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(List D refers to Richard’s List D
Vineeto’s Selected Correspondence Vineeto Stories
CLAUDIU: Today was an odd day – the level of appreciation and purity I experienced has been less than other days and my experience has been at times more like how ‘I’ would normally be. However this came with the sincerity of seeing that ‘I’ really do have to actually give ‘myself’ up for this to happen. Ceasing to be me is exactly what self-immolation is. As I write this now I can say I have no doubts that this is sincerely what I want to do. VINEETO: I can understand that the level of appreciation and purity waxes and wanes, as
if ‘you’ want to return to the default position of feeling neutral as described in Richard’s copied article
from Sonja Lyubomirsky The only way to counteract this falling back will be if you make the deliberate decision, when feeling excellent and experiencing pure intent comes along, to commit to living out-from-under-control from then onwards. When ‘Vineeto’ got out-from-under-control after many ‘ums and ahs’ it was delicious but a few days later ‘she’ fell out of it and accepted this as a matter of course. But Richard didn’t. When ‘she’ told him about it, he said jokingly something to the effect of “stand in the corner until you are back into out-from-under-control”! So post-haste ‘Vineeto’ invited Peter into the bedroom and after some delicious intimacy
soon was back where ‘she’ had been, and then was more watchful and determined to in fact stay
out-from-under-control. It worked. It does need your active and decisive input – until an actual freedom happens,
then you can’t fall back.
CLAUDIU: And I was about to write that the sooner it happens the better, but even this does not seem to convey it exactly, is there really a “sooner” as opposed to a “later”? It is always just now anyway, after all… VINEETO: This is a copout, a semantic trick, to stifle your intent to become free now, and if not now then at the next opportunity to present itself. CLAUDIU: I can see how what I wrote might read like I was saying it doesn’t matter if I become free now, in 5 minutes, tomorrow or next year with the semantic trick that “It is always just now anyway”. That is of course false – although time is still, things do happen and this organism is alive and its life-span is finite. And with that in mind yes, of course, the sooner the better! But I was writing it more like – ok the “later” might be something like, say, a year from now. That is too far ‘into the future’ – one might say better to do it “sooner”, like, say, tomorrow. But putting it off until ‘tomorrow’ is the same as putting it off until
next year – it’s not ‘tomorrow’ now, and in fact it will never be ‘tomorrow’ since when tomorrow comes it
will actually be today still. VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, I perfectly understand what you are saying, and don’t I know it from my own process. (12 years!!) I also know whenever Richard said it or wrote on the mailing list that “in the end there is only procrastination”, ‘Vineeto’ cringed. It was so undeniable, and yet ‘she’ didn’t know how to stop procrastinating. The reason I wrote the above sentence “this is a copout” is because it may be
beneficial to recognize and acknowledge the fact, even though seeing it may be cringe-worthy because eventually, as
Richard says “in the freedom of seeing the fact there is only action.” There may be still a way to go from clearly seeing the fact and the appropriate action but one can nevertheless bring the final event forward by exposing oneself to the fact that (as a very natural tendency) all an identity can do in the end is to procrastinate. I remember a little story, which happened in early 2000 – ‘Vineeto’ had had three ‘washing-machine-days’ of unabating emotional upheaval and was at ‘her’ wits end. ‘She’ asked for an audience with Richard and sitting in his living room, again broke out in tears of desperation (and of course I don’t remember the cause at all). After some time had passed, Richard asked, “do you think you would like to be like this for the rest of your life?” This question was like a magic bullet, it instantly brought ‘Vineeto’ to her senses, literally! No way would ‘she’ want to be like this for the rest of her life, not even for the next 5 minutes! The tears stopped and, although exhausted from so much emotion, ‘she’ felt excellent right away. This story is not really about procrastination, but it is about seeing things in perspective. Nothing, but nothing, is important enough to put off one’s final destiny, it’s rather a matter which is the right question to bring one to one’s senses or ‘to cut through the red tape’. And in the meantime, nothing is important enough to put one off from enjoying and appreciating being here. Seen in such overall perspective one’s priorities become very clear and obvious. As Richard said – ain’t life grand. