cheers Vineeto

Freedom from the Human Condition – Happy and Harmless

Vineeto’s & Richard’s Text ©The Actual Freedom Trust: 1997-. All Rights Reserved.