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Hi Claudiu, I remember ‘Vineeto’s’ momentum in ‘her’ last days in late December 2009 which I haven’t written down so far – ‘Peter’ and ‘Vineeto’ had planned for a xmas holiday two-three weeks to spend in the remote wilderness of the Bungawalbin river, and set out in the houseboat to travel the 2-day journey. ‘Vineeto’ sat on the bow deck while ‘Peter’ steered, full of exuberance and anticipation because ‘she’ knew that ‘it’ was going to happen there and then – there was utter certainty that ‘her’ days were numbered and utter confidence that now the long period of searching and investigating and procrastinating was over. The whole boat journey of that day was an utter delight, full of joyous anticipation. Richard hadn’t been sure if he would join us because he was residing in the river of the nearby town where he had met [Respondent No. 4 (D)] and planned to go back to the wharf in order to meet Tarin who in a few days was due for a visit. But ‘Vineeto’ was nevertheless confident that Richard would join them, in ‘her’ mind Richard’s company was vital to safely guide her in ‘her’ last moments. ‘Peter’ had anchored the houseboat overnight about the two-thirds of the journey and while ‘we’ were talking and frolicking ‘Peter’ heard a boat coming and urged ‘Vineeto’ to put on some clothes. But ‘she’ laughed and said with utter surety, “don’t worry, that’s Richard”. And it was! Richard had changed his mind and had travelled most of the night. When he had woken after a few hours of sleep he didn’t know which way the tide had turned the boat – north or south – so he had to use the stars to navigate (a skill acquired during his military service). It was a great meeting and an hour later we set off to the planned spot at the navigable end of the river, deep in the rainforest wilderness. I never forget that journey or the days which followed prior to ‘Vineeto’s’ final release – it was the best time of ‘her’ life and the whole time it was filled with this utter exuberant surety that ‘her’ end was imminent. This surety even operated during the 2-3 out-of-control days, which served well to elucidate that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued, for ‘her’ ultimate destiny. (Well, in practical terms it wasn’t as radical as imagined). And the rest is history. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Yes, this is exactly what is required – to “deeply and passionately care about to the point of ‘near-actual-caring’”, so much so that ‘you’, at the very core of your ‘being’, are gladly willing to give up what ‘you’ hold most dear – ‘your’ very existence. This might make it apparent why a mere logically thought-out sequence of events can never provide the passionate energy required for such a radical happening as altruistic self-sacrifice. Here is how feeling being ‘Vineeto’ experienced this acquiescence three days before ‘her’ final release happened –
To expand on ‘Vineeto’s’ experience “that ‘she’ was ready to give up anything and everything ‘she’ had valued” – ‘Vineeto’ had returned to the remote wilderness where the houseboats were moored (still under the
frightening impression that Richard had a “split-personality mental disorder” (see Long Awaited Announcement,
#magic, [R]-tooltip, Footnote[1]) Strangely enough, this last shocking turn of events, instead of freaking ‘her’ out, brought an unexpected calm, ‘she’ slipped into the warm water of the creek and, floating along, looked at the sky and her only thought was “if this is what it takes to become actually free so be it.” (During the 2-3 out-of-control days, although ‘she’ questioned Richard’s state of mind ‘she’ never doubted his words written on the website, nor the PCEs nor ‘her’ intent to become actually free despite the emotional turmoil). The last turn of events resulted in a surprising peacefulness after the emotion-filled events of the last two-and-a-half days – no more struggle, only the full permission and endorsement to let the universe run ‘her’ life, as all ‘she’ had tried had come to naught. ‘She’ eventually made it back to the houseboats, towed by two roaming fishermen (there was no room to be self-conscious then) yet it took another few hours to gather the courage to talk to Richard about the whys and wherefores of what happened – by this time not knowing anymore if Richard was insane or ‘she’ ‘herself’ had lost the plot completely. In hindsight it was all utterly hilarious. As you can see the build-up to self-immolation can be quite dramatic at times. Outside is a wonderful almost wind-still night, a clear sky with a close-to-full moon, so calm and quiet as if the storm of the last week never happened, only the fish are jumping vivaciously, most likely to rid themselves of flees accumulated at this time of the year. Magnificence all around. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: OK so the only solution worth entertaining is that which
comes from a deeply passionate and caring involvement? VINEETO: Yes, this is what your naïve inquiry into a cause worth sacrificing your ‘self’ for has produced. I keep thinking of Richard’s quote – [Emphasis added].  (Richard,
List B, James3, 28 October 2002a)
In case you discover a passionate doubt or fear or any other deeply felt obstacle to your
desired aim, then you can harness the passionate energy by staying with the thrill whilst allowing pure intent to
bring you closer and closer to your aim – “to offer (and demonstrate) a solid alternative to the hypocrisy,
the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all”. The solution, as I can only surmise at this point, is accumulating and fostering this “enormous energy” required, which is a passionate energy (without frittering it away by doubt and confusion). I have seen it happen with the woman of Indian birth. Richard was then able to talk to her about actual time – that it is always now and that the person who arrived at the airport no longer existed, even the person who walked through the door a couple of hours ago no longer existed. She agreed and as she agreed she experienced time standing still … and the rest is history. I am not sure if that made things clearer for you. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Instead of inching forward towards being happy and harmless tiny step by tiny step you also have the option to take the bull by the horns, as the saying goes, and face the core of your feeling of fear –
ED: I remember in your video with Richard the two of you talking about the absolute end of everything. Was oblivion on your mind back then? How were you relating to it at the time? VINEETO: I remember that well. Oblivion was on ‘her’ mind, as you put it. ‘She’ yearned for oblivion. However, when Richard and ‘Vineeto’ had met to talk about the video shoot a week after it was taken and ‘she’ unsuspectingly came close to the actual world territory, so to speak. Richard said to ‘her’, encouragingly, ‘you are really close-by right now’ and within a split second, ‘Vineeto’ pulled back, closed up and avoided any in-depth discussion about becoming actually free with Richard for more than 2 years. Obviously more had to happen. (...) Cheers Vineeto
IAN: Hi Vineeto, Could you please go into more detail on this wall of fear and traversing it. How did you come across
it, were you aware of it while you were traversing, did anything in particular bring you there, or was it the
inevitable result of increasing naiveté? Would love to get a better picture of this as I get the sense that
something like that is lurking at the edges of my consciousness and possibly what keeps me in the corral. Its hard to
say exactly what would be useful to hear but anything that fills in the blanks a little bit more would be great if
you could. VINEETO: Hi Ian, A very timely question. I recently remembered the whole story and I was looking forward to the right opportunity to tell the story. It happened around end of November/ beginning of December 2009. Richard showed me and Peter a short video where a young woman was filming herself having pleasuring herself with unabashed delight. It was obvious that she was entirely unselfconscious, not acting, not pretending, but simply having a great time. Hers was a genuinely naïve enjoyment and celebration of her sexuality, an unbridled and uninhibited sensuality and sensuosity. ‘Vineeto’ was impressed, and at the end of the video ‘she’ said “if she can do it I can do it”. You’ll have to remember that two weeks before Richard had impressed up ‘her’ to come out-from-control When Respondent No. 4(D) met us [Peter, Pamela, Tom, Richard and myself] on 5th December 2009, ‘Vineeto’ finally noticed the change in ‘herself’ and happily whispered to Richard “psst, I am out-from-control” –
Funnily enough, I completely forgot the event which had set it all in motion and allowed me to traverse the ‘wall of fear’ without noticing what ‘I’ had done, so to speak. Obviously, my social-conditioned mind still had come to terms with the newly discovered reality. It was months later when Richard reminded me of the ‘fear-shattering’ event. It’s quite a laugh! Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: This being on my own I am not afraid of because in that wonderland there is the perfection and purity with me all the way. It is more that by virtue of even daring to enter the wonderland I am going against the whole thrust of ‘humanity’, every step taken transgresses some rule in ‘reality’. How could I speak to another when we are as if speaking from different worlds? I realise this is what you are doing right now as you converse with us Vineeto. VINEETO: Ha … it is very easy to “speak to another”. They don’t know I am in a different world, I am entirely anonymous. Automorphism fills in the gaps. For instance, I am almost daily having coffee and chatting with a lively and mostly cheerful lady about my age who lives a few boats further up the wharf. We talk about life on the river, how lucky we are to live here in this paradise, comparing what we had for lunch/ dinner and what goes on in the world. She has no idea that I am different in that I only meet her as a flesh-and-blood body. She just says she enjoys the calming effect our chats have for her. It’s only on this forum, set up to discuss actualism and an actual freedom, that I talk about my favourite topic. So, in actuality it is quite different to your imagination. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: It’s natural given the human impulse to congregate with like-minded people, and this in itself is nothing wrong. As long as you are an identity, to be an actualist is the most felicitous and most harmless identity you can be. The only trap to look out for is loyalty. I remember an incident where ‘Vineeto’ had inadvertently developed a loyalty for ‘actualists’ – I put actualists in scare-quotes because a practising actualist is learning to more and more stand on their own feet. Sometime around 2000 one correspondent to the mailing list registered a domain name “www.actualfreedom.com” for trolling purposes and ‘Vineeto’ became worried that this would sully the Actual Freedom Trust website and confuse readers. Richard had no concerns and pointed out to ‘her’ that 1) there was no danger of confusion because the AFT domain name had an “.au” at the end of its domain name, and 2) indicated that ‘Vineeto’ was succumbing to the typical fears associated with belonging to a group, whilst also saying that as long as you are an identity to be an ‘actualist’ is quite a happy and harmless identity to choose. Nevertheless, ‘Vineeto’ kept an eye out after that, not to fall into the trap of belonging or worrying. Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: Appreciate this “stillness all around” as much as you can and then some more, it’s the most wonderful, mirificent and magically sweet way of experiencing being alive. KUBA: I remember in one of Richard’s quotes he wrote that perfection is only of the moment, which means that it can only be a lived experience, it happens now at this moment in time and this place in space. When I appreciate this “stillness all around”, there is exactly this mirificent and magically sweet aspect which is experienced, but it cannot be grasped by ‘me’ at all, it is only of the moment – it happens here and now. Nevertheless it is utterly wonderful and I can see that what is called “the meaning of life” is contained right in that experience. At times this mirificent and magically sweet flavour is brief, it’s like “blink and you’ll miss it”, other times like now it is rather stable, experienced to be all around. How amazing is that? To experience that the very meaning of life is all around, somehow contained within that stillness / intrinsically part and parcel of it. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Indeed this stillness “is the life-giving foundation of all that is apparent”. Something which is already always here for the taking. * VINEETO: Ha, it’s always the hardest thing to acknowledge that ‘I’ am redundant, even though you experientially and apperceptively know that ‘you’ are. ‘You’ have done your job and have done it well, ‘you’ can contentedly retire having earned ‘your’ longed-for oblivion. KUBA: So I remember a while ago we talked about the “utter
fullness”, this is what ‘I’ am now experiencing to be already always here now. And indeed this “utter
fullness” is calling each moment again. The “utter fullness” is what informs ‘me’ that ‘I’ am
redundant. This is equally wonderful because it means that ‘I’ can lay down ‘my’ burden, and that not a
single thing will be missing. VINEETO: Yes. To expand on this “utter fullness” I’ll first reiterate how Richard reported Vineeto becoming essentially the same as him in an event on 28th of August 2011, in other words pure intent personified –
As a result of this remarkable event Richard had this to say –
When Richard died he left me with the floodgates wide open of an immense, often overwhelming appreciation, yet I could clearly experience that the previously established circuit of energetic immanence no longer existed, as it had been when Richard was alive. Now an event has happened for Geoffrey on May 7 this year which restored this circuit of existential immanence of human consciousness, and as such it is again directly, more fully/ more easily available as an ‘infinite sweetness’ or “utter fullness” for example –
As I wrote to Geoffrey, personally “I experienced the very fact that there is “an equal in the actual world” in the similar way as when Richard was alive – which is the first time I experienced this since he died. It’s ambrosial/ beneficent, the quality of personified pure intent, the intimacy of a fellow human being experiencing being the universe experiencing itself as a conscious human being, very pronounced, joyous, almost jubilant, just wonderful.” I have recounted this all to you, and all the forum members, so that you can choose to tap into
this personified immanence Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Wow I am having a blast lately. Things are constantly happening, and these are not just realisations, this is more akin to actuality “coming at me” without a break, not that I would want a break anyways! And this sense of actuality constantly “knocking on my door” is nothing to do with ‘me’, the momentum is not of ‘my’ doing. Oopsie… Looks like I am now solidly out from control . Ah, the genuine article. KUBA: There was one thing that happened about 30min ago which was especially precious. I was chilling on the sofa with Sonya and poncho (my dog). I went to cuddle poncho and all of a sudden it was like that veil of reality was pulled back and I saw both Sonya and poncho as actually existing. It’s hard to convey the importance of those words – “actually existing”. But it goes some way to consider that not a single one of the ‘events’ which ever happened in ‘my’ reality were genuine. That the entirety of ‘my’ life was never genuine. And now that curtain got pulled back and an actually existing world was revealed, so precious to discover it! I fully understand the importance of those words as I remember ‘Vineeto’s’ first experience of this happening, it was quite world-view-shattering for ‘her’ –
PS: At the time I didn’t actually know if Peter was in a PCE as well (he wasn’t), so the “two human beings (…) without past or future” is an incorrect description from ‘my’ memory. The “without past or future” experience was nevertheless the case for myself. (Interesting how the identity subtly colours the perception/ description in hindsight). There was another experience, even more intimate than the above described one, which Richard reported –
The last one I remember happened during the ‘Second convivium meeting’ when ‘Vineeto’ was out-from-control. Richard had entered the room, holding a cup with a drink in each hand and I exclaimed “Richard, I have never seen you like this!” He was naturally puzzled, looked up and down his body and couldn’t see anything special or different. In the ensuing conversation it became clear that I was suddenly seeing the actual Richard, and was surprised and delighted by the imminence and intimacy to see him without the veil of ‘my’ outer world perspective. KUBA: And since that event I keep getting that same
experience but milder, that the veil of reality is so thin and this actually existing world keeps coming through. It’s
almost slightly disorientating at times, not in an unpleasant way at all but rather it’s that things are shifting
around at a very fundamental level, that I don’t know which way to place myself, but actually I’m not too
concerned with that anymore anyways – I am having a blast on the one way ride. This is wonderful to read. Now that you know that an actual intimacy is possible (and potentially contagious) you have the additional opportunity to explore the territory of Intimacy Experiences and/or actual intimacy as well.
Cheers Vineeto
VINEETO: It is simple – the actual world is already here, has always been and will always be. It becomes apparent when ‘I’/ ‘me’ go temporarily in abeyance. Ergo – ‘I’/ ‘me’, the passionate, imaginary identity needs to disappear/ voluntarily go extinct for the Terra Actualis to become apparent permanently. However, when you wonder why it ‘you’ don’t disappear/ voluntarily go extinct tomorrow or the day after because it is such a good idea, consider what, of your own free will, you are intending to leave behind – all your hopes and doubts and fears, your hostile feelings as well as your loving and trusting feelings, all of your beliefs and trusted concepts, your grand castles made of imagination, your (borrowed) standards of right and wrong, good and bad and your sense of ‘being’ someone. KUBA: I remember the first few months of my involvement with actualism I wrote a post about how I found myself in such a weird situation. It was as if ‘my’ whole life ‘I’ had been stuck in this dark and cold cave with monsters all around, and now with actualism I found a way out of the cave where light was shining and where freedom was located. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, When ‘Vineeto’ met Richard and, after a short time, especially after her first memorable PCE, determined that this was indeed what ‘she’ had been looking for all ‘her’ life, ‘she’ wanted to learn all ‘she’ could do to achieve ‘her’ goal. It didn’t matter that it was entirely new to human consciousness, that was the thrilling part. ‘She’ had already left main-stream values behind by a large extent when ‘she’ pursued enlightenment in a spiritual commune, at the time something quite uncommon, i.e. crazy, in the West and as such a ‘weird’ pursuit. So, discovering that this spiritual ‘summum bonum’ of human consciousness was not the ultimate after all – that there is perfection and purity right here – ‘she’ came to the decision, after some months of deliberation and gestation, that this was the only worthwhile enterprise to wholeheartedly devote ‘her’ life to. Once the perspective was clear, the ‘weirdness’ and ‘perversion’ of the human condition were seen as par for the course – after all, an actual freedom is entirely new to human consciousness. Of course, ‘she’ encountered many doubts and fears, but these were also par for the course. Nobody but Richard had succeeded in living it 24 hrs a day, 365 days a year. ‘Vineeto’ was at first surprised that none of ‘her’ previous seeker friends were interested in something infinitely better than enlightenment but not deterred. It was only the beginning of discovering that many more people objected to actualism. Their objections ultimately only confirmed why nobody else had discovered and lived an actual freedom before. Like you said “I found a way out of the cave where light was shining and where freedom was located”. KUBA: And ‘I’ was looking at the way out from within the cave and ‘I’ found ‘myself’ perversely addicted to remaining! That dark, cold cave with monsters all around was ‘my’ home, it was where (through a bizarre instinctual passionate logic) ‘safety’ was apparently located. And it is such a weird scenario, because there are now people outside of that cave, such as yourself, waving a flag, and to top it all off they have also gentrified the way out of the cave so that it is not perilous. And ‘we’ know all this and yet in the cave ‘we’ remain! The addiction to ‘being’ i.e. suffering is quite something. VINEETO: Of course, at first from the perspective from within the “cave”, after first glimpses of the actual world, it all looks “weird” and ‘me’ being “perversely addicted”. That’s why a mere conceptual assessment is not enough – you need the ongoing experiential confirmation that not only is an actual freedom what you want to have but that it is what you want to be. With this clarity the perspective shifts to a down-to-earth action to imitate the actual and make this the number one priority of your life, practically and pragmatically. Then your evaluation won’t be from the all-or-nothing frame of reference as in “yet in the cave ‘we’ remain” but how much better your life has already become despite not having become actually free yet. ‘Vineeto’ experienced too that ‘she’ often had difficulties giving up this or that feeling or fervently held conviction or moral injunction, that so many others held to be the true reality, inherited from the common-to-all human condition. But that was not the main issue – these obstacles were, one by one, persistently overcome and only increased ‘her’ confidence that the actualism method worked. And as such ‘she’ never concluded that “‘we’ know all this and yet in the cave ‘we’ remain” – there was no “‘we’”, as in everyone else – there was instead the overarching intent to be the pioneer ‘she’ had committed ‘herself’ to be, and determinately pursue ‘her’ destiny. Cheers Vineeto
KUBA: Hi Vineeto, Thank you for your reply, currently there is so much going on that I don’t know where to look first haha! It’s like there are all these various explorations surrounding harmlessness, then there is this goal of locating naiveté by attending to those childhood hurts and the resentful persona which spawned from them, and thus becoming liking and likeable. And then there is something which has been going on since the other day too, it started with what I always mentioned to Sonya as “actualism headaches”, which happen as an intense pressure right in the nape of the neck (without any accompanying muscular tightness in the shoulders etc) and will typically last a day or two before finalising with heightened experiences of perfection and purity, it’s like the experience of coming to my senses, literally. And this experience of literally coming to my senses has been happening since yesterday and today in a way which I haven’t experienced before. It was particularly “vibrant” just before I wrote my post to you yesterday, like the entire world was shimmering with aliveness. And then there is the seeing that in the world of the senses ‘I’ have no existence at all, and where ‘I’ am not, all is pristine. Fascinating times indeed. VINEETO: Hi Kuba, Enjoy. Your goals and plans only require naiveté to allow fully and with it actively allow pure intent, then they the rest might just happen of its own accord – with your permission – now that the lid is off. I am reminded Claudiu’s description after he came back from visiting Geoffrey –
I know the “pain in the neck” quite well and Richard described it here –
It not only happened at this particular time but many times before, I came to consider it as part of getting physically/ sensately accustomed to the immense puissance of actuality. Sometimes I called it getting used to the higher frequency – which might easily be only a metaphor but that is how I experienced it. There was a period when Richard and I lived together, shortly before the time Richard described in the above quote, where lying next to him made me physically so uncomfortably charged up (akin to too much electricity) that I had to move away half a meter in order to go to sleep. It settled down after a couple of weeks. I am always pleased when I read descriptions like this – “like the entire world was shimmering with aliveness” – when the actual world becomes more and more apparent. Cheers Vineeto
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